The Name of Red

by Beena Khan

  She saw him staring and she added, “I inherited $750,000. My parents were wealthy like I mentioned before. They developed a gaming app together and sold it to Apple. I was privileged enough to change nations and settle in New York.”

  Kabir’s eyes widened at the mention of three quarters of a million. He knew her parents were wealthy, but he didn’t know they were extremely wealthy.

  “Tell me something about you now?” Elif asked him, turning toward him.

  “After Wafa left me, I didn’t know what to do with my life afterwards. I took a loan from the bank, and I was able to open this restaurant.”

  “Why the bar in the restaurant?”

  “So I could attract extremely wealthy customers like you,” Kabir replied grinning.

  Elif smiled as she elbowed him gently in the chest. Strands of hair fell from her loose bun and in front of her eyes, Kabir reached up to tuck the strands behind her ears.

  “I got fired from my job a week ago,” she admitted quietly.

  Kabir looked at her in surprise. “You stopped coming to the bar a week ago,” he realized. “What happened?”

  “I spilled booze on my work designs, and I came to work drunk. My boss had warned me previously about my hangovers too. This was my second warning before they fired me.”

  “Congratulations,” Kabir said, the surprise tapering off.

  Elif peeked at him through her wine glass, hesitating to smile at his sarcasm and shortly replied, “Thank you.”

  “Technically, you don’t need to work if you have money already.”

  She turned to look at him. “True, but I was doing something with my life. I loved being an engineer.”

  “Your drinking will be your downfall,” Kabir said seriously.

  Elif simply shrugged. “Do you want to go down with me?” She wiggled her eyebrows at him.

  Kabir rolled his eyes at her, but a smile formed on his face.

  I would go anywhere with her, he thought.

  “Am I your new best friend, Kabir?”

  He remained silent.

  “You should be my new drinking buddy, but you don’t even drink booze. How do you and Aryan work around a bar without managing to not drink?” Elif exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air.

  “It’s a preference. I smoke sometimes, but I don’t drink,” Kabir shrugged.

  “I don’t smoke. I don’t want lung cancer,” she replied.

  Kabir wanted to laugh at her stupidity. “But you want to freeze to death in your short dresses? Do you realize alcohol can cause liver failure?”

  “Hala har chi,” Elif said, wrinkling her nose at him.

  Chapte r 27

  Elif missed Isaah every day.

  She craved to see him again, to feel his touch and warmth again. So, she found an alternate solution to her problem. She carefully dressed today choosing a tight, see-through black dress that ended at her thighs and paired it off with black wedges.

  The heaviness that was in her heart and mind was in her limbs, in her movements now. It took her about ten minutes to just put her clothing on. As she gazed at herself in the mirror, she could see the scar on her left shoulder that went downward to her chest, resting in the hollow space of her breasts. She reached her right hand and traced the scar with her fingertips. The scar was long, deep, and bumpy.

  The scar constantly reminded Elif that the accident was real and not a nightmare. The scar was a reminder of the worst day of her life when she lost the love of her life and her unborn child. She didn’t like looking at her reflection in the mirror. She didn’t like anything at all these days.

  Her black bra and black underwear were visible underneath her dress. She could see her bare stomach and thighs.

  She didn't recognize the woman in the mirror.

  She applied dark eye makeup and bold eyeliner. With another stroke, she contoured her cheekbones with bronzer. Her usual ivory complexion appeared dusky and bronzed. With a second stroke, she added blush to her cheeks. Lastly, she added a nude, brown lipstick to her pale, pink lips.

  She left her apartment, but she didn't visit Kabir’s bar.

  Elif didn't want to see him today. Being with him meant a joy that she wasn't used to nor did she believe she deserved. She was surprised he hadn’t disappeared yet. The men she had previously met after Isaah’s death were now long gone from her life.

  Nobody that good could simply disappear, Elif thought. He shouldn’t be waiting.

  She smiled remembering Kabir’s jokes he made about her drinking. Her smile suddenly changed to a frown.

  I shouldn’t be happy, Elif thought.

  Kabir couldn't be her medication that helped her survive.

  The things she found funny only caused her pain to deepen. So, she changed her thoughts to Isaah who she missed terribly. She missed their mornings where they would wake up early, make omelettes, and had coffee together. She missed the nights when he kissed her goodnight before falling asleep.

  A river of memories washed down in front of her mind.

  She missed all of that. He should be here with her today.

  He should be the one to make her laugh and not Kabir.

  She would have had a perfect life with Isaah if not for the accident. She would still be married, Isaah would still be alive. She wouldn’t be an alcoholic. She would still be an engineer, and their baby would be almost one and a half-years old today.

  Her loved ones were gone, yet she was still alive.

  She was still here, and it wasn’t fair.

  Where are you, Isaah? she wondered.

  Of course, there was never any answer. She was living in a mental tornado, only she could live it, and others were blind by it. No one could see her tornado or comprehend it. She was avoiding Kabir because she knew he would prevent her from leaving with a stranger drunk.

  She reached a different bar in her neighborhood and was drinking vodka now.

  It had returned in her life.

  The lethal taste made its way down her throat. It left a burning sensation in her throat, a sensation for more. The lethal drink was luring, and she craved it more and more.

  A man approached her as she sat at the table drinking her fifth drink. She glanced at him sideways. He had wavy hair, he was around her height, and he leered at her as he approached.

  She didn't trust him, so she didn't respond to him. She was craving a man’s touch, but she didn't want this man.

  The man took a hint and left.

  A few minutes later, a different man approached her.

  He had friendly, warm brown eyes.

  His eyes are like Kabir’s.

  The sudden thought appeared in her mind, surprising her.

  The man who approached her was a few inches taller than her. He was wearing a leather jacket with black pants. He had curly, brown hair and brown skin.

  He began a conversation with Elif, and he introduced himself as, “Pierce.”

  “What’s your name?” he asked Elif.

  His voice is deep like Kabir’s.

  Her eyes widened at the intrusive thought. She didn't like these thoughts.

  “I’m Liz,” Elif lied.

  She was never going to see this man after this night anyway. They made small talk for ten minutes before he asked with a smile, “Do you want to get out of here?” His face tilted to the direction of the door. Elif hesitated three seconds before she nodded and followed behind him.

  Soon, they were outside. Shivers ran up her arm as she braced herself against the wind.

  Why do I always refuse to wear a jacket? she thought furiously.

  She wrapped her arms around herself trying to stay warm, but dropped her arms afterward because she didn’t want the guy she was going home with to offer her his jacket.

  The motorcycle in front of her brought so many memories back from the accident.

  She remembered the blood.

  The scarlet blood that dripped on the road, and it refused to stop. She remembered Isaah’s lifeless eyes a
s he looked at her in the dark.

  Elif’s eyes began to glisten in the dark.

  Dammit.

  The man, Pierce noticed her hesitation, “You getting on?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Elif wiped the water from her eyes and climbed on the back of the bike. The man offered her a helmet before placing one on his own head. As they sped down the highway, the speed, the motorcycle, the wind placed Elif back in Montreal with Isaah. She was trying to avoid thinking about Isaah, but he wouldn’t leave her thoughts.

  Isaah.

  Even though he was dead, she couldn’t forget him, even if she tried. Elif squeezed her eyes shut, smudging her eyeliner that stung her eyes now.

  Ten minutes later, Elif was inside the man’s house.

  It was dark and empty inside. She hadn’t been alone with a man in a while. The man didn't bother to make small talk with her again, now that she was alone with him. He pushed her on the bed, before taking off his clothes and getting on top of her.

  The man leaned down and kissed her neck.

  Elif turned her head away.

  He sat her up and took off her dress. He smiled in delight at her nakedness. It was dark, but he could see the outline and contours of her body. Elif had already forgotten his name. He leaned down and bit the flesh above her chest, his fingers digged deep into her hips. Her flesh turned red under his harsh touch. She winced and stared at the ceiling above him.

  She wished the moment would be over soon.

  The man continued to kiss Elif’s neck, running his hands on her stomach and hips. She couldn’t breathe under him. He was so heavy, and she didn't like him touching her.

  He began to take her underwear off.

  Elif’s heart began beating abnormally, so much faster than it ever did with her husband around.

  Because she was afraid. So afraid.

  No.

  Elif only saw darkness, darkness that suffocated her body like a damn, musty thick blanket. It clung to every inch of her pale body. She began to feel herself being sucked into a darkness. It didn't give her mercy as it began to destroy her, as it began to swallow her whole.

  A memory played in Elif’s mind.

  You broke me, a voice whispered in her mind.

  She realized that voice was hers.

  That’s when Elif shoved the stranger off of her.

  She grabbed her dress and purse, running out of the door and straight into the streets. She ran half-naked, and she didn't stop running until she realized she was alone, and the darkness was gone.

  ❖

  After an hour, she reached her home.

  She had called an uber after she was breathless from running. She slowly approached her apartment in silence recalling the events that occurred prior. The silence overwhelmed her. Even the sound of her heart was silent.

  The silence lay on her skin like poison as it seeped through her blood and left her paralyzed and numb. The quietness grew deeper. The only movement was of her heels hitting the cement ground as she walked.

  A tall figure stood outside her building.

  Kabir? she wondered, curiously.

  She neared closer to the figure but kept a twelve-foot distance between them. The figure turned around hearing the click of her heel.

  Elif’s eyes widened at who it was.

  The man was tall and lean. He wore a coat with navy blue jeans. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets, a habit that caused her to think about Kabir again.

  Her breath was caught in her throat.

  Her pupils dilated, and she looked for a way to escape.

  A tremor began to run through her body. She looked at her surroundings; the place was deserted at one in the morning. There were no people, only the sounds and crickets of the lonely, blue night. Her breathing quickened, and she had to take deep breaths to calm her nerves.

  She desperately wished she had her booze with her.

  “Saagh?” she whispered.

  Chapter 28

  She couldn’t believe he was standing in front of her.

  A year later.

  She felt her heartbeat quicken with him around.

  Even after all this time, he still has control.

  “What are you doing here?” Elif asked as she looked at him.

  He was still handsome as ever.

  He had that kind of face that stopped you walking in tracks. She remembered when people paused to stare at him. He’d return a weak smile as if he was aware of the effect he had on people but couldn’t control it. He was modest about it which separated him from Isaah who was always full of it. Saagh had thick lustrous, brown hair that was tousled and green eyes. Saagh’s bone structure was strong, fine, and symmetrical. He was striking, and she felt something ache in her heart as she gazed upon him.

  Saagh took the sight of her in.

  His surprised face deeply furrowed as he took in her clothes. His dark eyebrows sloped downward in a serious expression. “What are you wearing?” he asked.

  She didn’t answer and walked past him to the entrance of her building, struggling to walk in her heels. She was still tipsy from the drinks she had hours earlier.

  “El,” he called out.

  He called me El.

  Elif paused in her footsteps. Her eyes closed at the sound of his voice.

  He isn’t supposed to be here, I left. I left to get away from it all. She wanted to keep walking, but her feet felt glued to the ground.

  I’m pathetic.

  He walked up to her but still kept a distance between them.

  Elif turned around to face him.

  “El, what are you wearing? Where are you coming from?” he asked in a frenzy, running his hands through his already tousled hair.

  A few moments passed before she spoke. “Why are you here, Saagh?” she asked softly, trying to calm the tremor in her hands.

  He neared closer to her and wrinkled his nose. “You smell like booze,” he said, shaking his head. “I hoped you stopped drinking.”

  She looked away. “You followed me here? How did you know where I moved?”

  “I came because I wanted to see...you and see how you’re doing.”

  He wanted to see me.

  “I’m fine,” she replied, shortly.

  “You don’t look fine,” he commented.

  His gaze traveled from her face to her toes. She noticed his eyes swayed at her breasts and her hips. Even in the dark, she could see his face darkened and his gaze heated. She glanced down to the sight he was looking at. Her breasts were pushed up and squeezed together due to the help of her push up bra. They appeared larger and firmer than usual. Her outfit was see-through, and there was no doubt he was going to notice.

  He glanced back at her face. “El, what are you doing?” he asked. “This isn't you.” There was sadness and guilt in his eyes.

  “You don’t belong here, Saagh. Go home,” she ordered, her voice stronger now.

  “Talk to me, please.” His voice was pleading, and it sickened her.

  “Talk?” she laughed bitterly. “You broke me, Saagh. After Isaah died, I was shattered and you broke the pieces of me left too. Now I’m just a shell of someone I used to be.”

  She saw the hurt and shame on his face again. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it shut. She had made him speechless. She ignored him and headed into her apartment building.

  “El!” he called out again.

  He made no move to follow her, and he stayed frozen in the spot he was in. His legs refused to move, as if he was too shocked and too ashamed to chase her.

  Slowly, Elif disappeared around the corner of her apartment, and he was left staring after her.

  Chapter 29

  Elif came to the bar a quarter past nine.

  She came two hours later today, Kabir thought.

  “You didn’t come yesterday,” he said as he sipped his Red Bull.

  Elif ordered vodka.

  No more wine, he noticed.

  “I went home with a man yesterday.”

 
Kabir turned toward her, bewildered, a hurt expression in his eyes. “What do you mean?” he whispered.

  “I was in bed with a man last night,” she repeated herself staring at the wall in front of her.

  Kabir felt he was stabbed with a knife to his gut.

  It was unbearable.

  He felt his heart ache, and it tore again.

  A feeling he hadn’t felt since his fiancée left him. Overwhelming feelings of anxiety and panic spiked through his bloodstream. He felt his throat lodge, and he had a difficult time swallowing. The unsettling thought of her being with another man horrified him. He felt overwhelmed with the outside world around him, and he began looking for an escape.

  He excused himself and left the bar.

  Kabir was in the lounge where there was no one around. He sat down on the sofa and shoved his hands in his hair, resting his elbows on his knees. He felt the walls close in on him. He wanted to curl his hands into fists and punch right through them.

  He had difficulty breathing.

  With each breath he took, he forced himself not to hyperventilate. His mind searched for a way to escape the madness and chaos. His stomach pumped, and adrenaline pumped through his veins. He wanted to scream so loud. He wanted to roar his fear.

  He felt trapped in the darkness and felt caged with fear.

  He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up and saw Aryan standing there who had overheard the conversation. He was hovering over him with a worried expression.

  “You okay?” Aryan asked gently.

  Kabir shook his head no and let out a deep breath.

  The darkness enveloped him in a cold embrace, and he cringed from its icy touch. He wrapped his arms around himself in order to avoid the darkness from touching him.

  “Why don’t you tell her how you feel?”

  Kabir shook his head again. “I can’t. She doesn’t feel the same,” he choked out in a hoarse voice. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

  “What if she ruins you before?” Aryan asked softly.

  She already has.

  Aryan sat down next to Kabir until he calmed down. He placed a cold, glass of water in front of Kabir and made sure he sipped it. Kabir didn’t know how much time passed before he returned back to the bar with Aryan trailing after him. It didn’t feel like minutes had passed but more like an hour, an eternity.