by Lilly Wilder
When I first learned about vampires my skin crawled. I thought about what it would be like to be taken against your will, to have your soul corrupted and twisted into something inhuman, to have everything you were stripped away from you and be left as nothing more than a hungry husk. It was a fate worse than death and I still shuddered at the thought of being turned into a vampire, even after I had killed dozens of them. Sometimes I felt pity for them, but I never felt guilty. As far as I was concerned I was putting them out of their misery. At least here in these grounds I didn’t have any vampires to worry about. I didn’t have to be on watch for anything; I could simply enjoy the atmosphere and tread slowly and not have to have my fingers ready to twitch and grab a stake.
I made my way around the building to the gardens. There were soft electric lights illuminating the path and the flowers were bathed in ethereal beauty. A few fireflies danced around the lights and the open air was gorgeous as it let the stars shine down upon me. I was drawn to the flowers like a moth to a flame. The scent lingered on the air and it was intoxicating. I found the path and walked through the flowers, wishing that I knew enough about them to know what they were. Even though I had been taught well by the nuns there were a few areas in which I was lacking. I had never really explored the world of nature, so the nuns had only ever taught me the very basic flowers. But here there were some I had never seen before and they were all delightful.
And then I saw him. He stood there, motionless in amongst the flowers. It was so natural for him to be there that he almost looked like a plant himself. He reached out a hand and brushed the petals, looking almost like he was asking it to dance. I stayed there, quiet, just watching him be so peaceful and calm among his friends. A few moments later I walked forward. I tried to be gentle, but when I spoke I startled him. He jumped and turned around, panic in his eyes.
“Don’t worry Adam, it’s just me,” I said.
“Elsa?” he looked at me with confusion. “I thought you weren’t staying on campus?”
“I’m not, but I…forgot something that I had to come back for. I thought I’d take a peek at the gardens since you seemed to prefer coming here at night. I thought there might be something more magical about them.”
“I just like being alone with them,” he said.
“Oh, I’m sorry if I’m disturbing you.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind you being here.”
At the time I didn’t realize how significant that was. I joined him in among the plants and breathed in the vibrant scent.
“So what are these?” I asked.
He pointed to a few flowers. “These are roses, those are lilacs, and these are lilies,” he said. I looked at each of them in turn. I had no idea how you were supposed to tell them apart, aside from the difference in color.
“I’m sorry about Julia today. I wish I had said something.”
“It’s better you didn’t. It would only cause trouble. It’s better to just ignore her. She doesn’t understand the relationship you can have with plants. They end up being a reflection of your own personality.”
“I guess that explains why hers are so thorny and why yours are so beautiful.”
Adam looked away. I almost couldn’t believe I had said what I did. But that was the beauty and magic of the night; you could say things you wouldn’t ordinarily have the courage to say.
“Thank you,” he said softly, “but you don’t know me or what I’ve done.”
“What do you mean by that?” I asked.
He sighed. “It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t be here at this time of night. They don’t like anyone being here who they don’t expect. If they catch you, you’ll be in trouble. I’m not even supposed to be out here past curfew, but nobody is going to stop me being alone with my flowers.”
I was struck by how possessive he was over the plants and it brought to mind what Troy had said. I got a sense of the steely nature behind his calm façade. “Those ones are close to dying,” Adam said. The moonlight caught him in such a way that he seemed to shimmer.
“How can you tell?”
“It’s the way they feel.” He rubbed the petals. I reached out and tried to mimic his movements, tried to feel what he felt, but I couldn’t. They just felt like petals and leaves to me. As I reached out, however, our hands brushed and I felt a tingle sweep through me. He pulled his hand away abruptly. I looked up at him, catching his gaze. I closed the distance between us.
“Have you ever wondered what it’s like to die?” he asked in a faltering voice. I cocked my head.
“Have you?”
He nodded. “It seems like it would be peaceful. You couldn’t do anything bad then. Everything dies, eventually…everything. At least that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Sometimes I’m…I’m afraid I’ll be here forever.”
“Would that be such a bad thing?”
When he looked at me, the moon caught his eyes in such a way that they seemed to be made out of liquid.
“Wouldn’t you hate to be here forever? To live the same life over and over again, to always know that nothing is special because it’s never going to end. You have all the time in the world to do everything you want. That’s why I like looking after plants. I can watch the whole cycle of their lives. I can watch them grow from seeds and then eventually wither and die. There’s something beautiful in the way it happens. It’s the way nature intended things to be.”
“But it’s always sad when people die before their time. I’d do anything to have my parents back with me. I never got a chance to know them. I don’t remember them. Given a choice between life and death I’ll choose life every time. And there are still some things that make life worthwhile, unexpected things.”
I searched his eyes and wasn’t sure what I’d find, but I was taken by the moment, my heart was swept away. I was back with Michael, when my heart was raw and naïve, and I gave myself to the first flush of love. I wanted to be close with Adam, to remind him that there was still so much beauty in the world. I could sense a deep sadness to him and I wanted to show him that there was still hope. Death was never the answer. It was always life. Always. So, fueled by a rush of…something, I pressed my lips against his. He was shocked at first, and this tentativeness was evident in his response, but he quickly grew into it and I found him tender and gentle. A soft murmur escaped his lips and he took my hand in his, squeezing it softly. And then, it was over, just as quickly as it had begun.
We had shared something special, and I wasn’t sure exactly what had inspired me to kiss him, but I didn’t regret one moment of it. He smiled shyly at me and then he turned back around to his plants, as though I wasn’t there at all.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said, but I didn’t get a reply. I wasn’t sure how to read him at all. I had no idea if he enjoyed the kiss or if it even meant anything to him. He was quite the conundrum, and perhaps that was part of the attraction. I was intrigued by the fact that he had a dark past. There was something he was ashamed of, but he wouldn’t tell me. I made a point to ask Josh about it the next time I saw him. I wanted to stay with Adam so that I could see the world the way he saw it, to feel so attuned to the natural world, but instead, I fled. He was right, in saying, if I was caught on the grounds I would have been punished. I didn’t want to jeopardize my place in the academy.
Chapter Seven
When I returned home everything was quiet. Arthur was sleeping again, at least I assumed he was because I couldn’t hear anything in the house. I passed his study and was tempted to go in again to search for what I needed, but I didn’t want to risk it. He hadn’t been happy the last time and I didn’t want to provoke his ire. He had been pretty fair to me and there were only a few rules he expected me to follow, so I didn’t think he was being unfair by suggesting that I shouldn’t intrude on his privacy.
I wished there was some way to control my dreams though. I wanted to be able to bridge the connection between the present and the past, to b
e able to actually communicate with my ancestors. I figured there must be a way, especially at night when the lines between the real and the magical became blurred. I lit some scented candles to fill the air with lavender and then I lay in bed and calmed my breathing so it was nice and deep and steady. I put all thoughts out of my mind and tried only to think of my aunt, the woman I had never known, the one who had bestowed this destiny upon me. I thought of her features and of everything that Arthur had told me about her. I tried to summon her essence so that when I fell asleep she would be at the forefront of my mind and swim through the sea of dreams towards me.
My consciousness drifted away and I was soon asleep, but it wasn’t my aunt who came to me. My dreams were alive and I was back in that mysterious castle, with the three men kneeling before me.
Suddenly the scene shifted. I was in bed, naked, my pale, voluptuous body burning with femininity. The men were around me, pressing me, suffocating me. At first I thought I was under attack and I wanted to scream again. I wanted to lash out and fight, but then I realized that it was the complete opposite. The men weren’t attacking me, they were loving me, pleasuring me, serving me. I felt the rush of arousal sweeping through my blood. I heard the moans of ecstasy and felt their hands all over my body, groping and pleasuring me. My heart throbbed and pleasure pulsed through me. My body was seized with heat and then one of the men looked up. I saw his fangs. Knew him to be a vampire. This was wrong. So wrong and, yet, it felt so right. I was gripped in this paroxysm of delight. The pleasure was more intense than anything I knew was possible, than anything I had ever imagined. Their lips were upon my throat, their erections pressed into me. My hands moved, except they weren’t my hands at all. There was something so erotic about the fact that I wasn’t in control of any of this. I was just an observer, and intruder, and yet it felt as though I was meant to be here, almost as though I had been here before…
I felt their kisses and then lay back. The first came over me, desire in his eyes.
“Let me serve you my mistress,” he said. “I exist to pleasure you.” The other two supported my head, and then I felt him penetrate me. I groaned and moaned. I shivered and quaked in my sleep, tossing and turning under the covers. Blood surged within me and my body twitched. I felt him inside me, except it wasn’t me, it was her, but it was so real it was almost as though I was losing my virginity. Her hands, my hands, clasped around the vampire’s head and drew him in. I had no idea what was happening, why these vampires were devoted to a Slayer, it seemed so wrong and yet I could tell that this made my ancestor happy. More than happy.
Ecstatic.
Delirious.
She had been left breathless by this rampant lovemaking and in my dream the faces of the vampires suddenly turned and shifted into the faces of the men I knew. I was so shocked and it just happened for a brief moment. I could feel the dream slipping away from me. I tried to hold on, to cling onto this pleasure because it all felt so good. I wanted more. I needed more. I used all my willpower to stay in that dream, to keep the feelings vivid, but it slipped away and faded, receding into the distance, only for there to be panting again.
It was dark. Then, suddenly, a burst of light. I felt pain in my stomach. I looked down and saw blood. My hands grasped at the stake. The blood was warm and there was so much of it. This time there was screaming, and I didn’t know if it was mine or hers. Her silver mirror had fallen to the ground. It was cracked, but I caught a reflection of myself. Of her. It was my aunt. She looked up. Towards her killer, but then there was another scream.
I awoke panting and breathless. My sheets were covered in sweat and my thighs were burning. I gulped in breath and thrust my hands against my stomach, afraid that the wound would have bled through to reality, but thankfully my flesh was intact. I fell back onto the pillow and let my arm fall against my head. There was so much to process; from the heady intense first dream, to the sheer terror of the second. I wanted to think only of the first dream, especially since Josh, Adam, and Troy had appeared, but my mind was on the second. My aunt had finally come to me, and I could feel she was trying to tell me something, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to relive that dream again. Not to feel her death. I had seen echoes of other deaths before, but none of them had been as painful as that. Perhaps it was because she was a direct relative, or because it had been the most recent death, but I felt awful that she had been in so much pain and I hadn’t been able to do anything to help. There was another feeling I experienced as well, but I couldn’t quite place it yet.
I wiped my brow and pushed myself up, too afraid and drained to get back to sleep. I perched on the end of the bed and took deep breaths to compose myself. None of this made any sense.
*
After the initial shock of being in my aunt’s mind had worn off, I thought more about the first dream. I had no idea how that kind of thing would come about. It went against everything we were taught as Slayers. I didn’t understand how a Slayer could betray her destiny to actually take vampires as lovers, but the reflection of my own life wasn’t lost on me. There were three vampires then, and now I had three men as well. It must have just been my own subconscious getting muddled up with the past, but it was chilling nevertheless. I had no idea how to broach the issue with Arthur. How was I supposed to tell him that one of my ancestors had taken part in an orgy with three vampires? I had to try and figure it out by myself, and I was pulled to his study again.
I crept along the hallway, but before I could reach the study I heard a muffled voice coming from Arthur’s room. I knew there couldn’t be anyone else in there because Arthur never had anyone come to visit him. I could only make out the end of the conversation.
“…no, I won’t let it happen again. I promise you that. She’s under control.”
I furrowed my brow. What was it that he wasn’t going to let happen again? What did he mean when he said I was under control? He must have been talking about me…there was nobody else he could have been talking about. My mind was running rampant and I had to make a serious effort to calm myself down because I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. I had only heard the tail end of the conversation so I was missing some context. I hovered outside his door, in two minds whether to burst in and confront him or not. His study was close, but with him being awake it was risky to go in there and search for what I needed. I didn’t know what to tell him or what to share with him anymore. What did he need to control about me?
I returned to my room and dived into my bed, pulling the damp covers over me. I closed my eyes and prayed that I wouldn’t drown in my dreams again. For so long I had wanted to be closer to my aunt, but now that I had finally built a bridge to her I was afraid of doing so again. I never wanted to feel that sheer panic again. It flooded my mind and it completely overwhelmed the sensations of the first dream. I thought about the kiss that Adam and I had shared, and I wondered if it would lead to anything or if it was just a secret whisper in the night that would never be spoken of again.
*
I awoke in the morning feeling a little better. My sleep had been undisturbed and I felt rested, although I was still troubled by what I’d heard. I decided the best thing to do was talk to Arthur directly. He was my mentor after all. He was responsible for my safety and he had my complete trust. I was sure that there was a simple explanation for everything I’d heard, and maybe he could help me with the dreams as well. I went downstairs for breakfast and he was sitting there with a newspaper and some toast. When he crunched, crumbs fell down onto his jacket, and he rhythmically brushed them away with a sweeping gesture.
I said good morning to him and got myself some cereal. I thought I would wait for him to bring up the matter of the phone call, but he didn’t.
“I got up in the night. I had trouble sleeping,” I said. He had no noticeable reaction. “Yeah…I went to get some water and I overheard you on the phone. Who were you talking to?”
“Oh, just the council. With different time zones they do l
ike to call at inconvenient hours, but they do like their reports.”
“What did you say about me?”
“Only the truth; that you’re applying yourself well and you’re proving yourself worthy of being called a Slayer. You’re making your Aunt proud.”
“I see…I couldn’t help overhear a small part of it. I wasn’t eavesdropping, obviously, but it was very late and noise carried through the silence. I’m sure I heard you say something about me being under control.”
A strange look flickered across his eyes, but it only lasted for an instant. In fact it was so fleeting that I wondered if I had actually seen it at all.
“I don’t believe so. If you heard anything like that you must have misunderstood. These walls aren’t thick, and you were probably tired. I had nothing but good things to say about you. Although…” he sighed. “I wasn’t sure if I should tell you this or not.” He folded the paper and placed it on the table. Then, he leaned forward and pushed his plate aside. “The truth is, Elsa, that there were some members on the council who weren’t too enthused about the idea of having you as a Slayer. The thing is that since there’s no control as to who becomes a Slayer and what type of person they’re going to be, not everyone is going to be suited, and some of them had a few reservations about your suitability. They’re just concerned, but I told them they have nothing to worry about and that you’re performing admirably.”
I frowned. I didn’t much like knowing there were people out there who were passing judgment on me without knowing me. I’d had enough of that in the orphanage with all the people turning me down because I wasn’t what they had expected from a child. I was glad that the council was in Europe so I didn’t have to meet them face to face. I liked the autonomy and was glad that we had a bit of freedom out here.
