by C. A. Harms
She squared her shoulders and for a flicker of a moment I saw Catherine within her. They shared the same color of eyes, but then I realized that was all they shared. My Cat would and could never be this heartless.
“She asked for it, it was her fault.”
This woman managed to take all the anger I had felt for years, all the built-up frustrations I had for the things my own mother chose, and spun them around on herself. I fucking snapped, even further than I had before.
“You were fucking given the gift of motherhood, a gift you didn’t deserve. How could you be such a heartless bitch? How can you be so selfish? You deserve to be alone, you deserve to suffer.” Spittle flew from my mouth and in that moment I scared myself.
With one swing I put my fist through the closet door without a second thought, then someone gripped my shoulder from behind. I turned around in a hurry, fully intending to defend myself only to pause when I found Clayton and Xavier only a few feet behind the man who now lay crumbled on the floor.
My chest heaved as I fought against the rage inside of me. It was crippling, my chest tight with anxiety.
“Breathe, brother.” I wanted to tell him to fuck off, only I couldn’t. “It’s over.” I shook my head and he repeated himself. “It’s over.”
“All he wanted was for her to pay him the money she owed.”
I looked back at Cat’s mom and felt my anger threaten to take over once again.
“She always gives him her check only this week she didn’t. Then he found money she’d been stealing from him.”
“Stealing her own fucking money?” I laughed at the audacity of this woman. “You were the ones stealing.”
“Is this the money?” I saw Xavier bend down next to the man who was still moaning and pick up an envelope as he peeked inside.
“That is ours.” I fought the urge to shut her up. I’d never hit a woman and I never would but taping her mouth shut was beginning to appeal to me.
“No, you’re wrong, it’s hers.” I reached out to take the envelope from X and tucked it under the band of my jeans. Glaring at her mother, I dared her to protest.
I knew Cat’s life wasn’t sunshine and roses, but never had I ever imagined she lived like this.
***
“I think you need to talk to her.” I stood outside the frat house, forming one fist after another before slowly releasing them. I’d tried to calm down, but the more I tried the angrier I got.
There were so many emotions running through me all at once.
Anger for what she’d gone through and also for not being able to protect her. I knew she hid it from me but I should have known. How could I miss the signs? Marcus saw them, and I was with her more often than he was.
“She’s upset and I just think—”
I interrupted Clayton. “If I go in there now, I’m gonna say shit from the wrong place.” I could tell he was confused. “I’m fucking angry,” I shouted, “pissed that she kept this from me.”
“She needs to hear from you. Fuck man, the last thing she saw was you pulverizing her step dad.”
“Bastard deserved every hit.”
“I’m not denying it.” I could tell he was treading lightly but at this point I couldn’t trust myself in anyone’s presence. “But seeing you would be enough to soothe her.”
I got what he was saying, damn I wanted to see her too, but now? I wasn’t sure if I could.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Catherine
I sat in the window sill of Eli’s room staring down at the yard beneath. Tears stained my cheeks as I remembered what had taken place. Every little word spoken and every little action taken since the moment I left this very room this morning.
Had I stayed, things might have been different.
I knew I was lying to myself, because the only difference would have been it taking place on a different day. I couldn’t have stopped it, but I could have been honest with those around me, those friends I’d made. I could have been honest with Eli.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me this shit was going on?” I spun around to see Elijah standing in his open doorway, like he was worried about entering. “Not just that, but when I fucking asked you what was going on you lied. You said nothing.”
I was stunned with how angry he seemed. No, I take that back; I knew he was angry. I was surprised he was so very angry at me.
“I couldn’t say anything.”
“You could, you just chose not to.” I could sense how he was fighting to control himself.
He spun around, gripping the back of his neck, and I gave him a moment. I could sense he needed it to regroup. When he spun around again he looked less irritated than a few minutes before. He looked torn and confused, almost like he wasn’t sure what to do next.
“Did he touch you?” I knew he meant more than just the violence he had witnessed and my throat felt tight as I imagined the things that must have been running through his mind.
“No,” I said quickly. “It was never like that.”
“Ever?”
“No. He was angry often but it never became more than words. Not with him, but there was one time before when—”
He didn’t let me finish before taking a step further into the room. “What time before?”
I thought of talking my way out of this, making it out to be nothing. But then I thought of the fact that me hiding things from those who cared was what got me into this predicament in the first place. “The mark on my cheek.”
“You mean the one you said was from a door?”
I nodded.
His anger only seemed to grow.
Taking a step forward, I reached out for him and he quickly moved back out of my reach. I’d felt heartache before, that crippling moment when you feel as if everything was falling apart. Like each breath you took in burned. But watching a man who had been so physical with me pull away to keep me from touching him was devastating. I felt like my heart was literally split in half inside my chest.
One deep breath after another, he looked toward the floor, placing his hands on his sides. I watched as his shoulders tensed, his chest rising and falling with each breath.
I was just about to give it another attempt when he turned and left the room, leaving me standing there without a word. I stared at the open space thinking he would reappear, only he didn’t, and with each passing moment I could feel myself fall apart even more.
I slowly moved toward his bed and crawled atop the comforter, grabbing his pillow and pulling it in close to my nose, breathing him in. The wetness of my tears soaking into the fabric of his pillowcase felt cool against my cheek.
I must’ve fallen asleep because when I woke next it was completely dark outside. Immediately I looked over at the space next to me only to find it remained empty. Rolling over, I quietly scanned the room and saw it was empty as well.
I gathered myself the best I could and moved from the room toward the stairwell. I could hear voices downstairs but none of them were the voice I wanted to hear. “How you feeling?” I hung my head and don’t even need to turn around to see Clayton standing behind me, I already know it’s him. And though I appreciated his concern, it wasn’t coming from the one person I needed most.
“Do you know where he went?”
“He left a couple hours ago.”
This time I did turn around. “Left?”
The normal silly, don’t give a shit cutup guy I’d come to know as Clayton was no longer the same. He looked concerned, maybe even saddened by the events. “Yeah.” He offered a kind smile but I knew it was forced. “I think he just needed some time alone.”
Or time away from me.
I hung my head as my tears fell without being able to stop them. I felt Clayton wrap his arms around me and I did nothing to reject his comfort. I needed anything I could get to keep me from falling completely apart.
“This is hard for him.” I tried to understand, only him leaving solved nothing.
“Can I borrow your p
hone?”
“I’ve tried calling him already, Cat, he won’t answer.”
“I don’t want to call him,” I confessed. “I want to call Marcus.”
I pulled back from his embrace and looked up at him. “I don’t have anything with me, no phone, no car, he’s the only person I have.”
“You’re wrong,” Clayton cupped my jaw in his hand, “you have everyone in this house on your side, Cat. Even him, he just doesn’t know what to do with the things he’s feeling right now.”
I wanted to believe him; I just wasn’t sure my heart was capable of anything right then.
“I’ll take you.” I didn’t argue when he led me toward the stairs. When I was safely tucked into his car and we were on our way to Marcus’ apartment, I stared out the window to my side. I didn’t have anything to say. I appreciated everything Clayton was doing for me, yet again I was heartbroken over Eli and his absence.
***
I’d been in the shower so long the water had begun to cool. The hot water, so hot at first it felt as if it scalded me was now so cold I shivered. Yet I remained there, beneath the falling stream.
I’m not sure what I was trying to accomplish. At that point I think I just wanted to feel the ache it was beginning to cause. My teeth chattered and the muscles in my back and shoulders were tense from shivering.
A loud knock made me jump in reaction and I reached out to brace myself on the shower wall. “Catherine, are you okay?”
I turned the handle and shut off the water quickly. “I’m good.”
“That water has to be freezing,” Morgan added but I didn’t reply. “I put some clothes on the sink for you.”
“I see them,” I said as I toweled off, my teeth still chattering from the cold. “Thanks,” I added, not wanting to appear unappreciative of all the things both she and Marcus had done for me.
When I had arrived there Marcus was gone.
It was Morgan who welcomed me inside after thanking Clayton for bringing me. It was also Morgan who offered me a glass of wine, a change of clothes, and a shower. All that after she held my head on her shoulder while I cried it all out for a good ten minutes after she told Clayton goodbye.
I just felt so empty and lost inside my own head that I wasn’t sure what to do with all the things I was feeling.
When I exited the bathroom I found both Morgan and Marcus waiting in the kitchen, Chinese takeout waiting. “Hey there, Buttercup.” Hearing him say my nickname triggered yet another round of emotions, only I was able to hold them back.
“Smells great,” I said though I’m sure both of them could tell I was lying. At that point I didn’t think anything would appeal to me.
We ate while Marcus attempted to entertain us with stories of the most ditzy woman in the world. He worked with Sasha, the daughter of his boss. Apparently if you told her putting food coloring in her bottled water would help her complexion she’d rush to the store to stock up on both.
It felt good to smile and laugh, even though in the back of my mind that emptiness still lingered. And the pain in my chest still remained as I continued to picture the look on Eli’s face the moment before he left me standing alone in his room.
I fell asleep that night feeling more alone than I had since before I met Elijah.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Elijah
I looked up just as Marcus opened the front door. “If you’ve come just to upset her—”
“No,” I assured him, “I just need to sort some things out.”
“She cried herself to sleep, ya know.” He may as well have kicked me in the nuts; it would have been less painful. “She thinks you’re embarrassed by her. Thinks things are over between you.”
“Do you know how hard it is to know that she’d been going through those things and I couldn’t stop it?”
“You didn’t know.” He looked back over his shoulder before quickly turning his gaze back to me. He spoke much softer now. “She didn’t want us to know. We can’t stop something we aren’t aware of and you can’t protect someone if you don’t know they’re in danger.”
Nothing he’d said made me feel better. The fact of the matter was that I didn’t protect her. Nothing could make me feel better about that.
“I just wanna see her,” I told him, feeling raw and exhausted. I’d spent the last six hours at my aunt’s going over what had happened with both her and Uncle Miles. They both told me the same things then Aunt Meg gave me hell for leaving her.
“Please understand that she was ashamed and somehow in her mind she’d convinced herself that had anyone known, they would have felt she wasn’t good enough. She was wrong and I think she knows that now, but rehashing the wrongs we’ve all done won’t change that.”
I nodded as he stepped aside and allowed me to enter.
I stood back staring at the sleeping figure on the couch. My sweet girl was buried beneath the covers all the way up to her neck. Dark hair spilled out over the light color of the couch and a light snore filled the silence of the living room.
“Nothing I say is meant to make you feel bad,” Marcus said. “I just want you to know how lost she’s been all night. I could tell she’s been completely lost in her thoughts, her doubts.”
With a gentle squeeze of my shoulder Marcus left the living room and gave me the space I needed.
Moving in closer to where Cat lay, I sat down on the coffee table and leaned over, resting my elbows on my knees. In the glow from the kitchen I could clearly see her face and found myself focusing on every twitch, every sigh.
Seeing the cut on her bottom lip just brought back the pain and anger I felt when I first found that son of a bitch with his hands around her neck. A faint darkening of her eye did nothing to ease the tightening I felt in my chest.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, reaching out to run my finger along her cheek. She twitched and I paused, waiting for her to calm once more. “No one will ever hurt you again, including me.”
“You didn’t hurt me.” Her hoarse whisper surprised me when I saw that her eyes were still closed. “You scared me.”
“I never meant to, I just couldn’t stop myself once I started hitting him—”
“Not that.” She finally opened her eyes. “I’m talking about you leaving.”
I hung my head, feeling shameful for my actions. “It was hard for me to accept that you’d gone through the things you had. There were times you’d leave my house and go home to sleep in fear. I feel like somehow I failed you by not protecting you and keeping you away from that.”
“Had you known, I know you would have protected me, so that’s on me, not you.”
I slid off the table and kneeled on the floor next to her, gently brushing her hair back from her face. “You’ve had enough on you for far too long. Why don’t you let me take it now?”
The shimmering, glossy look in her eyes made my throat feel tight.
Leaning forward I pressed my forehead to hers and we both closed our eyes. I focused on her breathing, and I realized just how much it soothed me.
“I love you,” I said without hesitation. Suddenly I felt her body shake against my own. I knew in my heart it wasn’t because she was saddened by my confession, just the opposite actually. “I’m so in love with Blake.”
I said her first name, knowing it would show her my words were true.
“You’ve lived far too long without feeling safe, far too long being forced to hide. No more hiding, baby, you’re never going back to that life.” I didn’t care what it took, hell, if I had to leave the fraternity and get my own place so I could help her afford to live on her own I would.
“I’m moving in here,” she whispered, and I smiled, knowing that she’d be happy here. “Marcus added their name to a wait list for a three bedroom over a month ago.”
“I knew I liked that guy for a reason.”
I leaned in and kissed her eye softly before moving to her lip. Ever so gently I kissed both her lips too. I still felt nearly destroyed
with the knowledge that anyone had laid a hand on her. I wanted to fucking kill both her mother and stepfather for doing the things they had done.
“Do you really love me?”
I sat on the floor and moved the blanket down lower, exposing her neck and her shoulders, and began to trace over her collarbone with the tip of my finger. “I’m so fucking in love with you that the thought of anything happening to you is crippling. You own me, sweet girl, and I think you have since the moment I first saw you in Porter’s. All the time since you’ve just been digging your way in deeper.”
“I love you too.”
Feeling raw before had absolutely nothing on how I felt hearing those three words.
“Promise me something.” She nodded when I said those words. “Promise that no matter what it is, you’ll come to me? No more secrets.”
“Can I take you home with me?” I asked after a moment of silence and she shook her head, making my stomach tense in disappointment.
“I’m too tired to even think of moving right now.”
It was understandable; she’d been through so much, not just with her parents but me too.
“Got room up there?”
She laughed quietly. “For you?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re bigger than the average human, Eli, there’s no way the both of us are going to fit on this couch.” She looked from left to right, then back to me as if mentally measuring the space. “No way.”
“We can surely make it work,” I said as I scooped her up. “You’ll just have to be on top.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Catherine
“Are you sure he’ll even allow you to go?” I laughed when I caught Morgan rolling her eyes. “Because I think we’ve all noticed over the last week or two just how protective and territorial Red has been when it comes to you.”
She wasn’t lying; since my fallout he had been a hovering fool.
