by Isobel Bird
“How do you know that for sure?” asked Annie. “We can think anything we want to, but how do we know? How do we know our lives aren’t already planned out for us?”
“By who?” Kate asked her.
Annie shrugged. “I don’t know. The Fates. The Goddess. Whoever.”
“I don’t buy that,” Cooper said. “I think we’re given a path to walk, but I think that path has lots of different side paths. We choose the ones we want to go down. I think people who say that everything happens whether you like it or not are just looking for something to blame for the fact that they don’t like how their lives have turned out. There’s a big difference between something happening for a reason and something being an excuse.”
“Maybe,” Annie said.
“How did this get so deep?” Sasha commented. “Usually we just talk about boys and clothes.”
Cooper picked up a pillow and hit her with it. “You mean usually you just talk about boys and clothes.”
“Sasha’s right,” said Annie. “I didn’t mean for things to get all serious. I think it’s time to up the fun quotient. And I think I know just the thing. Ice cream, anyone?”
“Count me in,” Sasha said instantly.
The others nodded. “I’ll go get it,” Annie said. “But someone has to help me carry it up. Any volunteers?”
“I will,” said Kate, standing up.
“Okay then,” Annie said. “We’ll be right back.”
The two of them left the room and went down the stairs to the kitchen. Annie headed to the refrigerator and opened the freezer, removing two cartons of ice cream.
“What do you think?” she asked Kate, holding them up. “Vanilla or double fudge?”
“How about both?” suggested Kate, and Annie grinned.
“Get the bowls,” she said.
Kate opened the cupboard while Annie removed the tops on the ice cream cartons. As Kate set four bowls on the counter she paused. “Annie,” she said. “I—” She hesitated, and Annie looked at her, not saying anything.
Kate sighed. “I know it’s been really hard lately. You know, between us.”
“Kate, it’s okay,” Annie said.
“No,” Kate said. “It isn’t. It’s not okay at all.” She looked up into Annie’s face. “I’ve been trying to pretend that everything is fine, that I’m not angry about what happened between you and Tyler. But I am angry. I’m really angry.”
She stopped, unsure of how to continue. Annie said nothing as she waited to hear what her friend had to say.
“I know you never meant to hurt me,” Kate said after a moment. “But you did, and we can’t take that back. Sometimes I think I’ve gotten over it, like when we went away together for the Winter Solstice, but then I think about it and get mad all over again.”
“Kate, if I could change what happened, I would,” Annie said. “You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I could do that.”
Kate sniffed, feeling tears forming in her eyes. She smiled. “I know you would,” she said. “That’s the funny thing. I know that you’d do anything for me. I guess that’s why what you did is even harder to let go of. I wish I could hate you, Annie. I wish I could look at you and not care if I hurt you right back. But I do care. You’re a great person, and a great friend.”
Neither of them spoke as they stood looking at one another. Kate felt a tear slide down her face, and she reached up to wipe it away. “Maybe this is just one of those things that had to happen,” she said quietly. “Maybe it pushed all of us in the directions we needed to be going in. I just wish it didn’t feel so bad.”
“Just tell me what to do, Kate,” Annie said, starting to cry herself. “Tell me what will make you feel better.”
“You could jump in front of a train,” Kate suggested. “That might help.”
Annie stared at her in disbelief. Then Kate smiled. “Okay, maybe not. I just wanted to see your expression.”
“But you’ve thought about me jumping in front of a train,” Annie said. “I can tell.”
Kate shrugged. “Not a train,” she said. “But maybe I did think about you being eaten by bears. Just for a minute, though. And you went really quickly.”
Annie looked shocked. Then she cleared her throat and said, “Well, as long as it made you feel better.”
They both laughed. Then Kate held out her arms and Annie hugged her.
“I’m still mad,” Kate said. “But I’m glad we’re friends.”
“So am I,” said Annie. “But let’s not do this again, okay?”
“As long as you keep your lips off my boyfriends, I don’t see why we have to,” replied Kate.
They separated and Annie looked at her friend. “You’re right,” she said. “You are still mad.”
“I’m working on it,” answered Kate. “Now, let’s get this ice cream up there before those two come looking for us.”
They dished the ice cream into the bowls and put them on a tray. Annie added a bottle of chocolate sauce and they returned to her bedroom.
“Finally,” Sasha said as the two of them came in. “We were beginning to think you guys were eating it all yourselves.”
“We were just having a moment,” Kate said as she handed a bowl to Cooper.
Cooper took a bite of ice cream. “Speaking of moments,” she said, “I had one myself this afternoon.”
“Oh, do tell,” said Kate.
Cooper poured chocolate sauce over her ice cream. “I wasn’t going to say anything,” she said. “But since we all seem to be in a sharing mood, I think I will. You guys have to swear it won’t leave this room, though.”
The other three looked at each other. “This must be big,” Sasha said. “She never makes us swear.”
“I’m serious,” said Cooper. “I’m not saying a word unless you guys swear.”
“We swear,” Annie said. “Right, guys?”
Kate and Sasha nodded, looking at Cooper expectantly. Cooper set her bowl down.
“Okay,” she said. “It’s about Jane.”
The others waited, spoons poised in midair. Cooper wiped her mouth with her hand. “I think she’s a lesbian.”
“Jane’s a lesbian?” Sasha said. “Get out.”
Cooper nodded. “I said I think she is. We haven’t actually talked about it.”
“What happened?” Kate asked. “I mean, how do you know?”
“I went over there this afternoon, and she was really down. She didn’t want to tell me what happened, but I dragged it out of her. It turns out she got dumped by this person she was seeing—Max. Well, Max showed up and turned out to be a girl.”
“He did not,” said Annie. “I mean, she did not.”
“She did,” Cooper replied.
“Are you sure?” asked Kate, and Cooper gave her a withering look. “Well, you can’t always be sure these days,” Kate protested. “Maybe it was a guy who looked sort of girlie.”
“Now I remember why I thought you were ditzy when I first met you,” said Cooper. “No, this was a girl. Definitely a girl.”
“A girl named Max,” Annie said. “I can see why you didn’t get it at first.”
“Was she pretty?” asked Sasha.
“What?” Cooper said.
“Max,” Sasha repeated. “Was she pretty?”
Cooper thought for a minute. “Yeah,” she said. “She was kind of hot. Not pretty, but really cool looking. To tell the truth, I was so surprised I didn’t really think about it all that much. She had really cool boots.”
“I can’t believe it,” said Kate. “Jane’s a lesbian.”
“She might be bi,” Annie suggested, and the others looked at her in surprise.
“What?” she said. “Like I don’t know what being bi is? I listen to Ani DiFranco, thank you very much. And why shouldn’t Jane be bi?”
“No,” Cooper said. “You’re right. Maybe she is. Like I said, we haven’t actually talked about it. To tell the truth, I’m not really sure what to say.”
&nbs
p; “Why not?” asked Sasha. “You know other gay people. Isn’t T.J.’s brother gay?”
Cooper nodded. “Dylan,” she said. “But I don’t know any girls who are gay.”
“Yes, you do,” Annie said.
The others looked at her again. “Something you want to tell us?” Sasha asked.
Annie blushed. “No,” she said. “But there are a couple of lesbians in class. Oh, and there’s that woman in the Coven of the Green Wood.”
“How do you know all this?” asked Cooper. “Are you like the official lesbian registrar or something?”
“Ha ha,” Annie retorted. “No, I just notice people, I guess. It’s not like it’s any big deal.”
“Well, I think it’s a big deal to Jane,” Cooper said. “And I want to talk to her about it. I just don’t know quite how to do it.”
“Just talk to her,” Kate said. “She’s your friend, right?”
Cooper nodded.
“Well, she’s still your friend,” said Kate. “Don’t treat her any differently than you have been.”
Cooper nodded and continued to eat her ice cream. After a minute Sasha said, “Are you afraid she might have a thing for you?”
Cooper choked on her double fudge. “No!” she said. “That hadn’t even occurred to me.”
Sasha shrugged. “It would occur to me,” she said.
“Why should Jane have a crush on me just because she’s a lesbian?” asked Cooper.
“Or bi,” Annie said.
Sasha rolled her eyes. “I didn’t say she had to have a crush on you,” she said. “I just asked if you were worried about her having one.”
“No,” Cooper said. “At least, I don’t think I am. Oh, Goddess, maybe I am. Does that make me a bad person?”
“Yes,” Annie said.
“What is with you tonight?” Sasha asked Annie.
Annie took another bite of ice cream. “Just because Jane might be gay—”
“Or bi,” Cooper said meaningfully.
“Or bi,” Annie continued, “doesn’t mean she has a crush on every other girl in the world. That’s ridiculous.” She looked at Cooper. “Not that you’re not way cute or anything.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Cooper said. “But none of this is really helping. What do I say to her?”
“Why do you have to say anything?” Kate said when no one spoke. “Just be her friend like you have been. That’s what she really needs.”
“You’re right,” Cooper said. “You’re right. It just happened so fast is all. It took me by surprise.”
“I think you’re forgetting that this is about Jane and not about you,” Annie said. “She’ll probably be relieved that she can talk to you about it.”
“I hope so,” said Cooper. “We’ve gotten to be good friends. Not to mention that our music is really coming together.”
“Hey,” Sasha said thoughtfully. “Maybe now that Jane has this whole lesbian thing going on, the two of you can tour with Melissa Etheridge.”
Cooper looked at her friend. Sasha grinned. “Annie’s right,” she said. “You are way cute. I bet the chicks will go for you in a big way.”
“You are so dead when I finish this ice cream,” Cooper said, trying to keep a straight face as the others hooted with laughter.
CHAPTER 5
As she stood waiting for Jane to answer the door the next afternoon, Cooper tried to remember everything she and her friends had talked about the night before. Don’t make a big deal out of this, she reminded herself over and over. And don’t say anything stupid.
The door opened and Jane looked out.
“Hey!” Cooper said brightly.
“Hey,” Jane said. “Come on in.”
Cooper went inside and followed Jane down the hallway to her bedroom. She opened her guitar case and took her guitar out. “I hope you’re ready to play,” she said. “I reworked that song and—”
“Cooper, we have to talk about yesterday,” Jane said. She was sitting on the edge of her bed.
Cooper nodded. “Okay,” she said. “What about it?”
“You can’t tell me it didn’t freak you out,” Jane replied.
Cooper swallowed. “It was sort of a surprise, yeah,” she said. “I mean, when you said Max I immediately assumed it was a guy.”
“You don’t know how hard it was not to use any pronouns,” said Jane. “It’s really a drag when you only have he and she to choose from.”
Cooper laughed. “How did things work out, anyway?” she asked. “Are you two—” She paused, not knowing how to phrase her question.
“We’re not going out, if that’s what you mean,” said Jane. “Max came by to tell me that she’s not into dating anyone seriously right now.” She rolled her eyes. “Like I am.”
“Are you okay?” asked Cooper.
Jane shrugged. “I will be,” she said. “But I’m not really worried about that right now. I want to know how you feel about all of this.”
“Oh, I’m cool with it,” Cooper answered quickly. “Really.”
Jane narrowed her eyes. “Come on,” she said. “You must have some questions. No one is that together. At least no one I want to hang out with.”
Cooper grinned. “Okay,” she said. “Maybe I do have a few questions.”
“Shoot,” said Jane. “I’ll give you my best answers.”
“Does this mean you only like girls?” asked Cooper.
Jane hesitated. “Let’s just say I’m leaving my options open,” she said. “I never really dated anyone before Max, so I can’t say for sure that I’ll never date guys. But if I had to give an answer to that one, I’d have to say that I’m strongly leaning toward being a big old lesbo.”
Cooper looked at Jane with a surprised expression. “Can you say that?” she asked, making Jane laugh.
“Why not? It’s not like I’m making fun of the Pope or anything. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since I started going to the center, it’s that you need to laugh at yourself every so often.”
“The center,” Cooper said. “As in the community center where you volunteer?”
Jane nodded. “The part I never told you was that it’s a lesbian and gay community center. I’ve been going to a support group for young people there for a couple of months now. That’s where I met Max. Okay, next question.”
“This sounds stupid,” Cooper said. “But how do you know? I mean, how do you know you’re really gay?”
Jane sighed. “That’s a tough one, and I’m not sure I can explain it all that well. The best way to answer it is to ask you how you know you’re straight.”
“I just do,” Cooper said.
“Have you ever thought about being gay?” Jane asked.
Cooper shook her head. “Not really,” she said. “I mean once I had a dream about making out with Gwen Stefani, but that’s about it.”
“That’s sort of how it is with me,” said Jane. “I can’t really tell you how I know because it’s more like I never didn’t know. Ever since I was little I always imagined myself with girls, the way you probably imagined yourself with boys. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized most other people thought that was different.”
“Does your family know?” asked Cooper.
Jane shook her head. “No,” she said. “No one knows except you, and I’d like to keep it that way for now.”
Cooper felt an uneasy feeling growing in her stomach. She knew it had taken a lot for Jane to have this conversation with her, and she didn’t want to do anything to make her friend feel uncomfortable. But she also knew that she had to tell her the truth.
“I sort of mentioned it to the girls last night,” she said.
Jane’s face fell. “You what?” she asked.
“I didn’t mean to do anything wrong,” explained Cooper. “It’s just that I wasn’t sure what to say to you, and we were all talking about—”
Jane was staring at her in disbelief. “I can’t believe you would do that,” she said, her vo
ice trembling. She stood up. “I think you should go,” she said.
“Jane,” Cooper said. “I didn’t mean—”
“Please,” Jane said. “I can’t be around you right now.”
Cooper looked at her friend helplessly. She wanted Jane to tell her that it was okay, that she hadn’t made a mistake. But she knew deep down that she had. She should never have told Kate, Sasha, and Annie about what had happened.
Without saying anything else, Cooper put her guitar back in its case and picked up her backpack. She looked at Jane, but Jane looked down at the floor. More than anything Cooper wanted to tell her how sorry she was, but she had a feeling that would only make things worse. Instead, she walked out of the room and down the hall. Jane didn’t follow her as she went to the front door and left.
Cooper got into her car and started the engine. She gave the Goldsteins’ front door one last look as she pulled away. You’ve really done it this time, she berated herself as she drove down the street. How was she going to make it up to Jane? What could she say to make it better? Her mind raced as a dozen different ideas came and went, none of them helpful. She just wanted to fix her mistake. But maybe she couldn’t. Maybe she’d done the unforgivable. I wonder if this is how Annie felt when she had to tell Kate about kissing Tyler, she thought sadly.
She drove to T.J.’s house, where she parked and walked to the door. Mrs. McAllister answered her knock, greeting Cooper with a big smile and a cry of “Happy New Year!”
“Happy New Year,” Cooper replied, returning the hug Mrs. McAllister gave her. “How were your holidays?”
“Busy,” Mrs. McAllister said. “All the boys were here. I just got rid of them a few hours ago. All except T.J., of course. He’s around here somewhere.”
Too bad Dylan isn’t still here, Cooper thought as she removed her coat and said hello to Mac, the old Irish setter who had taken up what seemed like permanent residency at one end of the sofa. I bet he’d have some good advice for me about how to talk to Jane.
A moment later T.J. came down the stairs. He greeted Cooper with a kiss. “What’s up?” he asked. “I didn’t think I’d see you until tomorrow at school.”
“I was in the neighborhood,” Cooper lied.
T.J. cocked an eyebrow. “Why don’t I believe you?” he asked.
