I couldn't concentrate on the movie either. My mind just kept returning to what I’d read in Lori’s diary, the conversation between Mom and me and then what my stepdad had said. When we stopped at a local diner for sandwiches, I could barely eat.
"What's the matter?" Kevin asked as I stared at my turkey club sandwich. “You still haven’t forgiven me, right? I didn’t take you for the kind of girl that held a grudge.”
“Kevin, it isn’t always about you.”
He snatched my hand and kissed my fingertips. “Sweetheart, I’m always the star of my own movie. And I want you to be my co-star.”
“I’m not angry at you, Kevin. I’ve got something on my mind that has nothing to do with you.”
“Like what?” He rubbed his cheek against my hand in a gesture of comfort.
How could I tell him? I groped for appropriate words. "I don't think I want to go to the Halloween dance after all. You were right, dressing up in costumes is dumb. It’s for little kids."
He smiled at me. "I wouldn't go that far. Anyway, if the costume is stumping you, don't worry. Caron found a great costume rental house in the city. She put in an order for herself and I'll just put in another for you and me."
"I can't let you do that."
He took my right hand and kissed the palm then smiled reassuringly. "Hey, no problem. I want to do it. Don’t sweat the costume issue. Relax, we'll have fun."
I nodded, unwilling to argue. I was feeling too drained.
We didn't drive directly home. Kevin parked at the beach.
He put his arm around me and held me close; I clung to him. At that moment, he seemed like the only genuine person in my life. He was my lifeline.
"Have you been thinking about what we discussed?"
For a moment, I drew a blank. I shook my head.
“You’re not ready to think about us getting serious?”
“I’ve been preoccupied with family matters. No, I haven't thought about anything like that.” It was the last thing on my mind at the moment. "Maybe we could talk about it some other time?"
"Sure," he said. "I don't want to talk anyway." He leaned over and kissed me. I wanted to respond, but I felt so emotionally drained that I just held on to him. Of course, I sensed he wanted much more from me. As the intensity of his kisses increased, I pushed away from him.
“Don't be frightened," he said.
He wasn’t frightening me. Yet, I couldn't catch my breath. My voice came out in a dry whisper. "Kevin, I can't do what you want, at least not now. I'm not ready for it. Actually, I don't think I want that kind of relationship until I get married."
He looked at me in surprise. "You're talking trash. That's so dumb! You know how silly that sounds?" Color rose in his cheeks.
"Well, maybe I haven't grown up yet. Maybe I don't even want to." I got out of the car and slammed the door.
He came out of his side of the car in a flash. He took my arm almost immediately and pulled me toward him.
"Hey, it's all right, Dani. I'm sorry. I guess I was pushing you too hard. I do have a quick temper. Have to learn to keep a lid on. Let me take you home. It's okay. I understand. In fact, that was just the kind of answer I expected from you."
"You did?" I blinked.
He gave me his old charming smile again. "Sure. You know how I feel about you. Nothing's changed. I respect you. You're still my angel." He kissed me gently on the cheek and took my hand, guiding me back to his car.
"I'll take you home, sweetheart." We didn't talk anymore. He walked me to my door and kissed me on the lips, just a quick peck.
I don't think I ever felt so alone or lost in my entire life. Why hadn't I told him about Lori? I'd wanted to tell him; but the words hadn't come. I thought about her having a baby when she was not much older than me, trying to cope, and falling apart. I never wanted to be in her situation. Never! The great thing about being a teenager is that you have infinite options and possibilities — at least, you think you do. I wanted the chance to make my own choices and decisions, not close myself to opportunity the way Lori had. She destroyed for herself the best part of being a teenager.
It took me hours of tossing and turning before I fell asleep that night. When I awoke the next morning, my mother was already at church and my stepdad was buried in his newspaper. So I grabbed my sketchpad and headed for the beach. I went to my favorite spot up on the hill where I could be alone. My life seemed to be in total chaos. I couldn't speak to my parents, and as for Kevin, he might have said nothing had changed, but I sensed that was not the case. He wanted us to have sex. Would I lose him if I didn’t? But it wasn’t what I wanted. Not now. Not yet. Didn’t that matter? What a mess! I couldn't even do a decent sketch. I was just too upset. No way could I concentrate.
I don't know how long he stood there before I sensed his presence.
"You usually do a lot better stuff," he said in that easy, unaffected voice of his. I looked up and saw the sunlight arabesquing through his golden mane of hair.
"I'm in a rotten mood," I told him bluntly.
"Having trouble with schoolwork?"
"Among other things. I’m not as smart as you are." I closed my sketchpad and put my pencils in my pocket.
"Want to take a walk? I’m a good listener."
I shook my head. "It won't help. I think I'd rather work on geometry — only not at my house if you don't mind. Could we go to the library?"
"Sure, whatever you like. Mind if I stop at home before we go to the library?" he asked. "I want to check on one of my brothers and see if he'd like to come along."
I agreed and Gar drove to his house first. He lived in a large, white colonial, solidly constructed and well cared for.
"Come on in," Gar said. "No point you waiting out here in the car."
So I followed his long-legged stride into the front hall.
"Paul!" Gar called. From another room, a young boy, no more than eleven, came toward us. He walked with a severe limp, his hands held in an awkward posture. His hair, like Gar's, was spun gold, but there the resemblance ended. The boy wore thick glasses and seemed painfully thin.
"Paul, I want you to meet Danna." The boy stared at me and smiled.
"She's pretty, Gar. Is she your girlfriend?"
"No, Paul, Danna's just a friend. We're going to the library.
Why don't you come with us?"
Paul was adamant in his refusal. Gar finally gave up and we left.
"Paul was born with cerebral palsy," Gar explained as we headed back to the car. "His brain functions fine. But he will never be able to play football or even walk normally."
"I'm sorry," I said and meant it.
"I want to help him as much as I can, but it's hard. He doesn't want to go to the library, for instance, because he thinks other kids will stare at him or make comments. And he's probably right. Still I think he's got to learn to handle it and live as normal a life as possible."
"Paul is lucky to have you for a brother," I said, meaning that as well.
Gar shook his head. "Paul isn't that lucky. Our mother left him when he was an infant."
"You mean she left because he was born with a birth defect?"
Gar put the car into gear and started the engine. "She took off because she said she couldn't stand it. She dumped it all on Dad. Started a new life in California. But that's the way she is." He drove off toward the Civic Center. "Just giving birth to a kid doesn't make a woman a mother."
I didn’t respond, but couldn’t help considering his comment in the context of my own situation. We didn't discuss anything else personal at the library. It was strictly a tutoring session, and a very good one at that. Afterward, Gar suggested that we stop for burgers.
"Shouldn't you be spending your time with Caron?"
He shrugged. "I spend enough time with her, too much."
"You think you're God's gift to women, don't you?"
"I never said that!" His eyes flashed like blue lightning.
"Kevin told me that Caron
is wild about you, that she phones you all the time but you don't call her."
His face began to redden. "Just wait a minute here! Caron calls because she wants to. I don't think she'd be interested in me if I chased her the way some guys do. She loves the challenge, the chase."
"But you like her chasing you, don't you?"
"I don't care really." His voice was indifferent.
"See what I mean? You look down your nose at girls. You think you're so superior. You don’t really like girls very much, do you?"
"That's not true. I just know what the female of the species is really like. Guys can't trust them. If you let yourself care about them too much, you get hurt, because they walk away."
"Like your mother did?" Our eyes met.
"That's right. Just like that."
"So, it's all a pose with you, just so you won't be hurt. Have you ever let a girl get close to you?"
"I don't date much, never have. I'm too busy with schoolwork and sports. I don't have the time."
"That's just an excuse," I told him. "All girls aren't like your mother, but you're going to have to give us a chance or you'll never find out."
"Maybe I should give you a chance," he said. He moved toward me and kissed me gently on the lips. It probably didn’t mean much to him, but I felt that kiss right down to my curling toes.
Suddenly Gar pulled away and quickly started the car. "Sorry," he said formally, "guess I shouldn't have done that. I know you're going with Moore. Just forget it, okay?"
“Right, sure.” Easier said than done.
We drove along in silence for a time, each imprisoned in our own thoughts.
“I just found out that I was adopted,” I blurted out finally. I needed to talk to someone and Gar was available.
He glanced over at me. “You upset?”
“Yeah.” I dug my fingernails into the upholstered seat. “The woman I always thought was my mother is really my aunt. She never wanted me to know the truth.”
“She must have had a good reason not to tell you. What happened to your real mother?”
I lowered my gaze. “She killed herself.” Strange how I felt I could confide in Gar Hansen but not in Kevin who I’d come to know so much better.
Gar pulled over to side of the road, hit the brakes and shut off the ignition. “Wow, that’s harsh. I’m really sorry. I know me saying it doesn’t help much, but I am.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Your adopted parents are good people. And they really love you.”
“How can you tell?”
Gar shrugged. “You could say I’ve got an instinct when it comes to people.” He gave me a hesitant smile. “If I were to tell you something kind of weird, would you promise not to mock on me?”
“Cross my heart,” I said. What could Gar possibly tell me that would be weird? He was so normal, so perfect, not like me.
Gar eyed me with a steady gaze. “Before I was born, my dad used to travel a lot for his job. He was in Rome when the Pope received Father Bart.”
“The priest who everyone says is a saint?”
“Yeah, that guy. Anyway, the priest was walking through a crowd of people who were asking for his blessing, and he was blessing them. Dad was just a bystander. All of a sudden, my dad saw some guy pull out a gun and start to aim it at Father Bart. Dad was closer to the priest than the killer, so he pushed through the crowd shouting a warning and knocked Father Bart to the ground just before the bullets went whizzing by.”
I knew my mouth was gaping and shut it. “Did they catch the assassin?”
“The police took him into custody, some crazed lunatic. Father Bart was really grateful to Dad. He blessed my father, said he would have a son who was an angel. That’s why dad sometimes refers to me as his angel. Crazy stuff, huh?”
I studied Gar. “You do look like an angel. But they say no human being can be perfect. Still, I bet you come pretty close. But I would like to see you improve your attitude toward girls.”
He smiled at me. “I’ll give it some thought.”
“You do that.”
”Why don’t we just consider ourselves both works in progress, okay?” He leaned toward me, I moved toward him as well and our lips met.
I felt so great, transfused with a sense of joy.
Chapter Twelve
After talking with Gar and exchanging confidences, I really did feel better, more focused and together. I realized being friends with him was good for me. Still, if I was going to be honest with myself, I felt more than friendship for Gar Hansen. I was seriously attracted to him. Of course, I was attracted to Kevin too. It was confusing. Gar might be my angel, but Kevin thought I was his angel. It would have been great if I could have talked about all of this with Joyce. I really missed her friendship a lot. But I couldn’t bring myself to phone her.
Back at home, I knew I had to face my parents. The moment had come. I couldn't put it off any longer. My parents were sitting together in the kitchen. I took a chair and sat down opposite my mother. "Mom, I want to apologize for the way I acted. I guess it was sort of childish. It's just really hard to adjust to something like finding out you’re not who you think you are. I didn't want to accept it and because I had to, I got angry and took it out on you. I was wrong and unfair."
Mom looked relieved, as if a great burden had been lifted from her shoulders. "Maybe we should have told you before, but it's been too painful a subject for me," my mother said in a soft voice. "I just wanted to forget about the past."
My stepfather didn't say a word. He just wheeled himself out of the room.
"He's still angry with me, isn’t he? I guess I kind of always thought he disliked me because I wasn’t worthy, didn’t come up to his high standards. Well, now I understand better why he doesn't love me."
My mother touched my shoulders. "You don't understand him at all. He's a proud man, and you hurt him. He does love you very much. He wanted to adopt you every bit as much as I did. When he came back after the accident, there was no question of our ever being able to have children of our own. And there you were. Of course, we wanted you. Remember, your dad knew Lori too. That was why he vowed you'd be brought up so you'd never be in her predicament. 'She's got to avoid romantic nonsense,' he'd say. 'We'll have to see to it.'"
"Lori didn't die because she believed in love.” I shook my head with vehemence. “It was because she lost her love, and that's like losing your dreams, your hope. Dad might think I'm like Lori, but I'm not."
"Just the same, I wish you'd talk to him, apologize. He needs your love just as you need his."
"You don't ask much of me, do you?"
"He's a sick man. He never complains about his health but he’s always in pain. I know he might seem angry and bitter at times, but he’s suffered a great deal. Make your peace with him. In his own way, he loves you very much. You won’t regret it, I promise you."
"I'll try."
I went up to the attic to try and think. I felt restless. I started going through the drawers of the old bureau in the attic finding old clothes that I hadn't noticed before. So Mom obviously hadn’t given away everything. I took my time, no longer worried or afraid about irritating my parents. And then I saw it. The fringed leather vest had been put away in a plastic bag, and along with it was a headband that said: "Love not war." Had that also belonged to Lori? Probably. In another drawer, I found my stepdad's old army uniform. I took out the shirt and looked at it. I carried these things reverently downstairs with me and put them away in my room. I would have my own Halloween costume after all, one that meant something to me.
****
I didn't hear from Kevin all week. He didn't come by the art room to pick me up on Friday the way he usually did. I thought he was probably angry with me or at least disappointed. I could understand his point of view. Maybe he’d decided to dump me. Well, actions always had consequences, didn’t they? I’d be sorry losing Kevin, but I couldn’t fault my decision not to have sex with him when I wasn’t ready for it. I decided I was right no
t to let him pressure me into doing something I might later come to regret.
On Saturday, he finally called. "I can't take you out tonight," he said. "I feel as though I'm coming down with a cold and I don't want to pass it on to you."
I said I understood.
"Oh, I'm going to put in our costume order. What would you like to be? Caron suggested Snow White for you. I prefer Cinderella. I think you’d look cute in a blond wig. What do you think?"
"Neither. I figured out a costume for myself."
"What's it going to be?"
"A surprise."
"Now you’ve got me curious. Well, I'll call you during the week if I don't see you in school." He seemed anxious to get off the phone.
"Sure, just take care of that cold," I replied. I had the distinct impression he wasn't being honest with me, but it was just as well that we weren't going out. I wasn't in the mood for a date anyway.
****
On Sunday afternoon, Gar showed up again for tutoring. Afterwards, my parents spent some time chatting with him. They really did enjoy his company. My mother insisted that he stay to dinner, which embarrassed me. She was transparent. But Gar accepted without any hesitation. My mother went all out, even setting the table with her best tablecloth and linen napkins. She baked chicken and fixed mashed potatoes and peas. Gar complimented everything.
As far as my stepdad was concerned, Gar was the perfect dinner guest. My stepfather really warmed up to him. My parents both seemed in a good mood. I wasn't certain how I felt. I decided to reserve judgment.
I walked Gar to his car after dinner.
He took my hand and studied it. "You do have artistic fingers," he said, "very long and graceful. The fact is I like all of you a lot." Then without warning, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me smack on the lips. He had a great expressive mouth.
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