by Beena Khan
Elif still sat in the same place, immobile. Her hands were carefully folded in front of her, as she stared at the wall of the bar. Her face was still wet with tears. He took the seat next to her and didn’t ask her any questions.
She was silent and didn’t speak to him.
It was as if she lost her voice.
Kabir didn’t know how long they sat there. He watched as people entered the restaurant and left, but she still remained mute. The time ticking felt exhausting, and he looked at her in wonderment. He imagined the silence was seeping through her pores, becoming one with her. He didn’t know how she was still sane after being silent for so long.
You can’t drink away your silence, Red.
The quietness grew deeper as silence hung in the air. He could hear his own steady heart rhythm. Even with the music playing around him, the silence between him and Elif was killing him inside. It wasn’t a peaceful silence, but it was eerily unnatural. The void of sound felt shallow to him.
He wanted to speak, but he needed to hear her voice first.
Suddenly, he glanced at the clock, and he noticed it was ten minutes past midnight. Three hours had passed, and she still hadn't spoken a word to him. He realized she wasn’t going to tell him anything so he moved from his stool.
He turned to leave, but a hand reached out and grabbed him, stopping him in his tracks. He glanced downward and saw Elif’s hand clasped around his wrist. He looked up at her, but she was staring at the wall in front of her.
“I didn't sleep with him. I ran away,” she said, breaking the silence.
Kabir closed his eyes in relief.
She speaks.
He expelled a breath in a whoosh and felt guilty for assuming the worst. He felt saddened by the fact that he had left her alone at the bar to deal with his pain when she was in pain herself. Realization dawned on him on how much she meant to him now.
I can’t imagine her with anyone else, he realized.
In front of them, Aryan heard Elif and looked on over sadly.
“His touch was so aggressive.” Elif’s body trembled as she remembered the night before.
Kabir moved toward her. “What did he do?” he asked in a dangerously low whisper.
Elif didn't reply to him. He turned her chin toward his.
“Tell me,” he urged her,
“He took my clothes off,” Elif said quietly. Kabir let out a hiss and breathed deeply through his nose.
“What else?” he asked in a low voice.
“He bit my neck. He bit me here—” Elif continued pointing to her chest. He glanced at the places she pointed out. There was a mark on her neck.
He wanted to know everything that man did to her, but he couldn’t possibly ask to see the marks.
“I’ll show you,” she whispered, as if hearing his thoughts. She looked up at him, and her eyes were empty, swollen from tears.
Kabir took her hand toward the lounge room and locked it behind him as they entered.
Elif pulled down her white dress, revealing a cotton white bra underneath. She pulled the bra down, exposing the marks on her flesh. He saw the partial hand prints. Kabir hissed a breath out. He wanted to reach out and touch her. His hand almost went out to touch her but stopped mid-way. Elif glanced at his sudden movements. Kabir noticed she looked afraid.
“Do the marks hurt?” he asked.
“Yes,” she whispered.
Kabir looked up at her and put her bra back in place, before pulling her dress up. “What else happened?” he asked as he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ears.
Elif leaned into his comforting touch and closed her eyes.
“He held my hips so tight. He was so heavy. I couldn’t breathe under him.” Her words were a mere whisper now.
Kabir had a hard time getting his breathing under control now. “Did you tell him to stop?” he asked, clenching his teeth.
Elif shook her head no, as a tear dropped down her face.
“It wasn't his fault. I just wasn't into it. I didn't tell him to stop. I didn’t push or shove him off,” she replied.
He moved toward her and wrapped his arms around her head, holding her tight to him. She reached her hands out to him urgently, as if she was starved for human warmth. She wrapped her arms around his back and bowed her head against his chest.
Kabir whispered against her hair, “Why did you take this step? You never talk to any guys here.”
“I wanted to forget everything,” Elif confessed quietly.
The accident.
Isaah.
“It’s okay,” Kabir whispered to her.
His hold on her was gentle, and he was afraid to hurt her. He knew that simply hugging her, holding her wasn’t enough.
I’m not enough for her, he realized.
She felt like a cocoon under his arms, her frail body was soft and warm as it melted and nestled against his. He felt the world stopped still on its axis. He held onto her until dawn, refusing to let go.
❖
Kabir dropped Elif home and walked her toward her doorsteps in the morning. He was worried about her and wanted to take her home safely.
“Are you going to be okay now?” he asked as she was about to head inside.
She nodded, offering a small smile.
A strand of hair fell upon her face, and he reached out to tuck it behind her ear. A habit he liked doing now. She leaned into his hand. He held her face in the palm of his hand for a few seconds before she turned away. She nodded at him as if to go, and she walked inside.
❖
Elif was inside her place and threw off her clothes in a hurry.
She walked naked toward the shower and turned on the water in full heat.
Her cold skin scorched under the burning water, turning pink. After a few seconds, she turned on the cold water, keeping the temperature warm but bearable. She leaned her head against the shower as the water poured down her back and her hair. She felt silent tears run down her face, mixing with the water.
It was difficult to differentiate between her tears and the shower water.
A constant memory kept playing in her mind. She kept hearing her words repeatedly in her mind.
You broke me.
Chapter 29
A week later
Kabir noticed Elif wasn't reading.
She was withdrawn and quiet today.
“You’re not reading today?”
“Not today,” she replied.
“Something happened again?” he asked curiously.
Elif shook her head and avoided any further questions from Kabir. She was silent for the remainder of the night.
❖
Kabir dropped her home again. He watched her as she made her way inside the apartment. After a few moments he left. She glanced outside her window and saw him.
Saagh.
Her eyes narrowed. What is he still doing here?
She watched him sitting on the bench near her building.
Does he think I’m going to come out? she wondered in amazement. She began putting on her jacket.
I don’t want to see him.
He really thinks I’m going to come out... because I totally will.
She shook her head at herself and went downstairs storming. She slammed her entrance door open, and Saagh glanced up in surprise at the noise. Elif charged at him and she wasn't happy.
“Why are you still here?!” she exclaimed, trying to calm her breath.
Saagh stood up and glanced at the floor. He looked up and offered a small smile. “I wanted to see if you were okay.”
Elif was unresponsive.
He tried again, “Who was that guy who dropped you off?”
“You wanted to see if I was still alive?” Elif asked, responding to his original question.
He looked up at her in shock, and then his expression changed into hurt.
“When did you become so bitter, El?” Saagh asked softly.
“Well, shit happens,” she replied.
He let out a deep sigh and looked at the surroundings around him. “You still drink.” Saagh wasn’t asking her, he was confirming something that was already true. “The reason you drink...the reason you’re still depressed, is it still because Isaah died or is it because of what I did?” Saagh asked, finding the courage to pose such a question.
“I miss Isaah every day,” she said.
“I do too.”
Elif laughed. “You hated him.”
“No. I wanted to but I realized I couldn’t. He was my other half before he was yours El,” Saagh replied, sadly.
Elif remained silent.
Saagh tried again, “You didn’t answer my question.”
Elif took a deep breath and admitted, “I started drinking because Isaah was no longer here, but it worsened after what happened between us, Saagh.”
“I never meant to hurt you El. I never meant to force you and cause you pain...” His voice trailed off, he sounded like a small child now. Elif almost pitied him.
He continued, “My apologies won’t mean anything but I've changed for the better. I have learned self-control.”
“What do you know about self-control?” She threw at him. “You were the knife that pierced my already broken heart. Now I’m skeptical about everything. I gave you from my soul freely, yet you felt so entitled to it all. You were so paranoid. Because of you, I have a hard time trusting people. I fucking hate you for that,” Elif shouted at him and then glanced down suddenly.
She noticed the wedding ring he was wearing. Her mouth dropped in disbelief, and she glanced at him in surprise. Her blood turned cold, and her arms hung limply by her side.
“You’re married?”
She was shocked.
What the fuck?
Saagh was silent, afraid of her reaction. Then he replied, “I met her almost seven months after you left.”
“And then you married her after fucking seven months? How do you get a happy ending when I’m such a mess?” Elif laughed bitterly and shook her head.
Saagh sighed, glancing at the ground as he let her vent and hurt him.
“You belong with your wife, not with me. What would she think?” she asked.
“She knows I’m here. She trusts me,” Saagh replied, sadly.
Elif crossed her arms over her chest and spat out, “Then she’s a fool, like I once was.”
Saagh was silent, and he let her words hit him with full force.
She turned toward her apartment and left him standing there once again.
Chapter 30
Kabir walked up to Aryan who was serving drinks to customers.
“When Elif comes, after three drinks, don't serve her more.”
“Got it, boss,” Aryan replied.
Elif came in five minutes later and noticed both men huddled together talking. “Were you gossip queens talking about me?” she asked.
Aryan grinned at her.
I missed her snarkiness, Kabir thought.
“Did you read any new books lately?” he asked cheerfully to lighten her mood.
She turned toward him. She wasn’t wearing makeup.
“No, I haven’t read a book in over a week.”
She gazed at the table in front of her.
Not a good sign.
He touched her shoulder gently.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly.
Elif turned her face toward him and didn’t reply. Her face was full of grief and sadness. He wanted to reach out and hold her again. He wished he could take her pain away.
Kabir reached for her hand and held on.
He sat with her all night long again.
❖
Kabir noticed over the next two days, Elif was silent during her visits to the bar. She didn't reply to his conversations and just drank.
He was dropping Elif home after a long night.
She was silent in the car, and she wasn't responding to him as he attempted to make conversation.
She hadn’t spoken throughout the night. She stopped wearing makeup. Her face was bare when she came to the bar. Kabir didn’t think it mattered, but it mattered that she used to wear makeup, and now she had suddenly stopped.
Small changes. She has severe depression, he realized.
Elif climbed out of his jeep and headed inside her apartment without a response to Kabir. He noticed she forgot her bag behind.
“Red,” he called out, but she didn't stop and only kept moving forward. He parked the car, and followed her slowly inside in order to return her bag. Her apartment was on the second floor. The door was unlocked as he went inside.
“Red,” he called out again.
There was no response again.
He peered inside, his hesitant movements slow.
The lights were turned off and only a lamp was on. He gazed around at the wooden tiles and the books scattered everywhere. He was gazing at her apartment interior, but then he saw her.
Elif sat on the couch, her head on her knees. Her knees were drawn up on the couch, and she had her arms wrapped around them. Kabir stared at her before he sat down next to her.
“Why did he have to die?” she asked him quietly after some time, tears pricking her eyes.
Kabir didn't know how to answer her question.
He felt helpless.
“Why did God take him away from me? I never did anything intentionally wrong in my life before. I studied, I prayed, I obeyed my parents. When my parents died, I was young. I was in pain and I was heartbroken, but I was able to move on after some time. Maybe because I didn’t witness their murder with my own eyes. I didn’t see their bodies afterward, my aunt wouldn’t let me. I saw Isaah die in front of me. I felt my baby die. I saw the blood running down my legs, and I knew I was miscarrying—” Elif stopped talking, her voice heavy as tears rolled down her face.
Kabir wrapped an arm around her as she cried in his arms.
Suddenly, she pushed him away. “It’s not fair! How do you grieve about a baby you never knew about?” she exclaimed in a loud voice. “How am I supposed to move on with my life? Maybe if God gave me something to live for. At least the baby, at least the memory of my marriage,” she yelled, her voice breaking. Her breathing became ragged.
Kabir remained silent.
“You know what’s the most fucked up thing right now?! You remember Saagh?!” she shouted, as she began to pace back and forth around her apartment.
Kabir looked up in surprise and hesitantly nodded, not moving from his place.
She swiped the tears angrily that ran from her face. “He came to see me a few days ago to see how I’m doing. He’s fucking married. How the hell does he get to move on after so much shit and I’m still stuck here?! How does he get happiness and I’m just…what about me? It’s not fair.”
Then, she began shoving things around the place. She knocked a cup over, and it fell to the ground. She threw whatever she could find on the floor: picture frames, pillows, and coffee mugs. She found a bat on the floor and in a quick movement, she broke her television screen.
Kabir’s eyes widened as he attempted to pull the bat away from her, but she began to swing around him. He stepped backward and watched her downfall. Elif destroyed everything she could find around her home, including her glass coffee table.
Then, the rush, the adrenaline she was feeling left her and she dropped the bat. She lost her newfound energy and sagged against the wall. Her backbone had the willpower of a dead snake now. She fell to the floor as her cries pierced the quiet room. The noise ripped through her heart. It was more than crying; it was a person sobbing who was drained of all hope, a person sobbing their heart and soul out. Her gasping wails echoed throughout her home.
The only person by her side today was Kabir who sat down next to her. He looked at the beautiful disaster in front of him.
Her skin looked pale, clammy, and blotched. Her eyes were scarlet and swollen from crying. She was unblinking and staring straight ahead as she cried.
His heart broke for her,
her cries agonized him.
She was a mess, and her insides were in chaos. He had to do something as he felt her sink deeper and deeper into the darkness. Kabir leaned in and wrapped his arms around Elif.
She attempted to push him off, but he was too strong. He held on tightly, and after some time, she gave in and collapsed over his lap crying. Her body automatically fell limp as if each limb weighed twice as much as it had before. She cried until there was nothing left of her but a raw emptiness in her.
Her heartache was like a wolf eating her chest, tearing its way toward her heart.
Kabir reached up to his own face and realized his own eyes were wet. He hugged Elif, and he held onto her for the remainder of the night.
Chapter 31
Elif returned to the bar and was drinking again.
Kabir noticed Elif was makeup-free, and her hair was in a loose bun again. She wore a gray long sleeve cotton shirt and blue jeans.
No more dresses, he realized. She wears darker colors now.
She stopped wearing dresses. She stopped wearing makeup. She stopped reading. She is drinking more heavily than before. She attempts to sleep with random strangers. She lashes out. She gets violent. She is spiraling out of control, Kabir began thinking as he thought of something to do to help her.
Kabir sat down next to her. “How are you?”
“What do you think?” Elif bit back quietly.
Kabir was silent for a few minutes. He took a deep breath and said, “It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hurt yourself this way.”
Elif turned her face away from him.
“If this is because Saagh came back into your life, you have to confront him. You don’t have to forgive him, but you need to confront him.”
She remained still.
Kabir continued to say the words he didn't have the courage to say when she lost herself that night, “You have lost a lot, you have lost loved ones. There is no reason to be ashamed of your grief, it takes courage. Courage to suffer alone with no support. I wasn’t there before when you suffered, but I'm here now. I will always be there for you, as a companion, as your support, as your friend. I care deeply about you, and you’re not alone. I'm here for you, whichever way you want me. Whichever way you’ll have me in your life. I pray to God that He gives you the strength to heal.”
