by Ann Grech
A pelican waddled out onto the sand and spread its broad wings, flapping them and lifting into the air. Circling around ascending higher as it went, Connor realized that his life had returned to that state too. He was free to fly. He didn’t have to go into the bowels of hell chasing terrorists, ending the life of someone, who with a split-second judgement was deemed to be an enemy rather than an ally. There were so many regrets, so many nights of vomiting up his dinner, of wishing day break would arrive so he didn’t have to face the nightmares. But getting shot at and blown up was history for Connor, the horrors of war seemed faraway in his little patch of the world, even with the constant reminder from his PTSD. It killed him that his brothers and sisters in arms were still at it. He could never forget—he didn’t want to anyway—but he might be able to move on and start to live again. Was Miranda the person to do it with? He didn’t know, but he owed it to himself to see if a spark developed. And he deserved to be happy, didn’t he? She was clearly into him. If he could get out of his head long enough, maybe he’d realize he was attracted to her too. At least if he was really present on their next date, it wouldn’t be so damn awkward.
The early morning waves called to him, the perfect barrels beckoning. He stripped down to his boxer shorts and jogged down to the water. The surfers were already out—the waves pumping. The water hit his skin as he strode into the whitewash and he sucked in a breath. It was ice-cold. Damn. A wave began to peak and he dived under it. Rushing water surrounded him, cocooning him as he swam with powerful strokes. Still underwater, he opened his eyes, watching the wave curl into itself. Breaking through to its other side, Connor wiped the salt from his eyes and let the water swirl around him.
The issues he was working through—some small and others not so small—were washed away, momentarily lifting the weight from his shoulders. Another wave broke and Connor duck-dived under it. Breaking the surface again, he relaxed, floating in the bobbing swell. In the warm early morning sun, the blue waters sparkled around him. He slipped under another wave, once again watching it curl over him. It was mesmerizing seeing the blue water change into the surging white foam as the wave was sucked up into a peak until it crested, crashing against the shore. Breaking the surface, he shook the water off his face before running his hands through his wavy hair. His buzz cut was growing out, the prickle of the short strands no longer as sharp under his palms.
Body surfing until the rumble in his stomach was too annoying to ignore, he got out and trudged up the sand to grab his towel from his gym bag. Drying himself off, Connor watched the surfers riding the waves. Seeing nature’s power helped put everything into context for him. And it wasn’t just dating either. It was everything, his entire life plan. Levi’s birthday was coming up, and he’d been thinking about doing something for his oldest and closest friend that he’d never do himself. The problem was, it would push him into something he’d tried hard to avoid. He didn’t want to be a mechanic like his old man—too many memories circled around him when he spent a lot of time in the space. Doing his car was bad enough, but a second rebuild? He knew that fixing up the old Harley which had been languishing in pieces in Lee’s garage would be worth it. A plan began to form, and even though it wasn’t where he pictured himself going, it was good to start seeing the forest from the trees. He smiled. He could do this; he would do it.
“Good waves out there?” Connor spun at the girl’s husky voice. She was in a bikini carrying a longboard down towards the water.
“Yeah. Really clean but cold as a mother.”
She grinned at his comment and kept walking, waving as she went past and he pulled a spare set of clothes from his gym bag.
Connor stretched his legs out, propping his bare feet on the timber railing. His thongs lay discarded under the table of the beachside pub he sat in. They served a killer breakfast there. Waiting for the waitress to make her way over to him and take his order, he strummed his guitar, playing random notes in a slow melody.
“Hi,” the young waitress said, in a sweet melodic voice. Connor wondered why the owners had a child working there. “Can you really play that?” She pointed to his guitar.
“Yup, I can.” He grinned.
“Can you play something for me?”
“Sure. But can I put my order in first? I’m starving.” He jokingly clutched his belly, putting on a pained expression. She rolled her eyes, grinning, and looked at him expectantly, so Connor continued, “I just want the breakfast special with a black coffee and an OJ.”
“No worries. I’ll put it in now.” As she walked away, she tossed a shy smile over her shoulder. “So can you play me a song?”
“Will do. Who do you like, doll?”
“Taylor Swift.”
He thought about it for a moment and smiled. “‘Back to December’ it is.” One of her earlier songs, it wasn’t as big a hit as the others, but it had a beautiful melody, a great country vibe. Slow and sweet, the song told the story of regrets and doing things over, apologizing and growing up. Connor began strumming the opening chords and sung to the soulful tune. After carefully placing his coffee on the table, the waitress excitedly jumped up and down, letting out a quiet squeal.
“That’s one of my favourites. Thank you.”
Once he’d started playing, he didn’t want to stop, and no one had told him to shut up yet, so he figured it was a win. He kept going and by the end of the fifth song, the café was packed, and people were gathered around listening to him as much as enjoying their food. He totally got a kick out of performing for them.
A middle-aged lady dressed in kaftans with flowing grey hair approached him. “Hi, I’m Tracey. You met my youngest, Stella.” She pointed to her daughter waiting tables.
“Connor,” he replied, shaking her proffered hand. “Nice to meet you. Your daughter’s very sweet.”
“I like you, Connor. You play beautifully. Do you have an agent?”
“Huh?” he asked, shaking his head. “No, no agent. I don’t even play professionally. I’m just messing around.”
“I own the café here in the pub and a couple of others on the Goldie. I need some entertainment a few days a week for all three of them. If you’re interested—and if you can—I’d love for you to come and play there as a practice run.” Is she kidding? That path, the one he thought he’d seen, suddenly had a fork in it, one that he’d never dreamed of exploring. Music had always been his passion, had always been a fundamental part of him, but it’d never been something he thought he could do.
“I’d love to.” He beamed at the realization that he might not have to follow in his father’s steps and become a mechanic. “Yeah, I’m interested. Definitely.” They sat and spoke for half an hour, and she handed him a card.
“See you Thursday. I’m not promising anything permanent, but if you do well, then we’ll look at having you play at all three.”
“Thanks, Tracey. Can’t wait.”
Connor got on the road and headed straight home. He couldn’t wait to tell Levi and Katy. Excitement and adrenaline coursed through his veins. His head still buzzed and he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face even if he tried. He let himself in and jogged up the hallway, calling out, “Lee, Cupcake,” as he went. He spotted his friend slouched on the couch, and Connor’s grin left in a rush when Levi looked up at him. Sadness permeated the air between them.
“You haven’t lost it, mate. First date, I’m impressed.”
“It’s not what you think,” Connor replied. He didn’t want to admit he hadn’t sealed the deal with a girl who was so obviously wanting to, but he couldn’t lie either. That wasn’t him. Levi’s derisive snort and the way he stood and walked away from Connor had him on the defensive. What did it matter even if he’d slept with Miranda? They were both consenting adults. Sex was sex. It wasn’t a bad thing, something they should be ashamed of, even if they had slept together. Con’s news went by the wayside as Levi slammed his mug down in the sink. Connor wasn’t going there—Lee needed to cool off or they’d
end up duking it out. Connor spun on his heel and walked back the way he came, heading straight for the bedroom he was staying in.
“Hi,” Katy murmured from her doorway as he turned the knob to his room.
“Hi, Katy. I’m going to crash unless you need me urgently.”
“No, go and catch up on some sleep, Casanova.” The smile she flashed looked strained, something Connor could identify with after Levi’s outburst. He gave her a weak smile back and closed the door, but a knock soon followed.
“I’m in jocks, but you can come in.” He looked down at his boxer shorts making sure they weren’t threadbare as Katy opened the door a crack.
“I know I said I didn’t need you, but can we talk?”
“Sure, Cupcake, what’s up? Apart from the ice-cold reception happening in the lounge room.”
“He’s upset. Give him time to cool off, and he’ll be back to normal. He’s just a little tense.” She sat down on his bed and sighed, looking as defeated as her man in the other room.
Connor sat next to her and grasped her hand. It was small in his, soft and warm. He breathed in the scent of chocolate and vanilla that lingered around her—like it got under her skin at work and had become a part of her. “Katy, if this is about me staying here, it’s no big deal, I’ll just move out. I’m not gonna get offended if you guys need your space.”
“No, boo. It’s not you. You don’t need to move out.” Katy smiled at him, this one more genuine than the last.
“Are you guys okay? I’m worried about you.”
“We’re good. We’ve both been a little off. Things are changing for us, not in a bad way I don’t think, but he’s struggling a little with it.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“No, I’m okay. We’re still happy.”
“I’m always there for you guys. You know that, right?”
“I do. And don’t worry, he’ll come around when he’s ready. I’ll do the same one day.” She elbowed Connor affectionately. “But, I need your advice. Lee’s birthday’s coming up soon. I’ve organized a party for him, but I wanted to give him something really special too. He’s done so much for me, and I wanted to... I dunno, do something for him that he’ll never forget, but I have no idea what to get him.”
“I’ve been thinking about it too. I wanna do up the Harley he has in pieces in the garage. From what I could see, it looks like he has most of the bike in there. If you bought the rest of the parts, we could give it to him. He might not even notice the parts are gone if I can get some old boxes that we can stack up in their place. It could be a surprise, but it probably won’t be finished in time for his birthday.”
Katy’s eyes lit up, and she threw her arms around him. “You’d do that for him?”
“I’ll get help from Kevin at the shop.” Connor shrugged. He wouldn’t do the final assembly—he’d want Levi to do that with him—but he’d do what he could for his friend. “I’ve never worked on a bike before, but there’s a guy in there who’s a bike mechanic.”
“So if we worked on that—well, you work on it and I supply any parts you’re short—and I got him something else, do you think that’d be good?”
“I do. Whatcha gonna get?”
“What about... I dunno. I wanted something that he’s never experienced before. Everything I think of, he’s done for work.”
“Why don’t you do something just for the two of you to relax and, maybe reconnect? He’s pretty bloody stressed, and you’ve been working crazy hours too. Go stay in a swanky hotel and get an in-room massage. Eat room service and drink some sparkly.”
“Yeah.” Katy nodded slowly. He could see the cogs turning in her mind. “But he loves our bed more than anything. Maybe I should do something like that here. I could cook him dinner and instead of buying him a massage, I could get someone out to teach me how to do it, then I could give him a happy ending too.” She sighed. “Not like you can learn how to massage someone in fifteen minutes though. And what am I gonna do, give him a BJ when someone’s standing there? Nah, that idea sucks.”
He shook his head, smirking at the picture she’d painted. “You could be onto something though. Adelaide, a friend of mine from uni owns a mobile adult store. She’ll come to you and you choose what you want. It’s completely private.” Connor smiled ruefully, scrubbing his hands over his hair. He didn’t know whether to be jealous or whether to encourage it. The idea that someone else would help her choose a toy for them to use killed him, even if that person was a consummate professional. “Fuck, I can’t believe I just said out loud that you should go buy some sex toys for you and your live-in boyfriend, my best mate. He’d better not take that the wrong way.”
Katy grinned. “Nah, he’d be flattered that you wanna help him get off.” The words were barely out of her mouth when she blushed and snorted out a laugh. “Oh God.”
Heat flooded him, his dick hardening in his boxers. Hoping Katy didn’t see, he leaned forward a little more, hiding the tenting that was happening down there. Covering his inner turmoil up with a grin, he tried to laugh off Katy’s embarrassment. “You want me to get in contact with her? I don’t have her number but I could IM her.”
“Yeah. That sounds good. Thanks, boo,” she said shyly, leaning into him as she did, and squeezing his hand. “Love you.”
“Love you, too,” he murmured back as she left the room. And that was his problem. He’d been in love with this woman for so long that persuading his heart to move on wasn’t easy. That was why he’d left, why he couldn’t stick around and watch his best friend love the woman he wanted with every fibre of his being. It killed him knowing he’d never be the one for her, but at the same time, she and Levi were perfect together. He couldn’t begrudge them for finding their happiness. Now he needed to find his own.
Connor laid down, still above the covers, and adjusted himself. Thinking about Levi and Katy in bed together made him hard, but adding toys conjured up wicked visions that he didn’t even want to try to banish. And what was worse—it wasn’t Adelaide who he pictured helping them choose, but him. Him with them. Loving them. Between them. Them. And once the thought entered his head, he couldn’t rid it from his mind. I’m royally screwed.
Levi
Connor had picked up his car and somehow instead of taking it for a drive up to the mountains, Katy had managed to wrangle them into shopping for half the day. As much as Levi hated to have spent the afternoon trying on suits, it was a good thing she’d insisted on it. Connor lived in jeans, so showing up to the restaurant for his first date with Miranda wearing them probably wouldn’t have cut it. Especially in the restaurant they were in. One street back from the ocean in Main Beach, it was in yuppiesville—mansions and million-dollar apartments lined the streets, Lamborghinis and Ferraris were parked alongside. Levi’s own Toyota was comically out of place.
Inside, the high-end restaurant was intimate. Candles flickered in the dim lights, the starched-white table cloths contrasting against the gleaming silver cutlery and sparkling wine goblets. It was renowned for its modern Australian-Italian cuisine, and after eating, Levi knew why. The prawn risotto and veal ravioli were mouth-watering.
Dinner should have been fun. Miranda was cute and sweet, and with Katy and her sass, they usually kept things interesting. Add in Connor and himself, and they should have been talking and laughing the whole night. That was why Katy insisted that they do the double date thing. But at best, it was strained. At worst, it was downright uncomfortable. Katy was miserable the whole night, and that put him on edge too. He didn’t like seeing her upset and it grated on him to watch the attraction sparking between Miranda and Connor. From the moment they’d locked eyes, they’d gravitated towards one another until they’d eliminated the space between them. They hadn’t taken their hands off each other since. It wasn’t like they were making out at the table, but Levi could see from a mile away where the night was headed. He knew he should be happy for Connor—Miranda was perfect for him—but was he ready for a rela
tionship? And would Miranda be patient with him while he readjusted back to being a civilian? Got a job? He was still attending group sessions and counselling three or four times a week, and probably would do so for years. Would Miranda support him when she eventually found out that he wasn’t completely spared by the horrors he’d witnessed?
The restaurant had quietened down after a busy Saturday night, most of the guests having moved on.
“How has everything been tonight?” the waitress interrupted them.
“Great, thanks,” Katy supplied.
“Can I get you anything else? We can’t serve anything alcoholic after midnight so this will be your last chance to order drinks.”
Levi shook his head and saw everyone else at the table murmuring the same thing. Their dinner conversation may have been awkward, but he was still surprised so much time had passed since they’d arrived at the beginning of the night. He hadn’t realized their group and the four ladies apparently having a girls’ night out would close the restaurant.
Miranda toyed with her empty wine glass, something she’d been doing whenever she wasn’t all over Connor. Levi’s jaw clenched. Why did he feel the need to physically remove her hand from where it perched on Connor’s leg? Of course the tablecloth hid whatever the hell it was she was doing, and Levi was grateful for that. “Why don’t we go do something fun?” Miranda suggested. “We could go dancing or head back to my place for a movie. I’ve got a new rom-com on Blu-ray, and my flatmate bought some war movie too. Connor, you were in the army, you’d like it.”
He visibly shuddered and looked at Levi with what he could have sworn was dread in his eyes. Levi couldn’t watch a movie like that—hadn’t been able to since the day Connor enlisted. And Katy would walk out of a premiere if there was even a moment of violence in it. The vice grip Katy had on his hand told him everything he needed to know. “We might pass on the movie.”
