The Name of Red

by Beena Khan

  Elif turned around toward him, but her eyes didn't meet his.

  Kabir continued saying, “Isaah will forever live in your heart. This isn’t love anymore, Elif. This is an obsession, a recurring grief. Your soul shouldn’t feel so heavy.”

  He gave her a small smile and said, “Love is to be free. It makes your soul want to dance. A broken heart is one of the worst things in the world. When you meet new people, you begin handing out pieces.”

  He paused before adding, “A broken heart is similar to a broken leg. Your pain sometimes never really heals. It still hurts, but it grows on you. You limp, yet you still walk. You still dance. You still live. Dawn will still rise at the end of the night, and you will rise with it.”

  Elif looked up at him, her eyes dimmed with grief, and faintly smiled at him.

  He continued, “Think of it this way. Your painful memories were books with chapters, one chapter ends, the next chapter begins. In the end, you always find a blank page... It’s up to you what to imagine on those blank pages. You create your own life now. Find comfort in the pieces you have lost.” Kabir reached out and touched her hair gently. He smoothed her hair back across her scalp, repeatedly.

  Elif looked up at him. She rested her head on the table, and she closed her eyes under his comforting touch.

  ❖

  Elif was at home when her apartment bell rang and she made her way toward the door slowly.

  “Who is it?” she asked. There was no reply at the other end. She looked through her peephole to see who it was.

  Saagh.

  She sighed. “What do you want?”

  He only responded with one word, her name, “El.” His voice always got to her. Elif closed her eyes and leaned against the door. She almost felt Saagh lean against the door on the other side.

  “Are you going to beat me up?” she asked bluntly, still not opening the door.

  “Have I beaten you before?” he asked.

  “No, but you can be physically cruel,” she replied.

  “Take a chance this time. Carry a knife with you if you feel safer,” Saagh replied.

  Elif didn’t know if opening the door was a wise thing to do, but something possessed her. She wanted him to leave her alone. She remembered Kabir’s words that she needed to confront him. She opened the door and said, “I don’t need a knife. I learned how to kick ass now. Self-defense.”

  Saagh looked at her, shocked.

  “I didn’t realize what I did impacted you so much,” he admitted.

  She stepped aside so he could enter.

  He sighed and began saying, “I remember when we were close, I bit you so hard you cried.”

  Elif looked away at the images his words brought. The memories she had buried so deep within herself were brought to the surface.

  He continued saying, “I remember I held sexual power over you. I didn’t physically hit you, but I tried to dominate you with sex. I remember I forcefully came into your house and pinned you against the wall. I refused to let you go. I hurt you the worst way possible El.” He turned toward her. “I came to New York to apologize to you.”

  Elif was silent as she listened to him.

  “Will an apology fix everything?” she asked in a dangerously, low voice.

  Saagh shook his head no.

  “Why do you get to have a happy ending, Saagh? You moved on, and I’m still stuck here,” she said bitterly.

  “I'm trying to move on, but I still hurt, El.”

  “You hurt?!” she exclaimed with a loathsome look in her eye. “You don’t deserve happiness. Do you remember the first time we were intimate, and I accidently said Isaah’s name, you wouldn’t let me—'' She took a deep breath, embarrassed, and then she continued, “You punished me.” The memories of the pain, the abuse seeped in her mind like cold blood.

  Saagh looked away in shame.

  “I’m really ashamed, El, of what I did.”

  Elif was silent as she observed Saagh.

  He looked away, unable to meet her gaze.

  “Are you though? Are you really ashamed? You were my friend Saagh, my closest friend. Even the good moments we had are painful to think about. I wanted something good from our relationship but you used dominance, sexual dominance to inflict unwanted pain on me. You manipulated me instead of helping me. You wanted a cold war when I only wanted sweet love.”

  Saagh let out a frustrated sigh and began pacing back and forth around her apartment. “I have been here for a month, Elif. For a month. I have been trying to find you. You’ve changed your number. Your aunt refused to tell me anything. You didn’t keep in touch with any friends. I’ve been looking for you, El. I looked for you everywhere. I had to see you again, El. It’s hard for me to move on with my life without knowing how you’re doing.”

  I’ve been looking for you, his words echoed in her mind.

  “You did a pretty good job of moving on,” her voice laced with venom, as she nodded her head toward the wedding ring on his finger. She wanted him to hurt the same way she did.

  “Did you listen to anything I just said?” Saagh exclaimed.

  “No,” she replied. “What if I ruin your marriage for you?” She almost didn’t recognize her tone, her bitterness, her hatred.

  This is how monsters are made.

  Saagh narrowed his eyes in confusion.

  “What if I take off my clothes right now?” She smiled bitterly.

  She enjoyed seeing Saagh’s shocked facial expression as he took a step backward from her. She moved one step forward, and he took one step backward. She took one more step forward, and he stepped backward again. Elif smirked. She liked the adrenaline that rushed through her blood that made her heart beat faster. Saagh walked backward until he hit the couch legs, and he lost his balance falling on the seat.

  He stared up at her in disbelief... and disgust.

  Who is he to judge? He did the same thing to me.

  Elif began to take off her clothes. Only bra and underwear still remained on. She turned toward Saagh as she stood exposed only. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. His eyes swayed from her face, her neck, and downward to her breasts, hips, her legs, before reaching her face again.

  She liked his reaction, it egged her on.

  She hovered above him while he was on the couch at her mercy. He looked pathetic and powerless in front of her. She never realized a woman can defeat a man and have control over his emotions.

  She can decide when he can have her and when he can’t.

  “Why are you so surprised? It’s not the first time you've seen me naked,” she asked.

  “I’m married, El,” Saagh said, turning his face away from her, trying to regain his balance on the couch seat.

  She laughed. “Then, what the hell are you doing here? Isn’t this what you came for?”

  He glanced back at her with an expression full of hurt. “I’m loyal to her.”’

  Her.

  “Then leave. Leave right now if you’re loyal. Go to her. The door is right there.” Elif threw her head in the left direction.

  Saagh didn't move from his spot, and Elif inched closer to him and bent down to eye level. Her heated, angry blue eyes meeting his scared, green ones.

  Those eyes felt so familiar.

  His eyes dropped down to her cleavage that was exposed before he averted his gaze. She liked the control she had over him, as if he only existed for her pleasure, as if he was there to perform a function she required.

  “You’re not loyal, Saagh,” she began saying. “I’m almost naked in front of you. You’re still not leaving. You want to touch me. You crave to touch me. You still love me. You’re still looking at me...like you want me. The way you always have but never could have.”

  Saagh’s eyes turned angry at her. He looked upset.

  She wasn’t afraid anymore.

  “Do you want to hit me?”

  “Are you trying to tempt me?” he asked.

  “Have you really changed? You tried to se
xually dominate me before. Now I’m in control.” Elif crossed her arms against her chest. Saagh’s eyes were drawn to the sight. As she crossed her arms, her chest sprouted up more. Saagh was silent, his breathing heavier. She liked having power over him, a power he once had.

  Then she looked at Saagh.

  Really looked at him this time.

  She saw him struggle to take deep breaths. She saw him bite his lip. Then, she saw a man who was trying to save his marriage by avoiding her touch.

  She saw someone different... this time.

  She dropped her arms to her sides with a sigh. Her behavior was dehumanizing, and she didn’t like the power trip she just took treating him like an object to be used. She didn’t like it at all. She was trying to hurt a man who was already weak. She was using his love against her, just like he had once used her love against him. She couldn’t hurt someone the way they might have hurt her.

  Elif stepped back away from him, and softly said, “You should leave, Saagh. You’re right, you’re married. You’re loyal. You’ve changed. Now leave.”

  Saagh had enough, and he grabbed her arm pulling her toward him. Her chest slammed against his, and she glanced up at him in surprise.

  A realization dawned to her.

  I’m not afraid this time.

  He breathed hard through his nose. “Don’t play games with me, El. You don’t have to test me. This isn’t you.” He looked up at her, and her breath hitched. “I came here to see how you were doing and because I missed you. I missed you... so much—” his voice broke.

  He exhaled and continued, “When you left, it ruined me. I hated myself for what I did. I did better myself. I began taking boxing to calm the anger and hatred in myself. I’m a better person than before. If I was the same person I was before, you wouldn’t be standing in front of me.”

  Her eyes softened at him. “You should go.”

  “I missed you so, so much.” Saagh let go of her wrist that was in his hand and let it drop. He moved his hands, and gently placed his arms around her, tugging her closer to him.

  “You left me,” he said.

  “You hurt me,” Elif whispered.

  “I know, I’m so sorry.”

  “How come you didn’t come looking for me sooner?”

  “You made me promise not to come looking for you.”

  She gave him a small, sad smile. “You still came anyway.”

  “After several months, I was able to love again and marry,, but I couldn’t make peace with myself,” he said.

  “How come you didn’t wait for me?” she asked.

  He looked at her surprised. “Even if you would have forgiven me, would you have been with me?”

  Elif looked up at him and shook her head no. “It’s too painful,” she replied. “You and I are a disaster.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t think so. When you left Montreal, I lost all hope that there was still a chance between us. Even if you would have ever wanted to be with me again, I couldn’t. When I see you now, I remember all the bad things I did.” Saagh’s voice was low and filled with sadness at what could have been.

  “Was it hard to love again?” she asked.

  Saagh met her gaze and nodded. He moved toward her and she stepped backward, still holding him. Her back hit against the wall, and she looked up at him.

  “Am I supposed to take off the rest of my clothes? Will this be, I miss you sex?” she teased him.

  He smiled, and then lost his smile. “I can’t, El,” he said his forehead rested against hers.

  Elif gave him a sad smile. “I know. You’ve changed. Before, you would’ve done bad things.”

  “Bad things, huh?” he asked, teasing her.

  She simply nodded and wondered out loud, “It’s sad we never actually had sex.”

  Saagh burst out laughing, his arms shaking as he held her. He leaned down and kissed her softly on her forehead.

  Elif breathed a sigh of relief and closed her eyes. “We were best friends once.”

  “I know. I miss us. I love you, El. I always will. I want you to be happy. I want people to know the Elif I once did.”

  She leaned up and wrapped her arms around him. She felt Saagh’s arms tighten against her.

  “Have you met anyone recently?”he asked.

  She thought of Kabir. “Just friends,” she answered, resting her forehead against his chest.

  “Any special friends?”

  “His name is Kabir.”

  “Hmm, that guy who dropped you off, right? What does he have in common with Isaah that he’s still around?”

  “He likes books,” she replied.

  Saagh chuckled. “Yeah, that’s a big one.” He held onto her for a few minutes before pulling away. “I have to go.”

  “Why did you really come here?” Elif asked again.

  Saagh was silent for a few moments before he replied. “Closure. I needed closure, and so do you El. Keep in touch with me over the phone?” he asked.

  After some hesitation, she nodded.

  He kissed her on the forehead again before slipping out of her arms and turned to exit from her life.

  Chapter 32

  “How are you doing, Red?”

  She smiled at Kabir.

  “I'm better than before.” She took a deep breath and continued, “Saagh came to see me again. He apologized.”

  Kabir turned to look at her.

  “He didn’t hurt you this time, right?”

  She smiled and shook her head no. “I didn’t realize closure can help. I wish I had gotten closure from Isaah too.” Her voice was small and sad now.

  No, not again.

  “Pretend Isaah is here. Talk. Get your closure,” Kabir said.

  She looked up at him in surprise. “It’s not easy.”

  “Isaah is watching. Talk.”

  “Will this really help?” she asked in a quiet voice.

  “I won’t say anything, but think Isaah is listening to you. It will help you vent the feelings that you have hidden.”

  “Last time I spoke about my feelings, I went spiraling.”

  Kabir’s eyes dimmed. “Yeah, but this time you have closure from Saagh. Try getting closure from your husband. Let’s try.” He held his hands out to Elif who stared at him with wonder and hesitation.

  “How can you learn to heal if the past is a place you want to stay in?” he asked softly.

  Slowly, she lifted her hands from the table and reached for Kabir’s. He grasped her hands in his own gently but held on tightly. She looked up at him with her eyes filled with tears. The tears refused to drop.

  “Hi Isaah,” she said softly.

  Elif was silent for a few moments.

  He was afraid she wouldn’t speak and would pull away again.

  She glanced back at Kabir and said, “I miss you.” Her voice was so low, he had to strain himself to hear her. She was silent for a few seconds before she spoke up. “I’m sorry for letting you drive without your helmet.”

  She continued saying, “I should have pressed harder for you to wear it.”

  She asked in a small voice, “Will I ever see you again?”

  “Go on, he’s listening,” Kabir said, encouraging.

  Kabir noticed Elif’s breathing quickened and her face turned remorseful. “I’m sorry for killing our baby,” she whispered, her voice was ragged as a tear ran down her face.

  He reached out and wiped the tear from her face.

  “I wish I could hold you one last time Isaah, I wish...I wish I could see you again.”

  Kabir was silent.

  Elif continued, “You were my whole world, and then you left me. Watching you die was the most painful moment of my life.”

  He was listening as he let her speak.

  “I had seven years with you, and it still wasn’t enough.” She took a deep breath and continued, “I try to find you again in everyone I meet... In Saagh...In Kabir,” she admitted.

  Kabir’s breath hitched.

  “You were my
first love. I love you. I still love you to this day.” Her voice was breaking at that point, and he wasn’t sure if he should still continue this strategy.

  “I love you too,” Kabir replied in a low whisper.

  Elif looked up at him in surprise.

  Dammit.

  “Isaah would say he loves you too,” he said backtracking. He wanted to ask her what she meant when she said she tries to find Isaah in everyone she meets, but he was afraid of her answer.

  She looked down and whispered, “How much more do I have to mourn you before I say goodbye?”

  Kabir was saddened at the sight of her.

  “The memories of you have overstayed.” She looked Kabir dead in the eye and asked, “Is it okay for me to try to move on?”

  Kabir sucked in a breath and he hoped she didn’t notice.

  What is she really asking?

  She offered him a small smile and tilted her head to the left, studying him. “What do you think about Kabir, Isaah?”

  The actual Kabir grinned.

  Elif’s eyes beamed at him. “Yeah, he’s my closest friend. You would have liked him.”

  He smiled at her and reached out to tuck a tendril of her hair behind her ear. She stared at him before leaning in slowly and hugging him. She hugged him tightly, as if she didn’t want to let him go.

  Chapter 33

  At last, the snow that once came was gone.

  The air breathed warmly.

  The white blankets of snow had melted away. It was spring now, and the greenness of the lush grass appeared with their new growth. The leaves were growing again, and the flowers were rising from the earth and blossoming. The wild flowers that came were delicate and strong promising rainbows.

  The skies brought down fluid rains like tides reminded Kabir of that time Elif came drenched in his restaurant. He smiled at the memory. Even though the snow was gone, it couldn’t erase that winter night. Sometimes, the rain would fall gently, but other times it would splash against the windows.