The Feelings Conversation
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5
Have Your Feelings (Or They Will Have You)
A mother hears a crash in the living room and runs in to find her four-year-old son, baseball bat in hand, standing next to a shattered vase. “What happened?” she asks. Contrite, looking away, the boy answers, “Nothing.”
When it comes to acknowledging difficult emotions, we often adopt the strategy of the young batter. If we deny that the emotions are there, then maybe we can avoid the consequences of feeling them. But we have about the same chance of hiding our emotions as the boy has of convincing his mother that all is well with the vase. Feelings are too powerful to remain peacefully bottled. They will be heard one way or another, whether in leaks or bursts. And if handled indirectly or without honesty, they contaminate communication.
Feelings Matter: They Are Often at the Heart of Difficult Conversations
Feelings, of course, are part of what makes good relationships so rich and satisfying. Feelings like passion and pride, silliness and warmth, and even jealousy, disappointment, and anger let us know that we are fully alive.
At the same time, managing feelings can be enormously challenging. Our failure to acknowledge and discuss feelings derails a startling number of difficult conversations. And the inability to deal openly and well with feelings can undermine the quality and health of our relationships.
Max and his daughter Julie are negotiating about how much to spend on Julie’s upcoming wedding. Should this conversation be about money alone? If so, then Max and Julie can simply list what they want and look for ways to accommodate these desires. “That’s it. We’ll spend two thousand dollars on the ballroom, fifteen hundred on the band, seventy-two hundred on food,” and so forth. End of conversation.
But it isn’t that easy. The conversation feels difficult and stressful for both dad and daughter. Each is feeling impatient, sensitive, and ready to find fault with the other. It is not, after all, just a matter of money. It is also about feelings. For example, Max experiences a deep sense of both sadness and joy when he thinks of the event — sadness because he will be receiving less of Julie’s attention from now on, and joy because she has matured into such a wonderful woman. To Max, the planning of the event represents a final opportunity for his daughter to be just his daughter, and not also someone’s wife. He’d like her to ask questions and to seek advice from him, the way she did when she was younger.
For better or worse, this conversation will not go well unless these feelings are surfaced. Why? Because you can’t have an effective conversation without talking about the primary issues at stake, and in this conversation feelings are at the heart of what’s wrong. No matter how skillfully dad and daughter negotiate about how much money to spend, the outcome will not leave them feeling satisfied unless they also talk about how they are feeling.
We Try to Frame Feelings Out of the Problem
Max originally described his problem to us by saying, “My daughter and I are having trouble deciding how much we should spend on her wedding. She’d like to do certain things, and I respect that, but I believe there are cheaper options available.” It was only after talking with him that we learned that what was really at stake for each of them were the feelings involved in the event.
This is a common pattern: we frame the problem exclusively as a substantive disagreement and believe that if only we were more skilled at problem-solving, we’d be able to lick the thing. Solving problems seems easier than talking about emotions.
Framing feelings out of the problem is one way we cope with the dilemma of whether to raise something or avoid it. The potential costs involved in sharing feelings makes raising them feel like too big a gamble. When we lay our feelings on the table, we run the risk of hurting others and of ruining relationships. We also put ourselves in a position to get hurt. What if the other person doesn’t take our feelings seriously or responds by telling us something we don’t want to hear? By sticking to the “business at hand,” we appear to reduce these risks.
The problem is that when feelings are at the heart of what’s going on, they are the business at hand and ignoring them is nearly impossible. In many difficult conversations, it is really only at the level of feelings that the problem can be addressed. Framing the feelings out of the conversation is likely to result in outcomes that are unsatisfying for both people. The real problem is not dealt with, and further, emotions have an uncanny knack for finding their way back into the conversation, usually in not very helpful ways.
Unexpressed Feelings Can Leak into the Conversation
Emma was stunned to learn that her friend and mentor, Kathy, had told the Executive Committee that she didn’t think Emma was mature enough to handle the responsibility her new promotion required. “I felt so betrayed,” says Emma. “I was hurt that Kathy would think such a thing, and furious that she’d say something to management rather than to me.” Upon further reflection, Emma also admitted some self-doubt. “What if I’m not ready?” she worried.
Late that afternoon, Emma and Kathy had a brief exchange about the situation:
EMMA: I heard you told the Executive Committee that I couldn’t handle the new responsibility.
KATHY: Wait a second. I didn’t say you couldn’t handle responsibility. I simply said I thought you were being promoted awfully fast. I don’t want them to set you up to fail.
EMMA: Well you should have come to me if you had doubts.
KATHY: I was going to talk to you about it. But I also have an obligation to talk to management.
EMMA: You have an obligation to talk to me first. I can’t believe you would jeopardize my career like this.
KATHY: Emma, I’ve always supported your career! This is a question of when you should be promoted, not if.
Rather than share her feelings, Emma provokes an argument about the rules of professional communication. At no point does Emma say “I feel hurt” or “I feel angry” or “I’m terrified that you might be right,” yet these feelings have a significant effect on the conversation.
Unspoken feelings can color the conversation in a number of ways. They alter your affect and tone of voice. They express themselves through your body language or facial expression. They may take the form of long pauses or an odd and unexplained detachment. You may become sarcastic, aggressive, impatient, unpredictable, or defensive. Studies show that while few people are good at detecting factual lies, most of us can determine when someone is distorting, manufacturing, or withholding an emotion. That’s because, if clogged, your emotional pipes will leak.
Indeed, unexpressed feelings can create so much tension that you disengage: you choose not to work with a particular colleague because you have so many unresolved feelings about them, or you become distant from your spouse, children, or friends.
Unexpressed Feelings Can Burst into the Conversation
For some of us, the problem is not that we are unable to express our feelings, but that we are unable not to. We get angry and show it in ways that are embarrassing or destructive. We cry or explode when we would rather act composed and capable. Of course, there are many possible explanations for anger or tears, some of which have deep psychological roots. One common explanation, however, is just the opposite of what we might expect. We don’t cry or lose our temper because we express our feelings too often, but because we express them too rarely. Like finally opening a carbonated drink that has been shaken, the results can be messy.
Edward, for example, had the troubling habit of shouting at his wife when he was feeling frustrated. He told us he was working on learning to control his feelings. No matter how upset he felt by his wife’s behavior, he desperately tried not to let his emotions show. But eventually he’d explode. His explanation for this pattern was that he was simply too emotional, yet his efforts to contain himself only made the habit worse.
Unexpressed Feelings Make It Difficult to Listen
Unexpressed feelings can cause a
third, more subtle problem. The two hardest (and most important) communication tasks in difficult conversations are expressing feelings and listening. A significant pattern we’ve observed in our coaching involves the sometimes elusive relationship between the two skills. When people are having a hard time listening, often it is not because they don’t know how to listen well. It is, paradoxically, because they don’t know how to express themselves well. Unexpressed feelings can block the ability to listen.
Why? Because good listening requires an open and honest curiosity about the other person, and a willingness and ability to keep the spotlight on them. Buried emotions draw the spotlight back to us. Instead of wondering, “How does what they are saying make sense?” and “Let me try to learn more,” we have a record playing in our mind that is stuck in the groove of our own feelings: “I’m so angry with him!” “I feel like she just doesn’t seem to care about me,” “I feel so vulnerable right now.” It’s hard to hear someone else when we are feeling unheard, even if the reason we feel unheard is that we have chosen not to share. Our listening ability often increases remarkably once we have expressed our own strong feelings.
Unexpressed Feelings Take a Toll on Our Self-Esteem and Relationships
When important feelings remain unexpressed, you may experience a loss of self-esteem, wondering why you don’t stick up for yourself. You deprive your colleagues, friends, and family members of the opportunity to learn and to change in response to your feelings. And, perhaps most damagingly, you hurt the relationship. By keeping your feelings out of the relationship you are keeping an important part of yourself out of the relationship.
A Way Out of the Feelings Bind
There are ways to manage the problem of feelings. Working to get feelings into the conversation is almost always helpful as long as you do so in a purposive way. While the drawbacks of avoiding feelings are inevitable, the drawbacks of sharing feelings are not. If you are able to share feelings with skill, you can avoid many of the potential costs associated with expressing feelings and even reap some unexpected benefits. This is the way out of the feelings bind.
By following a few key guidelines you can greatly increase your chances of getting your feelings into your conversations and into your relationships in ways that are healthy, meaningful, and satisfying: first, you need to sort out just what your feelings are; second, you need to negotiate with your feelings; and third, you need to share your actual feelings, not attributions or judgments about the other person.
Finding Your Feelings: Learn Where Feelings Hide
Most of us assume that knowing how we feel is no more complicated than knowing whether we are hot or cold. We just know. But in fact, we often don’t know how we feel. Many of us know our own emotions about as well as we know a city we are visiting for the first time. We may recognize certain landmarks, but fail to understand the subtle rhythms of daily life; we can find the main boulevards, but remain oblivious to the tangle of back streets where the real action is. Before we can get to where we’re going, we need to know where we are. When it comes to understanding our own emotions, where most of us are is lost.
This isn’t because we’re dumb, but because recognizing feelings is challenging. Feelings are more complex and nuanced than we usually imagine. What’s more, feelings are very good at disguising themselves. Feelings we are uncomfortable with disguise themselves as emotions we are better able to handle; bundles of contradictory feelings masquerade as a single emotion; and most important, feelings transform themselves into judgments, accusations, and attributions.
Explore Your Emotional Footprint
As we grow up, each of us develops a characteristic “emotional footprint” whose shape is determined by which feelings we believe are okay to have and express and which are not. Think back to when you were growing up. How did your family handle emotions? Which feelings were easily discussed, and which did people pretend weren’t there? What was your role in the emotional life of the family? What emotions do you now find it easy to acknowledge and express, and with whom? Which do you find more difficult? As you consider your responses to these questions, the contours of your emotional footprint will begin to emerge.
Each of us has a unique footprint. You may believe that it’s okay to feel longing or sadness, but not okay to feel anger. Anger may be easy for me to express, while feelings of shame or failure are off-limits. And it is not only so-called negative feelings that are implicated. Some of us find it easy to express disappointment, but difficult to express affection, pride, or gratitude.
While there may be common themes, your emotional footprint will be different in different relationships. Your awareness of and ability to express emotions will vary depending on whether you are with your mother, your best friend, your boss, or the person sitting next to you on the plane. Exploring the contours of your footprint across a variety of relationships can be extremely helpful in raising your awareness of what you are feeling and why.
Accept That Feelings Are Normal and Natural. One assumption many of us incorporate into our footprint is the assumption that there is something inherently wrong with having feelings. As Rick, a retired judge, observed, “In my family we were taught not to talk about our problems, or the feelings that accompany them.” For some of us, merely having feelings, any feelings, is enough to cause us shame.
Depending on how we handle them, feelings can lead to great trouble. But the feelings themselves just are. In that sense, feelings are like arms or legs. If you hit or kick someone, then your arms or legs are causing trouble. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with arms or legs. The same with feelings.
Recognize That Good People Can Have Bad Feelings. A second assumption many of us incorporate into our footprint is that there are certain emotions “good people” should never feel: good people don’t get angry at people they love, they don’t cry, they don’t fail, and they are never a burden. If you are a good person, we’ve got good news: everyone feels anger, everyone experiences the urge to cry, everyone fails, and everyone needs other people.
You won’t always be happy with what you’re feeling. For example, you assume you should feel sad at your brother’s funeral but find instead that you feel only rage. You know you should be excited about finally getting your dream job, but instead you’re unmotivated and weepy. Whether or not it makes sense, you are. And while it might be more pleasant to have only good feelings toward your mother, there will be times when you feel irritated or resentful or ashamed. We all experience such conflict, and it has nothing to do with whether or not we are a good person.
There are times when denying feelings serves a deeper psychological function: in the face of overwhelming anxiety, fear, loss, or trauma, removing yourself from your feelings can help you cope with daily life. As the saying goes, “Don’t knock down a wall until you know why it was put up.” At the same time, the reality is that unacknowledged feelings are going to have an effect on communication. All things being equal, it is better to strive toward an understanding of your feelings, perhaps over time with a therapist or a trusted friend. As you begin to feel things that were there all along and begin to deal with the underlying causes of these feelings, your interactions with others — including difficult conversations — will become increasingly easy to handle.
Learn That Your Feelings Are as Important as Theirs. Some of us can’t see our own feelings because we have learned somewhere along the way that other people’s feelings are more important than ours.
For example, it was always assumed that your father would move in with your family when his health began to fail. But now that he has, his constant demands and crankiness are beginning to take a toll, especially on top of managing his medications and frequent doctor’s visits. You are exhausted and frustrated, and wonder why your brother isn’t willing to do his share. Yet you don’t raise it with parent or sibling. “It’s hard, but it’s not that hard,” you reason. “Besides, I don’t want to rock the boat.”
Your girlfri
end calls and says she can’t have dinner on Friday after all. She’s wondering whether Saturday is okay. She says a friend of hers is in town and wants to see a movie on Friday. You say, “Sure, if that’s better for you.” Although you said yes, Saturday is actually not as good for you, because you had planned to go to a baseball game. Still, you’d rather see your girlfriend, so you give your ticket away.
In each of these situations, you’ve chosen to put someone else’s feelings ahead of your own. Does this make sense? Is your father’s frustration or your brother’s peace of mind more important than yours? Is your girlfriend’s desire to see a movie with her friend more important than your desire to see a baseball game? Why is it that they express their feelings and preferences, but you cope with yours privately?
There are several reasons why you may choose to honor others’ feelings even when it means dishonoring your own. The implicit rule you are following is that you should put other people’s happiness before your own. If your friends or loved ones or colleagues don’t get their way, they’ll feel bad, and then you’ll have to deal with the consequences. That may be true, but it’s unfair to you. Their anger is no better or worse than yours.
“Well, it’s just easier not to rock the boat,” you think. “I don’t like it when they’re mad at me.” If you’re thinking this, then you are undervaluing your own feelings and interests. Friends, neighbors, and bosses will recognize this and begin to see you as someone they can manipulate. When you are more concerned about others’ feelings than your own, you teach others to ignore your feelings too. And beware: one of the reasons you haven’t raised the issue is that you don’t want to jeopardize the relationship. Yet by not raising it, the resentment you feel will grow and slowly erode the relationship anyway.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most Page 10
