He had witnessed her at her worst and he was probably thinking about that right now as he looked at her.
“Are you upset with me?” His voice was soft, gentle—like a caress.
That angered her. “We know you made it clear the last time we saw each other that you have no use for me.” She turned away from him, unable to look him in the eyes.
“You know I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
His smooth tone rolled over her like silk on warm skin. “You did. Though I’m thankful for it.” She squeezed her eyes closed, mortified. “This could really be awkward. I was young and adored you. I humiliated myself by throwing myself at you. I have no one to blame but me. I know that.” She’d thrown herself at him, taken him by surprise when she’d kissed him…and then told him she loved him. And he’d treated her like a child.
In reality, she had offered him far more than just her heart: she offered him all of herself. She was eighteen, not as young as she liked to tell herself she was but labeling herself as young helped her feelings anyway.
“You were not yourself,” he said.
Heat swamped her again. “I was drunk.” That in itself was humiliating. She had never drunk before and hadn’t had alcohol since.
“Yes, you were. I’m just glad I was the one you tried those moves on so you didn’t make a mistake.”
He thought he’d saved her from making a mistake. “Right,” she muttered. Anger snapped through her. “You just left.” She gripped the railing and fought down emotion that was thick in her voice.
He moved to stand close to her; she fought not to lean back into him. Butterflies lifted in her chest.
“I was doing what was best for you. Everything I did that night was for your own good. I didn’t even think you would remember what you did.”
Oh, she remembered. “I was eighteen. I was not a child. I was old enough to know what was good for me and what was not good for me.” What was she saying? “And besides that, you left the next day and never even said good-bye. I had bared my soul to you and you didn’t even tell me good-bye.”
His brows dipped and his dark eyes dug into her. “Jillian, I lost my sister a month before that night. She was your age. When I looked at you and your sisters, I saw Jen. I needed to find a way to try to stop other kids and young people from dying from the drugs that scum were bringing into this country. I was humbled by what you were offering me but I could only think about stopping more pain and anguish happening for families. I’m sorry you were hurt.”
Jillian told herself to stay angry. She told herself to let it all go. Obviously he’d only ever thought of her as a little tagalong sister of his best friend. To him, she had just been a drunk kid.
Suddenly, Ryan leaned in and kissed her cheek and then before she could blink, he stepped back and stared at her with eyes that bore through her and shook her to her very core.
“I’ll see you later, Jillian. I wish only the best for you. If anyone asks, tell them I had to leave early.” And then he walked off the deck and disappeared into the very dusky evening along the path that led around to the front of the house. Jillian just stood there as her heart raced and her pulse pounded.
And those unwanted butterflies caused havoc inside her.
Her life was in enough turmoil right now. Ryan coming back to town and reminding her of the most humiliating night of her life was not what she needed. Knowing that he’d believed she was too young and drunk to know what she’d been doing that night gave her some relief from her humiliation. But that was also the problem: she hadn’t been too young. And she hadn’t been as drunk as he believed she’d been…
Ryan couldn’t get away from Jillian fast enough. As he strode through the beautiful landscaping of her sister’s home, that he assumed Jillian had had her talented hands involved in, he tried to focus. Not on how beautiful and lovely she was but on his career. He was going back undercover if they’d let him. He was simply here to take the mandatory time off before he was evaluated again.
Jillian represented everything clean and wholesome that he was striving to preserve. Every lead he’d been able to give his narcotics team, every life they’d been able to save by taking drug deliveries off the streets had been worth the life he’d chosen. Jillian represented the untouched kids he’d been striving to save. His sister had represented those lost. And Marla… His heart hardened as he thought of Marla. She represented what no one caring enough to step in could result in.
Marla had blurred the lines for him. His heart ached for her even while he felt betrayed. What had he expected?
He reached his truck and climbed inside. He gripped the steering wheel. He needed to get away from Jillian, and he needed to stay away from her. She was too good for the man he’d become.
Shame and filth clung to him from his undercover work. He’d come home in hopes of getting his head screwed back on straight so they’d release him to work again. He didn’t want to be sitting behind a desk. He wanted to be in the middle of things.
But as he sat there struggling with the load on his shoulders, he wondered why Jillian was not married. Why didn’t she have an adoring husband and a couple of sweet kids like her running around?
Chapter Four
His first morning helping Jax out at Lagoon Adventures went by fast. Ryan had helped one person after another rent a kayak and start on their adventure down the lagoon. By lunchtime, he’d hardly stopped. There was a lull in the arrivals as people either took lunches with them and stopped somewhere along the lagoon to eat or they had lunch first and then came for an afternoon excursion. He was filing release forms when Levi looked around the corner.
“Hey, got time for lunch?” He held up a bag that had Ryan’s stomach growling immediately.
“Is that what I think it is?”
“Oh, yeah. I figured if you could eat, we’d have some of Juan’s tacos.”
“I’m all in.” Ryan grinned and marched straight to the picnic table that sat on the edge of the deck that overlooked the lagoon. Juan’s roadside taco stand had been in Windswept Bay for as long as Ryan could remember. It had been a favorite of the guys all through school. “Glad you got to show up. More so now that you’ve brought Juan’s.”
He and Levi had set up a tentative lunch date today but with Levi being the chief of police, there was never a guarantee that he could show up at a certain time.
“It’s pretty dead today, so it all worked out.”
“It hasn’t been dead here, that’s for certain. I’m starving and had decided food was out of my reach if you didn’t show up because I can’t leave right now. I forgot how busy this place is.”
“Yeah, that’s how Jax stays so in shape.” Levi patted his stomach and sat down across the table from Ryan. “I have to hit the gym to keep in shape but the kid gets a workout working here.”
“Yeah, tell me about it. I’ll probably have tight hamstrings in the morning. I’ve been up and down so much today. On the other hand, my ribs aren’t complaining so that means they’re healed up as far as I’m concerned.”
“Good. Then you can compete in the Thanksgiving Day obstacle course challenge with me.”
He laughed. “Your family still holds that?”
“We sure do. We feed anyone who wants to come out that day and then we let the kids play and we compete.”
“I’m in then. But I can’t guarantee how I’ll do.”
“It’ll be good for you. Your cousin is a good guy.”
“I think so. It seems like he’s got a good gal too. Blair seems really sweet.”
“According to Jillian, she’s great. She’s been working with Jillian in the landscaping part of the resort for the last year and she loves her to death.”
Ryan shot Levi a rueful eye. “Jillian likes everyone.” Almost—she wasn’t liking him too much anymore.
Levi chuckled. “True. It takes a lot to get on her bad side.”
Ryan took a bite of taco. “Yeah,” he grunted. “That’s very true. Why are you stil
l single?” he asked, trying to change the subject. He’d rather ask why Jillian was still single but bit back the need and asked about Levi instead.
Levi hitched a brow. “I could ask you the same thing, but I think I know. Your life makes you leery of relationships. Undercover work is rough on a family man.”
“Bingo.” Ryan hid his emotions behind a poker face. He was a master of hiding what he was thinking. He’d had to be; his life had depended on it.
“I know you went undercover because you needed to feel like you were doing something more to stop the drugs that killed your sister. I get that. But don’t you think you’ve been under long enough? Four years of basically living your life as someone you’re not is highly irregular. How did your cover not get blown before now? My gut tells me you’ve been involved in some significant takedowns over the last four years.”
True. Thugs he’d had to pretend were his friends. Scams he’d ratted out and stayed out of during the takedowns so his cover would stay hidden. He thought of Marla and rubbed his temple. He’d tried to help her…tried to save her…and in the end she’d lost her life too.
“You look bad,” Levi said. “You look beyond your years. Don’t you think it’s time to get your own life? Or is that why you’re on leave?”
Ryan wadded up the empty wrappings of the tacos that he’d devoured and stuffed them into the empty paper bag. “They don’t want to send me back in. I’m not sure what I want.” Ryan gave him a skeptical look. “You never answered my question. Why aren’t you married? You live in paradise—you’re surrounded by women. And you’re the police chief, for Pete’s sake. You can’t tell me you’re not in high demand.”
“Hey, this job might not be undercover, but it’s demanding. No time for building a lasting relationship.”
“You have deputies, don’t you?”
Levi looked serious. “I do. But the truth is we’re out here on the edge of boring to most officers. We’re not exactly a metropolis. New recruits are usually looking for more action than a laid-back resort town dealing with tourists. It’s not really the place to move you up in outside opportunities. So I have a few really talented officers and I have an abundance of officers just waiting out retirement, so that keeps me busy. If I do get star talent, they’re just waiting for something better to come along.”
“And leave you stranded.”
“Right. They want something exciting. The most exciting things we’ve had in the last few months is the paparazzi came to town twice. Once because of Grant and last month because of Olivia. I am not a fan of that nonsense. But the truth is, no town is without problems and it takes diligence to keep it down. You’d be valued here. I’m just putting that out to you.”
Ryan didn’t like thinking about this beautiful place having problems. “So you don’t see a lot of drugs coming through the coast?”
“We’ve been lucky not to have what everyone else has.”
“You and I both know that’s due in part to you.”
“You and I both know I need help. Good help. Someone who is smart enough to stay ahead of the situation before it happens. You have a job waiting if you want it. I’m actively recruiting you as of now.”
Ryan studied the lagoon, mulling over his options. His entire life felt up in the air. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks for the offer.”
“I think it would be a win for all of us. You and the people of Windswept Bay.”
A couple came around the corner.
“Can we get a kayak?” The older man tugged at the woman’s hand.
“Is it safe?” she asked.
“Yes sir, you can get a double or two singles. And it’s safe. You’ll have on a life vest too.” Ryan stood. “Looks like my break is over and back to work for me.”
Levi grinned. “I guess I’d better do some work too. We’ll be talking.”
Ryan gave him a thumbs-up and watched his friend leave before he turned to the couple. The woman in her sixties needed reassurance. He smiled and went to help her.
But his thoughts went to Jillian. Would she thaw toward him if he stayed? He told himself he needed to put her out of his thoughts. That it was best that she be mad at him and that she keep her distance. She’d said he hurt her…and that hurt him to know but he’d done what he needed to do.
Should he keep his distance? Could he keep his distance?
He was finding it hard to get her off his mind and he wasn’t certain what he was going to do about that.
Four days after learning her dreams of a baby were in jeopardy—and of seeing Ryan for the first time since she was eighteen—Jillian was busy at work. Work was her saving grace.
She’d been working in the flowerbed when Abe had asked her to come take a look at the remodel. Now she stood beside Abe as they surveyed the new bathroom remodel. All the rooms would have them. And Abe’s crews were working hard on downsizing the bedrooms and enlarging and luxuriating the bathrooms. Thankfully, when the rooms had first been built, they’d been larger than the average hotel room, thus they could handle the lost square footage. And the modernized bathrooms would be loved by the customers.
“You’re doing a great job, Abe. It’s everything we’ve been hoping for and more.”
“I’m glad you think so. The crew has done a really good job.”
It wasn’t lost on Jillian that Abe was not only handsome and nice, but he was also modest. He always gave his crew the credit they deserved. She liked that. She met his gaze. Please let me feel something. Just a few butterflies. But no, there was nothing more than the knowledge that he was a nice man she liked and respected.
No butterflies, no quickening pulse, no weak knees: nothing. It was enough to make her go buy a gallon of her favorite pralines-and-cream ice cream and eat the entire bucket in one sitting. And sadly, the grocery store was between here and her home. It was going to be hard to pass up.
She lifted her gaze to Abe’s lips and imagined kissing him…no, no tingles. Nothing like what happened the instant Ryan came near—
Abe cleared his throat. “Jillian, are you okay?”
Her gaze shot to his; he hitched a brow.
“What?” She gasped and cringed inside, knowing he’d caught her ogling his lips.
“Do I have something on my mouth?”
“No, I mean— Sorry, I, I was lost in thought. Didn’t realize I was staring. So...” She cleared her throat. “What did you want to show me?”
He didn’t look as if he completely believed her, but he moved to a wall. “If you and your sisters want it, I can put a small bookshelf here in this wasted space left by making the coffee bar around the corner. It would add a little more adventure to the room. Or we can wall it up. I just wanted to float the idea to you.”
“Great idea.” She needed to get out of there.
He crossed his arms. “Okay, if you think the three of you would like to see this, I’ll work up an estimate. It won’t be much.”
“I think they’ll love it.” She edged toward the door.
“Fine. I’ll work up a firm cost sheet tonight. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Good. Perfect. I mean, I’m fine.” He was perfect. If he was attracted to her, she could settle for a perfect man like him…right? If it meant making her dreams of babies come true—couldn’t she? Ryan filled her thoughts like an unwanted mealybug in her flowerbeds. “Thanks. I’ve got to go.” She waved, spun, and fled.
An hour later, she wheeled her car into the grocery store parking lot and screeched to a halt. She hurried inside and practically ran to the ice cream aisle. She’d buy not just one but three gallons of the frozen dessert she was so utterly stressed out.
Abe was the perfect man and she should be doing everything in her power to turn his head and get his attention so she’d have a shot at a baby. But no, her thoughts kept going to Ryan. It had taken her months to get over not only humiliating herself that night by declaring her love for him but also to assure herself that she’d really not loved him. Not really.
>
But despite convincing herself of that, no other man had ever measured up to the pedestal that she’d placed him on. And now, he was back.
“Pralines-and-cream, here I come,” she muttered, as she wheeled her cart down the center of the freezer cases. When she got there, she yanked open the glass door and grabbed the first gallon and placed it in the buggy. She was reaching for the second gallon when, of all people, Ryan walked up. Could this day get any worse?
He leaned against the glass case, crossed his arms over his broad T-shirt-clad chest and grinned. “So pralines-and-cream is still your weakness.” His eyes crinkled at the edges.
“I’m just buying some ice cream. Do you have a problem with that?” She glared at him, feeling every bit the shrew.
He held his hands up and frowned. “Nope. I was just teasing. But I see my mistake.” He reached for a gallon of pralines-and-cream and let the door close as he placed it in his buggy; then he walked away.
Jillian stood there, feeling horrible, and watched him casually push his cart toward the end of the row. This was not her—this mean, grumpy person. He had apologized for hurting her the other night. Not that that could erase all the hurt she felt but it wasn’t his fault she’d gotten a crush on him and then thrown herself at him.
She moved forward, pushing her buggy as quick as she could. “Ryan,” she called.
He stopped and pivoted toward her. “What, Jillian?” he asked, sounding frustrated himself.
What had she planned to say? He cocked his head slightly when she didn’t say anything at first but he kept quiet. Clearly, the ball was in her court. “I don’t normally act like this.”
“I know you didn’t used to act this way. I’m sorry if I had a part in changing you.”
She sighed and all the pent-up anger and hurt going on inside her crashed at her feet. “It’s not you. Not really. I have a lot going on—”
“Look.” He reached to the small rack at the end of the row and picked up a bag of plastic spoons. “I just happen to have a carton of ice cream and an entire bag of plastic spoons. Would you go with me somewhere and share it with me and maybe we could talk? Maybe we could start over?” He waved the spoons like an olive branch, a peace offering. A way to move past the anger.
Holding Out For Love (Windswept Bay Book 5) Page 3
