I felt him pulling away and became anxious. I needed him to stay like he was. His support was going to get me through the day. I couldn’t make him upset with me. My hand reached out and grabbed his. “You’re right. We don’t have to talk about it.”
He smiled before grabbing a towel and walking out of the bathroom.
The next hour was spent getting myself ready. I wanted to look my best, considering the element of what was happening. I wanted to be beautiful for my mother and her memory. These people that knew about my past, her co-workers and church friends, they’d all be wondering about me. I had to be strong on the outside, no matter how weak I was on the inside. I couldn’t let their whispers get to me, not while I was burying my beloved mother.
Jacob looked cute in his little dress pants and tie. He was holding his father’s hand as we walked to the car. When he climbed in and got buckled, I turned around to check on him. “You okay, buddy?”
“Are they gonna put Nana in the ground now?”
“First we have a viewing, where people come and say goodbye to her.”
He got excited. “She’ll be there? I can talk to her?”
Jessie reached over and grabbed my hand. He looked in the rearview mirror. “Buddy, Nana’s body is still here with us, but her spirit has already gone to heaven.”
“Is she empty?”
How do you explain this to a child? “How about we just show you when we get there?” I didn’t have the energy to explain it all.
Things were different since our shower encounter. Jessie drove, but kept quiet. He didn’t offer his hand, but didn’t pull away when I attempted to hold his. I couldn’t worry about him regretting what happened. I had a big day to get through.
We arrived at the funeral home an hour early. Jacob jumped out of the car like we were going to an amusement park. Jessie grabbed his hand and calmed him down before we went inside.
The director creeped me out. He was extremely tall and reminded me of Lurch from the Addams Family. Since I’d never met him in person, I was taken back by his height. Jacob looked up and stared at him like he was a freak show. I put my body in front of his. “Is everything in order for my mother’s viewing?”
“Yes. The flowers have been set up around the casket. About ten minutes before the start of the viewing, I’ll open the casket. You’re free to go inside now, if you’d like.”
Three days ago my mother died at the hospital. Since she’s made her own arrangements, she was transported to the mortician here at the funeral home. I hadn’t yet seen her and I was petrified of it. “Okay, thank you.”
Jessie grabbed my hand and walked with me toward the double doors. I reached out and opened the door, immediately feeling as if I were going to pass out. The dizziness got worse when I looked up and saw the casket surrounded by flowers.
Jessie squeezed my hand. I looked up at him and started crying. He pulled me into his arms. “Mom, don’t cry.”
I looked down at Jacob. “I’m just sad.”
“Where’s Nana? Can I see her body now?”
Jessie let go of my hand and squatted down to be the same height as our son. “Buddy, you know how people get sad when someone dies?”
“Yeah, like Mommy is right now?”
“Exactly. You see, some people want to have the opportunity to say goodbye, even after the person has gone to Heaven. So special people take the body and they make the person look how they did before they died. Then their friends and loved ones can come and say their last goodbyes. Do you understand?”
“Her body is dead?”
“Nana is in Heaven. Only her old body is here. She’s not in it anymore.” Jessie was so patient with him.
“Then why should we talk to it? She can’t hear us anymore.” He was so confused.
He was being logical. “Sweetie, Nana can still hear us in heaven. Some people just like to say goodbye to her body. Do you understand?”
“Nope. How long do we have to stay here?”
Jessie and I stood up, looking at each other with concern over our son. He wasn’t going to be good. I could just see it coming.
As much as I would have liked the courage to walk up to the front, I waited until the manager came back in to open the casket. Even then I couldn’t make myself look. Of course, Jacob was curious. He wanted to see his Nana’s body.
I think Jessie could see the fear in my eyes. He grabbed Jacob and took him to the side, saying something that I couldn’t hear. He just looked up at his father and shook his head. Knowing Jessie, he was probably bribing him with ice-cream.
While they were talking, I glanced over at the casket. The flower arrangements were beautiful and I wanted to see who had been so thoughtful. It wasn’t surprising that there were so many. My mother was a wonderful woman. She worked in the hospital all of her adult life. Church was her second home, where she ran the nursery up until she got sick. Some of her best friends were members of the congregation.
I hadn’t been to church with my mother in a long time. Even when I visited, I stayed away. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to attend Sunday service. I just didn’t want to run into Ty and his family. Miranda hated me. I’d had nightmares of her shooting me in the back of the church. I deserved to fear her, for obvious reasons, but I never meant to put her life in danger. I’d never physically harm a child. It made me sick to think about.
Jessie caught my attention, breaking my train of thought and getting me out of my pity party. I’d made my bed and I was going to have to live in it, alone.
Jacob walked up to me and grabbed my hand. “Mommy, can I say goodbye to Nana now?”
I looked up and saw that the casket was being opened. My heart stopped when I saw the top of my mother’s face peeking out. I had to be strong, except I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t know how to say goodbye.
Chapter 6
Jessie
Heather was in rare form. She couldn’t even take the steps up there to see her mother’s body. People were starting to arrive, Jacob was getting antsy, and she just stood there like a statue. I tried my best to be supportive, but had no idea what I was supposed to say to her.
I’d let my better judgment go out the door and had sex with her, after I’d promised myself that it was never going to happen again. One minute I was sure I was done with her then the next I was right back in it. Obviously, my attraction to her hadn’t gone away. Her beauty was a drug that I couldn’t get off of.
Her being so emotional didn’t help with my wanted to severe ties. It made me feel guilty, like I was abandoning her when she legitimately needed me the most.
As the room started filling with people, I realized that I was going to have to do something, otherwise they’d be approaching Heather, who refused to speak. I leaned in and whispered in her ear. “Babe, they’re starting to come in. I’m not going to leave you, but you’re going to have to talk to people.”
She gave me the look of fear, like I was asking her to cut off her leg. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Since I didn’t know any of these people, I had no clue what to say or do.
Thankfully, a nice looking brunette came walking up to us. She smiled at me and tapped on Heather’s shoulder. She turned around and just looked at her for a second, before starting to cry again. The brunette hugged her and patted her on the back. “I know it’s hard. I’m so sorry for you, Heather.”
Heather finally pulled away and looked at the brunette. “Thank you for coming, Van. I never expected it.”
She grabbed Heather’s hand. “Last year, you gave me advice about cancer. I told you about it before I even told my husband. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through those treatments, but I did it. Your mother was a wonderful woman who fought a long battle. You have to know that she’s no longer in pain.”
Heather nodded. I was still in disbelief that another member of the Mitchell family was being nice to her. “I know. I feel horrible for not being here when it happened. She was all alone. I will never forgive
myself for that.”
I stood there watching the two of them talk as if they were longtime friends. Finally I couldn’t stand being left out. I interrupted them mid-sentence. “Excuse me, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Jessie.”
The girl named Van looked at me and smiled. “Oh Amy told me she met you earlier today.”
Heather’s mouth dropped and I could tell that I was going to have to explain. I almost wished that I hadn’t butted in on their conversation. “Yeah. She’s was nice. So, do you live here in town?” I tried to play it off like I didn’t know she lived in Kentucky.
“No, I flew in with my family this morning. My mother and Heather’s mother have known each other for years. Heather and I have known each other since we were little girls. When something tragic like this happens, it makes all of the adolescent drama not so important. Miss Kat was a member of our community and church. Being a cancer survivor myself, it’s important that I’m here to celebrate her life.”
“I never expected you to come, Van. You didn’t have to.”
“It’s the twins birthday this weekend, so it wasn’t like we weren’t coming anyway. I just changed my flight to a couple days sooner. Besides, my mother was already planning on coming.” Van looked up at the alter. “How did they do with her makeup?”
Heather shrugged. “I haven’t been able to go look. It will make it real and I don’t think I’m ready to face that yet. I don’t want to say goodbye to her. She hasn’t even been gone that long and I feel like I can’t go on without her.” She started bawling, burying her face into my chest. I held her close and looked over at Van.
She looked like she honestly felt bad for Heather. A woman, with some resemblance to her, came up behind her. I could tell it was her mother. She stood there and finally reached out to touch Heather on the arm. “Are you okay?”
“Not really. I always hated these things.” Heather admitted.
“Focus on the people that are here, instead of what’s in the casket. Mingle and chat with your mom’s friends, keeping your mind off of it. When you’re ready, you’ll know it. It will get easier.” Her mother was very assuring.
Heather managed to smile. “Thanks, Mrs. Tate.”
The woman led Heather over to a bunch of ladies that were there from church, leaving me standing there with Jacob and Van. She crouched down and looked at my son. “Hey, kiddo. Do you remember me?”
He ducked back behind my leg.
“You were at the church picnic with your mom and my little girl played with you.”
He slowly walked out and stared at her. “I’m Jacob.”
“I know.” She smiled. “How are you doing?”
“My Nana is dead. Her body is here, but she moved to Heaven. We can’t go see her though. I’m not allowed there. That’s so stupid. I should be allowed to see my Nana, but now I can’t.” He stuck out his bottom lip and just stood there waiting for her to reply.
“You know, I heard that when Nana’s go to Heaven, they become angels.”
“Can she fly?” He seemed excited. Van looked up at me and smiled before answering him.
“Maybe. Angels watch over us and keep us safe. I bet she’s watching over you right now.”
“But I can’t see her.” He actually looked around the room for her.
“That’s because angels are so special that we can’t ever see them, but we can still talk to them. Whatever you want to say to her, she’ll be able to hear you.”
“Really?”
“Yep,” she assured him.
Jacob went running over to tell his mother. Van stood up and looked at me. “I hope I helped. Kids are hard to read. I know explaining death is complicated.”
“Yeah, thanks for doing that. Heather’s been having a real hard time. I’m doing my best to help out, but we’re not exactly together anymore.”
“Amy told me earlier. I’m sorry to hear that. When I saw Heather at the church picnic she seemed like she wanted things to be better. I can tell she’s changed.”
I was too confused to keep my mouth shut. “Why are you being so nice to her? I mean, didn’t she try to ruin your life? She said your family hates her.”
“My issues with Heather were back when I was dating Tyler. It wasn’t her fault that she fell in love with the same person that I did. He was the one who strung her along. I think she kept hoping that someday they would be together. Shoot, knowing Ty the way I do, I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually told her it was going to happen. He had a way with charming people to think he was great. I was one of the people that believed everything out of his mouth. We were young and stupid, with no regard for what a meaningful relationship was all about. My qualms with Heather are in the past. Because of her actions, I fell in love with my husband. I don’t think we would be together had she not been around. In some ways I’m actually grateful to her. I’m married to a wonderful man and we have three beautiful children.”
This chick seemed like she appreciated Heather for sleeping with her boyfriend. I was at a loss for words. “So, you don’t hold hard feelings toward her?”
“Heather has done her share of bad things. I feel blessed enough with my life to forgive people for their actions. Unfortunately, my cousin doesn’t feel the same way. Heather almost cost them their lives. They’ll never get over that, no matter what happened.”
“But you don’t hate her?”
She shook her head. “Not anymore. I’ve come to understand that love can make someone do drastic things. Heather was a victim before she became vindictive. Had she been treated fairly, I have to believe that things would have turned out very different. Although, that would also mean that you would have never met her. Can you really say that you wouldn’t want to have known her and made a beautiful son together? Maybe all of this happened for a reason?”
When she put things into perspective like that, it was hard to wish I’d never met her. My son was everything to me. I couldn’t imagine not being his father. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Amy told me that you want to talk to our family. I think it’s good that you want to know everything, but you need to know that once you do know, there is no going back. If Heather has changed like I think she has then why would it even matter what happened in her past?”
“Are you a counselor or something?” This chick was like Dr. Phil.
She laughed. “Hardly. I’m just a mom who has seen my fair share of tragedy. I live every day like it is my last. I’ve forgiving people for their mistakes and learned to love myself and be grateful for what God has given me. Not all people get to have second chances. I don’t want to disappoint the man upstairs for mine.” She pointed up, like she knew God personally. My mother would have loved this girl and everything she stood for. She was like a living angel herself.
“I get it. I really do. Still, I think I need to know who she was before I can move forward. I just want to know the whole story from the beginning. She’s told me that she has issues with everyone in your family. I want to know why. I need to know how she got involved with Rick and why Conner used her the way he did, then acted cordial to her this morning. None of it makes sense and I can’t stand it anymore. I’m ready to walk away and see my son on weekends because I can’t trust his mother. Please. I just want to know the truth.”
She reached out and grabbed my arm. “I hope you find what you’re looking for. My family can be trying, but I’m sure they will shed some light on whatever questions you may still have. I just hope that when you know, you still let her explain her side.”
“I have a feeling that I’m not going to like what I find out.”
She cocked her eyebrow. “I’ve said too much. This isn’t the time or place. I’m here because I know what it’s like to have cancer. Her mother fought for her life. She left behind a daughter struggling with the person she needs to be. I’m not a counselor, or even someone that gives people advice, but I am a mother. Heather loves her son and she loves you.” She paused and looked around the room. “Si
x years ago Heather was young and desperate. If I were in her place, maybe I would have done the same thing. I know that I’d die for my husband and he’d do the same for me.”
“I guess when I find everything out I can decide for myself then?”
She smiled. “It was nice meeting you in person, Jessie. If you’ll excuse me, I need to say hello to some people from church.”
I watched her walk away and knew it wasn’t to talk to some old ladies. She wanted to get as far away from me as possible. After looking around the room, I spotted Heather talking amongst a group of women. They were smiling and she seemed to be more relaxed.
I really hoped that I’d be able to forgive her, because walking away from her was going to be hard when I still loved her. Maybe I was trying to find reasons to stop loving her, if that was even possible. I wondered if I could hate and love someone at the same time.
Only time would tell.
Chapter 7
Heather
So many people had showed up to pay their respects to my mother. They were friendly to me, even giving me hugs and asking how I was doing. I started to feel a little braver halfway through the viewing. Since we lived in a small town, and my mother knew the funeral home director and her pastor, her service had all been arranged to be held back at the church at four. The viewing was supposed to go until three, but most people cleared out around two.
I was surprised to see that Van and her mother had stuck around. They were mingling amongst the other members of the congregation. Jessie had taken Jacob out to get a snack, since he was getting antsy again.
Slowly, but surely, I made my way up to where my mother’s body was. My hands felt clammy and the dizziness from before had come back. As much as I wanted to be brave, knowing that I had to do this, I took those final steps up there.
To prevent myself from passing out, I put both hands on the casket. My eyes opened slowly, focusing on her hands first. Like other deceased bodies, her hands were together. She was holding a cross and wearing her mother’s ring that I’d given her the Christmas before.
Losing Him (Mitchell Family Series Book 8) Page 4
