by D. C. Renee
“Okay,” he said disappointed but perked up a second later. “You coming over tonight, right Kim?” The hope in his voice almost tore me apart.
“Yeah,” I said and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. I didn’t want to look at Brent, but I glanced over for just a moment and the look on his face spoke volumes; I just wasn’t one hundred percent sure what were in said volumes.
“Thanks for the notes,” I said to Brent. “I’ll copy these and give them back to you later.”
“No need, I made a copy for myself already.” He shrugged and smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“Oh, okay. Thanks then,” I said lamely because I didn’t have a better response. “Okay, now I really have to go.”
As I sprinted away, I didn’t care that I was going to be late for class. I didn’t care that I was still feeling a little stuffy. I didn’t care that I was going to have a bunch of stuff to make up for school. I only cared about two things at that moment – Travis and Brent. What the hell was I going to do?
chapter thirty-one
That evening, I was at Travis’ place. We had just come back from a quick bite to eat, and we were watching TV. I was tense, and I noticed the tension rolling off him as well. I tried to rub his shoulders to ease whatever was paining him, but it didn’t do much good. God, I hoped it wasn’t because of me. But I knew I was at least a major cause if not the entire reason for Travis’ odd mood. How much did he know about my feelings? About my guilt? About what wasn’t going on between Brent and me?
Maybe it was the shame I felt for wanting Brent. Maybe it was wanting to do something for Travis, who had done so much for me by just simply loving me, or maybe it was one last-ditch effort to see if I could not only rid my feelings for Brent but also figure out if Travis was the guy I was meant to be with … so I decided I was going to take matters into my own hands. I straddled Travis and kissed him hard. I wanted to feel close to him, let passion take over, let my mind focus solely on him, on us. I wanted it so badly that my kiss wasn’t just hard, but forceful. He wasn’t expecting it and my lips crashed against his teeth and his head bumped mine.
I couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out of me. This wasn’t working. I felt momentarily bad for Travis while he looked like a fish out of water, staring at me laughing like that was the funniest thing to ever happen to me. And come on, with the things I’d been through, this was nothing on the funny scale.
I think Travis finally understood the hilarity of the situation – that we just couldn’t get our act together – and maybe my laughter was contagious because Travis started laughing, too. I climbed off, and we kept laughing at the absurdity of the circumstances. Even when nothing was interrupting us, we were interrupting ourselves.
Finally, when we were heaving from the chuckles, Travis took my hand and I looked at him, really looked at him. He was breathtaking, and he was mine … only … I wasn’t his. This wasn’t fair to him, and I think the sad look in his eyes told him he knew.
“This shouldn’t be this hard,” I said after a while.
“Love isn’t always easy,” he responded, but I could hear the defeat in his voice. He hung his head for a moment before lifting it back up and looking into my eyes. “But, no, you’re right. It shouldn’t be this hard.” He paused and I didn’t speak because I didn’t know what to say. I think Travis understood where this conversation was heading even before I truly did. “Maybe the universe is telling us something,” he said.
“Trav-” I started, appreciating that he was taking the lead on this, but I didn’t want to put him through that. I thought, no, I knew, that he was doing this to spare me, to make it easier for me. He deserved me to man up and tell him what he’d obviously figured out – this wasn’t working.
“I love you, Kim, I do. And I know you love me. I can feel it even if you haven’t said it,” he cut me off. “But the difference is that I’ve fallen in love with you, and even though, like I said, I know you love me, you’re not in love with me. God help me, I wish it did, but your heart doesn’t lie with me.”
“I do love you,” I admitted for the first time out loud. “I love you so much,” I told him. He deserved to hear it. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. You’re one of my best friends,” I cried.
“That’s not a reason to stay together,” he responded. “And maybe that’s why things were so easy for us when we were together. Like maybe we were so close because we were friends and attracted to each other that it naturally progressed to this. Just somewhere along the way, I reached another step and you didn’t. It’s okay, though,” he added. “You won’t lose me, Kim, I promise. I won’t deny it won’t hurt being around you for a while, but I don’t want you out of my life.”
“I’m so sorry,” I told him.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he said. “That’s life. You can’t choose who you fall for. I just want you to be happy, Kim, even if that means it’s not with me … even if it means I need to watch you with someone else – a great guy who loves you as much as I do, who deserves your love.” Did he? Could he? He couldn’t possibly mean … no, he didn’t mean that … did he? Maybe he did. Maybe he read my thoughts or maybe he just meant it in general, but I had a feeling Travis knew exactly what he was saying. “Follow your heart, Kim. It won’t steer you wrong.”
“Oh God, I’m so sorry Trav,” I said as I pulled him into a hug. “I never meant for this to happen. I didn’t want to hurt you. I love you.”
“Well, duh,” he said as he held me tight. “How could you not love me?” His sad tone was peppered with the lightheartedness he was trying to portray. “I mean, one-hundred-eighty pounds of pure awesomeness.” He waved his hand up and down his torso as we pulled away. “Add in my rock hard abs, my killer smile, and the huge fucking package you sadly never got to experience, and seriously, Kim, I’m totally loveable.”
“You are.” I laughed and punched him lightly on the arm, completely grateful for his attempt at lightening the tension. He truly was awesome, and loveable, and a whole slew of other amazing things.
“You’re going to make the right girl extremely lucky one day,” I told him.
“Fuck yeah.” He chuckled. “Multiple orgasms, baby.” We both laughed.
“Damn. I can’t believe I didn’t get to sleep with you,” Travis mused after a moment.
“Seriously?” I asked, pretending to be appalled, but Travis just smirked.
“What? I’m still a guy, and you’re still hot. And hell, Kim, you’re the first girlfriend I had and I couldn’t do the deed,” he said as he wiggled his eyebrows and chuckled.
“Oh, you. I believe you just broke up with me. You know, that whole you just broke my heart thing, and you’re already joking.”
“Can’t break what was never mine,” he teased back, but his words held some truth. He had my heart as a friend, but not the love he deserved from a girlfriend. “Now, are we going to finish watching this movie or what?” he asked, breaking the moment of awkwardness.
“Yeah,” I responded, and we settled in to finish the movie. And it wasn’t awkward for the rest of the night.
When the movie was over, and I was heading out, I hugged Travis and told him I loved him.
“Word of advice, Kim,” he said as I was halfway out the door.
I turned back to face him. “What?” I asked.
“Don’t hide your feelings. I’ll never regret the time we had together, and I never would have gotten it in the first place if I’d kept what I felt for you inside. I’m happy I told you I loved you, and I’m happy I got those couple of months with you. I wouldn’t change them for the world. So … just … don’t keep your feelings too close to your own heart. Let them out. You deserve to be happy.”
I didn’t have a response. Not one word. No witty comeback or thoughtful remark. I just nodded because he deserved an acknowledgment. “Thank you, Trav,” I whispered and headed out.
If only I had a response fo
r myself. But as I walked home alone, I still had no words. Not out loud or in my head. But I hoped like hell I’d have some soon.
chapter thirty-two
“You look weird,” Lauren said the following morning when I woke up and walked into our kitchen.
“Travis and I broke up,” I told her.
“Woohoo,” she yelped. I gave her a pointed look in response. “Oh, sorry, I mean, poor Kim. Poor Travis. You both must be so heartbroken. Have no fear, though, because I have an idea for something that might just cheer you up.”
“I don’t even want to know,” I responded.
“Sure you do. I’ll give you a hint. It’s starts with a ‘B’ and ends with a ‘T.’’”
“Butt?” I asked just to be a smartass.
“Ha-ha, very funny. Although … hmm … now that I think about it. Brent did have a pretty nice butt.”
“Lauren, Travis and I just broke up last night. There are no thoughts of Brent right now.”
“Oh, yeah? So then why’d you guys break up?” she asked.
“Because you were right. Travis and I … we’re not meant to be together. But that doesn’t mean Brent and I are,” I added.
“Puh-lease. You know you are.” She rolled her eyes for effect.
“So, then what? I’m just supposed to go running to Brent and say what exactly? ‘Oh, hey, guess what? You’re best friend just broke up with me so how about we give it a go?’”
“Wait, what? Travis broke up with you?”
“Out of that entire sentence, that’s what you took away?” I asked.
“I thought you were going to break up with him for Brent,” she said as if that explained her train of thought.
“I was never going to break up with him for Brent. That’s horrible and tacky and just not cool. I was going to break up with him because I love him as a friend, not a boyfriend.”
“That still doesn’t explain how he broke up with you,” she pointed out.
“He realized what was happening between us, I guess. He saw that I didn’t care about him the same way he cared about me, and he manned up before I did. God,” I said as I put my head in my hands. “I feel so bad. I love him, I do. Just not like that. I just want him to be happy, you know?” I asked, but I wasn’t looking for a response from Lauren. “I feel like if he found someone who’d make him happier than I ever could that I’d feel less guilty.”
“Oh, Kim,” Lauren said as she came over and put her hand on my shoulder. “There’s nothing to feel guilty about. I know with one-hundred-percent certainty that if you guys stayed together, you’d make him ridiculously happy, but that’s just not fair to you or him. So you guys did the right thing. And now he will find someone who’s right for him.”
I lifted my head and nodded. “Yeah, well, until he does, I hope things won’t be awkward between us.”
“Uh … I hate to break the news to you, Kim, but you make everything awkward.”
I hit her with the closest couch pillow in response right before we both laughed.
“I love you,” I told her.
“Love you too. Now what are you going to do about your other love?”
“Nothing,” I said.
“But-” She was cut off by the door.
“Hey, Kim, it’s me,” Brent called from the other side.
“Speak of the devil,” Lauren practically sang. “If that isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. Now go get your boy.”
“He’s not my boy,” I hissed but went to open the door nonetheless. “Hey,” I said as I opened the door.
“Hey, Trav told me what happened and you weren’t answering your phone. I was worried about you, but you look … you look fine,” he mused.
“Oh, uh … thanks?” I said it more like a question than a statement. “Yeah, I mean, I don’t think it was a surprise to either of us,” I told him after he walked inside.
“Huh,” was his response.
“Some things just weren’t coming along the way they should have,” I told him, not wanting to go into great details about the sex gods really wanting me to not have sex. I know I kept saying that as if sex was the main factor. It wasn’t, but I did feel intimacy in a relationship was important, and if two people tried to get to that level of intimacy and constantly failed … well, then, that was a sign. For me, having feelings for Brent was also a sign. I wasn’t going to tell Brent that either.
“So you … you’re okay with this?” he asked sounding surprised.
“No, yes, both I guess,” I admitted. “I hate that I probably hurt Trav, and I’m sad because I’m afraid we’ll never be the same again, and I’d be really disappointed if I lost him as a friend, but we just weren’t right together like that.”
“But why?” Brent asked. “You guys seemed so good with each other. And I know how much Travis cared about you. I figured it was mutual.”
“Kim’s meant to be with someone else,” Lauren called out from her room. She’d snuck in there after I answered the door, but apparently it wasn’t to give us some privacy. “Hey Brent,” she added after she joined us.
“Hey Lauren,” he answered, but his face was twisted in confusion, probably at her first remark. I gave her a pointed stare for her outburst. She wasn’t going to play matchmaker with me.
She completely disregarded my look. “Kim is meant to be with someone who makes her have googly eyes, who takes up all her thoughts, who makes her breath hitch, who looks at her like she’s everything he ever wanted but can’t have.”
“Reading too many novels?” I asked because she was starting to sound like one.
“Oh, hush. You know I’m right. Travis was great, I’m sure, but he wasn’t who you need or want.” She emphasized “who” while looking directly at Brent. “Of course, I’ve shockingly never met Travis, so maybe he did look at you like you were the sun and the moon and all the stars in between, but from this point of view, he just wasn’t doing it for you … at least not the way someone else-”
“Yeah, yeah, got the point.” I cut her off before she could say anything else way too obvious about Brent. “No need to bash my feelings for Travis. I love him, just not romantically. We all got that.”
“Good, so don’t sulk. It doesn’t become you,” she said as if she was some fashion diva checking me out. Brent had stayed silent during the entire exchange. I braved a look at him at one point, and he had a thoughtful expression on his face, but I couldn’t figure out exactly what it meant. “You,” she said as she pointed at Brent. “Take my girl out and show her a good day so she stops feeling guilty.”
“But …” I started to protest.
“Okay,” Brent replied, cutting off any more words I would have said.
“Okay?” I asked taken by surprise at his eagerness to spend the day with me.
“Yeah, you’re my friend, and I want to make sure you’re not spending the day crying your eyes out or whatever else you girls do after a breakup.”
“Shouldn’t you be worried about Travis?” I asked.
“Yeah, but he’ll be fine. And guys don’t really get together and bitch about their lives. He’ll probably just spend the day at the gym taking his feelings out on his sparring buddy.”
“Uh … yeah, that sounds productive,” I responded because it actually kind of did. Brent chuckled in response.
“I definitely need to make a trip to the gym and find me some hottie like you did,” Lauren mumbled from the side. I knew she was referring to Brent, and although that wasn’t where I met him, she credits the gym as to why we were friends, and in her words, “hopefully more.”
“Give me a few minutes to get ready,” I told Brent.
“Sure,” he said.
I grabbed Lauren by the arm and dragged her into my room. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” I asked her.
“Giving you a little push,” she said innocently while batting her eyelashes.
“More like a giant-ass shove,” I retorted.
“You can thank me later. After
you guys get down and dirty.”
“There will be no down and dirty,” I hissed.
“Suuuure.” Lauren stretched the word out.
“Ugh, whatever,” I said as I went to change and run a comb through my hair.
“Ready?” Brent asked as I walked out.
No. “Yep.” It was one thing to hang out with Brent as a friend before Travis and I got together, but it would be something completely different after. I just really hoped that different didn’t mean weird.
chapter thirty-three
“How did I not know this place existed?” I asked Brent after we walked into the building he’d drove us to. It was trampoline heaven. I’m talking trampoline floors, trampoline walls, trampoline pits, and bouncy balls to throw while jumping around on all the freaking trampolines. It was a kid’s dream, and apparently, I was a kid because I was on cloud nine.
“Because not everyone can be as awesome as I am,” Brent said with a wink.
“Yeah, wait until I kick your ass at trampolining,” I retorted.
“Trampolining?” Brent chuckled. “That’s not a word, Kim.”
“It is now. And not only is it a word, it’s a sport. And I’m so getting the gold medal.”
“Yeah, gold medal. You do that,” he said while smirking.
“Don’t be jealous.”
“Uh … yeah … not quite the emotion I’m feeling right now. Pity maybe. Embarrassment for you?”
“Whatever,” I grumbled and punched him playfully in the arm.
“If that’s what you got, I’m getting the gold medal.” He laughed. I couldn’t help but laugh, too. “So you’re really okay?” Brent asked after we paid for our time and bought some socks so we could jump around.
“Yeah, I really am. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad about the whole thing, but I think we’re better as friends. My heart just wasn’t in it the way it should have been.” Brent nodded in response like he understood, but I’m not sure he did. After all, I had hurt his best friend, and here he was hanging out with me. I didn’t want to dwell on that thought anymore, so I spoke up in my best cheery voice. “Now, come on. Let’s go jump,” I said as I tapped his arm and then sped off to jump on the closest trampoline mat.
