Lulu said, “Shit for brains, he’s the Painted Man. You think you’re the first dumbass that’s busted up the shop looking for a payday?”
“Don’t feel bad,” said Spyder, tossing the last scale at Temmah’s snout. “Idiots like you looking for a bounty used to be a real drag. Now, Lulu and me, we just have fun. Right, Lulu?”
Lulu jumped up, snatched the GoPro off Temmah’s head, and put it on. “Smile, sugar. Good. Now wave bye to your mom before Spyder rips your balls off.”
Temmah stammered, “You said I was the first.”
Spyder made a face. “Hell, you’re not the first this week. We’ve got ten or fifteen dopes like you buried out back.”
“The neighbors think we’re just fond of gardening,” said Lulu.
Temmah turned and ran for the door. Spyder and Lulu watched the snake man run as the shop grew longer and longer, until the front door was a just a dot an infinite distance away. After a few minutes, when it sank in that the Painted Man wasn’t going to let him go, Temmah stopped and fell against the wall.
Spyder strolled over to him. He glanced back at Lulu. “The camera’s working? You’re getting all this?”
“You bet your ass.”
Spyder spun and drove a knee into Temmah’s groin. The snake man groaned and started to fall, but Spyder held him up so that he was looking directly into the camera. He said, “The next one of you bounty hunting sons of bitches comes in here, after Lulu and me kick your ass, I’m going to turn you into Wonder bread, take you to the park, and feed you to the ducks. Is that how you want to end up? Duck shit?” He slapped the side of Temmah’s head. “Is it?”
“No,” the snake man said.
Spyder let him fall to the floor and came around to Lulu. She took off the camera and turned it around to face the two of them. They crowded into the shot together. “On the other hand, if you want some good ink or a stylish piercing, come by our shop on Haight Street. We open every day at noon.”
“Noonish,” said Lulu.
“Noonish,” Spyder repeated.
He and Lulu waved into the camera and she turned it off.
Spyder kicked Temmah in the side. “Get on your feet and upload this to monster Youtube or wherever.”
Temmah took out his phone. “Do you have wifi?” he said. Spyder gave him the password. Once he was in the network, Temmah uploaded the video.
Spyder picked up the flap of flesh Temmah had cut off earlier and slapped it back on his shoulder. The skin slowly knit back into place, and when Spyder was satisfied that it was secure, he got his tattoo gun and re-inked the Appraiser from memory. Temmah slowly turned back into his fishy human form.
“Are you going to kill me now?” he said quietly.
Lulu patted him on the cheek. “No. You’re what we call a cautionary tale. Now run back to ugly town and tell your friends to get their kicks on Route 66. Me and Spyder are done playing nice.”
As soon as Temmah left, Spyder looked back at the shop. A moment later, the wreckage was gone, and the place was as it had been before Temmah walked in.
A pale face appeared around the side of the shoji screen and the kid Lulu had been working on crept out. He had one pierced nipple.
He grinned and said, “Does that kind of shit happen here a lot?”
“Probably not so much anymore,” said Spyder.
“Too bad.”
Lulu went over to the kid and pushed him behind the shoji. “Get back there, tiger, and let’s finish you up. The second nipple is free if you keep your mouth shut about what you saw here.”
“Awesome.”
Spyder tensed for a second when he heard the shop door open, but he relaxed almost instantly as Shrike walked in. She made a face.
“Did something go rotten in your fridge? It smells weird in here.”
“We had a snake problem, but we sent him on his way.”
Shrike smiled. “Did he wreck the shop?”
“Don’t they always?”
Shrike came over and put her arms around him. “You could do a lot of good with your power, but instead you play games with boogeymen.”
Spyder shrugged. “I’m better at controlling it, but it still gets away from me sometimes.”
“You just need more practice.”
“I know,” he said. “You want to get some sushi?”
“Of course.”
Spyder shouted, “Lulu, are you coming?”
She said, “Just finishing up with our special little guy who knows that if he opens his yap he’s going to end up on monster Youtube.”
Shrike turned to Spyder. “There’s monster Youtube?”
“I didn’t know about it either. Want to look for it after dinner?”
“Definitely.”
Richard Kadrey is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. He is the author of dozens of stories, plus thirteen novels, including Sandman Slim, Kill the Dead, Aloha from Hell, Devil Said Bang, Kill City Blues, The Getaway God, Killing Pretty, The Perdition Score, The Kill Society, The Everything Box, The Wrong Dead Guy, Metrophage and Butcher Bird. His Wired magazine cover story, Carbon Copy, was made into one of the worst movies of 2001. It starred Bridget Fonda. Sorry, Bridget.
He has been immortalized as an action figure: “Kadray [sic]: The Invincible Wizard” was a villain in an episode of the Black-star animated TV series.
Kadrey created and wrote the Vertigo comics mini-series ACCELERATE, which was illustrated by the Pander Brothers. He plans to do more comic work in the near future.
He has written and spoken about art, culture and technology for Wired, The San Francisco Chronicle, Discovery Online, The Site, SXSW and Wired For Sex on the G4 cable network.
Richard has no qualifications for anything he does.
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