“You’re so beautiful,” he cupped her jaw. His gaze swept over her again. He lifted the wedding band and chain from her chest and Amanda felt sick. She was supposed to remove that before showering and leave it on her dresser; she was so used to it being there that she had forgotten it.
“Was it your mother’s?” Reece asked.
Amanda closed her eyes and felt tears well; she couldn’t do this.
“Amanda? What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
“It wasn’t my mother’s. It was Cade’s mother’s,” she admitted.
“Oh,” she watched his brows draw down. “I see.”
“Reece, I’m sorry, I figured Cadey-Lynn would want it one day…”
“That’s why you wear it?” his gaze was searching hers.
“No,” Amanda felt her tears spill over. “I’m sorry, Reece; I wanted to do this I really did.”
“Why, Amanda? Because you love me?” Reece demanded.
“I really like you, Reece,” she offered around her tears.
“You’re ready to sleep with me because you really like me,” Reece sighed and shoved a hand through his hair, “or because you wanted to prove something to yourself?”
“Reece, I’m sorry. You have been so patient with me and I knew you wanted to sleep with me but you never made an issue of it,” Amanda tried explaining.
“I do want you but not like this, not with you here to prove something, Amanda. I knew something was off when you arrived; I just wasn’t sure what,” Reece shook his head; his gaze was tender when it landed on Amanda. “You’re still in love with him, Amanda. I knew it the night I showed up wearing the wrong cologne; I just couldn’t decide what to do about it, because I love you and I wanted to give it every chance I could.”
“Reece, it was a long time ago and I’m moving on with my life,” Amanda was sobbing now.
“You’re trying, Amanda; I’ll give you that. The fact is you still love him, doesn’t matter that he left you; you love him. You aren’t ready to move on and you certainly aren’t ready for this. You can’t put a magic number on it, Amanda. There isn’t a day on the calendar that you get up and flip a switch and it’s suddenly all over. It doesn’t work that way.”
“I am so sorry, Reece.”
“For what? Loving deeply and whole heatedly? No one should ever apologize for that,” Reece wrapped his arms around her and stroked her back.
“I have no right to ask this but will you just hold me, just for a moment?”
“I’ll hold you as long as you want,” he promised.
____________________________________________________
Amanda drove back to the ranch the next morning feeling as though she been through a great battle and lost. She couldn’t believe that she had cried herself to sleep in Reece’s arms and he had held her all night without waking her to run her off. Amanda sighed. She was obviously broken. Another amazing, wonderful guy who was ready to devote himself to her and all she could feel was friendship and a little physical attraction. She had to be a guy’s worst nightmare. She carried around a thing for an old flame and couldn’t quite get the hang of the whole casual sex thing. It was with a defeated sigh that Amanda entered the house to pick up her daughter.
“Hi,” Jenny greeted with a smile. Her smile faded as she surveyed her friend. “You don’t look like a woman who just had an uninhibited night of amazing sex; what happened?” Jenny demanded a she motioned for Amanda to sit down at the table while Jenny finished preparing homemade baby food.
“Well, first of all I forgot to take this off,” Amanda lifted the ring from her neck.
“Amanda! You’re still wearing that thing?” Jenny’s eyes were wide. Amanda nodded. “Oh, Mandy, honey,” Jenny moved to the table and slid down across from her friend. “He wanted to know about it,” Jenny guessed.
“Yes, and I started crying and it went downhill from there. I cried myself to sleep in his arms and he held me all night. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I fall head over heels in love with him, Jenny?”
“Mandy, I’m sorry. What did he say?” Jenny was watching her friend closely.
“He told me that I wasn’t ready to be dating, let alone sleeping with someone, that I couldn’t mark a date on the calendar and decide to flip it off at the switch,” Amanda shared.
“I’m sorry, Mandy; we didn’t mean to rush you and hurt you. We just wanted to see you happy,” Jenny moved to hug Amanda.
“I made the decisions not all of you. I am through with dating, Jenny; I can’t keep doing this to myself or to these poor men,” Amanda wiped at her tears. “Reece is right; I’m not ready. I need to get Cadey-Lynn,” Amanda stood.
“Leave her and go take a little time for yourself. She is busy imparting all her worldly knowledge on to Angie. This is the quietest Angie has been in a long time,” Jenny offered her friend a smile.
“I think I will. Thanks, Jenny.”
“You’re welcome. I love you, Mandy.”
“I love you too,” Amanda hugged Jenny fiercely.
Amanda pulled her Jeep down to her cabin and changed her clothes before she walked to the barn and climbed into the loft to be alone with her memories. She hadn’t been up here in a long time, she mused as she remembered how she used to escape up here to read. Amanda closed her eyes and let memories, some happy, some bittersweet wash over her. To change anything would be to forego her daughter and Amanda knew she wouldn’t undo any of it. Amanda was still lying there when she heard her father come in and start talking to the horses as he went about his work. She was considering climbing down to say hi when she heard her aunt enter; her aunt seldom came to the barn.
“What brings you out here, Naomi?” Sterling greeted his sister.
“I have held my tongue for years, Sterling, I have tried not to interfere with the way you were raising your children unless it was something I felt strongly on but I have to say something now. I only wish I had said it sooner,” Naomi’s voice was shaking.
“Do you know what you have done to your daughter? Do you know how much pain she is still in? She just went and threw herself at a man she doesn’t love because everyone keeps telling her to move on. You say you want her happy but you never gave them a chance, Sterling. Cade might have been like Darrell, he might have broken her heart in the long run but at least then she would have a sense of closure; she doesn’t even have that, all she has are questions!”
“Naomi, I made what I felt was the best decision for my daughter; do you think I wanted to hurt her? No! But I wasn’t going to sit back and watch some cowboy ruin her life. Amanda deserves better…”
“She deserves better than you have treated her, Sterling. Could you not see the way they watched each other? Have you forgotten what that felt like? You had that, Sterling; you had that with Nikkie. What if by sending Cade away you took her one shot at having what you had?” Naomi asked before she turned and left.
Amanda lay on her back, tears of gratitude on her cheeks. Below, Amanda could hear her father slamming things around.
“I know what’s best,” he muttered. “I did what I had to do.”
Amanda waited until he stormed from the barn to climb from the loft and meander out of the barn. She walked and walked until she came to a small out cropping of rocks on a rise overlooking one of the many creeks that cut across the ranch. Thunder rumbled overhead but Amanda ignored it. At some point she had taken all of her hurt, dreams, and fears and had carefully packed them away rather than dealing with them. Last night had ransacked them, strewing them across her mind and heart leaving her no choice but to acknowledge they were still there. As the skies opened, Amanda lifted her face and closed her eyes to let the rain wash away her tears. A moment later she lay flat on her back as sobs wracked her body. By the time Amanda had cried herself out, the rain had slacked to a gentle drizzle. Feeling chilled, Amanda sat up and stood to return to the cabin. She took a long shower before settling down with her journal to make an entry before going for her daughter.
Cade,
I have failed at yet another relationship. I’m through trying. I threw myself at him, Cade. I decided that if I slept with him it would get you out of my head. Only you were right; I don’t do casual relationships and I couldn’t do it. He held me while I cried myself to sleep and then all night. If I can’t fall for a man like that then I am through trying. I can’t keep putting myself or these men through that. My Aunt Naomi stood up for us this afternoon, Cade. She completely shocked me. Neither of them knew I was in the loft; sound familiar? Naomi said something, she said that in the long run perhaps you would have been like Darrell and would have hurt me. Now I’m wondering: who was Darrell? Is my aunt more like me that I realized? I love you; I always will. Miss you.
Thirty-Six
Amanda started cleaning the day after Cadey-Lynn’s third birthday, clearing her house of junk the way the Chinook winds were clearing the ground of snow. She had gone through every kitchen cabinet, the refrigerator, the freezer, and the pantry. She then moved into the office to go through paperwork and file away newer paperwork, while tossing out outdated documents that longer needed to be kept. She then tackled the living room and the ever growing movie collection Cadey-Lynn had started. She de-webbed, dusted, vacuumed, mopped, cleared the bathroom cabinets of all but what was needed and then headed up stairs. Cadey-Lynn had followed behind her much of the day and copied her mother’s actions. When Amanda moved into Cadey-Lynn’s room she sat down with the toy box and called her daughter over. This was now their third day of spring cleaning.
“Okay, Cadey-Lynn, you have out grown a lot of these toys and we have to get rid of some. I want you to help me choose some to give to Angie and then we are going to throw away the ones that are broken, okay?”
“I can keep my favorites?” Cadey-Lynn’s blue eyes were anxious.
“Yes, ma’am; we aren’t going give away the things you enjoy most,” Amanda promised. Three hours later Amanda had managed to convince Cadey-Lynn that not every toy in the toy box was her favorite and to weed out the broken ones.
Amanda stopped for lunch and then tackled Cadey-Lynn’s clothing. She packed away what Cadey-Lynn had outgrown for Angie. She then moved to her room, to get rid of clothing that she no longer wore from her drawers before turning to the closet. She reached the back, her hand hesitating before she pulled out Cade’s shirt and jacket and laid them on the bed.
“Are you sad, Mommy?” Cadey-Lynn climbed onto the bed.
“This shirt was your daddy’s,” Amanda explained. “So was the jacket.”
“Where is Daddy?”
“I don’t know; I wish I did.”
“You don’t know?” Cadey-Lynn’s blue eyes were inquisitive.
“Things happened that kept us apart; as far as I know he doesn’t even know about you, sweetheart.”
“We find him,” Cadey-Lynn looked hopeful.
“I have tried. In fact, I tried again just a few weeks ago,” Amanda admitted.
“Would he like me?” Cadey-Lynn’s blue eyes were hopeful.
“Oh, sweetheart, he would love you,” Amanda assured her daughter with a kiss on her sweet forehead.
That evening after Cadey-Lynn was in bed and the last room was completely cleaned, Amanda showered, pulled on Cade’s shirt and a pair of leggings before doing something she had promised herself over a year ago she would never do again. She grabbed a foot stool, reached into the back of the closet to pull a large boot box out and carried it down stairs to reread Cade’s letters.
Amanda found herself laughing, often remembering what she had written that had prompted certain comments, at other times wishing she could recall. By the time she had made it to the last several letters they had shared after their relationship had changed Amanda was crying again. The things he had written made his disappearance that much harder to understand. I find myself lying awake thinking about you, Manny. I worry that your father will never see me as good enough for his little girl. Did you know your eyes have just a hint of blue at the very edges?, Every time we kiss and touch each other only for me to have to leave the sense of expectation builds in me. I can’t wait until we can truly be together; until I can make love to you and hold you all night. I like this sense of expectation, Amanda; it makes waiting to be with you all the sweeter. Sentence after sentence stuck with Amanda as she put the lid back on the box; it simply didn’t add up- it didn’t make any sense. Cade was either the best actor to ever live or he had really felt those things. Maybe she was just that gullible. Amanda wrapped her arms around a teddy bear he had sent her one Easter and curled onto her side, trying and failing to make sense of it all.
___________________________________________________
Amanda watched as spring slowly edged winter out and filled the fields around the house with brilliantly colored wildflowers. Her family had backed off of encouraging her to move on, seeming to accept that she had to take life on her terms, at her own pace. Reece remained friends with the family, though he and Amanda were careful to keep their distance. She regretted hurting him; he was too nice to be treated poorly and she felt that she had.
Angie’s upcoming first birthday filled much of their thoughts, that and her new sibling that would arrive in eight months. Amanda had teased both her brother and Jenny that they certainly didn’t waste any time.
Amanda was worried for her father. He had recovered well from his stroke but he didn’t seem to be his self. He was moving slowly and was short tempered with nearly all around him, save his grandchildren. When Amanda asked him if he was okay he had snapped at her, never quite answering the question.
The day of Angie’s birthday he seemed to have set that all aside and smiled and laughed with everyone and Amanda felt herself relaxing; maybe her daddy was okay after all. However as summer approached, he spent more and more time piddling in the barn avoiding the family and Amanda sensed tension between her father and Trenton.
“You are not the man of this family, Trenton!”
Amanda heard her father yell one afternoon as she neared the barn.
“You need to ask yourself if you can deal with this on your conscious, Dad. I am giving you until the end of summer to make this right or I will.”
“Don’t you threaten me!” Sterling bellowed.
Amanda entered the barn, her concern growing as she looked between her brother and her father. Trenton looked grim but determined; Sterling looked incensed. Sterling turned and stormed out of the barn leaving Trent to sigh and shove a hand through his hair.
“You okay?” Amanda asked her brother.
“Yeah, I love Dad but I had to call him on something.”
“If you feel he’s wrong you should. I love him too but he can be awfully stubborn,” Amanda grinned. Trenton crossed to where his sister stood and wrapped her in a hug.
“I love you, Mandy Lynn; I’m sorry for the way things went down sweetheart,” her brother kissed her forehead.
“I love you too, Trent,” she pushed onto her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.
It was later that evening that her father sought her out where she sat on her porch swing; the movie Cadey-Lynn was watching inside spilled through the screen door.
“Hey, Mandy Lynn,” Sterling seated himself beside his daughter.
“Hi, Daddy.”
They sat quietly for a time, listening to the night sounds and Cadey Lynn’s laughter.
“Amanda?”
“Yes?”
“Why haven’t you moved on, sweetheart? You are so beautiful and all the men around town are just waiting for a sign of encouragement from you.”
“I tried, I hurt myself and them.”
They fell quiet again.
“Daddy?” she finally spoke again.
“Hmm?”
“Why did you never remarry?” she had never in all her life asked her father that question, though she had wondered on many occasions.
“I guess I’m just a one woman man. I never could quite seem to look at another woman and feel any
thing close to what I felt for your mother. I didn’t want to settle for less,” her father explained.
Amanda nodded and stared across the yard at the main house.
“I guess I’m cut from the same cloth as my father,” she told him before kissing his cheek and standing to move inside. She glanced back to find his expression set in a mask of anger and hurt that she couldn’t quite understand.
“Love you, Daddy,” Amanda slipped inside and shut the door behind her. She heard her father’s heavy steps leaving the porch a short while later and sighed. She so wished she could understand what was going on with her father.
“Mommy,” Cadey-Lynn interrupted her mother’s thoughts.
“Can I have these, please? They’re perfect,” Cadey-Lynn’s eyes were bright and pleading.
“Let me see,” Amanda took a catalogue from her daughter. Circled on the page were a pair of pink cowgirl boots with rhinestone daisies on the side; it made Amanda smile as she remembered her own love of boots as a child. She still loved them.
“Those are really pretty,” Amanda agreed. A steep price tag too, though Amanda didn’t mind too much. A glance at the front made her heart sink.
“Baby girl, the nearest place to get these is four and a half hours away,” Amanda explained. “If I thought I could get the right size we might could order them,” Amanda chewed her lip. “We’ll see; you hang on to this okay?” Amanda returned the catalogue to her daughter.
“Thank you, Mommy; I love you,” Cadey-Lynn jumped up to hug her mother.
“I love you too, Cadey-Lynn.”
____________________________________________________
Amanda showered before slipping into Cade’s shirt and a pair of worn, comfortable jeans. Cadey-Lynn was already in bed for the night and Amanda had decided to start the new book she had bought in town the day before. Summer was starting to wane, fall approaching and tensions remained high around the ranch, though none of the women seemed able to get an explanation from either of the men. Amanda was about ready to pack up and take her daughter out of town for a few days, maybe take her to buy the boots she kept going on and on about; it would certainly make Cadey-Lynn happy, she mused with a smile.
Under the Open Sky (Montana Heritage Series) Page 34
