Forever, My Homeland: The Final Book in the All My Love, Detrick Series

by Roberta Kagan

  One morning when Ima returned after having been gone for four days, Katja came out of her room to see her daughter. Ima looked like an alley cat. Her hair was disheveled, her black eye makeup ran down her cheek, and her lipstick was smeared. After not sleeping for several nights, Katja was a nervous wreck. She grabbed Ima by the shoulders and shook her.

  “Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick? You can’t keep this up, Ima!” Katja screamed. “Listen to me. You are going to end up dead if you don’t straighten up. I am beside myself. I don’t know what to do with you anymore. Your grandmother is a sick woman, and you are making it worse…”

  Ima turned and shook Katja’s hand off of her shoulder. She tried to walk away, but Katja grabbed her shirt and flung her around so that Ima was facing her. “I am telling you something, Ima, and you’d better listen to me. Your life is at stake. I can’t save you unless you let me help you.”

  Ima shrugged.

  “Ima!” Katja yelled, but Ima just stared at her blindly. Finally, Katja released her grip and Ima went into her room and slammed the door behind her.

  Katja could not tell the women in her organization about her daughter. She was ashamed. Not only that, but if the other women knew the shameful things that Ima was doing, there would be no way back for Ima. She would become the center of malicious gossip. Ima would never have decent friends again, and her chances of marrying a nice boy would diminish completely.

  Katja didn’t want to burden her mother any further. Zofia had enough trouble just fighting to stay healthy, and she didn’t need to discuss upsetting things. When Katja was with Zofia, she tried to make light of Ima’s situation. The radiation treatments had been hard enough on Zofia. She was still having difficulty eating, and even now, sometimes Katja could hear Zofia in the bathroom vomiting.

  The thought of losing her mother terrified Katja. Most of the day she prayed silently for her daughter, her mother, and even John. John was the only person to whom she could open her ravaged heart. She told him everything, and he listened. His calm helped her to quiet her trembling insides. There was not much advice John could give her, but just having someone she could trust, someone who would not use the knowledge of Ima’s descent into Hell against her was enough.

  One Sunday afternoon Katja and John stayed at the park much longer than usual. It was an afternoon when the sun kissed the thick grass and the leaves on the trees. The sky was a pale silver-blue with clouds that looked like swirls of cotton candy. Katja was in better spirits than usual as she told John how much better her mother was doing. But Ima, she said, was a volcano that could erupt at any time. John just nodded. There was nothing to be said. They sat quietly for a moment. Then John told Katja about his work. John was winning the case, and his firm was pleased with him.

  “I suppose I’ve proven myself worthy. They gave me a raise,” John said.

  “That’s wonderful. You must be ecstatic.”

  “Yes. It’s nice to be appreciated, but there is a price to pay. They want me to come back to England. I won’t be here much longer,” he said with a sad smile.

  She nodded. Katja had forgotten that the time would come when John would have to return home. She felt a cloud of sadness come over her, and her heart felt empty. It was a feeling of loss she had not ever even considered. The time she’d had with John had filled a void inside of her. “How soon will you be leaving?”

  “I’m not sure, but less than a month.”

  “Oh…” Katja nodded and swallowed hard.

  He leaned forward and kissed her. She smelled his cologne. It had been a long time since she had been this close to a man.

  “I’ve come to care a lot for you, Katja…”

  “I care for you, too, John.”

  “I guess what I am trying to say is that I think I could be falling in love with you,” he said.

  She cleared her throat.

  “Would you consider moving to England?”

  “I don’t know. I mean, my organization, my mother and daughter are here. I don’t think I could do that, John.”

  “Are your feelings for me strong enough that you think it might be a good idea for me to apply for work here in Israel?”

  “You mean you want to stay? Permanently?”

  “Yes…if you want me to…”

  She did. She wanted him to stay… “Yes… I do want you to stay. I would miss you terribly if you left.”

  “Then I will see what I can do, to change jobs.”

  CHAPTER 8

  John began to apply for work at Israeli law firms. As he expected, it was not easy. But he was used to rejection, he’d been fighting his entire life, and he would not stop now. One afternoon he had several job interviews lined up and asked Katja to meet him at a café in the city instead of at the park. That way he would be able to see her for a half hour between meetings with potential employers. She agreed. Then she realized that this was the first time they’d ever actually been out together.

  Katja arrived first. He was late. She assumed that John’s interview had taken longer than expected. So she ordered a glass of white wine and waited. A woman, who was a less active member of her organization, was seated at a table a few feet away. She was sitting with another female friend who Katja didn’t recognize. As soon as she saw Katja, she got up and came over to say hello.

  “Katja…how are you?”

  “I’m fine…doing great.” Katja’s voice uncontrollably went up a few octaves. She forced a smile. Damn, what was this woman’s name?

  “How’s your mother?”

  “She’s all right. She’s been sick, but she’s doing better.”

  “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

  “Thank you, but she’s doing better.” Katja wished that this woman without a name would leave.

  “And Ima? How is she? Sari says she hasn’t seen her at school. Has she been ill?”

  Katja had hired a private tutor for Ima. But most of the time, Ima did not allow the tutor into her room. Katja knew that Ima was not attending school, but what could she tell this woman? What could she say? Please, go away. Go back to your table with your friend and stop asking so many questions.

  “No,” Katja coughed. “No, she’s not ill. She’s been taking classes abroad,” Katja lied. If someone saw Ima on the street, her deception would be exposed. Dear Lord, Katja wished this woman would leave her in peace.

  “Really? That’s so exciting. You mean she’s doing some kind of a high school exchange program?”

  “Yes, something like that…”

  Katja saw John walk in, and she was relieved. The hostess directed him to where she was waiting. Now that John had arrived, perhaps this questioning woman would be on her way.

  “Hi, Katja,” John said, with a big smile on his strong, handsome face.

  The woman looked at Katja, shocked, and stunned. For a moment, Katja didn’t understand. It had been a long time that she and John had been meeting, and during that time Katja had stopped seeing the difference in their skin color. From the look on the woman’s face, she was reminded.

  “Oh…your friend is here.” The woman without a name’s voice cracked. “I’ll let you two enjoy lunch,” she said. Then she walked back to the table and whispered something to her friend. Her friends face contorted, and she whispered something back. They both shook their heads but moved closer together, still whispering and bonding as they discussed what they were sure was to become the latest scandal. Katja could see that they were gossiping about her.

  John sat down, but it was hard not to notice that everyone in the restaurant was staring at them. Even the waitress, although she tried to hide her distaste, seemed uncomfortable.

  “Can I take your order?”

  “I think we’ll need a minute,” John said.

  Katja was trying not to look around at the faces of the other patrons. She could feel the heaviness of their stares. They were judging her, scrutinizing her. John studied Katja as she opened the menu. If she met John’s gaze she kn
ew that he would see how affected she was by the humiliating gawking.

  The waitress returned and they ordered. Then neither of them spoke. Katja glanced up at John and saw the pain in his face. She knew that he could read what she was thinking… What she was feeling?

  John cleared his throat. “I guess we make quite a pair? These folks have probably never seen a white woman with a black man before.”

  “I don’t know what I was thinking when we decided to meet here. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t expecting such a reaction from all of these strangers.”

  “They don’t know any better. All they know is what they’ve been taught, and they’ve been taught that races or religions are not supposed to mix. They think that people are different, and that they should stay with their own.”

  “John, I stopped seeing your color months ago. I know this sounds crazy, but I forgot how prejudiced people can be. And the worst part of it is, that most of them are Jews. They should know about prejudice. For God’s sake, they’ve endured enough of it to know…”

  “What they think isn’t important to me. How do you feel about it, Kat? That’s what really matters. What these people think is their problem. How do you feel? That’s what you have to ask yourself.”

  The food arrived, but Katja’s appetite was gone. She moved the salad around on her plate and noticed that everyone who came into the restaurant looked at her and John. The people walking by on the sidewalk turned to look. It was impossible to ignore their disapproval.

  “How did the interview go?” she asked.

  “I think it went well. But I’m not so sure that you want me to move to Israel. Are you still sure that you want to pursue this?…you and me, I mean.”

  “I know what you mean,” Katja said. She felt a tear slip down her cheek. She’d spent her entire life trying to fit in, trying to win the approval of everyone she knew. Now, she was doing something that was clearly forbidden. A relationship with a black man would certainly draw attention to her.

  What was she thinking when she told John she wanted him to move to Israel? Did she somehow believe that people would be accepting them as a couple, or was she stupidly blinded by her emotions? “I need time to think, John. I can’t say how I feel right now because I don’t know. I guess I was naïve. I never thought about how we would be treated. I only thought about how happy you make me and about how you fill my life with friendship and caring…”

  “And I will continue to fill your life with beautiful things if you let me…”

  “I have to go, John. I have to think...”

  “Please, Kat…don’t let people who don’t know or care about either of us ruin this chance we have for happiness. Don’t do it, I’m begging you…”

  A tear splashed from Katja’s eye onto the white table cloth, and then it expanded just enough to leave a small pear-shaped mark. Katja stood up. “I’m sorry, John. I have to go,” she said again, and then she left.

  He sat there at the table, alone, his full plate in front of him. John could not eat, but he also could not leave. His body was frozen with grief. He had been foolish to allow himself to believe that he would be blessed with happiness that brought him and a white woman together as man and wife. He, of all people, should have known that the world would come between them.

  CHAPTER 9

  The following day a dark, gray sky poured torrents of rain over the city of Tel Aviv. Rains like these were not common events in Israel. The sheets of water came down in angles, and the sun refused to make an appearance at all.

  Ima had not come home the previous night. The lengths of her absences were growing. Because of this, it was hard to say when she might return, if at all. Katja had tried locking Ima in her room, but she climbed out the window. Katja had even gone so far as to hire a man to come and nail Ima’s window shut, but it did nothing.

  Ima waited until Katja and Zofia were asleep and then she left by the front door. The only option Katja could think of to save her daughter was to institutionalize her, but Zofia was terrified of the idea.

  “Once you put her in a crazy house she will carry that stigma for the rest of her life. People will treat her differently. She’ll have trouble getting jobs, getting married, everything. Don’t do it, Katja. We have to work this out on our own,” Zofia said.

  Katja reluctantly agreed. Every day that went by Ima was in danger. Ima had no regard for her life. It seemed to Katja that her daughter was on a suicidal path, and no one could stop her. “I have to do something, Mother. She isn’t going to make it if I don’t. She’s taking drugs and God only knows where she is getting all of the money she has in her room. If she is sleeping with men for money, she could run into a dangerous one and then, anything could happen. I don’t know when the last time was that she went to school…”

  “Yes, all of that is true, and the tutor isn’t working. Ima won’t even study with her,” Zofia said. “I am at a loss here.”

  “I’m going to try another therapist. That’s all I can do. But all I know, Mama, is that I have to do something. I can’t just sit back and let her destroy herself. Just look at her. She’s so skinny she looks like a scarecrow, with all that black makeup all over her eyes and her hair chopped off. Oh, mama…our Ima is in trouble.”

  “I know…I know…” Zofia said.

  Katja hated to burden her mother. Zofia’s skin was almost as gray as the sky outside. She was also scarecrow-thin, and Katja knew how hard it was for her to keep food or water down.

  Katja wished that she could talk to John. He was a warm blanket for her in the midst of a cold and terrible world. And yet, she was afraid, afraid of what people would say if she were to join her life with the life of a man of color.

  Yesterday, she’d felt the heavy hand of bigotry and judgment weigh upon her neck, bending her head and mind down to its will. She’d walked out on him, left him sitting in a restaurant, to face the angry stares all alone. She could call him, but there was nothing to say. She didn’t have the courage that it would take to weather the hatred of an interracial marriage. And now John was gone. Katja felt alone and empty as she got up to make a pot of tea and try to entice her mother to have some breakfast.

  She had never told Zofia about John. In fact, until yesterday, nobody had known about the friendship that Katja, and John shared. It was easier that way, but not realistic. If they were to go forward with their relationship, they couldn’t spend the rest of their lives meeting in a park. The alternative was too hard to face.

  “Mama, have some warm pita?”

  Zofia nodded her head. “A quarter of a piece. That’s enough.”

  “I bought some lovely dried fruit. Will you have a little?”

  “No, not today, it has a funny aftertaste to me,” Zofia said.

  Katja felt the familiar pang of fear shoot through her again. Any day, she could lose her mother, any hour she could lose her daughter. Nothing felt safe, and nothing felt secure—nothing but John, and now she would have to get over him. Katja knew herself, and she was too weak to bear the shame, the stares, and the humiliation. She had been so careful to avoid anyone finding out about her secret, horrific bloodline. And she hid all of it because she had wanted so much to be accepted. So how could she possibly bring such negative attention to herself now?

  She couldn’t. She would rather endure the pain of loss than face the criticism, and right now she despised herself for her weakness.

  CHAPTER 10

  A year later, Ima walked out into traffic and was hit by a car. It was fortunate that the automobile was moving slowly. Ima was not seriously hurt, but Katja was terribly shaken by the incident.

  It was hard to determine if Ima was attempting suicide, if she was out of her mind on drugs, or if the whole thing was an accident. The staff at the hospital drew Ima’s blood and determined that Ima had not recently ingested any illegal substances, but she did have traces in her blood of having taken drugs in the previous days.

  Katja stood at Ima’s bedside and broke down in
to tears. There was nothing she could do for her daughter, nothing at all. The sweet child who she and Mendel had adored was disintegrating before her eyes, and all she could do was weep. Ima turned away from her mother. She would not look at Katja, and this broke Katja’s heart even more.

  “What can I do for you, Ima? How can I help you?” Katja begged through heart-wrenching tears, but Ima would not answer.

  Katja decided that she had no choice. If she wanted to save her daughter’s life, she must sign Ima into a mental ward before things escalated to the point of no return. Zofia finally agreed.

  Zofia’s cancer was in remission, and she was feeling stronger. She wanted to finish her memoirs quickly, but she could not focus on anything but Ima.

  After the accident, the hospital kept Ima overnight just to be sure she did not have a concussion. When Katja arrived the following day, she decided that she must tell Ima what she planned to do.

  “How do you feel?”

  “I’m okay.” Ima said, her voice small. The childlike tone reminded Katja of Ima as a toddler, and she almost began to weep again.

  “Ima, your grandmother and I are very worried about you.”

  “I’m fine. There’s nothing to worry about.”

  “Ima, you’re not fine. You’re nowhere near fine,” Katja said, her voice cracking. “I love you. Bubbie loves you, too. We want to help you…”

  “I said, don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

  Katja took a deep breath. “We’re going to put you into a hospital. A hospital for people who have problems. It’s place where you’ll be safe. A place where you can get some help…”

  “No… I don’t want to go into a hospital. How dare you try to put me in a nut house? I’m not going…”

  “You are if I say you are. You’re still a seventeen-year-old child, and you’ll do as I say.” Katja’s face was beet red.