“I promised him, on my word”—he breathes a ragged breath into his lungs—“my word as a brother, my word as a SEAL, and my word as a man, that I would do everything possible to take care of them. And clearly, I failed.” His voice breaks under the pressure of his enormous burden.
“No, you didn’t. You’re doing exactly what you said you would. None of this is your fault,” I comfort him.
“The thing is, I’ve been watching Lisa unravel ever since. Her drinking has gotten out of hand and lately she’s been talking about how she thinks she’s being possessed by the devil. It’s, well, it’s been difficult to watch. Difficult and scary.” The gentle lines across his face seem to have grown deeper. His eyelids look heavy, like he hasn’t slept in a month.
“She thinks she’s possessed?” I shudder as I envision someone so unstable in charge of a little girl.
“It’s impossible to know what she really thinks, to be honest. She’s always been dramatic, downright annoying if you ask me. I never did see what Trevor liked about her, but you can’t stand in the way of love, right? And God knows he loved her. He must have because even before he ever got sick she was what you’d call ‘high-maintenance.’ Anyway, her drinking has made everything a hundred times worse. I’ve been pushing my lawyer to take her to trial for custody, but he keeps telling me we don’t have enough on her.”
“Well, you must now.” I point to the iPad, and he nods.
“Yeah, I could see the writing on the wall a while back. I mean, I never imagined in a million years she’d get this bad, but I knew it wasn’t going to end well. That’s why I’ve been flying out all the time and paying for full-time and live-in care. When that hasn’t worked I’ve had my mother step in. It’s been a grind, but it’s kept Madison safe. Until now.”
“Hey, you couldn’t know she would do this.” My grasp on his hand tightens. “You’ve done everything you could. How could you predict she’d pull some crazy shit like that? It’s nuts.”
Colt swallows hard. “I know. It’s just… fuck, it’s so infuriating that it takes something so goddamned drastic before people take it seriously. Anyway, Lisa’s been arrested and now Madison’s in custody of a social worker. I have no idea how this is going to play out, but I’m not walking away without her again. I won’t do it.”
“You won’t have to. There’s no way they’re just going to give Madison back to her. There’s no way.”
I can’t imagine a world where anyone in their right mind would send a helpless child to live with someone so dangerous. That’s not a world I want to raise my own child in. My hand lies against my tummy and my conscience reminds me I still need to find time to tell Colt about another child.
Our child.
He stares off like he’s watching the next few hours unfold in front of his eyes and it’s wilting what is left of his strength. Colt puts his arm around me. I close my eyes, leaning my head against his shoulder, and he presses his lips against my forehead in a weightless kiss.
“What about you? How are you holding up?” he asks, searching my face for clues. “I know this is a lot to process.”
“Hey, look, don’t worry about me. Right now you just need to focus on this. I’m just happy you asked me to come along. It’s been hard to be sitting in the dark guessing.” Now I’m searching his face, but all I can find is exhaustion. “I really wish you’d told me about all of this sooner.”
“I should’ve told you sooner,” he agrees quietly, but his eyes are locked on his watch. “I just didn’t know how to get into all of this, or even how it was going to go, you know?”
I don’t want to chastise him. I know he has enough to deal with right now. More than he even knows, I look down at my belly and consider how much more complicated this whole pregnancy just became.
I was already afraid to tell Colt, but now with Lisa and Madison in the picture things are even more frightening. I was worried Colt wasn’t going to be ready for my news and that he might not want to take on a baby right now. Now, I’m wondering if I’m ready for his news and whether or not I’m ready to take on a two-year-old and a crazy sister-in-law.
I just don’t know.
25
Colt
Colt!” Madison yells, her eyes lighting up when she sees me. Her chubby arms slide through the bars of the oversized crib they placed her in and wrap themselves around my leg. “Colt, don’t go. Where’s Mommy? Who’s that?” She points a pudgy finger at Isabella.
I’m not sure what question to answer first. Explaining any of this to a two-year-old is going to be a task. Instead, I reach over the large crib rail and pick her up, holding her close. For a toddler, she can give one hell of a bear hug. Her arms squeeze so tight around my neck, she’s making it difficult to swallow this lump in my throat.
“Madison has been under observation for the past six hours. While there’s been no physical damage done, it’s too preemptive to assess whether or not there will be any long-term emotional consequences,” the social worker informs me.
With long chestnut hair and a light sprinkling of freckles on her nose, her wide blue eyes give her youthful appearance that makes me wonder how much schooling is required for social work these days. It’s undeniable that she cares, though. The concern on her face is genuine. Anyone can see that.
I glance at Isabella, who is keeping herself at a safe distance from this whole scene. Standing near the door with her arms crossed, I feel like she should go grab a lab coat and a clipboard so she at least has a reason to be observing us from the sidelines.
I guess I can’t blame her. She hasn’t really had a chance to process any of this. I mean, she only learned of Madison’s existence a few hours ago. What do you expect?
If Madison had any interest in Isabella or where her mother is, she seems to have lost it now. Safe in my arms, she’s starting to relax and babble like the happy girl I’m used to.
“Colt, I went to the beach.”
My heart aches at her announcement. She has no idea in her little bubble that I know she went to the beach, that half the Internet knows she went to the beach, and after tonight’s nightly news who knows how many thousands more will know about her eventful day.
“Did you, honey? Was it fun?” I cringe at my own question. I hope that by asking her about it I won’t traumatize her in some way. I don’t want to bring up flashbacks of what must’ve been the most terrifying and confusing day of her life.
“Yeah, I went swimming!” Gleefully, her eyes light up with a familiar sparkle. “And I got to ride on a tractor,” she happily announces.
“A tractor?” I look up at the social worker for clarification.
“She means the four-wheeler the beach security picked her up with.” She smiles.
I nod at her, distractedly watching Madison. You’d never know from her demeanor that she’s had such a life-changing day.
“I’m so happy to see you, honey. I missed you,” I tell her truthfully, looking into her giant brown eyes.
“I miss you too, Colt.” She gives me a big wet kiss on the cheek. “Can we go home now? I want to play. You play dolls?” She looks at Isabella and my eyes follow to see her reaction.
Isabella startles, realizing Madison said something to her, like she’s being pulled out of a daydream. Maybe this is all too much for her.
“With your dolls?” she answers slowly, like she isn’t quite sure what the words mean. “Yeah, sure. I’d love to play with your dolls.” Isabella smiles weakly.
“All right, Madison”—the social worker looks directly at the squirming two-year-old in my arms—“you get to go home and play soon. But first I need to talk to Colt a bit more, okay?” Unlike Isabella, her smile looks genuine. You can see it in the crinkled corners of her eyes.
Madison nods at her solemnly.
“I want to stay with Colt.” She clings against me like Saran wrap. “I stay with Colt!”
“That won’t be a problem. You can stay together.” She smiles again and it calms Madison.
I
have to admit her smile also does wonders for my own frayed nerves. She’s good at what she does. I’ll give her that.
I look over at Isabella, who seems to be immune to the calming reassurance of the social worker. Her eyebrows are still knit together. She’s gone back into whatever world she’d escaped from a moment ago, only standing in this room with us in body, not spirit.
One crisis at a time. Whatever is going on with Isabella, I’ll have to deal with it later.
“Certainly, Miss Kingsley. However long it takes, I’m just happy to see she’s safe.” One look into Madison’s big brown eyes and angelic smile melts away my concerns about what is going through Isabella’s mind.
One crisis at a time.
26
Colt
The familiar roar of the plane engine is filling my ears as Madison sleeps peacefully between myself and Isabella. Clutched in her arms is the stuffed teddy bear I got her with the I heart NY shirt on. She looks so happy when she sleeps, like a two-year-old should.
When I was Madison’s age, I was obsessed with planes. I used to dress up in my father’s blazer and pretend to be a pilot flying across the oceans. Traveling by air once seemed like the most exciting and adventurous thing my little mind could imagine. Little did I know it would become my most hated form of transportation as an adult. Since my brother got sick I’ve spent more hours in airports and flying back and forth to Florida than I have spent sleeping.
It’s strange. I’ve fought so damned hard to be awarded full guardianship of Madison that you’d think I’d be relieved or happy now that she’s in my care. Yet, all I’m exhausted and sad. It brings me no joy to tear her from her mother’s arms, despite the fact that it’s what’s best for her. It’s probably best for Lisa too, honestly. She’s always struggled with drinking and depression for as long as I’ve known her. And now she’s spiraling down to rock bottom.
When Trevor was alive he confided in me more than once about her mood swings and benders, but it was nothing compared to when the Leukemia took him. Her monthly binges quickly became weekly and then, they stopped being binges. Because binges mean you take a break at some point. I know this won’t be easy, but hopefully Madison can find some stability and peace with me in New York. Lord knows, the child deserves a better hand than she’s been dealt so far.
I’m not sure what’s going on with Isabella, but I wish she’d open up. I understand that this might be more than she’s prepared to take on right now. I mean, it’s a lot to expect anyone to sign up for. Ever since we flew out here she’s been quiet. I wish she’d stop making me guess what’s going on in her head.
“Hey, you all right?” I reach over Madison and softly graze my fingers against Isabella’s arm.
“Yeah, fine.” She refuses to look at me. Instead, her eyes are locked on Madison as she answers. Her face isn’t giving me any clues about how she’s feeling about all this, but I’m guessing she’s ready to bail based on how distant she’s been.
“Isabella, look, I know this is a lot to take in. Maybe too much? I understand if you want some space or need some time to think about us now.”
Her eyes are brimming with tears and she’s shaking her head. “No, Colt. It’s not that—”
“I’m sorry, sir? I’m going to have to ask you to put your seatbelt on. The light is on and we’re expecting a little bit of turbulence.” The indistinguishable blond woman interrupts us.
“Certainly.” I snap my belt closed right away under the flight attendant’s watchful gaze.
“Thank you, sir.” She smiles the dead-eyed smile of a customer service employee and walks away.
“What’s going on, Isabella?” I divert my attention back to her, but she’s recomposed herself.
“Nothing.”
I feel like I swallowed a plate of ice. I hate when she shuts down her emotions so quick. It’s too familiar, too much like Lisa and her ups and downs. I just can’t deal with any more pushing and pulling.
“Fine.” I close my eyes and lean back in my seat, too exhausted to think or feel anymore. I peek out of the corner of my eye, and Isabella is sullen, staring at her lap. Maybe she just needs some time to work through all of this. Or maybe she’s just counting down her time on this plane until she can walk away. Either way, time will tell.
27
Isabella
“What you think about the name August for a girl, or Augustus for a boy?” Julia briefly looks up from the clothes rack full of cute dresses she’s been eyeing up. With me being two months along and her two and a half, neither of us is big enough to even consider the maternity clothes in here. Looking at one of the price tags on a pair of Bermuda shorts with a giant elastic sewn to the top as a waistband, I drop the tag as soon as they see the number as if it seared my hand with its ridiculous price. There’s no way I’m going to be able to afford anything in the store, not on a waitress’s salary.
I crinkle my nose and think about the names. “I like August for a girl. That sounds pretty cute. I can picture the sort of girl she would be. You know, a free spirit or maybe an artist. I picture a really fun girl with a bubbly personality. But Augustus? Are you serious?”
“What’s wrong with Augustus?” She looks at me without a hint of irony or sarcasm on her face.
Oh God, she is serious.
“Julia, come on. Are you gonna break off a broom and glue it to a helmet when you send him to school? ’Cause that sounds like the name of a Gladiator or some shit.” I giggle at her surprised face. “And with a name like Augustus you better hope he’s a Gladiator, since you’d be sending him to a lion’s den every day he goes to school. Seriously, Augustus? Was that Parker’s idea?”
“I thought it sounded like a strong name. Gladiator? That’s what you think of?” She gives a slight shrug of her shoulders. “What names have you come up with that are so much better? Have you and Colt decided on anything yet?” She tilts her head and places her hand on her hip as I look at the floor, avoiding her gaze.
“Ahhh, no, not really. We haven’t really had that conversation yet,” I mumble to my feet.
“Is everything okay with you two? You never did tell me how he took it.” She’s staring at me hard now.
“I still… I, uh, just can’t seem to find the right time to tell him.”
“Isabella! Are you serious right now?” Her shrill tone makes the other customers in the store turn and stare at us in alarm. The last thing I need is a bunch of girls staring at me and listening in on my business.
“Shhh! Don’t get all excited. I’m going to tell him. There’s a lot going on with us, you know.” I lower my voice to a hush and the women around us go back to ignoring our existence. “It’s just hard to get the timing right. I mean, Colt’s life is so hectic right now. He’s got Madison to think about and a lot on his plate with Lisa. I’m just not sure how much room he has in his life for me right now, and I don’t want that to change just because I’m pregnant. You know?”
“No, I don’t know,” Julia hisses at me. “From everything I’ve seen, Colt’s completely in love with you. Why would you think any different?” Her eyes flicker over my face for a second, but she doesn’t wait for my answer. “You have to tell him, Isabella,” she urges. “You know for a fact it isn’t right that you’re keeping this from him,” she scolds me.
I know she’s right, and the truth is I’m not sure what’s keeping me from telling him. It’s just that every time I play the scene over in my mind, I’m about to have a panic attack. One day just rolled into another and before I knew it a month somehow passed us by and I still hadn’t said a word.
“Have you at least told your parents yet?” Julia presses on, knowing full well I haven’t.
“No. Why should I?” My words are jagged splinters of ice. “I don’t owe them a damn thing.”
Julia’s eyes soften and her hand drops from her hip, grasping mine gently. “Okay, forget I said anything about your parents. I understand you guys have history and you’ll work it out eventually. B
ut you gotta give Colt a chance. You can’t hold his feet to someone else’s fire. He isn’t Joseph. He isn’t gonna run or turn you away. Besides, you know it’s not right that Mr. Taylor knows you’re pregnant but your man doesn’t.” She tilts her head at me.
It isn’t just my boss, Mr. Taylor, who knows. Working the day shift at the diner and all of its unique smells hasn’t been the best thing for my morning sickness. Pretty much everyone in that greasy spoon knows I’m knocked up now.
“Like I said, I will tell him. It’s not like I’m gonna try to hide it or anything, I’m just waiting for the right time. Madison is just finally settling into the apartment and we’re waiting to see whether or not Lisa can stand trial. Everything is just up in the air right now. I’m not sure I’m ready for any of this.” I look at the giant diamond twinkling on her ring finger and roll my eyes. “Besides, it’s easy for you to say everything will work out when you’ve got that giant sparkler weighing down your finger. Not all of us have our lives tied up in such a neat little bow.”
“That’s an excuse, and you know it. Look, you know I’m here for you no matter what, all right?” She gives my hand another squeeze and looks me straight in the eyes.
Some of my tension melts away. I know she has the best intentions for me. She’s just trying to help.
“I just don’t want to see you let the darkness from the past overshadow what could be a happy future. You deserve more than that. You both do.” She drops my hand and gently touches her fingers against my stomach. “In the end family is all we’ve got, Isabella. You do what you gotta do to make that work. I’m not telling you this because it’s just what’s best for the baby, it’s best for you too. Seriously.”
“I know, you’re right. I’m going to tell him soon, I promise. Okay?” I look her straight on. “Now, come on, let’s get out of here. You and I both know we’ve got no business looking at these clothes yet.” I sweep my hand across the store and nod down at our flat bellies. “How about we get a bite to eat or something? I’m actually hungry for once. Who knows, maybe you can find some more inspiration for your baby names. Like maybe you could name your kid pizza or Big Mac. Hey, that one actually works.” I laugh.
His Promise Page 10
