‘I gather you’re not here just to see me?’
‘That’s why I’m here in Auckland.’
‘That’s not what I meant. Why come to New Zealand?’
‘I brought Mary home.’
‘Mary?’
‘The girl who saved my life. She came to New York, but she was ill so I brought her home.’
The words were stark. The sentences bald enough for Jake to know there was a lot being left unsaid. But they were still too far apart. He needed to tread carefully if he wanted to get as close as they had once been. Close enough to really talk about the biggest rock in that undercurrent?
‘So now you’re heading back?’
‘Yes. Tomorrow.’
‘How ill is she?’
‘She’s okay now.’
‘And you’re not getting involved any further?’
‘I brought her home. In the company jet.’
Jake couldn’t suppress a soft snort. He knew what was happening here. The control Ben was trying to exert over himself. That he was trying to protect himself. Surely it was enough that one of them was dealing with the dark side of emotional involvement with a woman right now. Maybe Ben needed a push to wake up and smell the roses before it was too late for both of them.
‘That’s involvement?’ The words came out more harshly than he’d intended.
‘Cut it with the snide, Jake.’
‘I’m not snide,’ he said, on an inward sigh. ‘I’m worried.’
‘She’ll be fine.’
‘I’m worried about you.’
‘Why on earth...?’ He could see the way Ben’s eyes widened. He was the big brother. He was the one who got to be worried.
‘I’ve met a woman, too, Ben,’ he said. ‘Same as you, it’s the woman who plucked me out of the sea. Only, unlike you, I’m in it up to my neck and...well, it’s not going so well right about now.’
Talk about an understatement. Why had he said that anyway? It wasn’t ‘not going so well’. It was over. And he didn’t even want to try and fight that decision.
Or maybe he did. Maybe even sorting things out with his brother wasn’t going to make that lonely place disappear. Man...this was confusing. And how could he begin to try and explain that to Ben when his brother’s expression suggested that he couldn’t be bothered with another one of Jake’s dramas. He even held up a hand as if to ward off any more information.
‘You don’t need to tell me. Of course it’s not going well. But there’s no need to talk about it—I’ll be reading about it in the glossies soon enough. Maybe it’s time you grew up, Jake. Marriages and happy endings belong in one of your movies. They’re not the real world. Not for us, that’s for sure. You’ve already tried and failed. You play-acted the perfect husband last time. Wasn’t that enough?’
Ben was angry. Fed up with him, or was there something else bothering him even more? Jake was pretty sure there was more to this reaction than the embarrassing publicity that had come in the wake of his failed celebrity marriage. Had he really believed he was in love then? Had Ben been able to see something he hadn’t?
‘You think I was acting?’
‘You’ve acted all your life—just like our mother. You don’t know what’s real and what’s not.’
And there was Ellie’s voice in his head yet again.
You’re watching yourself on a big screen all the time, Jake—whether you’re aware of it or not.
It wasn’t true.
‘I wasn’t acting the first time round,’ he told Ben. It was the truth. He’d believed he’d been in love, but he hadn’t really known the meaning of the word, had he? ‘Believe it or not, I thought it was real. But now...I’m sure not acting this time. Ellie’s different. She’s one in a million. This is a million miles from one failed marriage.’
Ben looked really angry now. He jerked himself to his feet. ‘Then you’re even more of a fool than I thought. One in a million—just like the last one. And the next one and the one after that?’
The sarcasm in his brother’s tone was enough to push Jake’s buttons. He didn’t know Ellie. He had no idea that he was dismissing the most amazing woman on the planet. He pushed himself to his feet, his fists clenched.
‘Will you cut it out?’ They were getting noticed. The bar might be empty of punters but the barman was watching them carefully. ‘Ellie is different, Ben. And we’re not...we’re not our parents, Ben.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Just that. We’re our own people.’ Jake took a deep breath. ‘You finally let it out, didn’t you? In the life raft when you said I wouldn’t know reality if it bit me. That I was just like Mom. You told me she’d killed herself and you think I’m on the same path. Heading for self-destruction because I can’t pick what’s real or deal with it.’
‘I don’t...’ Ben’s face was agonised. He couldn’t find the words.
‘Yeah, you do. It’s gutted me knowing that Mom’s death was suicide, but it’s gutted me even more that you’ve kept it to yourself all these years. You’ve been protecting me, but you didn’t have to. You’ve been protecting yourself and that’s even worse.’
Ben shook his head. ‘This isn’t making any sense.’
‘Maybe it’s not.’ Jake wasn’t sure of what he was trying to say either, but the words kept spilling out. ‘But this girl you brought all the way to New Zealand. Mary. She went all the way to the States to see you?’
‘So...what?’
‘I’m not even beginning to guess what that was all about,’ Jake continued, ‘but I don’t have to guess because it doesn’t make any difference. No matter who she is, no matter what she’s done, no matter what she means to you, you’ll never open yourself up. Because if you do, you’ll have to open yourself up to the whole mess that was our mom. Our family. And Mom killed herself. Finally, I’m seeing why you’re so damned afraid.’
‘I’m not afraid.’ A knee-jerk response. Defensive.
‘If you’re not afraid of relationships, then why assume that whatever I have going on with Ellie will inevitably be another disaster for the glossies to gloat over?’ He turned away. ‘Well, maybe it is a disaster, but at least I’m involved. I know I’m capable of loving. I’m not running away, like you.’
‘Oh, for...’ Ben was barely controlling his anger now. ‘I’m not running away from anything.’
‘It looks that way to me. You run. You hide. Just like you’ve been hiding from me all these years by not telling me the truth. Shall we go there, Ben? Talk about it properly? Or do you want to run away from that, too?’
Despair and anger were a curdled mess in his gut. Things were going so wrong here and he couldn’t stop it. They were standing here in this deserted bar and staring at each other. If they’d still been ten years old one of them would have thrown a punch by now. Or twenty years old.
Maybe they still would.
The moment could have gone either way, but Jake could see so many things in Ben’s face. Fear that what he was saying might be true? Sadness that they were so far apart? A willingness to try and put things right?
It wasn’t going to happen, though. Not yet.
‘I need to go.’ Ben’s tone was final.
‘Of course you do.’ Jake’s anger was draining away, leaving a horrible empty feeling in his gut. ‘People talk about emotions, you run. You’ve spent our lives accusing me of being like Mom every time I showed emotion. Play-acting. Yeah, okay...maybe some of it was, but not all of it. I’m trying to figure it out at last. Maybe the real is worth fighting for. The real is even worth hurting for.’
It sounded good to say it out loud.
Right.
‘Yeah, well, good luck with that.’ It was Ben who was being snide this time. ‘What did you say—that things aren’t going well between you and this new woman? Amazing. I stand amazed.’
‘Get out of here before I slug you,’ Jake snapped. He didn’t need Ben echoing the other voice in his head. The one that was trying to persuade him to let it go
. To let Ellie go. That it wasn’t worth fighting for.
As if on cue, Ben’s phone started ringing.
Someone wanted to talk to Ben. Mary?
What if it had been Ellie ringing him right now? Would he want to answer it?
The strength of his affirmation went a long way towards sorting his current confusion.
‘Maybe you should get that,’ he growled. ‘Maybe it’s Mary.’
‘It’s work.’ But Ben clearly wanted to answer the call.
‘There you go, then.’ Jake turned away. ‘I don’t know why you’re not taking it. Work’s always been your place to hide, hasn’t it, big brother? Why should anything I say make it any different?’
* * *
Well...
That had gone well.
Not.
He’d had a few beers with Ben in the bar, but that was a long time ago now. Needing to burn off some of the anger and frustration, Jake had taken a long route back to his hotel to try to walk it off.
All he’d succeeded in burning off had been any mellowing effect the beers might have had. Maybe he needed something stronger. Just as well the minibar in his room was well stocked.
The first Scotch didn’t even touch sides. He could, at least, taste the second. The third ended up sitting in its glass on the coffee table in front of him as Jake tipped his head back with a groan of frustration. He went to push his hair back but the barber had dealt with the long locks today and there were no tangles to provide the welcome distraction of pain. He rubbed at his chin. Clean shaven now. He’d been looking forward to getting rid of that beard.
Looking forward to finding out what it would feel like to kiss Ellie without it. Hoping she’d love the change and be attracted to him all over again with that same passion they’d discovered between them.
Maybe he did need that third Scotch after all.
What was going so wrong in his life?
He’d lost Ellie.
It felt like he might have really lost Ben this time, too.
Sleep wasn’t an option but sitting here for hour after hour, trying to make sense of the downward spiral his personal life was taking, wasn’t either. By 2:00 a.m. he’d had enough. He punched in the number of Ben’s phone, only to get an engaged signal. Who was he talking to at 2:00 a.m.?
This Mary maybe?
More likely to be someone in New York.
Whatever. Jake dropped the phone and closed his eyes. If he didn’t catch at least a few hours’ sleep, he’d have trouble keeping up with the hectic schedule tomorrow would bring. And if he couldn’t keep up with the play, he might as well kiss goodbye any ambitions he had to move into a directing and editing role in the near future.
Things were bad enough already. He really couldn’t afford to let his life spin any more out of control right now.
* * *
‘I wish I could help, hon. I hate seeing you so sad.’
‘It’s helping being here, Jill. I love this place.’
Ellie was spending the afternoon at the bird-rearing centre. There was always plenty for a knowledgeable volunteer to do. The brooder pens needed to be wiped down and the peat moss dug over and checked for moisture content. Food for the older chicks needed preparation by mincing the beef heart to mix with shredded fruit and vegetables. If she was lucky, she would get to help weigh chicks or to sit quietly to observe and record their behaviour. A real treat would be helping to feed a chick, but there weren’t any that needed that kind of assistance today. Maybe next time.
It was helping. Being here and being with one of her closest friends.
‘How’s the lecture writing going?’
‘Okay, I guess.’ Ellie put gloves on to push raw meat through the mincer. ‘I’ve just finished one on the physiological effects of altitude. Tomorrow I’ll get stuck into the biodynamics of flight. And I’m spending some time on base, getting images of aeromedical equipment. I’m keeping busy.’
‘Are you enjoying it?’
‘Honestly?’ Ellie looked up as she moved to get a set of scales to start weighing portions of the minced beef. ‘I don’t think I’m cut out for an academic life. It’s kind of lonely...and boring.’
‘It’ll be better when you’re actually teaching it instead of writing about it.’
‘Maybe.’ Ellie was really trying hard to be optimistic but being less than honest with someone she trusted felt wrong. ‘I’m not sure I’m cut out for being in a classroom, day in, day out, either. You know what they say? Those that can—do, those that can’t—teach...’
‘Nonsense.’ Jillian emphasised her contradiction by turning on the food processor to shred some carrots. She threw Ellie a speculative glance when she turned it off again.
‘Can you really not go back to active duty? Your ankle’s fine now, isn’t it?’
‘My back isn’t. That injury I had years ago was always going to limit my time on the choppers. It’s time to be careful if I want to be walking properly when I’m old and gray.’
‘You miss it, don’t you?’
‘Yeah...’ But active duty as a paramedic wasn’t the only thing Ellie was missing. Not by a long shot.
‘You could go back on the road, then.’
Ellie shook her head. ‘If I want to stay in the ambulance service, I’ll either have to teach or I’ll get put behind a desk as some kind of manager.’ The dismal prospect made her throat feel tight. Or maybe that was due to the never-ending ache of what else she was missing.
Jake...
She tried to smile at Jillian. ‘Maybe I’ll just come and work for you instead.’
‘Cool. We won’t be able to pay you, but you’d be most welcome.’
Turning on the taps to wash some feeding bowls, Ellie had to blink hard. She needed to get over herself. There must be dozens of people who’d love the chance to do the kind of work she had the skills to do now. Like teach...or manage.
The problem was, she’d had a taste of things that were so much more exciting. Even if she knew she was lucky to have had that taste and there was no way to have it again, there was no easy way back to reality.
In her working life or her love life.
Jillian handed her one of the feed bowls when everything had been weighed and charted. ‘That’s Pēpe’s. You get to feed him. He’s your baby.’
The squeeze around Ellie’s heart was a physical pain. He wasn’t just hers, he was Jake’s too. She’d never again be able to look at as much as a picture of a kiwi without thinking of him. Without the pain of knowing that she’d lost something precious. Not really fair when she lived in a country that had made the bird its national icon.
Except she hadn’t lost it, had she?
It had never really been there. Just an illusion on her part and play-acting on Jake’s.
If it had been real, she would have heard from him by now. How many days would it take before she gave up and started getting over him?
Right now it felt like there wouldn’t be enough days in the rest of her life for that to happen.
She needed to try harder.
‘Have you had any luck getting through the red tape for Pēpe’s release? Did you find out who owns Half Moon Island now?’
‘I’m working on it.’ Jillian tapped the side of her nose. ‘I have contacts. Give me a bit more time and I’ll get it sorted.’
Ellie nodded. She managed a genuine smile this time.
A bit more time. Perhaps that was all that was needed. For Pēpe’s release and for her own return to happiness.
* * *
The headache Jake had the next morning was entirely self-inflicted. The weariness was bone deep, but at least the combination of physical and emotional suffering made him feel like he might have finally hit rock bottom.
Did that mean the only way might be up?
It was during a meeting with sound technology experts that a moment of clarity hit. He wasn’t the only person present who was dubious about what was being planned to emphasise the crashing of surf against rock
s during the shipwreck scene and the music that would accompany it.
Steve was frowning. ‘Isn’t it a bit over the top?’
‘It’ll work,’ the sound guy said. ‘Trust us.’
And there was Ellie’s voice in his head yet again.
Without trust there’s nothing.
The echo stayed with Jake for the rest of the day. It got louder when he didn’t have to focus on work and was trying to kill the last of his headache and fatigue with a brutal workout in the hotel gymnasium.
Lack of trust was what had blown them apart.
It was what was still wrong between himself and Ben.
With a towel knotted loosely around his hips, Jake caught his reflection in the locker-room mirrors as he walked back from the showers. His tattoo was such a part of his body these days he barely registered its presence unless it had to be masked for a scene. Or when someone asked about it. Like Ellie had.
It was actually possible to still feel the light touch of her fingers as she’d traced the characters. To hear his own voice as he’d explained their meaning.
He who dares wins.
Jake’s step slowed. His gaze lifted to stare into his own eyes.
Did he dare?
Could he win what he wanted most?
The answer was suddenly crystal clear. He had no other choice but to try his best, because if he didn’t, he would be haunted by what-ifs for the rest of his life.
But how?
Again, the answer seemed obvious. He would ask someone who might know. Someone whose advice he could trust.
This time, Ben answered his phone straight away. ‘Jake... Hey, man! I’m glad you rang. I—’
‘I need help,’ Jake interrupted. He couldn’t afford the distraction of any small talk. This was too important. ‘I’ve done something and I don’t know how to fix it. How to get Ellie to trust me again.’
She had every reason not to trust him. He’d proclaimed publicly that their relationship meant absolutely nothing and then he’d compounded the situation by using lines that had meant nothing because they were no more than part of a rehearsed script.
The silence on the other end of the line was startled. Jake rushed to fill it.
‘I lied, Ben. I told the media that Ellie meant nothing to me.’
The Maverick Millionaire Page 14
