She heard the words, but couldn’t reconcile them with what she knew about Zane. He was always joking and teasing. Jeff, on the other hand, was far more intense. Was that difference a reflection of their personalities? Or had they each picked a different way to deal with the past.
“You’re saying that Zane has closed himself off,” she said. “It’s a survival mechanism and once turned on there may not be a way to turn it off?”
“It’s a possibility.”
“You were able to readjust. You’re married, with a family.”
He smiled. “I had the help of an extraordinary woman to guide me back to the land of the living. She didn’t love me into changing. Instead, by loving her, I was able to see the possibilities.”
Was the same opportunity available to Zane? If she hung in there long enough and he allowed himself to care, would he be transformed?
“That’s what I know about myself and speculate may be true for Zane,” Jeff said as he returned to his chair. “The other piece of information I have is what you’ll find when you begin your search. He was married and his wife died. This was about five years ago. She was also a marine.”
Nicki stared at her boss. She couldn’t breathe, nor could she feel anything but unexpected pain. It was as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to her heart.
“Married?” she whispered.
Jeff nodded. “I’m sorry, Nicki. I know this is a surprise.”
She couldn’t believe it. “He never said anything.”
“He doesn’t talk about it to me much, either. He first mentioned her when I was within inches of being a complete moron and walking away from Ashley. Zane told me not to do it. When I pointed out he was hardly in a position to give romantic advice, he mentioned the woman from his past. Later, at the wedding, he took me aside and told me that there were few joys in life that matched those found in a happy marriage.”
“I see.”
The words were difficult to force out of her tight throat. She felt cold, stiff and sick to her stomach. The room started to spin and had she been standing, she would have crumpled to the ground.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “I have a place to start.”
“Are you all right?”
She forced herself to nod. “A little surprised, but I’ll get over it.”
Jeff leaned toward her. “Nicki, I think Zane is worth fighting for. He cares about you. We can all see it. This may take time, but don’t give up. If there’s anything I can do…”
“You’re being very kind,” she said as she turned and wheeled out of his office.
It took every ounce of strength she possessed to get back to her office. Once there, she closed the door and gave into the tears that burned her eyes.
Married! He’d been married. He’d loved someone else. He’d met her, been intrigued, dated her, proposed, then married her. They’d lived together, made plans. He’d touched her, made love with her and mourned her when she died.
Nicki couldn’t stand to think about it. She’d thought something had happened to make Zane incapable of loving, but maybe it was just he didn’t want to love her.
When the emotional storm had passed, all that was left was the hollowness in her chest. Two sides of her brain battled. Her logical half told her that a man who had loved once could love again. Her emotional side said to give up on what could never be and plan her life without him.
The problem with that last bit of advice was that she was still desperately in love with him. Hadn’t she promised herself she wouldn’t give up without a fight?
Besides, there was more going on than she realized. Zane’s reaction to her pregnancy had been surprising. He hadn’t been excited or upset or anything but determined to keep her safe. For the first time, she wondered why. What had happened in his past to make him the way he was?
Jeff had said he thought Zane had been married about five years ago. How had his wife died and was that the reason he couldn’t allow himself to connect?
She only knew one way to find out.
It was nearly seven that evening when Zane walked into her office.
“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to work late,” he said as he took the chair on the other side of her desk. “It’s called a compromise.”
He smiled as he spoke. Nicki studied him greedily, as if she had to memorize everything about him. The shape of his eyes, the curve of his cheeks, the way his mouth moved when he talked. She wanted to snuggle up next to him and breathe in his scent. She wanted to love him, and she wanted him to love her back. Unfortunately she was no closer to making that happen than she had been before.
“I had something come up,” she said, pulling a handful of sheets off the printer and stacking them with the rest.
“What?”
“I’m trying to break into military records. It’s not easy.”
He frowned. “It’s not only tough, it’s illegal. What’s going on? Jeff would never give you an assignment like that.”
“You’re right. I gave this one to myself.” She shoved the stack of papers toward him. “Tell me, Zane. What is it, because I sure as hell can’t find it. Tell me the secret. Tell me if there’s any hope.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You.”
Nicki knew she was acting out of desperation, but she didn’t know where else to turn. She had to know—even if the truth destroyed her and burned away any hope.
“Tell me why you can’t love me,” she said quietly. “We’re so good together. We laugh, we talk. We like the same sports, we argue about politics, we’re good in bed. I know you want me—I’ve seen the proof. But that’s not the same as loving me. So what is it? The color of my hair? The scent of my skin? The sound of my voice?” She swallowed. “Is it the wheelchair?”
He swore and grabbed the papers. “What the hell have you been doing?”
“Searching out your past. I want to know why and I can’t find it there, so you’re going to have to tell me.”
He scanned a couple of sheets, then tossed them back at her. “It’s not the damn chair and you know it.”
“I was pretty sure, but all the women you’ve dated have been physically perfect and I’m not.” She wheeled out from behind the desk and banged her hand against the metal frame of her chair. “This is a part of me. I am not defined by what I can and cannot do, yet it influences who I am. In some ways, I’m a much stronger person. But I can’t walk or dance or run. Is that any part of it?”
“No. never.” He shoved his chair back and stood, glaring at her. “It’s none of that.”
“Then is it about the woman you married?”
He turned away. For a second she thought he might leave, but he didn’t. Instead he sank back in the chair and rubbed his eyes.
“Yes. It’s about Amber.”
Amber. Nicki froze. Somehow hearing the name made the other woman more real.
“Tell me,” she whispered.
“You don’t want to know.”
“Maybe not, but I need to hear why you won’t give us a chance.”
He was silent for a long time. She was determined to wait him out. He was right. She didn’t want to hear the words, but she sensed there was power in the truth.
“We couldn’t have been more different,” he said quietly, not looking at her but at some point on the wall behind her. “She was from a big family in the south. I was a street kid. But there was something between us from the first. I never expected her to say yes when I asked her out, but she accepted and that was it. By the second date, I was hooked.”
The pain was like sharp blades cutting through her body. Nicki felt the cold steel sliding between bone and organs. Her chest constricted, her fingers were numb.
“When I met her folks, I was sure they’d take her aside and tell her it was a big mistake to hang out with me, but they didn’t. They made me feel welcome. It was Christmas, and after dinner we went for a walk and I proposed. We were married that spring.”
&nbs
p; Zane leaned forward and rested his forearms on his thighs. “She was the first woman I’d ever loved. I didn’t know how I’d gotten so lucky. She was tough, but feminine. Small, but feisty. We were assigned to an island near the Philippines. We worked together and it was great. Then one day she told me she was pregnant.”
Nicki hadn’t seen that one coming. It wasn’t possible for her to feel more pain, so she simply endured the violent ripping of her dreams. Pregnant. There was nothing she could offer Zane that he hadn’t already had with Amber. She was little more than second best.
“I wanted her to go home,” he continued. “I was scared that she might get hurt out there and I wanted her to go stateside. She disagreed. She wanted to stay as long as possible. I held the trump card. Once her commanding officer knew she was pregnant, he would send her home. I told her if she didn’t come clean, I would do it for her. So she agreed. She packed up and left.”
He drew in a breath. “I stood right there while she got on the helicopter. I waved goodbye and yelled that I loved her. I was due to get reassigned in about four months, so I figured we would be together then. I’d be home for the birth of our child.”
Nicki knew he was about to tell her something bad. She wanted to stop him, but knew she had to know—even if the telling hurt them both.
“The helicopter rose up toward the sky. As it moved forward, something happened. A mechanical failure. It lurched, then slammed into the side of a mountain. There was an explosion. I remember standing there, feeling the heat on my face. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. I sure as hell couldn’t save her. I was the one who had insisted on her getting on that helicopter. I killed her, and the baby.”
Nicki didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t have imagined anything like this.
“That’s why I date those other women,” he said, raising his head and staring at her. “Because they could never matter. I only ever wanted to love Amber.”
The darkness in his eyes made her back up a few feet.
“Of course,” she whispered. “None of this was about me being in a wheelchair. It wasn’t about me at all.”
She was little more than a bit player in a story that had nothing to do with her. Why couldn’t she have seen that before she’d fallen in love with a man who was still in love with a ghost?
Chapter Fifteen
Nicki didn’t actually watch Zane leave her office. When he’d finished his story, she turned away, fighting for control. When she’d finally looked back at the chair, he was gone.
Maybe it was better. What was there to say in all this? She’d wanted to know why he wouldn’t love her, wouldn’t give them a chance, and now she had the information. He was in love with someone else. He always had been.
She felt cold and empty, but worse, she felt ashamed. She’d been so damn sure that she was strong and capable and in charge of her life, but at the first sign of trouble with Zane, she’d assumed it was about her being in a wheelchair. She’d emotionally hidden behind her circumstances because it was easy and convenient. She’d never stopped to consider that it might not be about that at all, which meant she wasn’t as far along the road to recovery as she thought.
That wasn’t going to make dealing with Zane any easier. Because she was going to have to deal with him. They were having a baby together.
She rubbed her temples and told herself she would survive this. Somehow she would be strong, because she’d been to hell and back and nothing could defeat her. Not even the realization that she’d been wishing after the moon all this time.
She’d thought there was something wrong with him. That he was just afraid of commitment or that he’d been burned by love. She’d even allowed herself to consider the possibility that he was secretly in love with her, but afraid to admit it. But no.
He was in love with his late wife. Maybe he was one of those people who could only love once. A one-woman man. Which left her exactly nowhere. Because no matter how much she didn’t want it to be true, she still loved him and she wanted him to love her back.
But she couldn’t make him, nor could she change the past. At the end of the day she was alone and forever linked with someone who wouldn’t see her as more than a friend he liked to sleep with.
“The death threats against Mr. Sabotini have escalated,” Jeff said three days later at the staff meeting. “We’re going to coordinate with a multinational task force.” He nodded at Nicki. “You’ll be spending a lot of time at your computer until this one is resolved.”
She looked up from her notes. “Not a problem. I’m already coordinating with our team in New York. When he brings his family over here, that’s their point of entry. Fortunately they’ll be flying a private jet and not commercial. That should cut down on some of the risk.”
“Good. My contacts in Europe tell me the clues are mounting, but so far there’s not enough for them to move on,” Jeff continued.
Nicki wrote down the pertinent information. While she was sorry that Mr. Sabotini and his family were in danger, she appreciated having something to occupy her mind. The intense work situation kept her from thinking about Zane and what a fool she’d been.
It wasn’t just finding out that he wouldn’t ever love her, it was the loss of him from her life. Gone were the easy lunches, the teasing conversation. He no longer asked about her protein intake or monitored her morning exercise. Since he’d confessed his past, he’d barely spoken to her.
Now they sat at opposite ends of the table, on opposite sides. She was careful not to look in his direction and figured he was probably doing the same. Their co-workers had noticed. Brenda, Jeff’s assistant, had stopped by that morning to ask what was up with Zane.
Nicki had pretended ignorance, then had felt like slime for lying. She wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping and knew she had to find a way to function, for the sake of the baby, if not for herself.
The meeting adjourned. As usual, Nicki waited until the room was empty before rolling out into the hallway. Zane was one of the first ones out the door.
As she stared after him, she wondered what she should do. Give up? That plan made the most sense. He loved someone else, which she could handle if he also wanted to love her. But he didn’t. Maybe he couldn’t, maybe he wasn’t interested. She would probably never know. The most sensible course of action was to figure out a way to get over him.
Last night she’d made a list of her options. She could stay where she was and hope for the best. She could quit and find another job in Seattle. Or she could move.
Her parents hadn’t been subtle in their hinting that she head down to Tucson. With her degree and her work experience, she knew she wouldn’t have trouble finding a job. She might even be able to do something from home. Of course moving would mean that Zane wouldn’t be much of a part of his child’s life.
She headed for her office. As she settled behind her desk, she considered that. Was it fair to take the baby away from him?
Did he care about the baby?
Nicki leaned back in her chair. Did he? He was worried about her health. He wanted to keep them both safe. He’d made logistical plans about changing tables and dressers, but what about plans to read to their child? To play with it, nurture it? He couldn’t get over loving and losing Amber enough to love another woman. Could he get over the child he’d lost to care about the one she carried?
She could accept loving a man who didn’t love her back, but she wouldn’t subject her baby to that. Not ever. Which might make the decision to leave Seattle a very simple one.
Zane paced in his house. He was exhausted, but knew he didn’t want to sleep. Not when the nightmares had returned.
They were vivid, cruel and detailed. In them he stood on the tarmac, watching the helicopter rise toward the sky. It stuttered, lurched, then slammed into the mountain. In his sleep, he relived every second of the crash. The heat, the smell, the horror. He always came awake bathed in sweat, and screaming.
For the first three months after Amber had died, t
he nightmares had come every night. Eventually they’d slowed to once a week, then once a month. Finally they’d faded. Until he’d told Nicki the truth.
There were no words to describe the ache inside. He was empty. He hadn’t thought he could hurt more than he had when he’d lost his wife and his unborn child, but he did. Because this time in addition to reliving what had been ripped from him, he’d also lost Nicki.
She was his best friend. She was his refuge. The place he could be himself. With her, there was laughter and affection and escape. They’d become friends so easily that he hadn’t noticed how important she was to him until she was gone. Now he was alone and he didn’t think he could face another night with the ghosts.
He grabbed his keys and walked out of his houseboat. There was only one place he knew to go.
She answered the door without asking who was there. As if she’d known it was him. As he stood on her doorstep, he took in her long red hair, the vivid green of her eyes, the perfect blush on her cheeks. He ignored the wary expression and instead saw only what they had been together. He trusted her. He didn’t want to lose her. He couldn’t lose her. But how to convince her?
“Marry me,” he said without thinking. “Marry me, please. I’ll do anything you want. Say anything.”
She wheeled back to let him enter, then followed him to the living room.
Her steady gaze locked with his. “I’m not looking for a trained pet,” she told him quietly. “If I needed someone in my life to do my bidding without question, I’d get a dog.”
Her anger surprised him. Then he remembered how he’d hurt her. “I’m sorry,” he told her. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Actually, I think you did.” She drew in a breath. “I have a question. When the baby is born, will you care about it?”
He frowned. “Of course. It’s my child.”
“Will you love it?”
“Yes.”
“What if we have twins?”
He stiffened. “You can’t—”
A Little Bit Pregnant Page 18
