by Lacy Maran
Even our brawls don't attract airtime anymore, Hockey laments
New York, NY--Brutal brawls and frenzied fist-fights that used to catch the eye of even the most casual fan are now falling on blind black eyes. "Fans used to have an insatiable appetite for carnage, mayhem, and glass shattering hip checks,“ an anonymous Player ruminates. "But audience just aren't in the mood for wholesale bone chilling violence anymore. Bummer." The frozen favorites fortunes fell after a lockout season where their network airtime was replaced with such lower tier sports as poker, darts, arm wrestling, table tennis, and competitive eating. "It makes me want to puke just thinking about it," the Player continues. "Think of all the concussions that have been wasted." But Hockey has plans to bring back viewers. "Intermission ice boxing," the Player boasts. "We‘ll save two sports at once."
Thanksgiving
Or
A prelude to rampant commercialism
Wife Wonders If Chain Restaurant Thanksgiving Not So Bad After All
Atlanta, GA--After countless Thanksgivings spent slaving away in the kitchen, harried wife Melissa Norton wonders if spending Thanksgiving at a chain restaurant wouldn’t be so bad after all. “It would sure be nice not to have to get up at five to put the turkey in the oven,” Norton imagines. “Yeah, let someone else make the stuffing from scratch.” Norton, who when not spending her holidays preparing feasts works forty hours a week at a marketing firm, thinks it may be time to give this vacation thing a try. “Wow, to have the whole day off to rest and relax, that would really be something to give thanks for,” Norton remarks. “Do people actually do that?”
Boy Resentful After Being Passed Over For Promotion From Kids Table
Houston, TX--Despite eleven long years toiling at the kids table, youngster Andrew Langston will have to wait at least one more year before possible promotion. “This super sucks,” Langston declares. “I’m not just some baby.” Resentment has been growing over the last few years for Langston, who thinks he’s more than earned the right to sit with the adults. “My cousin Timmy get to sit at the big table,” Langston adds. “And he still picks his nose.” But the adults seem to pay no attention to Langston’s seething, focusing instead on heated conversations about politics, local sports, and Uncle Ernie’s growing drinking problem. But Langston sees his prospects brightening next year. “I’m for sure going to be sitting with the adults next year. Otherwise someone’s going to find a whoopee cushion on their chair.”
Football Marathon Interrupted By Obligatory Conversation With Long-Winded Aunt
Pittsburgh, PA--Jerry O’Neill’s fifth hour of football watching was abruptly interrupted by a greeting from his long-winded Aunt Edna. “Jerry, so nice to see you,” Edna boasts, unaware of the bone crunching tackle onscreen. “How have you been?” Much to O’Neill’s chagrin, evasive tactics yielded no headway. “You know, I was at the dry cleaners the other day,” Edna adds, oblivious to the deep ball that had just been caught in the end zone for a go ahead score. “And I thought about that time you spilled lasagna all over your new shirt.” The tedium showed no sign of breaking. “Your Uncle’s not doing so well,” Edna proclaimed. “Gotta watch out for those hemorrhoids.” But O’Neill found a way to penetrate Edna’s stifling defense. “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom,” O’Neill uttered, escaping while he could. Proud of his work, O’Neill returned from the bathroom with a cold one and celebrating two more hours of unadulterated vegging.
Formidable Feast Forces Man To Unbutton Pants
Yonkers, NY--Following repeated attempts to resist temptation, Frank Conley finally gave in and unbuttoned the top button of his pants. The unbuttoning, which occurred after a massive feast, was unfortunately witnessed by numerous members of the Conley family. “It was so embarrassing,” daughter Nicole noted. “Yeah, almost as embarrassing as the fart he let out,” adds sister Colleen. Some say Conley came unprepared to conquer three helpings of stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and turkey, but Conley has no regrets. “Hey, I did all I could. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses before the button pops off.” But Conley’s critics, Colleen chief among them have a different idea. “Why couldn’t he just wear sweatpants?” Unfortunately, Conley was napping and was unable to comment further.
Sight Of Grandma’s Mashed Potatoes Leads Newly Trim Grandson To Abandon Diet
Decatur, IL--John Maxwell’s diet, which spanned seven months and trimmed five inches off his waist came to an abrupt end yesterday when Maxwell scarfed down four servings of his Grandmother’s treasured mashed potatoes. “Totally worth it,” Maxwell declared. “If you knew how creamy they were, you couldn’t get enough of them either.” Although she seems innocent enough, this is not the first diet Grandma Maxwell has quashed. “I lost twenty pounds on one of those carb counting diets a few years back,” Maxwell recalls “then Grammy offered me her special brownies. That diet never stood a chance.” But Maxwell was quick to note he’s jumped back on the diet train “at least for another month,” Maxwell contends. “Grammy makes some killer Christmas cookies.”
Daughter Returns Home From College To Find Bedroom Converted Into Home Gym
Bellevue, WA--Diane Stevenson’s long awaited return from college was quickly overcome with befuddlement with Diane’s discovery of her bedrooms conversion into a home gym. “There’s a treadmill where my beds supposed to be,” Stevenson declared. “And my dressers been replaced with a weight bench.” But the last straw was Stevenson’s discovery that her beloved walk in closet was now the permanent residence of resistance training equipment. “Where are my shoes?” Stevenson bellowed, near tears. “This is a tragedy.” But Stevenson’s parents couldn’t disagree more. “What’s the point of having an empty room? This way I work out everyday,” Stevenson’s Father notes. Stevenson’s Mother concurs. “I’ve already gone down tow dress sizes.”
Drunk Uncle’s Grace Leaves Unshakable Awkward Silence In The Room
San Diego, CA--The sobering story of Uncle Bill’s alcoholism has a new chapter after mouthing an unforgettable grace that were he ever sober, he’d surely regret for the rest of his life. “I haven’t seen him that drunk since the 4th of July,” sister Janine noted. “It was more awkward than when my nephew Paul came out of the closet.” After a mouth full of Bill’s rambling, stammering, and garbling, the table stayed quiet for what was only two minutes, but seemed like twenty, before Grandpa Earl finally broke the ice. “The foods not going to eat itself,” Earl declared “pass the stuffing.” But the damage had been done, leaving the Watkins clan with a scar they won’t soon forget. “This ranks right up there with the time he tackled the Christmas tree,” sister Pauline ruminates. “It’s a good thing we took his keys away or he’d probably get an DWI.”
Visit To In-Laws Surprisingly Pain Free
Oklahoma City, OK--The trip to Theresa Burton’s in-laws, which she had dreaded all year, turned out yesterday to be decidedly less torturous than she had expected. “Usually Pete’s family makes life a living hell for me. This time they only slightly rattled me,” Burton recalls. “It must have been my apple crisp.” Burton’s delicious homemade apple crisp had in fact been a treasure for her in-laws taste buds and kept criticism of Burton for the most part at bay. But Burton knows taste bud diplomacy has its boundaries. “They’re still whispering behind my back that I’m not good enough for Pete,” Burton remarks. “They just aren’t doing it to my face.” Still, the cease fire is on, at least until Christmas. “I’m sure they’re planning to give me coal in my stocking,” Burton adds. “That’s ok. I’m coming armed with Christmas cookies.”
Native Americans Give Thanks For White’s Casino Misfortunes
Reservation, USA--Four hundred years after European explorers set foot on and claimed North America as their own, casino receipts are giving Native Americans reason to finally give thanks. “Thank God for the white man’s gambling obsession,” a Tribal Elder remarks. “Thank you for betting the house and busting.” Indian reservations, most recently a bastion fo
r tax free cigarettes and small name boxing bouts have been booming lately thanks to the near endless sprouting of casino hotels. And White’s have been more than happy to oblige, forking over sizable sums for deluxe accommodations. “Why give your money to Vegas,” the Elder inquires “when we’re right down the road with open arms and eager wallets.”
Family Conversation Centers Around Woman’s Romantic Ineptitude
Kansas City, KA--Veronica Kimble’s arrival, sans boyfriend yet another year, sent family members into a flurry of speculation as to whether she ever get a man. “I don’t know what she’s doing, but she’s obviously doing it wrong,” remarks happily married brother Hal. “It’s like she wants to be single.” But Veronica definitely does not. Her decades long quest for love has more recently become a labor or love, long on hours, short on luck. “Where’s my Grandkids?” Kimble’s Mother Evelyn wonders, “I’m not getting any younger.” But Kimble’s journey has been a perilous path, fraught with man children and midlife crisis cases, littered with commitment-phobes and creeps in between, yet Kimble has not given up hope. “It’s not like I want to be some old cat lady. I’m just not going to marry someone because my family wants me to get hitched.”
With only forty-one shopping days until Christmas, retailers rush out last minute sale
USA--With Christmas a mere six weeks away, retailers across the country are scrambling to cash in with a rash of last minute sales. "Is it just me, or is Halloween coming later every year?" one Retailer inquired. "God, we barely have time to put out decorations. Jesus, how are we supposed to prepare for a holiday on scant two months notice?" Retailers everywhere are frantically stocking their stores with Christmas trees, candy canes, department Santas readying themselves for crunch time. But one retailer has a solution to manage the madness. "Why don't we just more Halloween up to September? That was we can finally give Christmas the exposure it deserves."
Christmas
Or
It’s the thought that counts. You did keep that receipt though, right?
All Mom Wants For Christmas Is Sleep After Being Woken Up At Five AM To Open Presents
Cincinnati, OH--After an unscheduled five am wake up call by her two kids to open presents, all single Mother Dana Elster wants for Christmas is sleep. “Wake me up tomorrow,” Elster proclaims, delirious. “Or better yet, New Years Eve.” Elster, operating on just two hours of sleep after frantically wrapping last minute presents is not likely to be catching z’s anytime soon. “My parents are coming over in two hours, then I have to drive the kids over to the Father’s, but maybe after I do dishes I’ll be able to sneak in a quick nap,” adds Elster while putting finishing touches on the Christmas feast. “Oh crap. I forgot to put in the mashed potatoes.”
Gift Of Socks Solidifies Aunts Place In Christmas Hall Of Shame
Omaha, NE--A record setting career of mediocre gift-giving reached its nadir this year when nephew Bobby Stoddard received socks for his fifth straight Christmas. “Aunt Lenore is so lame,” teenager Stoddard remarked. “Her gifts always suck.” Lenore, who before socks gave out underwear every year, also is infamous for being that house on the block giving out apple’s at Halloween. But, she stands behind her presents. “Gadgets and fads come and go,” Lenore declares “but everyone needs a good clean pair of sock and underwear.” Stoddard was too busy dying of embarrassment to comment further.
Girl Furious After Catching Dad Pilfering Santa’s Milk And Cookies
St. Louis, MO--Six year old Abigail Munson is still fuming after catching her Father snacking on the milk and cookies she had carefully laid out for Santa. “I can’t believe Daddy did that,” Abigail seethes. “He almost got me kicked off the nice list.” The grizzly incident occurred at 2:15am. As Abigail exited the bathroom, she heard a rustle, and, assuming it was Santa, rushed into the living room only to find her dummy Dad ruining everything. “Santa flew here all the way from the North Pole. He needed those cookies,” Abigail added. “Besides, what did my Dad ever do to deserve them--other than use a potty mouth putting up the Christmas lights?”
Boy Unhappy With Mere $500 Worth Of Gifts This Year
Dallas, TX--Twelve year old Steve Joelson’s Christmas fell dangerously short of expectations when his unrivaled greed yielded a mere $500 worth of gifts this year. “This is ridiculous. I didn’t even get half the stuff on my list,” Joelson complains, looking at his huge haul with disdain. “Where’s the laptop? Where’s the new mp3 player? Where’s the big screen tv?” But Joelson soon came up with a plan to make up for lost loot. “My birthdays in four months, I’ll just double up my wish list then,” Joelson schemes. “No way I let my parents low ball me again.”
‘Putting Up These F.’ing Lights’ Kills Mans Holiday Spirit
Portland, OR--Although Robert Wallace’s holiday season started with cheer to spare, it will not end that way thanks to the thankless chore of putting up ‘these f.ing lights.’ “Son of a--” Wallace rants “these Mother f.’ers are harder to untangle than my garden hose.” The laborious annual irritation is only made worse by the numerous strands with inoperable bulbs. “Why the hell do I do this f.’ing crap every year?” Wallace laments as he tries to uncurl another strand of bulbs. “Especially when no one appreciates it.” Wallace’s family meanwhile attempts to ignore his profanity-laced tirades from ladder top, opting instead to admire the neighbors dazzling display of decorations. “F. me,” Wallace rants, “I hate these f.’ing lights.”
Trip To Church Scrapped For Last Minute Shopping Trip
Tuscon, AZ--The Wilkins once a year jaunt to Church to honor Christ’s birthday was scrapped in favor of a last minute shopping trip last night. “I’ve bought all the big gifts, there’s just a few little knick knacks I need,” Bob Wilkins declares. Teenage son Paul’s list is less complete. “Dude, I haven’t even started shopping yet. Hopefully Dad will let me borrow a few bucks.” Paul’s Mother has a more thrifty approach. “I’m on the hunt for some real bargains, otherwise those stockings are going to be pretty lean this year.” Stacey Wilkins is eyeing something else entirely. “Jimmy Bennings is working the late shift tonight. He is like so hot. Where’s the mistletoe when you need it?” The title of the sermon the Wilkins missed in favor of shopping: The Commercialization Of Christmas.
Mistletoe Kiss Gives Geek False Illusion Of Woman’s Interest
Battle Creek, MI--The kiss that gamer geek Glenn Gibbons will cherish for the rest of his life was not the product of burgeoning attraction, like he’d so desperately hoped, but in fact the result of well placed mistletoe. “That was the best kiss of my life,” Gibbons boasts. “Not like I have much of a frame of reference, but there was definitely something there.” Colleen Daniels, recipient of the kiss was not so enthusiastic. “I was on my way to the bathroom and all of a sudden, some weird guys tongue is in my mouth,” Daniels recalls with horror. “I had to brush my teeth for ten minutes straight after that.” But Gibbons would not be so easily deterred. “I invited her to this New Years party. That way we can get our second kiss at midnight,” Gibbons boasts. But Daniels could not disagree more. “I’d rather kiss my dog. That’ll teach me to never walk near mistletoe again.”
Girl Baffled That Older Brother Received No Coal In His Stocking
Pensacola, FL--Maureen Patterson’s faith in traditional holiday lore took a massive hit yesterday when her total meanie older brother didn’t receive even a mere lump of coal in his stocking. “This is so unfair,” eight year old Maureen declared. “Billy’s a total poopie head.” The poopiehead in question, known for his Charley horses and Indian burns earned his infamy on noogies, yet has managed to escape the naughty list yet another year. “Didn’t Santa get my letter? I sent it to the North Pole months ago,” Maureen adds, still stunned. “Uh oh. Here comes Billy with a wet willy.”
Retailers Roll Out Plans For New Christmas In July Sale-abration
New York, NY--After decades of unprecedented profit hikes during the holiday season, US retailers have announced plans to c
apitalize on consumers eagerness to part with their cash by unveiling a sequel to Jesus‘ birthday--Christmas 2: Christmas in July. “Why keep this money making marvel to just once a year?” one Retailer inquired, “when you can exploit it for every dollar it’s worth.” The new summer celebration will again feature Santa, this time Santa Clark, Clause’s South Pole sibling. You can expect to see him at a mall near you. “This is going to be huge,” another Retailer added. “Sequels always make more money than the original. Nothing will be bigger than this--except maybe number three--Christmas in April.”
