“What’s up, Nicki?” he asked when they were alone. “You’re not yourself.”
She thought about asking who he imagined her to be but didn’t think he would appreciate the humor. “I’m okay.”
Jeff came around and took the chair next to her, angling so he faced her. His expression was kind.
“There was a lot of tension between you and Zane,” he said. “Normally I can’t get the two of you to shut up and pay attention. Today you weren’t talking.”
She ducked her head. Obviously Ashley had chosen not to tell her husband about what had happened between Nicki and Zane. While Nicki appreciated her friend keeping the confidence, she didn’t know what to say to Jeff about the situation.
“We’ll be fine,” she murmured at last.
“Why don’t I believe that?”
She looked at him. “I won’t let any personal issues interfere with my work.”
He smiled. “I know. You’re too good at what you do. That’s not why we’re talking. You’re important to the company, but you’re also a friend.”
She liked Jeff, but being friends with him was very different from being friends with Zane. Despite Jeff’s blond good looks, she’d never once thought of him as anything other than her boss and Ashley’s husband.
“Have you two had a fight?” he asked.
She shook her head. Not at all. Instead of arguing, they’d gotten too friendly and now Nicki didn’t know how to return things to their normal footing.
“Please don’t worry, Jeff.”
“Hard not to, but I’ll do my best.” He paused, then smiled at her. “Did I ever tell you that my first wife’s name was Nicole?”
“No. Does she look like me, too?”
“Not even close. You’re nothing like her in any way. After we split up, I learned that some things can’t be changed and some things can’t be undone. My door is always open, Nicki, and I want to be there for you. My advice about all of this is to remind you that you can only do what’s right for yourself. You can’t control anyone else.”
She knew he was talking about Zane, but she had no idea what he was trying to say. Was he warning her away from a personal relationship with his partner or telling her to go for it? Not that it mattered. She’d already made her decision. She was going to do everything she could to turn back time so that one glorious night was forgotten and she and Zane could be friends again. That was the best course of action for both of them.
She only hoped it wouldn’t take a miracle.
Zane left his office and headed for Nicki’s. He was willing to accept that things were going to be awkward between them for the first couple of days, but she was taking things too far.
He rounded the corner and stalked into her office. She looked up as he entered, saw his expression and frowned.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
He dropped the copy of the e-mail on her desk. “This.”
She glanced at the paper, then at him. “You can’t make it?”
“No. You asked if I was still coming with you.”
Her green eyes darkened with confusion. “Yes, I know. I sent the e-mail.”
He paced the length of her office, pausing as he turned to glare at her. “That’s my point,” he told her. “You asked. Dammit, Nicki, why are you doing this?”
“What?”
“Acting as if everything has changed. I’ve been helping you with your demonstrations on the first Monday of the month for over a year. Why would this be different?”
She pulled off her headset and leaned back in her chair. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just…”
He knew what it was. They’d become lovers and in her mind, that had changed everything. It had changed things for him, too, but he’d been willing to work through those differences, while spending some quality time in her bed. She didn’t want that.
“You want us to be friends and nothing more,” he said. “I respect that. So why are you the one acting as if we barely know each other?”
Color stained her cheeks. “I don’t mean to do that. I feel awkward around you.”
Awkward? “Why?”
“Because.”
There was an answer. He pulled up the chair in front of her desk and dropped into the seat. She felt uncomfortable and probably wished the whole thing hadn’t happened while he…He wished they’d never stopped being together. It wasn’t just that he wanted to keep making love with Nicki, although he did. But what he really missed was the connection.
As soon as the thought formed, he pushed it away. No connections, he reminded himself. No bonding, no caring, beyond what they already had. That was his rule and he’d lived by it for a long time.
“It’s the naked thing,” she said without looking at him. “Weird things happen to women when they get naked with a guy.”
“Things other than sex?”
She glanced at him and smiled. “You’re making fun of me.”
“Only a little.”
She rested her forearms on the desk. “I know it was really great and everything, but I can’t help wishing we’d never done that. Don’t you?”
He couldn’t answer the question, not honestly. Nor did he allow himself to have an emotional reaction to her statement. She had regrets. Fine. He could live with that.
“I’ll be there tonight,” he said stiffly. “We’ll pretend Friday never happened.”
She winced. “I didn’t mean that, exactly. I had a really good time.”
“Sure.” Why not? He was pretty decent in bed. He’d received enough compliments to have faith in his abilities. “I gotta get going,” he said as he stood.
“Zane, wait. Let’s have dinner tonight. After the demonstration.”
He looked at her beautiful face, at the cascade of red hair that fell over her shoulders. He’d buried his hands in her hair as he’d made love with her. He’d touched her and kissed her and laughed with her. He’d wanted her, when he wasn’t supposed to allow himself much more than scratching an itch.
He thought about the phone message he’d listened to on his voice mail. The call he’d yet to return.
“I can’t make it,” he told her. “Heather left me a message. She’s in town for a couple of days and asked me to meet her for dinner. Maybe another time.”
Nicki’s smile never wavered. “No problem. See you tonight.”
He waved and left the room.
Nicki watched him go. She managed to maintain her composure for all of twenty-seven seconds, then she slumped in her seat and had to blink back tears.
“I refuse to cry over him,” she whispered fiercely. “Dammit, I’m the one who told him we were going to be friends and I meant it. So I refuse to care that he’s having dinner with Heather.”
Oh, but it hurt, she thought, feeling more miserable by the second. It hurt so much she could barely breathe.
Her phone rang and she considered not answering it. Then she reminded herself that she couldn’t let her personal life interfere with her job.
“This is Nicki,” she said after she clicked on her headset.
“Hey, it’s me.” Ashley’s gentle voice came over the phone line. “I wanted to see how you’re doing.”
Her friend’s concern nearly undid her, but she managed to keep from bursting into tears.
“I’m okay.”
Ashley sighed. “You’re lying. I can hear it from ten miles away.”
Nicki swallowed. “It’s just so stupid. I mean Zane wanted us to hang out and do stuff and I’m the one who said no and now things are weird, only I know they’re not weird because we’re not hanging out but because we had sex and I told him I wished we’d never done it and I think that hurt his feelings and now he’s having dinner with Heather.”
“Impressive,” her friend said. “I think you got that out in one breath.”
Nicki sniffed. “You’re making fun of me.”
“Not really. I’m trying to lighten the situation. Is it working?”
“A litt
le.”
“I am sorry, if that helps. And I’ve been worried about you.”
“I appreciate that. You also didn’t say anything to Jeff.”
“How do you know?”
“He stayed to talk to me after the staff meeting because he’d noticed something was wrong between me and Zane. But he obviously didn’t know what.”
Ashley chuckled. “I thought the information would be more than he would want to know. So I kept quiet.” She exhaled. “Are you having second thoughts about being only friends?”
“No.” Nicki knew the danger inherent in wanting more with Zane. She would get her heart broken and getting over him would take forever. She had other plans for her life.
“I know I made the right decision. But why is he having dinner with Heather?”
“Because he’s not having dinner with you?”
“Maybe.” Nicki wasn’t sure. “I wouldn’t mind so much if she was like all the others, but Heather is smarter. And she and Zane went out for a really long time. What if she wants to start things up with him?”
“Why do you care?” Ashley asked.
“Good question. I shouldn’t, huh?”
“If you’re his friend, you should be thrilled he’s found someone.”
Nicki wanted to say she was happy, only that would be lying, too. “I want to scratch her eyes out.”
“I sort of figured that.”
Nicki closed her eyes. “Does that mean I’ve already fallen for him?”
“You don’t want to know what I think,” Ashley told her.
“Probably because I already know the answer. If I’m feeling jealous of Heather, it could be too late.”
“I’m not the one saying that.”
“You don’t have to. I can figure it out for myself.”
Had she fallen for Zane? And if she had, what was she going to do about it?
“There has to be a solution,” Nicki said.
“You could always try the ‘fake it until you make it’ school of thought. Act as if everything is fine until it is fine.”
“You think that will work?”
“Sure.”
But Ashley’s bright, cheerful tone didn’t fool Nicki. Her friend thought she was already in trouble and that the worse was yet to come. Nicki hoped she was wrong.
“Whoever is attacking you isn’t going to expect you to fight back,” Nicki said that evening as she addressed the small group of people in the community center.
She grinned as she spoke. “Surprise is your friend and I’m going teach you how to take the element of surprise one step further.”
Zane listened to the familiar speech. He and Nicki had been traveling around the Seattle-Tacoma area for over a year, talking about staying safe and self-defense for those with a physical disability. She talked tactics and demonstrated moves, while his job was to be the bad guy.
Tonight’s group included a couple of elderly women in wheelchairs, an older man who used a walker and two kids in wheelchairs. There was also a teenage boy in a wheelchair, but he wasn’t part of the group. Instead he sat at the far end of the room and stared out into the twilight.
Zane returned his attention to Nicki. For the demonstration, she’d dressed in sweatpants and a loose T-shirt. Her hair was pulled back into a braid. Whatever had bothered her earlier in the day seemed to have faded, leaving her looking happy and gorgeous.
He, on the other hand, felt restless. He hadn’t seen Heather in nearly a year and he knew he should be anticipating their evening together. Instead he found himself wishing he was going out with Nicki instead.
Really dumb, Rankin, he told himself. She’s not interested.
Nicki finished with her lecture and he took his position up behind her. She’d placed a large handbag on her lap. At her signal, he strolled toward her, then reached down for the bag.
As he grabbed it, she screamed and tugged on the opposite end of the handle. Even though he knew it was coming, he was still surprised by her sudden release. He stumbled slightly. She took advantage of his moment of being off balance and slammed into him.
Nicki might weigh about a hundred and twenty pounds, but she could generate some force with her wheelchair. As he stumbled back, she kept moving forward. When he tried to sidestep, she banged into him again, this time not so dead on. He two-stepped, turned and found himself slipping.
While he struggled to regain his balance, she grabbed the purse and took off across the room. He knew her top speed beat his and didn’t bother trying to chase her down. The audience applauded.
They went through the exercise a second time, this time moving slowly, with Nicki explaining why she moved in, how to throw him off balance and when to run. He attacked her from behind, then tried to pull her out of her chair.
The latter move was the only one to have a chance of success, but he wasn’t always able to dislodge her. He could physically lift her out of her chair, but that required getting in close and Nicki had several self-defense moves to make that a poor choice.
The entire lecture and demonstration took about ninety minutes. By the end, she’d won over the group. One of the things Zane liked best about working with her on these demonstrations was the change in attitude of those attending. At the beginning of the meeting, they were self-conscious and already convinced they were simply victims on wheels. Nicki showed them what was possible and allowed them to believe in themselves.
After the meeting ended, there was time for coffee and conversation. Zane glanced at his watch. It was about seven-thirty and he was due to meet Heather at eight. But instead of leaving, he collected a cup and chatted with those attending.
“Zane, good to see you,” a white-haired woman said as she joined him.
“Betty.” He smiled at the center’s director. “We have a full house.”
“Always. You and Nicki are some of our most popular speakers.” Betty patted his arm. “She gives them hope.”
He followed her gaze and saw Nicki in the corner with the teenaged boy in the wheelchair. He was no longer solemn and isolated. Instead he watched Nicki intently as she showed him how to balance on two wheels and spin around.
“Nothing his mother will want him to learn,” Betty said dryly, “but probably the best thing for his spirit.”
“She’s good at that.”
One of the older ladies wheeled over to him and smiled. “You and your wife did a wonderful job,” she said. “She’s a lovely young woman and you’re a very special man.”
Zane nodded and thanked her. Ever since he and Nicki had started doing this together, he’d had at least a dozen people come up and talk about his “wife.” He’d given up correcting them—it took too long and they were always disappointed.
Betty waited until the woman had left, then shook her head. “You might as well go ahead and propose, Zane. It seems to be your destiny.”
He chuckled, then excused himself and made his way to Nicki.
“I’m heading out,” he said.
She frowned. “I bumped into you harder than I meant to earlier. Did I bruise you?”
He raised his eyebrows. “I’m a macho guy. Girls don’t bruise me.”
“Girls in metal wheelchairs can leave a lasting impression.”
“I’m fine,” he told her. It was his cue to leave, but somehow he couldn’t make his feet move.
She poked him with her foot. “Zane, it’s getting late. Heather’s waiting.”
He stared at her green eyes, at her easy smile and the relaxed pose of her body. Had they made their way back to the friendship she wanted? Wasn’t it for the best if they did?
Comments from little old ladies aside, they weren’t married and they weren’t going to be. He had no claim on her. But if they were friends…
She was important to him. So important that he was going to walk away before he did something stupid.
“See you tomorrow,” he said.
“Have fun.”
He turned and walked out of the community cen
ter. As he put the key in the driver’s door of his car, he had a last thought about canceling dinner with Heather and going out with Nicki instead.
No, he told himself as he slid onto the seat. She was right. No more dinners, no more nights into mornings. Not for the reasons she thought, not because he couldn’t do a relationship but because he chose not to. He’d killed the last woman he’d loved. He wouldn’t ever risk that again. Not with anyone and certainly not with Nicki.
Chapter Seven
By Thursday Nicki knew she had to get over the whole Heather thing or she was going to collapse from lack of sleep. She’d fretted for the past three nights, knowing Zane was out with the woman and possibly staying until dawn. Telling herself she’d been the one to send him away didn’t make her feel any better. She’d vacillated between polishing her resumé, picking up the phone to invite him back into her bed and signing up for a dating service.
She’d settled on a couple of nights with too much ice cream and a good cry over a romantic movie.
At three the previous morning, she decided to give herself a virtual slap upside the head. If that didn’t work, then she was going to get serious about finding a different job. If being around Zane made her miserable, then it was time to move on.
Feeling mature and in control, she drove to the building about ten miles from the main office where she would help train new bodyguard recruits. She always enjoyed these exercises and looked forward to the action. Her confident mood lasted until she pulled into the parking lot and saw Zane waiting by the back entrance. At the sight of his dark good looks her heart fluttered, her thighs heated and her stomach began to hula. So much for being in control.
He waited until she’d lowered herself to the ground and wheeled away from her van, then he strolled over and handed her a take-out coffee from Starbucks.
“Brenda’s bringing doughnuts,” he said. “I told her to make sure there were plenty of glazed.”
“Thanks.” She took the coffee and sipped. “Exactly how I like it. Very thoughtful.”
He shrugged. “I’m a thoughtful kind of guy. How was your evening?”
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