It was very droll to hear Dr. May laughing at Dr. Spencer's histories of his adventures, and at the new aspects in which his own well- trodden district appeared to travelled eyes; and not less amusing was Dr. Spencer's resolute defence of all the nine muses, generally and individually.
He certainly had no reason to think ill of them. As one woman, they were led by him, and conformed their opinions. The only seceder was Louisa Anderson, who had her brother for her oracle; and, indeed, the more youthful race, to whom Harvey was the glass of fashion, uttered disrespectful opinions as to the doctor's age, and would not accede to his being, as Mrs. Ledwich declared, "much younger than Dr. May."
Harvey Anderson had first attempted patronage, then argument, with Dr. Spencer, but found him equally impervious to both. "Very clever, but an old world man," said Harvey. "He has made up his bundle of prejudices."
"Clever sort of lad!" said Dr. Spencer, "a cool hand, but very shallow--"
Ethel wondered to hear thus lightly disposed of, the powers of argument that had been thought fairly able to compete with Norman, and which had taxed him so severely. She did not know how differently abstract questions appear to a mature mind, confirmed in principle by practice; and to one young, struggling in self- formation, and more used to theories than to realities.
CHAPTER XII.
The heart may ache, but may not burst; Heaven will not leave thee, nor forsake. Christian Year.
Hector and Tom finished their holidays by a morning's shooting at the Grange, Dr. May promising to meet them, and let them drive him home.
Meta was out when he arrived; and, repairing to the library, he found Mr. Rivers sitting by a fire, though it was early in September, with the newspaper before him, but not reading. He looked depressed, and seemed much disappointed at having heard that George and Flora had accepted some further invitations in Scotland, and did not intend to return for another month. Dr. May spoke cheerfully of the hospitality and kindness they had met, but failed to enliven him, and, as if trying to assign some cause for his vexation, he lamented over fogs and frosts, and began to dread an October in Scotland for Flora, almost as if it were the Arctic regions.
He grew somewhat more animated in praising Flora, and speaking of the great satisfaction he had in seeing his son married to so admirable a person. He only wished it could be the same with his daughter.
"You are a very unselfish father," said Dr. May. "I cannot imagine you without your little fairy."
"It would be hard to part," said Mr. Rivers, sighing; "yet I should be relieved to see her in good hands, so pretty and engaging as she is, and something of an heiress. With our dear Flora, she is secure of a happy home when I am gone, but still I should be glad to have seen--" and he broke off thoughtfully.
"She is so sensible, that we shall see her make a good choice," said Dr. May, smiling; "that is, if she choose at all, for I do not know who is worthy of her."
"I am quite indifferent as to fortune," continued Mr. Rivers. "She will have enough of her own."
"Enough not to be dependent, which is the point," said Dr. May, "though I should have few fears for her any way."
"It would be a comfort," harped on Mr. Rivers, dwelling on the subject, as if he wanted to say something, "if she were only safe with a man who knew how to value her and make her happy. Such a young man as your Norman, now--I have often thought--"
Dr. May would not seem to hear, but he could not prevent himself from blushing as crimson as if he had been the very Norman, as he answered, going on with his own speech, as if Mr. Rivers's had been unmade, "She is the brightest little creature under the sun, and the sparkle is down so deep within, that however it may turn out, I should never fear for her happiness."
"Flora is my great reliance," proceeded Mr. Rivers. "Her aunt, Lady Leonora, is very kind, but somehow she does not seem to suit with Meta."
"Oh, ho," thought the doctor, "have you made that discovery, my good friend?"
The voices of the two boys were heard in the hall, explaining their achievements to Meta, and Dr. May took his departure, Hector driving him, and embarking in a long discourse on his own affairs as if he had quite forgotten that the doctor was not his father, and going on emphatically, in spite of the absence of mind now and then betrayed by his auditor, who, at Dr. Spencer's door, exclaimed, "Stop, Hector, let me out here--thank you;" and presently brought out his friend into the garden, and sat down on the grass, talking low and earnestly over the disease with which Mr. Rivers had been so long affected; for though Dr. May could not perceive any positively unfavourable symptom, he had been rendered vaguely uneasy by the unusual heaviness and depression of manner. So long did they sit conversing, that Blanche was sent out, primed with an impertinent message, that two such old doctors ought to be ashamed of themselves for sitting so late in the dew.
Dr. Spencer was dragged in to drink tea, and the meal had just been merrily concluded, when the door bell rang, and a message was brought in. "The carriage from the Grange, sir; Miss Rivers would be much obliged if you would come directly."
"There!" said Dr. May, looking at Dr. Spencer, as if to say, I told you so, in the first triumph of professional sagacity; but the next moment exclaiming, "Poor little Meta!" he hurried away.
A gloom fell on those who remained, for, besides their sympathy for Meta, and their liking for her kind old father, there was that one unacknowledged heartache, which, though in general bravely combated, lay in wait always ready to prey on them. Hector stole round to sit by Margaret, and Dr. Spencer muttered, "This will never do," and sent Tom to fetch some papers lying on his table, whence he read them some curious accounts that he had just received from his missionary friends in India.
They were interested, but in a listening mood, that caused a universal start when the bell again sounded. This time, James reported that the servant from the Grange said his master was very ill--he had brought a letter to post for Mr. George Rivers, and here was a note for Miss Ethel. It was the only note Ethel had ever received from her father, and contained these few words:
"DEAR E.--,
"I believe this attack will be the last. Come to Meta, and bring my things.
R. M."
Ethel put her hands to her forehead. It was as if she had been again plunged into the stunned dream of misery of four years ago, and her sensation was of equal bewilderment and uselessness; but it was but for a moment--the next she was in a state of over-bustle and eagerness. She wanted to fly about and hasten to help Meta, and could hardly obey the word and gesture by which Margaret summoned her to her side.
"Dear Ethel, you must calm yourself, or you will not be of use."
"I? I can't be of any use! Oh, if you could go! If Flora were but here! But I must go, Margaret."
"I will put up your father's things," said Dr. Spencer, in a soothing tone. "The carriage cannot be ready in a moment, so that there will be full time."
Mary and Miss Bracy prepared Ethel's own goods, which she would otherwise have forgotten; and Margaret, meanwhile, detained her by her side, trying to calm and encourage her with gentle words of counsel, that might hinder her from giving way to the flurry of emotion that had seized her, and prevent her from thinking herself certain to be useless.
Adams was to drive her thither in the gig, and it presently came to the door. Dr. Spencer wrapped her up well in cloaks and shawls, and spoke words of kindly cheer in her ear as she set off. The fresh night air blew pleasantly on her, the stars glimmered in full glory overhead, and now and then her eye was caught by the rocket-like track of a shooting-star. Orion was rising slowly far in the east, and bringing to her mind the sailor-boy under the southern sky; if, indeed, he were not where sun and stars no more are the light. It was strange that the thought came more as soothing than as acute pain; she could bear to think of him thus in her present frame, as long as she had not to talk of him. Under those solemn stars, the life everlasting seemed to overpower the sense of this mortal life, and Ethel's agitation was calmed away.
/> The old cedar-tree stood up in stately blackness against the sky, and the lights in the house glanced behind it. The servants looked rather surprised to see Ethel, as if she were not expected, and conducted her to the great drawing-room, which looked the more desolate and solitary, from the glare of lamplight, falling on the empty seats which Ethel had lately seen filled with a glad home party. She was looking round, thinking whether to venture up to Meta's room, and there summon Bellairs, when Meta came gliding in, and threw her arms round her. Ethel could not speak, but Meta's voice was more cheerful than she had expected. "How kind of you, dear Ethel!"
"Papa sent for me," said Ethel.
"He is so kind! Can Margaret spare you?"
"Oh, yes; but you must leave me. You must want to be with him."
"He never lets me come in when he has these attacks," said Meta. "If he only would! But will you come up to my room? That is nearer."
"Is papa with him?"
"Yes."
Meta wound her arms round Ethel, and led her up to her sitting-room, where a book lay on the table. She said that her father had seemed weary and torpid, and had sat still until almost their late dinner- hour, when he seemed to bethink himself of dressing, and had risen. She thought he walked weakly, and rather tottering, and had run to make him lean on her, which he did, as far as his own room door. There he had kissed her, and thanked her, and murmured a word like blessing. She had not, however, been alarmed, until his servant had come to tell her that he had another seizure.
Ethel asked whether she had seen Dr. May since he had been with her father. She had; but Ethel was surprised to find that she had not taken in the extent of his fears. She had become so far accustomed to these attacks, that, though anxious and distressed, she did not apprehend more than a few days' weakness, and her chief longing was to be of use. She was speaking cheerfully of beginning her nursing to-morrow, and of her great desire that her papa would allow her to sit up with him, when there was a slow, reluctant movement of the lock of the door, and the two girls sprang to their feet, as Dr. May opened it; and Ethel read his countenance at once.
Not so Meta. "How is he? May I go to him?" cried she.
"Not now, my dear," said Dr. May, putting his hand on her shoulder, in a gentle, detaining manner, that sent a thrill of trembling through her frame, though she did not otherwise move. She only clasped her hands together, and looked up into his face. He answered the look. "Yes, my dear, the struggle is over."
Ethel came near, and put her arm round Meta's waist, as if to strengthen her, as she stood quite passive and still.
Dr. May seemed to think it best that all should be told; but, though intently watching Meta, he directed his words to his own daughter. "Thank Heaven, it has been shorter, and less painful, than I had dared to hope."
Meta tried to speak, but could not bring out the words, and, with an imploring look at Ethel, as if to beg her to make them clear for her, she inarticulately murmured, "Oh! why did you not call me?"
"I could not. He would not let me. His last conscious word to me was not to let you see him suffer."
Meta wrung her clasped hands together in mute anguish. Dr. May signed to Ethel to guide her back to the sofa, but the movement seemed so far to rouse her, that she said, "I should like to go to bed."
"Right--the best thing," said Dr. May; and he whispered to Ethel, "Go with her, but don't try to rouse her--don't talk to her. Come back to me, presently."
He did not even shake hands with Meta, nor wish her good-night, as she disappeared into her own room.
Bellairs undressed her, and Ethel stood watching, till the young head, under the load of sorrow, so new to it, was laid on the pillow. Bellairs asked her if she would have a light.
"No, no, thank you--the dark and alone. Good-night," said Meta. Ethel went back to the sitting-room, where her father was standing at the window, looking out into the night. He turned as she came in, folded her in his arms, and kissed her forehead. "And how is the poor little dear?" he asked.
"The same," said Ethel. "I can't bear to leave her alone, and to have said nothing to comfort her."
"It is too soon as yet," said Dr. May--"her mind has not taken it in. I hope she will sleep all night, and have more strength to look at it when she wakens."
"She was utterly unprepared."
"I could not make her understand me," said Dr. May.
"And, oh, papa, what a pity she was not there!"
"It was no sight for her, till the last few minutes; and his whole mind seemed bent on sparing her. What tenderness it has been."
"Must we leave her to herself all night?"
"Better so," said Dr. May. "She has been used to loneliness; and to thrust companionship on her would be only harassing."
Ethel, who scarcely knew what it was to be alone, looked as if she did not understand.
"I used to try to force consolation on people," said Dr. May, "but I know, now, that it can only be done by following their bent."
"You have seen so many sorrows," said Ethel.
"I never understood till I felt," said Dr. May. "Those few first days were a lesson."
"I did not think you knew what was passing," said Ethel.
"I doubt whether any part of my life is more distinctly before me than those two days," said Dr. May. "Flora coming in and out, and poor Alan sitting by me; but I don't believe I had any will. I could no more have moved my mind than my broken arm; and I verily think, Ethel, that, but for that merciful torpor, I should have been frantic. It taught me never to disturb grief."
"And what shall we do?"
"You must stay with her till Flora comes. I will be here as much as I can. She is our charge, till they come home. I told him, between the spasms, that I had sent for you, and he seemed pleased."
"If only I were anybody else!"
Dr. May again threw his arm round her, and looked into her face. He felt that he had rather have her, such as she was, than anybody else; and, together, they sat down, and talked of what was to be done, and what was best for Meta, and of the solemnity of being in the house of death. Ethel felt and showed it so much, in her subdued, awe-struck manner, that her father felt checked whenever he was about to return to his ordinary manner, familiarised, as he necessarily was, with the like scenes. It drew him back to the thought of their own trouble, and their conversation recurred to those days, so that each gained a more full understanding of the other, and they at length separated, certainly with the more peaceful and soft feelings for being in the abode of mourning.
Bellairs promised to call Ethel, to be with her young lady as early as might be, reporting that she was sound asleep. And sleep continued to shield her till past her usual hour, so that Ethel was up, and had been with Dr. May, before she was summoned to her, and then she found her half dressed, and hastening that she might not make Dr. May late for breakfast, and in going to his patients. There was an elasticity in the happily constituted young mind that could not be entirely struck down, nor deprived of power of taking thought for others. Yet her eyes looked wandering, and unlike themselves, and her words, now and then, faltered, as if she was not sure what she was doing or saying. Ethel told her not to mind--Dr. Spencer would take care of the patients; but she did not seem to recollect, at first, who Dr. Spencer was, nor to care for being reminded.
Breakfast was laid out in the little sitting-room. Ethel wanted to take the trouble off her hands, but she would not let her. She sat behind her urn, and asked about tea or coffee, quite accurately, in a low, subdued voice, that nearly overcame Dr. May. When the meal was over, and she had rung the bell, and risen up, as if to her daily work, she turned round, with that piteous, perplexed air, and stood for a moment, as if confused.
"Cannot we help you?" said Ethel.
"I don't know. Thank you. But, Dr. May, I must not keep you from other people--"
"I have no one to go to this morning," said Dr. May. "I am ready to stay with you, my dear."
Meta came closer to him, and murmured, "
Thank you!"
The breakfast things had, by this time, been taken away, and Meta, looking to see that the door had shut for the last time, said, in a low voice, "Now tell me--"
Dr. May drew her down to sit on the sofa beside him, and, in his soft, sweet voice, told her all that she wished to learn of her father's last hours, and was glad to see showers of quiet, wholesome tears drop freely down, but without violence, and she scarcely attempted to speak. There was a pause at the end, and then she said gently, "Thank you, for it all. Dear papa!" And she rose up, and went back to her room.
"She has learned to dwell apart," said Dr. May, much moved.
"How beautiful she bears up!" said Ethel.
"It has been a life which, as she has used it, has taught her strength and self-dependence in the midst of prosperity."
"Yes," said Ethel, "she has trained herself by her dread of self- indulgence, and seeking after work. But oh! what a break up it is for her! I cannot think how she holds up. Shall I go to her?"
"I think not. She knows the way to the only Comforter. I am not afraid of her after those blessed tears."
Dr. May was right; Meta presently returned to them, in the same gentle subdued sadness, enfolding her, indeed, as a flower weighed down by mist, but not crushing nor taking away her powers. It was as if she were truly upheld; and thankful to her friends as she was, she did not throw herself on them in utter dependence or self- abandonment.
She wrote needful letters, shedding many tears over them, and often obliged to leave off to give the blinding weeping its course, but refusing to impose any unnecessary task upon Dr. May's lame arm. All that was right, she strove to do; she saw Mr. Charles Wilmot, and was refreshed by his reading to her; and when Dr. May desired it, she submissively put on her bonnet, and took several turns with Ethel in the shrubbery, though it made her cry heartily to look into the downstairs rooms. And she lay on the sofa at last, owning herself strangely tired, she did not know why, and glad that Ethel should read to her. By and by, she went to dress for the evening, and came back, full of the tidings that one of the children in the village had been badly burned. It occupied her very much--she made Ethel promise to go and see about her to-morrow, and sent Bellairs at once with every comfort that she could devise.
The Daisy Chain, or Aspirations Page 62
