by Lilly Wilder
I had been warned that Mrs. Thorpe wasn’t as nice as she seemed, although I hoped that was an error and she was just as friendly as the first time I’d met her. There was a look in her eyes that told me otherwise. She didn’t say anything to me. As soon as I reached her she turned around and strode away, expecting me to follow. I walked along in her wake, sullen and worried. The crowd that streamed in for the game parted before us and I had a feeling I would soon become infamous.
We went to her office, which was near reception.
“Close the door behind you and take a seat,” she said. Her desk was wide and a computer monitor was angled at the edge. The window looked out to the gardens and I saw a few people enjoying the aroma of the flowers; evidently not everyone was interested in basketball. I was too worried to look around Mrs. Thorpe’s office properly. She looked as prim and proper as ever. She clasped her hands together and placed them on the desk, leaning forward slightly.
“I assume you know why you’re here,” she said in clipped tones. I nodded numbly, not sure what to say in my defense. Julia was the darling of the faculty. I should never have let things get the better of me. I should have just left it.
“It was just a mistake. I didn’t know that her parents died.”
“That’s not really the point though is it Elsa? The simple fact is that students of this academy do not go around accosting people and demanding things from them. I know that Julia can be difficult sometimes, but if you lose your temper at the first sign of trouble you’ll never get very far in life. I told you there are expectations at this academy, high expectations, and so far you are failing to meet them.”
“I’m trying my best. I really am. I just…it seems so unfair the way she treats people and gets away with it. I wanted to talk to her so that things might change for the better. I thought maybe I could talk some sense into her, but I just happened to choose the wrong moment,” my voice trailed off at the end, growing weaker.
“Yes, you did. The way you acted was certainly not conducive to a rational discussion.”
“What’s going to happen now? Am I going to be punished?” I asked.
“I don’t think that’s necessary, this time, but you have to watch your behavior because we will not tolerate it anymore. This is between you and Julia, so you have to go to her and apologize. We’ll all be keeping a close eye on you, though, Elsa, and if you slip up again, this place clearly isn’t for you, which would be a great shame. Now, go and apologize to Julia.”
“Yes Mrs. Thorpe,” I said. I quickly pushed my chair back and left the office as quickly as possible, worried that the longer I stayed there the more likely it was that a worse punishment would befall me. I hurried through the empty hallways. The passionate sounds of the basketball game echoed out from the gym. I heard a raucous cheer and wished that I was a part of it, but I had to go and face the wounded animal. Julia was spiteful enough when everything was rosy in her world. I dreaded to think what she was like in her current state.
*
The dorm rooms were so quiet compared to earlier. It was as though I had stepped into a ghost town. My throat was dry and I felt light-headed. I reached her door. The foreboding sign warned me not to enter unless invited. There was an aura around the room, pushing over people away. I tentatively knocked, softly. For a moment I was afraid it was too soft and I didn’t know if I had the courage to knock again. The door opened. Tommy stood there. The room was dark, just like Adam’s had been. Even though Tommy answered the door it was Angelica who addressed me.
“What do you want? Haven’t you already done enough today? I hope Mrs. Thorpe has already spoken to you because it’s better that people like you don’t get to be here. You should just go.”
“I just want to apologize to Julia,” I said humbly, hating that I had to come to her like this. I peered through the darkness and tried to see where she was, but they all blended into the shadows and it was difficult to see past Tommy, who did his best to block the door.
“She doesn’t want your apology. She doesn’t want anything from you. Just go and leave us alone.”
I wasn’t about to be deterred by Angelica. I decided to just ignore her, say my piece, and then leave.
“Julia, I’m sorry for what happened. I know how you’re feeling. Like everything has been ripped away and you have nothing solid to stand on. I just want you to know that if you need anything I’m here to talk.”
Angelica snorted with derision and Tommy sneered at me. I waited for a response from Julia, but when none came I turned away. I had done what Mrs. Thorpe asked, although I knew the worst was to come. As soon as Julia recovered I was going to feel the full brunt of her wrath and she was going to torment me and hound me until I broke.
But just as I was about to leave their earshot I heard a small voice.
“Leave us alone,” Julia said. Her voice was rasping. I thought she was talking to me at first, but then Angelica turned and questioned her. “Elsa. I want to talk to you,” Julia said. Angelica protested emphatically, but Julia wasn’t having any of it. “GO!” she yelled, and her three companions scurried past me. Angelica shot me a look of hatred, although I could tell that she was confused as well. Frankly, I was too. I crept into the dark room and as I grew closer I could make out Julia’s shape sitting on the floor with her legs folded. The curtains were open just a crack, and a sliver of sunlight ran through the middle of the room, ending just before it reached her. I closed the door behind me and sat down on the floor with her.
For a long time we sat there in silence, not saying anything. Then, she opened her mouth.
“You lost your parents when you were very young didn’t you?” she asked.
“I did.”
“Did you grasp then what it all meant?”
“Not really. I was confused about how exactly it had happened. Part of me thought that they just needed to get better, but I remember feeling empty inside. As I got older I understood more of what it meant. I felt so alone. My connection to the world had been severed. My parents were the people who were supposed to help me understand the way the world worked and to guide me through life. They were supposed to teach me, but there was just a hole where they should have been. The thing I’ve always hated is that I was denied the chance to know them.”
“I never knew my parents. Not really. They sent me away to boarding school when I was younger, and then when they had the opportunity they sent me here. I always felt like I did something wrong and nobody told me what it was. Even when I was home for the holidays they treated me like a guest rather than their daughter, and I never understood why. Why would you have a child if you didn’t want to love and cherish her? Why not just put me up for adoption so that I could actually be a part of a loving home?”
“It’s not that easy to get adopted. You might have been like me and be raised by nuns.”
“It can’t have been that bad. At least the nuns cared for you.”
“Yes, they did, but it hurt every time parents came to the orphanage and they picked everyone apart from me. I grew older, and the older I got the more chance I knew that I wouldn’t be picked. At least your parents cared enough to give you a good education and a good grounding in life. It can be hard though, knowing that there are always things left unsaid. There are so many times I wish I could have one last conversation with them, even if it only lasted a few minutes, just to say goodbye to them or tell them that I love them.”
“I don’t know what I’d say to them if I ever saw them again. I’d probably just ask them why they treated me the way they did. I don’t know if I’d like the answer though. But now I’ll never get to understand them.”
“How did it happen, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“They were driving across a mountain range in Europe. The road was icy and dangerous. A truck came the other way and its tires lost grip. It swung around and knocked them into the side of the mountain.”
“My parents died in a car cras
h too,” I said solemnly. Silence lingered around us for a few moments.
“You know, I don’t hate you,” Julia said.
“You could have fooled me.” I could sense a kind of kinship growing between us. We shared something deep and solemn, something few people could understand. Back in the orphanage we had all shared the same thing and even if we hadn’t liked each other there was still a bond between us, as we had all lost something precious. In this room, in this moment, I felt as though I could ask Julia anything. “Why do you do it? Why do you try and antagonize so many people?”
My eyes had adjusted to the dim light to such an extent that I could see the change in expression on her face. She looked almost apologetic.
“The stupid thing is that I don’t really know. Do you ever think that sometimes we get these roles thrust upon us? When I started here I was just the same as anyone, and I hated it. I hated being a part of the crowd. I wanted to stand out, and there were a few people who annoyed me. I decided that I wasn’t going to stand for it. I wanted to get what I wanted and I wanted to stand up for myself, so I started to push back, and I suppose I decided I’d see how far I could take it. I charmed the faculty and made sure I took calculated risks. It was easy when I actually did it, and I found that I soon had the run of this place. I can do whatever I want and people listen, and I don’t have to put up with crap.”
“But what about when it goes wrong? What about when you push people too far? Like Suzie?”
At the mention of Suzie’s name I saw Julia visibly flinch.
“I did go too far then. It’s like a drug. You push and push, and you keep wanting to see how far you can go, and then something snaps. I hated that day. I feel bad for her. I was too hard on her and I wish I could go back and change things, but I can’t. But then everyone thought that Suzie got expelled because of me and that added to my aura I guess.”
“If she didn’t get expelled because of you, then why did she leave?”
“She was ill. They were thinking about taking her out of the academy anyway. There’s a lot that people don’t know. Like a lot of people think I have the run of this place but I don’t really. I got into major trouble for what happened with Suzie. I had all of them yelling at me, telling me how this wasn’t how members of the academy behaved, how I had to read the code of conduct again and make sure I learned it by heart. I suppose, really, that’s the only thing I have to thank my parents for; their donations to this place helped keep me here. But one of the reasons I’ve been here for so long is because they wiped my credits because of what I did to Suzie. They don’t let me get away with anything at all. I had to redo everything.”
“Why don’t you tell people this?”
Julia scoffed. “Because it would ruin my reputation. I don’t want to be like normal people. I don’t want everyone else to know I’m struggling. Why do you think I’m staying in here? The only reason I’m talking to you is because you’ve been through the same thing and it actually helps to have someone who understands. But don’t think this means we’re going to be friends. As soon as you walk out that door we go back to the way things were. To be honest I don’t even want to talk about it. I just want to be with someone who knows, you know?”
“I know,” I said. And I did know. One unspoken rule that arose in the orphanage was that you never pressed anyone about their childhood or their tragedy, if they didn’t want to speak about it. It was enough, knowing that something had happened in the past. Some people didn’t like revisiting the gritty details, and some would rather try to pretend and forget that anything had happened. I still didn’t like Julia even though I understood a little better why she acted the way she did. Part of it was simply because she was allowed, and while I hoped that this incident would adjust her behavior I didn’t hold out much hope.
I wasn’t sure what else to say, but at least I had apologized like Mrs. Thorpe had wanted. It was the first real conversation I’d had with Julia as well, and it was nice to have a momentary peace treaty.
“Does it ever get any easier?” she asked.
“Eventually, in time. There are good days and bad days. Some days the good ones are really good, and other times the bad ones are really bad. Sometimes you can go months without thinking about it and then it’ll hit you like a juggernaut and you’re right back at the moment where you found out. It’s like no time has passed at all. I think you just learn how to cope with it, how to move on.”
Julia nodded. I stayed there for a few moments longer in case she needed to talk about anything else, but she was as silent as Adam. I rose and left the room, knowing that as soon as I did we would go back to our old dynamic. I offered one last apology, but this time it wasn’t an apology for what I had done, it was an expression of sympathy at her plight. It had always seemed wrong to me that a child had to be without their parents.
Chapter Eleven
I left Julia’s room with mixed feelings. I didn’t think anything was going to change, even though I had a better insight into her behavior. At least I had gotten rid of the knot of anxiety that had twisted like a knife inside me. As I walked down the corridor, I passed Angelica and the two boys. She scowled at me and quickly returned to Julia’s room, probably eager to discover what we had discussed. She might have even been afraid that I was going to take her place, not that that would ever happen.
I turned a corner and was surprised to see Josh leaning against the wall. He pushed himself forward and flashed me that charming smile of his.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I thought I’d come and see how you got on. I figured Mrs. Thorpe would want you to apologize. She’s quite big on people making up for their mistakes, and I thought you might need to see a friendly face when you came out.”
“But the game?”
Josh shrugged. “It’s not the first game I’ve seen, and it won’t be the last. Besides, it wasn’t a close thing. The game was basically over in the first quarter. So how was it in there?”
I glanced over my shoulder to make sure that nobody else was in earshot and then nodded forward. We walked towards one of the secluded cloisters so we could have a bit of privacy. “It was strange really. I apologized. At first I didn’t think she was going to listen to me, but then she ordered the others out and she wanted to speak to me alone. It’s not easy to understand the pain. She just wanted someone who knew what she was going through to sit with her.”
“Is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship?”
“Oh no,” I shuddered, “not at all. She made it quite clear that nothing was going to change, nor would I expect it to. Give her a few days and she’ll be back to normal I’m sure.”
“Did she say if she was going to leave?”
“I don’t think so. This place is her home really. It’s quite sad; her parents basically shunned her and put her into boarding school and then this place. I don’t think she’s ever had a place apart from school that she can really call home. Her parents don’t sound like nice people.”
“No…I’ve always assumed that when I have a kid I’ll want to spend as much time with them as possible.”
“You want kids?”
“Yeah, I think so. It would be fun, I think, to teach someone and watch them grow and learn from their mistakes. If I get the chance that is,” he added, looking sheepish.
“I think that’s nice. I have to have a kid one day even though I’m not sure I really want one, at least I can’t imagine having one just yet,” I said carelessly. I didn’t even realize my slip up until he pointed it out.
“What do you mean you ‘have’ to have kids?”
My eyes widened in panic and my mind worked quickly to try and cover for my mistake. “I just meant because I’m the last of my family. I never had any brothers, or sisters, or cousins, so I feel like I have a responsibility to try and keep things going. I feel like I owe it to my parents since they never got the chance to have any more kids.”
“It’s like Adam says, the purpose of life is to spread more life. It’s not very romantic, but it probably has more than a grain of truth to it.”
“Yeah…I was talking to him the other day in class and to Troy as well. What happened with him? He said that he hurt someone in the past, and Troy said that he’s not as gentle as you might think.”
Josh seemed to be considering whether to tell me more or not. “I’m surprised that Adam told you that much to be honest. He doesn’t like talking about the past. Well, he doesn’t like talking much at all, really. I suppose there’s no harm in telling you. It’s not like it’s a secret, he just doesn’t like reliving it. I keep telling him that it was just a mistake and that people always make mistakes. He’s not the only one.” He inhaled sharply. “Basically there was someone he liked a few years ago. He was young, naïve, didn’t really know how these things worked. I think he assumed that because he felt such strong feelings for her that she would return them. It seemed natural to him, and sure, she liked him and was friendly with him, but she didn’t have the same type of feelings. Adam couldn’t understand this. He thought if he just tried to show her and proved to her the depth of his feelings that she would understand. He couldn’t seem to grasp that she knew exactly how he felt, she just didn’t feel the same way. But, he wanted her badly, and he tried to convince her, and he ended up scaring her away. She screamed and basically tore herself away from him, and he hates thinking that he could ever have driven anyone to be so scared of him. Adam is a very sensitive soul and he takes things personally. He’s never been able to get over that.”
“Oh,” I said. Somehow I had expected something more.
“He’ll get over it eventually, but for the time being he’s happy with his plants.”
“And what about you? Are you wise in the ways of romance?”
“Is anyone?” Josh answered We both laughed. “I don’t know…I guess I’d like company, but there are some things…I’m not sure I really know myself yet. I feel like I should understand myself before I get with another person. It just seems like it would get complicated otherwise.”
