The Name of Red

by Beena Khan

  “Look me in the eye, and tell me you don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he challenged her.

  Elif broke off his stare and sighed defeatedly.

  Then, she looked up and met his angry and troubled eyes. His face was crimson with fury. “Okay, why don’t we have a seat?” she asked gently, unwrapping his grip from her wrist. She took his hand and walked toward the lounge chair.

  Images of her taking his hand toward her bedroom came into his view before he brushed them off.

  “Go on, tell me the truth.” Elif sat down in front of him.

  Kabir gripped her lounge chair and pulled her toward him. She gasped as her knees were between his legs now. His arms rested on the sides, locking her in.

  Elif could see the specks of green in his angry, brown eyes. His eyes were different in a moment like this, more heated.

  His eyes held a promise I can’t accept, she thought.

  “Kabir,” Elif whispered.

  “You know, I’m crazy about you right?” he asked, finally admitting the truth.

  She gave him a small smile. “I think I had an idea.”

  “I want to be with you,” he admitted softly without any hesitation. He was sure of what he wanted, there was no doubt.

  She looked up at him, unsure of what to say now. She took a deep breath, and after a few moments she replied, “You want to be with a drunk, mad woman who has no will to live?”

  “You’re getting better. You can have a reason to live,” he said softly.

  Her heart softened at his love for her, at his devotion for her. She brushed his hair behind his ear.

  “I can’t live anymore.”

  She was rejecting him, and he didn't understand why.

  “Why are you so closed off to a chance at life again?” he asked sadly, gazing at her. He didn't know how to make her understand him, and it frustrated him.

  “Kabir, I know you have always protected me. You feel a certain way toward me. Love is complicated. It has given me happiness, but it also has caused me severe pain,” she said looking down.

  “I know I can’t be enough for you, but you have to let me help you. I know you’re strong, but you need support with your addiction. Your wounds are healing, but you're still refusing to move on. Let me help,” he pleaded.

  “I can’t,” Elif responded.

  Kabir was hurt by her words. “Then why were you jealous of Sabine? I’m not stupid.”

  Elif looked down at the floor before looking up at him, “It’s hard to imagine your attention on someone else besides me. It’s a natural reaction,” she admitted.

  Kabir’s soft expression changed to anger immediately, and he gripped her hand which was holding his. Cold words and anger warmed his thoughts.

  He asked Elif, “So you feel nothing for me? Okay fine...you want to be selfish and drown your pain with your alcohol addiction, but you’re one step away from death. You’re in incredible pain, and you need another coping mechanism. You need help. You need therapy and support. You can’t do this alone.”

  She sighed, and she moved away from her seat attempting to leave. He grabbed her hand and pushed her back onto the seat. She glanced at him confused.

  “You will listen to me. You honestly don't remember anything from the night I dropped you home? I felt you so close to me—” Kabir’s voice broke, and after a few moments, he confessed, “You’re the most amazing person in my life, and I can’t imagine my life without you.”

  Elif’s face flushed at Kabir’s words.

  She was seeing a side of Kabir she had never seen before.

  She looked at him and had to turn away from his strong gaze. He was staring so intently at her. She wished she could help him understand her side, and how romantic love had always damaged her emotionally and physically.

  Kabir continued on saying, “I remember your skin pressed against mine. I remember how you kissed me, multiple times, you don’t remember?” he asked softly, pressing his forehead against hers.

  Elif’s skin had turned pink, and she had goosebumps on her skin hearing him talk this directly about her. She saw the pain in his eyes, his desire, his love for her was evident in his eyes. He wasn’t the kind of person who was expressive with his words, but his eyes expressed so many emotions.

  She shook her head and whispered his name sadly. Elif’s heart broke at the sight of him crashing. A heart she didn’t know that could still beat with emotion again. Kabir looked defeated like a wounded dog. Elif wanted to reach out and lick his wounds.

  He squeezed his eyes shut.

  Resigned, he put his hands on her shoulders drawing her in. She was surprised at his touch. He said sadly, “You’re pining for a man who is gone, Elif. He is dead. Your husband is... dead.”

  She looked up sharply, and her eyes flashed momentarily.

  “If the pain of holding on is so heavy on your soul, you should let go,” he said as he moved closer to her. He pulled her toward him so fast, ignoring her protests. She fell against his lap. He wrapped his arms tightly around her. Her breathing quickened. She was above him as he stared up at her.

  “You’re infatuated, Kabir. It happens,” she whispered.

  “Infatuated?” He let out a bitter laugh. “I’m fucking in love with you, you stupid, drunken lunatic.”

  Her widened eyes looked at him, at his language, at his confession. “Is ‘drunken lunatic’ supposed to be a joke?” Elif asked in a small voice.

  He laughed, and then he stopped noticing her expression. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, a habit that he liked doing. “Of course, it’s a joke, my love. I would never throw that in your face.”

  She reached out and touched his hair in acknowledgement.

  “Can I hold you?” he asked softly.

  She looked down at him and nodded.

  He hugged her. He liked holding her against him. He felt safe in her arms. There was something about hugs, they were magical. He liked how his head felt against her chest, like how children felt with their parents.

  “Can I kiss you?” he asked this time, pulling away from her.

  His eyes turned heated again and different from his usual warmer ones. She didn’t answer and simply stared back at him. His gaze dropped to her lips that were parted and begging to touch his. He saw her stare drop to his lips, and he decided that’s it.

  Kabir knew what he was going to do.

  “You should try letting go, there’s freedom in letting go,” he said softly. He felt her chest rise against his, and he leaned up to capture her lips with his.

  Their lips were finally united.

  The moment his lips touched hers, everything else faded away. The world fell away. His lips weren’t hesitant and shy anymore but bolder and more confident. His eager lips parted her trembling ones, rougher against hers. He felt Elif’s muscles relax under his touch, and she kissed him back deeper and matched his intensity. He felt her moan in his mouth which sent tremors along his spine. Elif moved her hands through his hair, drawing a groan from him.

  Her scent was intoxicating him, his senses engulfing him. He felt her silky softness against his hard muscle. He wanted to be consumed by her. For a moment, he stopped kissing her. He pulled away and looked at her, letting her unravel before him. Her lips were moist, and her eyes were filled with desire and want.

  A smile crept to his face.

  Elif leaned in to kiss him again, but he purposefully leaned back. She leaned forward again, and he teasingly pulled back again. She let out a frustrated sigh, her mind setting off in a frenzy. Her fierce eyes looked like puddles. Her eyes narrowed at him just before she grabbed his shoulders and quickly leaned in attacking him before he could pull away, finding his lips again bringing the inferno. Her movements were like a starved cat craving for intimacy and contact.

  He suddenly lifted her up and placed her onto his lap. She yelped as she wrapped her legs around him tightly, and he began kissing her hungrily again. Their lips moving in perfect sync and becoming more intense by t
he second. His kisses grew greedier, his mouth getting harder and tighter against hers. She let out a long sigh, a wave of pleasure running through her body. He leaned to the right and bit her earlobe drawing a whimper from her. He began imprinting her jawline, trailing kisses to her shoulders. On her freckles.

  The freckles Kabir was obsessed with.

  He began placing kisses on her neck, her long neck which rocked backward exposing her further. He clamped his teeth down on her neck. She groaned as she dug her fingernails into his back. She let out a breathy sound. He continued leaving kisses over her neck and her bare shoulders. She gazed at him with hooded eyes, her hair like a velvet cocoon around them, enveloping them.

  His eyes were drawn to the slope of her breasts where he could see them poking out from her dress. He looked up at her, waiting for her to say no. Elif just looked at him and breathed heavily. His hands found her bottom, and lifted her closer to him. She moaned against him, moving against him, unstoppable.

  Reluctantly, Kabir pulled away from her and pressed her forehead against his. They both were left breathless. He gazed at Elif who was still clutching his shirt.

  “You know how long I have wanted to do this?” he whispered, his voice heavy. He reached down and pulled her bra and dress back up.

  Elif slowly opened her eyelids and looked up at him. Their foreheads still touched. She took deep breaths to resume her breathing to normal. For a few minutes, they stayed like this. Breathing each other’s air. Their heartbeats pounding. They stayed like this holding each other until their heartbeats slowed down.

  Elif leaned back from him and without meeting his gaze, she whispered, “We can’t. We can’t do this again.”

  Kabir was afraid he misheard her. He felt she was speaking in a language he didn’t understand.

  Is she seriously still saying that?

  He breathed out a shaky breath. “I don’t understand. I just kissed the hell out of you. I told you I love you. I poured my heart out to you. You weren’t saying this for the past ten minutes. You kissed me too, Elif. One minute you’re hot. The next minute you’re cold. Why are you confusing me?” he asked.

  Elif shook her head and repeated, “Azizam, we can’t…I can’t.”

  “You can’t, right? But that doesn’t mean you don’t want to?”

  She looked up at him before turning her gaze downward. He grabbed her arm toward him, and she looked back at him in surprise. His newfound confidence caught her off guard.

  “If I hadn’t stopped, would you have kept kissing me?” he asked.

  She looked away, unable to meet his gaze. She looked up again and said, “You can’t tame a lost soul.”

  Kabir shook his head. He let out a sad smile. “You don’t know how to love me, but I think it’s safe to say I’m addicted to you, and you’re equally addicted to me.”

  He pulled away from Elif, removing her from his lap. He let out a sigh as he fixed his hair and shirt and headed back inside, struggling to walk on his limp legs.

  “Kabir, wait, there’s something I haven't told you—” Elif tried to grab him, but he slipped out of her hands. Not once did he glance back at her.

  Now, she was left licking her wounds—of losing a companion she was seeking.

  Chapter 42

  Elif still sat on the couch after Kabir left. She didn’t know how long she had been sitting there. It felt like hours, but she knew only ten minutes must have passed.

  I can’t believe he kissed me like that. He didn’t listen to me this time, she thought.

  She chuckled, as she touched her bruised, pink lips.

  The smile left her face as she realized.

  He needs to stay away. We can’t have anything romantic between us. It’s too late.

  She made an effort to rise up on her jelly legs. She felt as if she aged in the past twenty minutes, and her thoughts drifted in and out.

  He has a strong effect.

  She managed to rise and made her toward the direction Kabir went to explain her side of the story. She stopped mid-track in movements as she saw a small figure in the doorway. The figure stepped forward from the darkness and made their way toward Elif.

  Nadia.

  Nadia looked heartbroken, her head hung down. She looked up, and Elif watched as her expression changed. She gazed upon Elif in anger and betrayal.

  Did she see what just happened?

  Elif rubbed her forehead, a headache beginning to form in her head.

  “Nadia, I—”

  Nadia cut her off, “You almost had me fooled.”

  Elif looked up at her in surprise, narrowing her eyes in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “You pushed me toward Kabir. You made me feel like I was on top of the world, now I'm drowning in the bottom of the pit. I thought you and I were friends, and I find you guys kissing like there’s no tomorrow.”

  Elif was taken back by her harsh words, and flinched.

  I deserve it.

  “I’m sorry Nadia. I meant well. I didn’t realize Kabir felt so strongly about me.”

  “But you did know, Elif!” Nadia raised her voice at her.

  Elif shook her head. “I thought it was just a crush and that it would pass. He knew, from the beginning I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I didn’t mean to lead him on intentionally. It’s just my personality. I didn’t even talk to anyone.”

  “You walked in here like you were the center of attention. You always wore short dresses and makeup. You were always flirting,” Nadia accused her.

  Now, Elif was angry. “I wear the ring of my dead husband on my collar. That’s enough to let someone know I’m not flirting,” she said touching her neck. “You don’t have to tear down my character so you can feel better, Nadia.”

  Nadia glanced at the floor in regret. She looked like she wanted to apologize, but she was too angry, she was too upset. Elif realized Nadia needed to lash out, and her heart went out for her.

  “He said he loves you!” Nadia shouted. “I wish he felt that way about me.” Nadia had a tearful expression on her face, Elif was afraid she would break down any moment and looked down sadly at the floor.

  “Do you love him too?” Nadia asked in a small voice.

  Elif looked up directly at her, her eyes widening.

  “I-I...”

  She was speechless once again.

  “Are you playing games with his heart?!” Nadia asked angrily. “That man is in love with you.”

  Elif’s eyes widened at Nadia’s interrogative gaze. She shook her head furiously. “How can you say that? No, I would never hurt him like that.”

  “Then why not be with him? You guys would be the perfect couple. I would give anything to be what he wants.”.

  “My life is complex,” Elif simply responded. “He knew that from day one.”

  “If you give him a heartbreak, he won’t be able to take it. He’s already suffered enough with Wafa,” Nadia warned her.

  Elif smiled sadly. “He won’t suffer because he will have you to take care of him. You will be there. I know you’ll support him.”

  Nadia looked at her in confusion and opened her mouth to speak, but Elif walked past her in a hurry picking up her pace.

  Nadia had overheard the conversation between Kabir and Elif.

  She heard everything. She witnessed them kissing, and it broke her heart. Her heart was unexpectedly broken, yet again.

  It felt like death this time.

  She felt as if something was choking her and was dislodged in her throat. That pain was nothing like she had encountered before. She dug her nails deeply into her hands, wanting to wipe that memory away. Her palms felt sore and burned at the touch. The echoes of the love she felt for Kabir rang in her ears. Tears rolled her cheeks as she walked, staining the cement. They ran from her eyes to her mouth as they dripped down her chin. She hastily wiped her tears.

  She was focused on something else.

  She had to find Kabir.

  Her head was heavy with thoughts of
him.

  Nadia stepped outside and she knew where to find him. He was one block away at the park, at a spot he often came to think. She found him sitting down, smoking a cigarette . It hung immobile in his mouth. She took a seat next to him, and they sat in silence.

  “I saw what happened. Elif doesn’t love you, Kabir,” Nadia said softly. “What happened between you two?” she asked curiously. She didn’t mean to pry, but she had overheard Kabir’s words.

  I remember how you kissed me, multiple times.

  I remember how you felt underneath me.

  “She was drunk as usual. She came onto me. I kissed her, and she kissed me too, now she’s confusing me by saying no,” Kabir said in frustration, shutting his eyes tight.

  “Maybe, she doesn’t feel the same way.”

  Kabir knew that wasn’t true.

  Elif kissed him.

  She wanted him too.

  Kabir didn't want to believe his relationship with Elif was only one-sided.

  He didn't respond and smoked quietly.

  Nadia stared at him for a few minutes.

  She took the chance and said, “Kabir, I love you.”

  She confessed a secret she never dared to tell anyone before, not even to her twin brother Samar.

  You’re my first friend, my best friend, my love, my everything.

  Kabir stopped mid-way of inhaling his cigarette . He turned his head to Nadia and stared at her in shock, caught off guard.

  Nadia took a deep breath. “I've always loved you since we were children. You’re my childhood best friend, my first love. Why are you pining for a woman who doesn’t even want you?” Nadia exclaimed at Kabir in fury, stomping her foot in anger.

  “Since when?” he asked.

  “Since what?” she asked, her head beginning to feel heavy. Her breath coming out in fast breaths.

  “Since you loved me? You never mentioned this to me before,” he said.

  Nadia broke her gaze from him and stared at the ground.