The Name of Red

by Beena Khan

  “All that tip toeing around you. I can’t believe this is happening,” he whispered.

  Kabir couldn’t believe Elif really wanted this. He liked how her face flushed pink, and she looked away from him before gazing up at him shyly. He was obsessed with her in a way he had never felt about any other woman.

  His gaze dropped toward her lips, and he hovered his above hers. Her nose touched his, her lips almost touching his. They were breathing the same air now. He leaned in to close the gap between them and gently pressed his lips against hers. Elif was tall in height, but Kabir still towered over her. She was surprised at first but responded toward his kiss. He grabbed the back of her head as his fingers glided through her hair. He deepened the kiss and pulled her waist toward him. She responded with the same intensity he felt. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held onto him.

  Finally, he realized.

  He grabbed her legs and wrapped them around his waist, still kissing her. He moved toward the bedroom and placed her down on the bed.

  She looked up at him in surprise.

  Kabir’s pupils dilated. The sight of her took his breath away.

  He moved down on top of her.

  “Are you sure?” he whispered to her.

  “Yes,” Elif responded, pulling him down on top of her. Their foreheads pressed together now.

  “I don’t need a pity fuck.” Kabir moved backward, glaring at her and throwing daggers through his eyes.

  Elif laughed. “That’s the second time I’ve heard you used the word fuck. It’s hilarious, and it’s not a pity fuck...You should pity the drunk instead who wants to have sex with you.”

  “You’re so silly.”

  “Whatever.” She turned her cute nose in the air.

  She began to jab him in the chest again with her sharp nails. He grabbed her hand and gave small kisses on them, trying to bite her fingertips. She watched him from underneath, smiling. He pulled her up and took off her shirt. Then, her jeans came off. He didn’t rush this time like he had previously. He wanted to savor the moment that he might never see tomorrow. She was wearing a matching nude bra and underwear set.

  For a drunk, she sure was careful about her matching garments.

  He stared at her as she sat exposed in front of him.

  Elif watched as he watched her.

  There was desire in his eyes. They were rogue and smokey. There was no smile on his face as he stared at her with hot intensity. She wanted to cover her breasts, but she didn’t want to take anything away from him at this moment, so she let him appraise her and admire her. She gave him permission to do so.

  He began kissing her again.

  He left kisses on her forehead, her cheeks, her freckled nose, her chin, and finally he caught her lips. He turned her over on her chest and unhooked her bra. He ran his fingertips on the spine of her pale back, and Elif felt goosebumps rise on her skin. The goosebumps on her skin weren’t from the cold since winter was long gone. They were from his touch. She arched her back against him.

  Kabir threw her bra on the floor.

  Elif turned her head backward and glared up at him. “I love that bra.”

  “Yeah well, I love you,” Kabir shot back, turning her over to face him as he stared at her dead in the eye.

  His shy boyhood isn’t here anymore, Elif thought.

  She wondered who abducted her shy Kabir and replaced it with this bold and confident one.

  Kabir took off his own clothes, and this time Elif stared up at him. She sucked in a sharp breath as she took in his lean and muscular body. She gawked at his physique like a high school teenager. The moonlight hit every muscle on his torso making his tanned, olive skin so tempting to touch. Her body edged closer to his as her eyes caught the sight of his tattoo that she had always been curious about. She began to trace his chest with his fingertips.

  “You have her name tattooed?!” Elif exclaimed, her fingertips tracing a tattoo of a rose which said “Wafa.”

  She felt him shiver.

  Now that she saw it up close, it was faded and lightened as if he had tried to remove it surgically before.

  He found her lips again. “I don’t want to talk about her.”

  Elif broke away from the kiss.“Oh my god! You tattooed the name of your fiancée on your chest?!” She was shocked, as if she didn’t expect it from him. Then, she began to laugh loudly.

  She continued, “When I met you the first time, and I saw your tattoo, I was surprised. I thought you might be a bad boy, but all this time, you tattooed a girl’s name on your chest. What a softie. I should have known.”

  She began to laugh even louder, her whole body shaking underneath him.

  Kabir was focused on her laughter. It was like a song to his ears. The melody was getting louder by the second. He ignored her words and tried to kiss her again, but she wouldn’t let him.

  He sighed. “I did one session to remove it. I still have to remove it completely.”

  “Where is my tattoo?!” Elif whispered urgently against his lips.

  Kabir smiled at her and bit her lip.

  Elif pushed him back, whispering, “Can I be the ink on your skin?”

  He glanced up, surprised at her statement. He leaned down and pulled on her hair. “You’re pulling my hair. That’s your kink?” she whispered against him.

  Bondage isn’t your kink? Kabir smiled at the memory.

  He trailed kisses down her neck until he found her full breasts. “You have no idea what I wanted to do to you all this time,” Kabir whispered.

  Elif ginned. “You want to do bad things to me, I know.”

  He took the dusky pink nipple between his thumb and index finger and tugged gently. She lost the smile automatically, her breath caught.

  “Now laugh,” he said, with a grin.

  Her skin flushed in response to his touch and his words. There was a vulnerability in Elif’s eyes as Kabir stared at her naked form, a vulnerability that he couldn’t resist. His eyes traveled from her collar, to her neck, then to her breasts. Without the lingerie, her breasts were more natural, lower, but still perfect. He didn’t want to linger too long at her form, because she was more than her body. He let his hands do the talking then.

  “I love these too,” he whispered, and cupped her soft breasts in his hands. They fitted perfectly. Her nipples grew hard under his touch. That’s when Elif moved her hand to cover herself, but Kabir stopped her movements.

  “Don’t act like I haven't seen you naked before,” he teased.

  “I still had my underwear on that night.”

  He shook his head at her, then he took her nipple in his mouth one by one pulling her closer toward him. She pulled at his hair in response, drawing him in. His eyes were drawn to the long, jagged scars on her shoulder and stomach which covered two inches of her skin. She tried to cover her scars with her hands, but he pushed them away.

  “Let me see,” he said softly.

  Elif put her hands to her sides as Kabir gazed at her. She sucked in a breath as he began placing small kisses on her scars. Kabir felt her shiver beneath him, her body trembling.

  “These scars remind me of little stars,” he whispered against her skin.

  Her breathing quickened as he did things to her body. He kissed her all over her body, giving her bite marks in every place he could find, refusing to let any part of her go untouched and unkissed.

  He couldn’t get enough of her.

  He nipped at her fiercely and with an urgency he hadn’t felt in a while. She yelped as he continued biting her. She dug her fingernails into his back. He raised his head to look her in the eye.

  Elif licked her lips nervously, and Kabir’s eyes were drawn to that small movement. In a soft voice, she said, “I haven’t had sex in three years. Isaah was the only one.”

  He softly, smiled at her vulnerability. Her cheeks were blooming like pink roses, the color was cute against her freckles.

  “Wafa was my first and last too. I haven’t been with anyo
ne besides her,” Kabir confessed out loud and placed a kiss behind her ear. He looked down at Elif who was shocked by his admission.

  He began nipping her ear, her body squirmed at his touch, but her muscles relaxed under him. He touched her throat and asked, “Do you want me?”

  She stared up at him and nodded.

  After some hesitation, she leaned up and bit his lower lip. She whispered, “I didn’t know something good could come out of so much pain. I didn’t expect to meet you, azizam.”

  With a smile, Kabir replied, “When I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful person to exist in this world.”

  Elif smiled at him.

  He continued, “I knew you were the woman who will change the way I look at life because you have the kindest and the most beautiful soul. Your spirit is unlike anyone I've come across. You just live. You don’t judge. People live with envy and hatred, and then, there is you. There’s no looking back now. Now you’re here with me, you thought I loved you before? You have no idea how much in love with you I am now. I love you with every ounce of my body. I love you every day, with every dawn, with every sunset, with every night. I love you with all of me.”

  Elif’s skin had turned bright red under his eyes. After a moment, she wrapped her hands on her face, pulling him closer to her. “I think I love you too,” she admitted, looking up at him shyly.

  His breath hitched, and he glanced down at her.

  “You think?” he asked.

  Elif grinned up at him.

  The way she gazed at him was for him.

  The way she pulled him closer was for him.

  The way she wrapped her legs around him was for him.

  The way she whispered his name repeatedly was for him.

  The way her body responded to him was for him.

  Even if it was only for one night.

  Every night Elif came to Kabir’s bar would always be theirs.

  Every sober night and every drunk night would always be theirs.

  The nights they were together in each other's presence would stay with him forever.

  Epilogue

  Three months later

  Even in the thickened air of the velvet, starry January night, there was a promise of the yet to come. Kabir tilted his head, and gazed upward at the stars, and the blue night sky that was shining above him. His eyes were more open than they ever were before. He wasn’t just looking for one star but all of them.

  The night twinkled as he studied the silver glow of the moon.

  Some stars shine, some fade, but Elif had shined the brightest.

  He could hear unheard music playing, reminding him of Elif’s laughter and her voice.

  He knelt on the freshly dug earth, surrounded by flowers. Flowers that reminded him of her floral dresses. His upper lip quirked as he remembered her red dress. Red roses were clasped in one hand honoring her, each petal symbolized her elegance and charm. Memories circled his mind as he remembered her smile which was a true representation of happiness that brought illumination to a dull scene.

  He gazed sadly at the grave in front of him.

  Elif’s grave.

  She had lived for two more months.

  The bar she frequently visited, practically lived in, she stopped visiting. When she was alive, he still spoke to her on the phone and he visited her. She chose to be buried in Montreal, Canada next to her husband’s grave. She didn’t have a big funeral, she kept it close to family and friends only. The people who attended were Kabir, Aryan, Nadia, Elif’s maternal aunt and uncle, and Isaah’s mother, father, and Isaah’s brother.

  Kabir was surprised to see Nadia in attendance. He had tried to talk to her. “I’m only here to give condolences,” she said before staying clear from him.

  He found closure in Aryan who stuck to his side from day one.

  He visited Elif’s grave every day since she died and stayed there for hours.

  Sometimes, he stayed silent.

  Other times, he talked to her about his life and her. Sometimes, he would spend hours talking to her about the restaurant, people, and his life.

  It had been a month since she died, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave Canada. If he left Montreal and returned to New York, he could never visit her grave again. It would only be once every six months or once a year.

  No.

  He still wanted to be there for her every day, even though she was gone. He knew that he should leave, and that he had overstayed in a nearby hotel.

  She was his love, his obsession, his world.

  Kabir never realized how much a person could mean to someone until they're not with you anymore. He still couldn’t believe Elif was gone. He still dreamed about her every day. His heartbeats wild every time he imagined their time together. All he wanted to do was hold her and kiss her again.

  He loved her.

  He loved her so much, but he hated her for making him fall in love with her just to leave him in the end.

  People would wonder why these two couldn’t just have been together. Not every story has a happy ending. Some stories end in tragedy.

  She was a tragic beauty.

  Kabir was in love with Elif, but Elif was still in love with her husband even after burying him, even after mourning him.

  She drank herself to death to be with her husband.

  It was as if she purposefully killed herself.

  Elif loved Kabir.

  She loved him as a companion, but he wasn’t the love of her life. Not every love in your life needs to be the ultimate great love. She’s with the love of her life now, and she has given Kabir a gift he will spend the incoming years thinking about. She had given him closure before her death. Kabir had been with her in her last moments.

  She hadn’t died alone. She had him by her side.

  She came as a hurricane in his life, becoming the eye of his storm. She was his fallen angel and his queen of darkness.

  From the first time they met, he was so affected by the mystery around her that he had hopelessly lost himself in her. He knew that no other woman who would come in his life would compare to her. She taught him to love again, and that it was okay to be himself. She taught him to live without fear. She taught him so many things, but she wasn't here to teach him any longer. She was in a world above him, above the starry, blue night.

  Kabir opened the letter Elif had given him at the hospital bed. He hadn’t opened it until now because he didn't have the courage before.

  Azizam Kabir,

  I’ve never written a love letter before so this is pretty new to me. In the past year, we have become friends. Then we became best friends. Then we became companions. I care deeply about you more than you can imagine, and I do love you. I’ve never known a love so pure. You’re my one true companion who stayed by my side till the end. You gave me a sense of belonging, you showed me kindness, and I will always appreciate it.

  If you weren’t by my side, if I hadn’t met you the first time at the bar, I would have died a year too soon. I've lived because of you, because of your love and devotion. You’ve said how much I meant to you, but I never told you how much you meant to me. I called you my dearest for a reason. Do you remember when I said women were birthers and lifegivers? Women are the birthers, they give life but men like you live, you give life another meaning.

  I realized, I escaped death the first two times so I could meet you, so you could help me, and I could help you in return. You helped me alot, but I was too far gone.

  My life with cancer started when I came into your bar, but my disease, my prognosis worsened to liver failure with time. I was an alcoholic before I even met you. I didn’t feel the symptoms of liver failure, they often aren’t there in early stages. I usually did blood tests every five months. I missed a blood test appointment once because I was hungover, and I was diagnosed afterward until it was too late.

  All this time, I wanted to die and be with Isaah, and when I finally received my wish, I didn’t want to die...because
that meant leaving you behind. I didn’t want to leave your side. I wanted to live for a change. I wanted more time. Love is so strong, without it people live a life of depression. I was depressed when Isaaah died, and I was even more depressed six months prior to meeting you when I moved to New York.

  My husband died, but he left an impact on my life. Sometimes, people come in your life, but they don’t stay. They’re only momentarily there to show you something. Not all beautiful things are long lasting. I wasn’t the beautiful thing, you were a beautiful part of my life, but I’m gone and you're still there.

  That’s the reason I came into your life, and you came into mine. You learned to love again, and so did I, just differently. I learned to heal, and so did you. You were right. Everyone needs support at some point in their lives. I will always remember you. Through you, I found a happiness I lost before. Never change. Never change your politeness, your kindness, your shyness, and your innocence. Don’t let this world corrupt you or break you. I almost want to come back from my grave and hide you from the world and into my kitchen cupboard.

  If Isaah hadn’t died, I never would have moved to New York, I never would have met you. If Wafa hadn’t left you, if you hadn’t made a mistake during surgery, you would never have opened the restaurant and the bar, I never would have come to your bar. Then, you would have never come into my life. The losses that we had came into our lives so we can find each other and help each other heal. I don’t want to think to myself some good came out of Isaah’s death but it’s true. You were the only goodness left in my life.

  I gave you a small part of happiness, now you have to do something for me. Enclosed is my remaining inheritance check of $400,000. I would like for you to have this. I would like you to finish your medical residency and open your own clinical practice one day. I can't be the last person you stitch and do sutures on. Someone else has to witness your magical touch too.

  This is a list of things I would like for you. Print it out and place it on your refrigerator for reminders. In no way you should do these things in order, but you’re still holding on to a past that needs to be visited again.