The Name of Red

by Beena Khan

  She put her hands on the bench and turned toward him.

  Kabir took a deep breath. “Your eyes are amazing, not just the color of your eyes, but I like when your eyes look at me, as if they stare in my soul.”

  Her breath hitched, but she didn’t say anything.

  “Your love for reading was the second reason I noticed you.”

  “That’s why I noticed you too,” Elif confessed, looking at the ground.

  This time, Kabir’s breath was caught. He cleared his throat, and he continued. “Your voice gives me butterflies in my stomach, which sounds cheesy, but hey, I’m a romance novels fan,” he said, shrugging.

  She smiled at him.

  “You don’t judge others for the mistakes they make. You didn’t judge me,” he continued.

  She was still gazing at him.

  “You respect me and everyone equally.”

  She nodded at him, as if to go on.

  “You have a pure soul. Your soul is the most beautiful thing about you,” he said. Now she fully faced him as she stared at him, still listening.

  “You have a beautiful heart.”

  Her cheeks pinked slightly.

  “You’re one of a kind, you’re kind.”

  Her eyes lowered to the ground.

  Kabir took a deep breath. “I look at you, and I can't breathe.”

  Elif’s eyes shot up at him, her mouth slightly open. She looked stunned by his confession.

  “You wake up a side of me that I didn’t know I still had.”

  “You do the same to me,” she replied.

  His cheeks pinkened.

  “You bring me a joy that I lost a long time ago,” he said.

  She was still listening to him.

  “You used to drink. You were an alcoholic, but I find you strong after your recovery. It’s not easy to be sober.”

  Elif grinned at him. “I’m kinda dying so it’s easier to be sober.”

  Kabir narrowed his eyes, and opened his mouth to argue but then clamped it shut. He didn’t want to ruin the moment. He shed his anger aside and instead said, “You have always brought out the best in me and the worst too.”

  “I do,” she said nodding.

  They both shared a smile.

  “Your spirit is unlike anyone else,” he said.

  Elif leaned back on the bench making herself comfortable as she listened.

  “You’re so honest, and you don’t give a damn about what people think. You speak your mind.”

  She grinned at him.

  “You shut out everyone else, and you let me in. You opened up to me,” he said.

  “You must feel so special,” she commented,

  He narrowed his eyes at her. Then with a smile, he said, “You glow brighter than any star in the sky.”

  “Aww.” Elif had a look of adoration on her face.

  “You offered me a helping hand and let me help you in return.”

  Elif lifted her hand and pretended to give it to him. He laughed at the gesture and clasped her hand in his.

  “You have an open mind. Your mind is beautiful.”

  He began tracing the lines of her palms with his fingertips in slow, soft strokes. He felt her shiver under his touch. Kabir took a deep breath before finishing his last reason, “You helped me realize that it’s okay to fall in love again.”

  He didn't look over to her. He didn’t have the courage to see her facial expression, even though he felt her gaze. Her hand that he held was shaking.

  “That was twenty-one reasons actually,” Elif said in a soft voice.

  He was still looking at the ground. “You counted?” he asked, surprised. He felt her lean in closer in response, and she rested her head on his shoulder, entwining her arm in his. The weight of her head was on his shoulders, and he allowed her to sink him into oblivion.

  Chapter 49

  They were at the shore now.

  Kabir closed his eyes, in a way that appeared to be restful.

  He let the sea spray against his face gently, and he inhaled the salty air around him. The gentle waves lapped at his bare feet creating a soothing sound. His soul felt calm when he was with Elif, and he felt a joy in her company. As he stood on the beach, the waves rolled in as they tickled his feet

  “Do you know how to swim?” she asked, interrupting his thoughts as she looked onward to the beach water.

  He opened his eyes. “Yeah, do you?”

  “I do.” Then without a warning, she shoved him into the water, drenching him. Kabir sputtered water before trying to regain his balance. He looked up at her in shock. Elif was busy laughing in delight at his current state.

  He narrowed his eyes at her before smiling devilishly. Elif lost her smile as she realized what his next move would be.

  “No, no no!” She tried to move away quickly, but he reached out and pulled her arm down with him. Now they both were drenched. Elif turned sharply at him, shocked, and then she laughed.

  They took turns shoving each other into the water.

  They were deep in now.

  Kabir flicked the water, sending droplets scattering over the surface. He wanted to stay in the water all day with her. He watched as she swept her wet hair behind her ears. She was so close to him. He could see the water drops on her lips and as she blinked, her eyelashes flicked off water.

  If God was real, she was his masterpiece.

  She was created with such art and precision, it was hard not to look at her.

  Elif looked up and Kabir staring at her. She splashed him, but he clasped her wrist with his hand and drew her close to him. She stopped laughing as she peered up at him. Without thinking, she reached up with her free hand to wipe the glistening droplets from his forehead. Her eyes were brighter underneath the sun, and they glistened.

  He moved toward her as he dropped her wrist. Kabir placed both of his hands on her jawline. Her full lips were open, and her eyes widened at him.

  He leaned forward, but Elif pulled away. She distanced herself and began to move to the shore.

  Kabir stared after her, hurt.

  ❖

  During the ride home, they didn't speak to each other.

  ❖

  Kabir avoided conversation with Elif unless it was needed to speak.

  “You’re upset with me?” she asked him one day.

  He ignored her. He felt a warm hand on his own. He glanced down at her hand that was placed on top of his. He pulled away, bristling at her touch.

  She narrowed her eyes at him, her expression hurt.

  “Is this because of what happened at the beach?”

  He remained silent.

  “Kabir, talk,” she demanded.

  He glanced at her, annoyed.

  “You refuse to talk about anything with me whenever something happens, and then you expect me to talk to you?” His voice was louder than she had heard before.

  Elif tilted her head, as if pondering on how to answer his question. She sighed and licked her lips. She moved toward him and wrapped her arms around him.

  She’s hugging me, he thought. His eyes widened, and he tried shoving her off, but she wouldn’t budge.

  “I’m talking now,” Elif gazed up at him.

  Kabir refused to respond to her or look at her. He wanted to give her the silent treatment. Then, Elif did something unexpected. She climbed onto his lap. His eyes were ready to bug out of his eye sockets. He stared at her, caught off guard.

  Her ivory skin looked so fragile yet soft. He wanted to reach out and trace her face with his fingertips. Her cheeks were the color of pink roses. He snapped out of the trance, and his eyes narrowed. His eyes were filled with anger now. Under his harsh gaze, she looked so small and flinched.

  “Do you think this is fair? You can come close to me whenever you want, and pull away, but when I want you, you run away,” Kabir replied angrily, trying to push her off again.

  I want you. Elif repeated his words.

  She refused to budge and held onto his shoulde
rs tightly. She looked him dead in the eye. “I’m not running anymore.” She took a deep breath and continued, “I was afraid before, but I’m not anymore.”

  “Afraid of what?” he asked her, frustrated.

  She smiled sadly. “I was afraid to get close to anyone when I was living, but then I stopped being afraid. Then, I was afraid again to get close to anyone when I found out I was dying.”

  Elif reached up and took off her shirt in one swift moment.

  Kabir took a gulp of air as he gazed at her. His eyes dropped to her long neck and then to her full breasts. She was wearing a pastel blue bra. Her breasts were pushed together, and as she leaned forward, they rubbed against him. She reached up and tugged off the ribbon on her hair. Her hair came tumbling down, falling on her skin, and framing themselves around her.

  Sheesh, he thought.

  Kabir wanted to reach out and touch her but he hesitated.

  “Do you have any idea what you’re doing?” he asked, his voice shaky. His hands slacked by his sides.

  Elif looked up at him and leaned forward.

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  She slowly pushed the straps of her bra down. She watched Kabir’s eyes get heated, and his breaths came out shallow, as if he had trouble breathing.

  After a moment, he asked, “What does all this mean?”

  “It means, I want to make you happy,” she replied. ”Doret begardam.”

  Kabir closed his eyes . “What does that mean now?”

  Elif smiled. “It means, I want to circle around you. The way your life revolves around me.”

  His eyes snapped open. He was quiet before asking, “What about your happiness?”

  “My mind can’t find solace in isolation anymore, it’s a very lonely, lonely feeling,” she admitted, her shoulders shuddering against his body. “My happiness comes from you now,” she whispered, her eyes watery. “If you’re happy, it makes me happy.”

  “Elif, you don’t have to do this. You don’t owe me anything,” he said softly. He still wasn’t touching her.

  “I want to, Kabir,” she admitted. “I owe you my life. To baa'es mishi keh man bekhaaham aadam-e behtari baasham.”

  “What does that mean now?”

  “You make me want to be a better person,” Elif whispered as she gazed at him.

  She reached up and kissed his forehead, his cheeks, and his nose, while still whispering in the language Farsi. Kabir breathed deeply under her touch. He grabbed her waist as he sat up now. She was surprised, and almost fell backward, but he held onto her. He stared deeply in her eyes, pulling her closer to him. Her chest brushed against his. Their foreheads touched each other. Elif’s breathing was getting heavier, her breaths coming out in quick bursts.

  Kabir could hear her heart beating loudly through her chest. Her heartbeat was like a drummer, refusing to quiet down. It echoed in his ears.

  Is her heart doing a tango like mine did for her once? he thought.

  “I really want to tie you up for some reason,” Kabir thought out loud. The mood lightened, and Elif burst out laughing, leaning back from him.

  A hurt expression appeared on his face. “It’s not funny.” His voice sounded like a small child.

  “Were you not claustrophobic?” Elif asked, still laughing.

  Kabir narrowed his eyes at her. “Don’t laugh at me.”

  “You like helpless women?” she teased him laughing. His eyes darkened, and then he pinned her arms behind her back. She lost her smile, her breath caught in her throat.

  In a low, threatening voice, Kabir asked, “You were laughing at me?” Elif peered up at him, remaining silent now. They stared at each other for some time, refusing to break eye contact with one another.

  “Are you going to kiss me now?” she asked softly.

  His eyes dropped to her soft, pink lips. Her lips were full and wet. They were glossy even in the light of the fading night.

  “No,” he said.

  Elif’s face fell.

  Kabir pulled her off of him, handing her shirt back and he walked away.

  She stared at his back, this time she was breathless.

  Chapter 50

  Kabir didn't visit Elif anymore.

  “Why did you pull away from me?” she asked him, visiting him one day.

  “I don’t want you to think you owe me anything. I’m sorry if I made you think that,” Kabir replied.

  She grabbed his hand and replied angrily, “You never once told me how you felt until recently. Now, when I want to be close to you, you’re turning away from me.”

  I want to be close to you. Elif’s words echoed in his mind.

  Kabir looked away from her and moved toward the window. He put his arm on the window sill and gazed out. The night was a black tranquility filled with stars, and the moon looked beautiful and serene. It was a special kind of darkness, the one that hugged you until dawn providing comfort. It was like a velvet blanket that provided comfort and kept you safe. Near his bedroom window, he saw the tips of the trees.

  The season was changing and fall was coming.

  Elif was the fireworks in this velvet, starry dark. She was the blaze that dared to light up in the night.

  He felt her next to him.

  They were silent for some time before Elif spoke.

  “Do you remember when you dropped me home that night, when I asked you—” Elif swallowed hard before continuing, “Do you remember, when I asked you do you love me? Because I remember,” she whispered.

  Kabir turned sharply toward her, shocked she remembered the details. He remained mute, unable to process what she just said.

  “I can’t be someone you care about more than anything else in this world. I’m not good for you. You need to move onto someone better than me eventually,” Elif said, her voice breaking.

  Kabir still remained quiet, inhaling and exhaling only.

  “You won’t say anything?” she asked quietly. `

  He didn't respond.

  “Do you want to sleep with me?”

  Kabir shook his head. “No.”

  That’s not what I want, he thought.

  “Do you want to make love to me?” Elif rephrased the same question differently. His face turned sharply toward her, desire in his eyes. It was clear in his eyes. He had thought about it a million times, he didn’t just want her physically, he wanted her in every way possible.

  Emotionally, romantically, spiritually.

  “Will it bring you closure?” Elif asked him gently.

  She moved toward him and held his hand in her hand.

  “Kabir,” she whispered, touching his shoulder.

  He refused to budge this time.

  “Kabir, look at me.”

  He turned toward her.

  “I was too drunk to give consent that night, but I’m sober now.”

  Kabir took a sharp intake of air. He couldn’t believe his ears.

  She continued saying, “I can’t see you wasting your life away for me. You have so much more to live for, so much more love to give to the right person who needs it.”

  “Is it so easy for you to say this?” Kabir asked, his voice rugged.

  “No, it’s not. I’ve never been with anyone else after his death.” Elif’s voice was so low, Kabir wondered if she was remembering her husband’s death.

  “You can be the last person I’ve been with. I can give you a special privilege. A small happiness, but he will always be my first,” she said as her voice began getting heavy with grief. “My life is his, until the day I die. I had a marriage, I loved him so much—” Her voice broke at the word loved.

  She continued saying, “I took vows. I will honor them until my last breath. He was the love of my life. I can’t give you my heart and soul because I gave those parts of me to him. When he died, those parts died with him too.” She had tears running down her face now, and she hastily brushed them away.

  Kabir turned to look at her and his heart broke for her. She had the saddest expres
sion on her face.

  “I never thought I could love someone again, but then I met you,” she confessed and looked up at him and smiled, her eyes welling up again. “I don’t love you just as a friend. It’s deeper than that. People can still love someone another way.”

  She took a deep breath and continued, “I don’t want to give you just closure. I want this... for myself too. I want you too,” she admitted. “How can someone not fall for you? Any woman would be crazy not to.”

  She wants me, he realized.

  His breathing became heavy upon hearing her words. He didn’t have a response to her confession. To distract himself, he abruptly touched her pink nose.

  “Your nose is like Rudolph’s now,” he said, his voice laced with amusement.

  Elif glared at him. She slapped his hand and walked away. He stopped her by grabbing her wrist. She glanced down at his hand before looking back up at him. She raised her eyebrows in question.

  “When I see you cry...I feel a part of me breaking,” Kabir said as he wiped a tear from her face.

  He closed the distance between them and moved toward her.

  Her eyes widened and soon, he was in front of her.

  His expression was fiery as he reached up and touched the strand of hair that had fallen on her face. Kabir gazed down at her beautiful face. Her soul shined through her beauty, even though she believed her soul was dead. He was selfish but he wanted all of her. He liked the way she looked at him, a feeling he wasn't used to. She seemed to be fascinated by him and his fingers. He ran his fingertips from her silky hair to her jawline, the way she did to him once.

  He was hesitant when he touched her lips. He first traced her upper lip before tracing her lower lip. She took a sharp intake of air, and her breathing quickened. Kabir could feel the cool air of her breath on his skin.

  The control has reversed. You made me powerless before.

  He was in charge, and he liked it.

  At this moment, his anxiety disappeared, replaced with a confident man he didn't recognize. Although, he did feel his heart beat faster than before. He held her face between his hands, just like she held his before. There was a tenderness and gentleness in his touch.