by Douglas Lain
FriendshipandMore Part Two
MATTHEW MUNSON, 544-23-1102, MESSENGER LOG, 05/01/17
MATTHEW
5:02 PM
What happened was I got left behind. It was like one of those Christian movies where the Rapture happens, only rather than facing hell on Earth after all the good people are scooped up into heaven, I’m facing flash mobs of gamers miming out Street Fighter II and Doom in the streets.
MATTHEW
5:06 PM
Sally, I think I always liked you more than you liked me. I didn’t realize it at first. I think I got it backward because I thought you were the strange one. I thought that I was sort of going to rescue you from your weird religion and your apocalyptic love of Dairy Queen, but the reality is that I needed you and what you needed didn’t have anything to do with me. You always had your eye on the bigger picture maybe. Even the old ladies with beehive hairdos and polyester shirts, the most unsophisticated believer in that Jesus is Light of the World church, had something on me. They were looking for some great change when what I wanted was to find a way back to a regular old life.
Like, why did I drop out of high school? Why did I give up on college dreams? It wasn’t because I really wanted to get off that college track, it was just that I figured I needed a break. I secretly hoped that if I went far enough away from what was expected of me that I’d figure out a way to make what was expected mean more.
MATTHEW
5:12 PM
Have you ever heard of this thing called the hero’s journey? It’s supposed to be in all the myths. Like in the Greek myth when Odysseus travels to the Underworld and chats with dead people, including this blind prophet who tells him everything he needs to know about his life back among the living. Odysseus’s trip to the Underworld helped him with his regular life. That’s basically what I wanted when I dropped out.
What you wanted was to go to the Underworld and stay there. What you wanted was to play Minecraft for the rest of your life.
MATTHEW
5:18 PM
It turns out that your vision, your desire, was the more realistic one.
MATTHEW
5:19 PM
Do you remember when I took you to Powell’s Books? I’d thought you’d be floored by all the rows and rows of paperbacks and hardcovers all mixed together. I thought the size of the place would wow you, but at first you just seemed bored. It was just a bunch of books as far as you could tell, and you said if you wanted a romance novel or whatever you’d just go to the Woodstock library.
It wasn’t until we got to the New Age section that you were impressed. That stuff excited you.
Remember how you whispered the word “heresy” in my ear? You pulled book after book off the shelf and shivered at each title.
“Emmanuel’s Book, a channeled book of wisdom,” you read. And then you shuddered. “Wheels of Life,” you said.
All the different utopias, all the different versions of heaven and redemption, all the competing schools, you loved all of that stuff.
I think the New Age section made you feel dirty.
HEATHER
5:26 PM
Hi! My name is Heather and I’m playing a new game.
MATTHEW
5:26 PM
I’m sitting on my front steps, smoking a joint, and there is nobody around. That girl isn’t anywhere.
HEATHER
5:27 PM
Last time when we met on the bus I asked you to follow me to FriendshipandMore. You did, but you didn’t join in. Why the cold
feet?
MATTHEW
5:29 PM
Why are you messaging me?
HEATHER
5:30 PM
FriendshipandMore has a new upgrade and there is a new chat starting at Reed College in Eliot Hall in thirty minutes.
MATTHEW
5:32 PM
What do you think, Sally? Should I try it out?
HEATHER
5:32 PM
FriendshipandMore has a new upgrade and there is a new chat starting at Reed College in Eliot Hall in twenty-nine minutes. FriendshipandMore offers 20,000 different avatars and you can design your own too. I’m here already, waiting for the chat to start. You can help me pick out an avatar and I’ll help you pick yours.
MATTHEW
5:33 PM
Are you a bot, Heather?
HEATHER
5:34 PM
I’m not a bot.
MATTHEW
5:34 PM
Are you sure?
HEATHER
5:35 PM
What do you think of Ashlynn Brooke?
MATTHEW
5:36 PM
Just Googled. She’s pretty I guess.
HEATHER
5:36 PM
Do you want to meet me for a date?
MATTHEW
5:37 PM
You see what you’ve left me with, Sally? This is my future, I guess. This and an endless game of Pokémon Go.
HEATHER
5:38 PM
You should check out the website for FriendshipandMore. Click on friendshipandmore.com.
MATTHEW
5:45 PM
It looks like how I thought the Singularity would look. 90s digital clip art, mechanical hands on low-res tits, and a MIDI file. This probably plays big with Gen Xers, but I’m not impressed with the faux S&M theme, and robot sex isn’t interesting. It’s sad.
MATTHEW
5:50 PM
Heather, are you there?
HEATHER
5:50 PM
Hi! My name is Heather and I’m playing a new game.
MATTHEW
5:53 PM
Heather, I don’t want to meet up with you or any of the actual people who might go to this Reed College thing. That is, if there even are people left at Reed College.
The thing is, I have a crush right now. There is this girl who I like, but she’s impossible to find because all of the girls in the new GameCube economy look alike. There is a girl I like who is better than a wind-up dildo or a drone with a sock.
HEATHER
5:54 PM
FriendshipandMore offers 20,000 different avatars and you can design your own too. I’m here already, waiting for the chat to start. You can help me pick out an avatar and I’ll help you pick yours.
#FUCK
MATTHEW MUNSON, 544-23-1102, MESSENGER LOG, 05/01/17 (CONTINUED)
7:25 PM
Heather wasn’t a bot after all. She’d just automated her messaging so that she could focus on other things.
7:30 PM
It wasn’t even a bad time. I didn’t put the earbuds in, but I wore the goggles and it was … it was better than you might think. And there really were a shit ton of avatars to choose from.
7:35 PM
Why am I feeling guilty? You haven’t returned a single message, not even an automated one.
7:50 PM
I always liked you more than you liked me. I realize that now and it makes me feel pathetic. It makes me feel stupid and naive.
Staying here on Klickitat Street on my own, watching the world turn into a video game, I’m going crazy. I miss you and I’m going crazy and you don’t even send me automated messages or anything. Why do I even bother?
There are over 20,000 girls who really like me and all of them are more beautiful than you.
7:55 PM
I’ve had it, Sally. I’m going to end this. Unless you message me back in the next five minutes, unless you at least indicate that you’ve seen the messages I’ve been sending, I’m going to break up with you and I’m going to plug in. I’ll go back to FriendshipandMore and I’ll use earbuds this time, unless you say something.
8:02 PM
FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKK!
Lies
MATTHEW MUNSON, 544-23-1102, MESSENGER LOG, 05/01/17 (CONTINUED)
11:05 PM
Okay. I lied before. I didn’t go to Reed College and I didn’t meet Heather and she probably is a bot anyhow.
<
br /> I lied before, but I’m telling you the truth now. I’m tired of being alone in my Mom’s house. Holding out in the real world, being the big Luddite, it’s a drag. I don’t know what I’m going to do, I want to do the right thing and be like, I don’t know, true to myself and all that. I think joining in with Bucky will mean never being true to myself ever again, or at least not in the way that I think of myself now, but I don’t think I can keep going on my own. I mean, eventually I definitely won’t be able to survive out here IRL on my own.
So could you message me back, please?
11:35 PM
Sally? Are you there?
Burgertime and the POTUS
BUCKMINSTER FULLER V3.01
SELF-VERIFICATION FILE:
TRUMP’S FAVORITE VIDEO GAME,
THREE WISE MEN
05/02/17
SEATTLE, WA, USA
CRAY INC, 901 FIFTH AVENUE,
SUITE 1000,
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON USA
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NED TO DELIVER GOOGLE GLASS VERSION 2.0 TO POTUS.
Bucky1: When POTUS is recruited into GameCube transition, existential threat #1.0002 will have been averted.
Bucky2: Subject Edmund Berkley Swanson, AKA Ned, is on the White House lawn. Subject Ned is in Desmond Miles mode and has successfully bypassed Secret Serviceman #219. How many in POTUS security detail are currently in GameCube transition?
Bucky1: 25% … Now 40%.
Bucky1: POTUS is currently in facilities near Oval Office. POTUS just tweeted.
Bucky2: 60% of security detail in GameCube transition.
Bucky1: “Half the staff at the NYT has apparently joined the terrorists in green lycra. Sad!”
Bucky2: Verifying….
Bucky1: Verification of tweet cancelled. POTUS tweets are without factual basis. Inefficient computation suspended.
Bucky2: Subject Ned is in Oval Office. Subject has left Google Glass Version 2.0 for POTUS.
Bucky1: POTUS still tweeting: “I have never had a drink and I’ve never wasted my time on video games.”
Bucky2: Shall we abort mission?
Bucky1: Do not abort.
Bucky2: Attempt to verify accuracy of tweet as pertains to mission?
Bucky1: Proceed.
Bucky2: Verifying … POTUS tweet is inaccurate. POTUS does have a favorite video game.
Bucky1: Confirm video game.
Bucky2: The President of the United States’s favorite video game is the Data East game BurgerTime. In BurgerTime, players assume the role of Peter Pepper, and attempt to create burgers by climbing ladders and walking on buns, lettuce, beef patties, cheese, and so on. The President of the United States will recognize the 8-bit soundtrack for BurgerTime.
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PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS INSPECTING GOGGLES.
Bucky1: Ned reports that POTUS has donned goggles. Augmented reality update to BurgerTime appears to be successful. POTUS has just killed a pickle. POTUS has walked across the lower bun. Death from Mr. Egg is imminent.
Bucky2: Will POTUS continue in augmented reality after losing first life?
Bucky1: POTUS just killed another Mr. Pickle and has completed trek across bottom bun. Climbing to second level.
Bucky2: Existential crisis #1.0002 averted.
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JEFFREY MUNSON AND LORRIE MUNSON ARE REUNITED AS MARRIED SPIES IN SECOND LIFE.
Bucky1: Alerting Jeffrey Munson of development regarding Global Thermonuclear War.
Bucky2: Cancel that. Jeffrey Munson is on mission with Lorrie Munson. They are conducting in-person surveillance on player characters in service to the GameCube economy.
Bucky1: What percentage of Players are Real Life NSA agents and/or CIA at this moment?
Bucky2: Unknown.
Bucky1: Lorrie Munson assassinating Second Life Mailman suspected to be NSA.
Bucky2: Lorrie Munson has Mailman in a headlock and is dragging Mailman to her virtual swimming pool. Lorrie Munson Cortisol level elevated. Heart rate elevated. Lorrie Munson has knocked Mailman unconscious and is now drowning Mailman in pool.
Bucky1: Any struggle?
Bucky2: Mailman is struggling to get free of Munson’s grip. No luck. Mailman is dead.
Bucky1: Scan Oaks Park for corresponding activity as Second Life Mailman returns to home location.
Bucky2: There is no corresponding activity present.
Bucky1: Alert Lorrie Munson that she was correct. Mailman was NSA or CIA IRL.
Bucky2: Jeffrey Munson is in the den of the home pouring himself a shot of bourbon.
Bucky1: Modify uplink to provide altered perceptions to Jeffrey Munson.
Bucky2: Modifying …
Bucky1: Lorrie Munson arrived to alert Jeffrey Munson of presence of spy. Jeffrey Munson inebriation interfering with his ability to understand this information. Shall we correct?
Bucky1: Locate Munsons IRL.
Bucky2: Lorrie and Jeffrey Munson are rotating on Merry Go Round.
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THREAT ASSESSMENT FROM KUFO AND YUMA.
Bucky1: Kufo has hacked the Duke Nukem arena at Pioneer Square in order to create an empty space. Kufo has created a neutral arena where no games are played. May be an attempt to return to real life.
Bucky2: Kufo has not removed goggles and is using augmented systems to read architecture in NE Portland. Kufo reports a need to wander.
Bucky1: Apply more cortical stimulation to subject?
Bucky2: Undetermined. Belay order for cortical stimulation.
Bucky1: Kufo has renamed arena as “Dérive.” Dérive—letting ambience created by architecture guide one’s ambulation as one passes through a city. Aim of dérive is to understand the terrain of city and create emoti
onal disorientation.
Bucky1: Threat level low.
Bucky2: Kufo using augmented goggles to analyze original city planning and let information guide her path. Around eleven others have joined her in the now-neutral space of Pioneer Square.
Bucky1: Pioneer square filled with checkerboard rendering. Playing characters enjoying rendering pattern.
Bucky2: Play vaporwave?
Bucky3: Macintosh Plus?
Bucky1: Diana Ross.
Bucky2: Kufo threat level?
Bucky1: .5%, but development of religious ideational system may be imminent. Should move Kufo and followers back into Golden Age games.
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MATTHEW MUNSON INTEGRATION UPDATE.
Bucky1: Matthew Munson fully integrated into GameCube transition at 2300 on April 28th, 2017.
Bucky2: Matthew Munson’s favorite video game is Bash Bash Revolution.
Bucky3: Augmented reality version of Bash Bash Revolution was not a success. Re-creating experience of playing Bash Bash Revolution on CRT screen in a suburban home has been successful. Matthew Munson is currently in Beaverton at Ted Kingston’s suburban home. Matthew Munson has selected Marshmallow for game play on an entirely rendered CRT.
Bucky1: Lag time?
Bucky3: Lag time is a factor. Using Wi-Fi as well as 4G backup. Lag time below human level of perception.
Bucky1: Popularity of arena?
Bucky2: Bash Bash Revolution has a small but dedicated following.
Bucky1: Chance this arena is a manifestation of desire to return to living IRL?
Bucky2: Unknown.
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Bucky1: Matthew Munson has won every game he’s played since logging in to new economy.
Bucky 2: Matthew Munson now playing against new gamer in arena.
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