“I never meant to hurt anyone, I swear!”
Ty looked at me and I almost could see that he knew I was telling the truth. I hadn’t gone there that day hoping she would die. I just wanted them to break up.
I started crying. “I wish I could take it all back. You don’t know how sorry I am.”
“You don’t deserve to be a mother, Heather. Everything you touch turns to shit! I wish you’d just disappear. It isn’t like anyone would ever miss you!”
Ty and Conner grabbed each of her arms and started pulling her away from us. Conner looked back at me. “Sorry about this.”
I covered my face with my hands, but Jessie didn’t come to comfort me. “Let’s go! Now!”
I followed behind him knowing that my happy time had ended. I’d lied to him, yet again and he wasn’t going to let it go. He was going to leave and there was nothing that I could do to stop him.
We gathered our things and headed for the car. In the distance I could see Amy trying to talk to Miranda. Ty was leaning against his car, while little kids ran around with flashlights.
All I wanted was to be able to get passed everything that had happened. Sadly, it was never going to happen. I had to get out of this town, because there was nothing here for me anymore. Loving Ty had ruined my life. Losing Jessie was going to kill me.
Not a single word was spoken between me and Jessie the whole car ride. I had so much that I wanted to say, but the words just wouldn’t come. No matter how many ways I tried to come up with a logical explanation, I knew Jessie wasn’t going to care.
I’d had my chance to come clean. I’d promised him that there was nothing else to tell. Leave it to me to keep the worst part of it all from him. I felt awful inside, knowing that the only person I had to blame was myself.
This time, when they climbed out of the car and I stayed, they said nothing. Jessie was furious with me. All I could do was sit there and cry.
How could my life had gone so wrong? All I wanted was to be in love. I wanted someone to love me. Maybe I was just impossible to love.
Knowing that I couldn’t stay in the car any longer, I made my way into the house. Jessie was coming down the hallway, with not only his bag, but Jacob’s too.
I tried to grab one of them. “Wait! What are you doing?”
“I’m taking my son home. This was a mistake, Heather. I gave you a chance to explain things. You told me that I knew everything.”
“I’m sorry. Please just let me explain?” I begged.
He pulled his arm away from me and got right up in my face. “You’re nothing but a liar. I don’t know what you did to that woman, but it’s clear that you’re hiding shit from me. I can’t trust you, Heather. I can’t be with someone that can’t tell me the truth.”
Jacob was sitting on the couch playing with his toys. Jessie looked over at him. “Come on, buddy.”
“Wait! Please don’t take him, Jess. Let me explain. Just hear me out. I’ll tell you everything.”
Jacob walked over and wrapped his arms around me. “I love you, Mommy.”
I bent down and hugged him so tight. “I love you, so much! Be good for Daddy. I’ll be home as soon as I can, okay?”
“Don’t cry, Mommy.”
“I’m just going to miss you.” I couldn’t tell him that Jessie was taking him away from me on purpose.
“Will you come home soon?”
I nodded and kissed him. “I will be as fast as I can.”
When I stood back up Jessie was walking out the door. “I’m taking your car, since you have your mother’s.”
I ran out after them. “Jess, please don’t do this. Please don’t leave me.”
He got Jacob in the car and stood to face me. “I really thought you changed, but you’re still that fucked up girl that showed up on my doorstep. Don’t worry about our son. I’ll take care of him.”
I was crying loudly and I couldn’t stop. “Please don’t take my baby from me. Please!”
He climbed in the car and pulled away without saying another word. I couldn’t believe that it had all really happened. I was flabbergasted and an emotional wreck. Everything that I loved had just drove away in a car, leaving me all alone.
Chapter 16
Jessie
I should have known better than to believe her. I just wanted things to work out, so that we could raise our son together. Heather didn’t realize that all of this wasn’t just hurting her. It was hurting me too.
She’d ripped out my heart and did not even paid attention to my feelings. As sorry as I was that she’d been through Hell and back, I couldn’t condone her lying to me. I was willing to forgive her for everything, if she’d just come clean.
Maybe I shouldn’t have left her there, but I had better things to do then sit by and be walked all over. Heather needed to learn that she’d never be happy if she couldn’t be honest with people.
Jacob cried for the first half hour that we were driving home. I felt horrible, taking him away from his mother like that. My anger had gotten the best of me. Before I knew what I was doing, Jacob and I were already on the road. My son had been dealing with this shit for too long. He needed a stable environment with no fighting. Had I not walked to check on them, I don’t know what would have happened in front of him. It could have been so much worse.
Looking back, I should have let her tell me what they were talking about. Obviously Heather had done something and put Ty’s wife in danger. I got that much out of the conversation. At this point, it didn’t even matter if I ever found out. I was done with it all.
Heather could take that fucking wedding dress and find someone else, because I was taking myself out of that equation.
About two hours into the ride, Jacob asked if we could stop. I found a fast-food place that was still open and we went inside so that he could use the bathroom. After he was finished, I got him something to snack on and we headed back to the car. “Daddy, can we go back to Mommy now?”
I looked down at him. “Jacob, I know you don’t understand it right now, but you’re mom and I just can’t work things out. We tried, buddy. I swear we did.”
“But, I just want to see Mommy. She was so sad. I don’t want her to be sad. We should have helped her feel better. You should have hugged her.”
I patted him on the shoulder. “Mommy will be okay. We can call her when we get home. Is that okay?”
He shrugged and his bottom lip stuck out more than normal. I felt bad for him. “I don’t like you!”
I was shocked that he’d said that to me. “Why?”
“Because Mommy needs us and you left her. You are a big fat meanie head! She said she was sorry and you don’t care. I want to go back!” He started screaming at the top of his lungs. “I want Mommy! I want Mommy!”
I didn’t know what to do. He’d never acted that way around me. People were starting to look at me, like I had kidnapped him. In a desperate attempt to get him to shut up, I crouched down and held up my hands. “Jacob, stop it! Stop it right now!”
A tear was falling down his cheek. Seeing him hurt was breaking my heart. I thought about Heather, begging for me to listen. I thought about how hard her life had been and how she’d been running from it for years. I thought about really living my life without her.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I had overreacted and held a grudge over something that happened years ago. Sure, she had kept it from me, but that was her right. After what she’d already told me, I could see that she’d done it because it hurt her so much. It had been the worst time in her life.
What kind of man had I become? Did I really let hate rip apart a family? I sat down on the curb next to my son and ran my hands over my face. “Buddy, I don’t know what to do. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so mean to Mommy. She just made me so mad.”
“When I get mad at my friends, Mommy tells me to forgive them. She says that everybody makes mistakes. Timmy Wallace stole my carpet square at reading time for a whole week. I to
ld him we couldn’t be friends anymore, but Mommy told me to forgive him.” He sat there acting so mature, like he had all the answers in life.
I rubbed his head. “I love you, Jacob. Even if you don’t love me. Daddy just needs time to think about things. I’m not trying to make you mad at me.”
“I do love you, Daddy, but I love Mommy, too. She nice and people are mean to her all the time. I don’t want her to cry anymore. Can’t we just go back? Please take me back so I can hug her?” I’d never seen my child so serious before.
I thought long and hard about the situation that I was in. Things were so messed up. I had my parents on my back all the time about doing the right thing, but I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was.
Obviously, when she’d met me for the first time, she was running. Even though she should have told me who she was, I got why she thought she couldn’t. Then we jumped into a relationship, and I guess there was just no way for her to come clean. One thing I never doubted was her love for me. After all that we’d been through, I was starting to feel like an ass for pushing her away. She needed me and I kept walking away. It was ridiculous that she was still around, waiting for me, when I honestly wanted nothing to do with her.
It wasn’t my fault that I hated liars. From all of the secrets that had been kept from me, it wasn’t my fault. I’d come to learn that my whole childhood had been based on lies. My parents weren’t the people that made me. My father was a criminal, who may or may not have killed my mother. Heather being involved in all that was too much to handle.
Maybe I went off the deep end.
The woman that I fell in love with, the one that was running, wasn’t a bad person. She’d been thrown around by someone that used her for years. Now, she was doing the same thing with me. She was waiting for me, still hoping that I would come around.
I felt sorry for her. Heather loved people that weren’t capable of loving her back. I wasn’t like those assholes. I was in love with Heather. She was a caring and devoted person, who stood by what she wanted. She stayed true to her feelings, no matter how much pain she went through. Her strength was her gift and she didn’t even know it. It was both a good and a bad thing.
I had to stop being compulsive and hardheaded. There was a choice that needed to be made and I couldn’t just keep walking out when things got tough. It was affecting my son and I didn’t want him involved. He was too precious to both of us to be dragged into it all. I looked at his sad eyes. “I’ll tell you what. How about we get a room at a hotel for the night and in the morning we can head back to Mommy. I promise that I’ll listen to whatever she has to say. How does that sound?”
“Okay, but I still want to call her.” He added.
“We can still call her.” I promised.
Jacob stood up with his bag of chicken nuggets and walked to the back door of the car. “Let’s go!”
I followed him as if he was in charge.
A little while later, after I’d turned around, we stopped at a little motel and got a room for the night. Jacob had settled down as soon as he knew he was going back to his mother. I was still undecided on my feelings. It wasn’t like me to be so indecisive, but Heather had a way of making me crazy.
I wanted to do the right thing by my family, but it pissed me off that she couldn’t talk to me. Was it worth ripping apart our family? At first look, I thought yes, but after hearing Jacob, I was starting to think that I’d jumped the gun again.
I at least needed to hear her out. We could make a decision together and go from there. Of course, I already knew how Heather would feel. There was never a time where she’d asked me to leave. I had always been the one that walked away.
I needed to change and be a better person myself. It wasn’t just Heather that I was running away from. It was growing up and being responsible. Sure, I was a good dad, but I needed to learn to be a good partner. I needed to learn how to forgive and get over things, so we could all be happy together.
Chapter 17
Heather
I’d made it into my mother’s room before I lost all control over myself. Once again my heart had been shattered. Why was it so hard for me to be loved by someone? I would have done anything to make them happy and they still didn’t want me.
The things that I’d done had come back and bit me in the ass again. Unfortunately, I only had my self to blame. It was the bitter end of another relationship. My son would never have the happy family that he wanted. Instead, he’d be stuck in the middle of visitation rights. Knowing Jessie’s family, they’d push him for full custody and I’d have to lose more money by hiring a lawyer.
Without my mother, I had nobody to call and talk to. I was alone completely.
Devastated and out of options, I headed into the kitchen and found a bottle of dark rum. It hadn’t been opened, but was covered in dust, appearing to be very old. Hoping that it was strong, I opened the bottle and started drinking. The burn reminded me of what I was trying to accomplish. I wanted to get drunk and forget about the pain, if only for a little while. My life was empty and my heart was full of sadness. I had nothing to be happy about. It was pointless to cry myself to sleep, because I’d just wake up alone.
About an hour later I was feeling better. The dizziness wasn’t that bad as I headed upstairs to my mother’s sewing room. I looked down at that box that held the dress my mother had made for me. I don’t know why I did it, but I started stripping down to my underwear.
The box wasn’t taped, so it came open easy. I spread it out and stepped into it, feeling the smooth fabric against my skin. My body may have been numb, but I paid close attention to the way the dress felt. The detail was so beautiful. I ran my hands over the outside. Unable to fasten it in the back, I admired myself a little before heading back down to my mother’s room to get a better look in her full length mirror.
The bottle was half empty and I grabbed it, drinking another quarter all at once. The mirror behind my mother’s door let me see the whole dress. It was gorgeous and elegant. My mother must have spent a long time making it perfect. Every single detailed item was done by her hands. “Mom, I miss you so much. I can’t believe you’re gone. I don’t know what to do without you. How am I supposed to get through this?” I started crying, realizing that the alcohol could only numb the pain and the not the memory.
I dropped down the floor and watched myself crying in the mirror. I knew she couldn’t answer me, but I’d talked to her anyway, in a desperate attempt of having someone there for me. It was hopeless.
I’m not sure how long I sat there. Things became blurry quite fast. One minute I was crying on the floor and the next I was in my mother’s car driving down the road. Looking back, I knew it was a horrible thing to do, but nothing was making sense as I went through the motions.
There was only one place that I needed to be; one place to get things off of my chest. I wanted to scream and yell until the pain and anguish subsided.
The Mitchell Farm was dark as I pulled onto the dirt lane. I managed to turn off my headlights halfway up it. I stopped in the middle, leaving the car running, while I climbed out and started walking in bare feet. The gravel didn’t hurt my feet since I couldn’t feel them to begin with. My skin may have been numb, but nothing else was. Pain, loss, frustration, resentment, all overwhelmed me.
I needed someone to hear me. I wanted them to listen.
Like every weekend when we were younger, I knew where to find Tyler Mitchell. I held onto the sides of my dress as I made my way to the barn. Tears ran down my face when I thought of being fueled by hate. I had nothing left to lose.
Jessie had not only driven away with my heart. He’d taken my son and left me to dwell in my own empty hole of a life. He probably wished I was dead, instead of my kind mother.
Why would he ever want to see me again? All I’d ever done was lie to him. I couldn’t blame him for hating me when I hated myself and who I’d become.
I never expected to walk into the barn and see them all sit
ting there staring back at me. The only one missing was Miranda as my eyes focused on the ones looking back at me.
I held up my hand and pointed at the target. “You! You did this to me!”
Ty looked around the room, and then back at Conner. He crossed his arms and smiled at me. “Get your drunk ass out of here. We aren’t kids anymore. If your life sucks it’s because you were a dumb whore. Nobody told you to do the things you did.”
His words hurt me, like a sheet of glass stabbing me in the heart. “It was all because of you. I wish I never loved you! You took away my happiness!”
Amy and Van got up and came close to me. Van tried to grab my arm, but I pulled away. “Heather, have you been drinking?”
“Did you drive here?” Amy asked.
I took another step forward and talked through my tears. I pointed to him again. He was still so handsome, even with the facial hair. I still remembered the way his skin smelled and what every inch of him looked like without clothes. “I gave you my heart and you threw it away. What did I ever do to deserve that?”
“You need to leave before you upset my wife again, Heather. I have nothing to say to you. I don’t owe you an explanation. You offered yourself to me. I never made you promises.”
I shook my head and frantically took another step toward him. “I have nothing! Everything I ever did was because I loved you! I wish I never knew you. I wish you never comforted me when we were kids. I wish you never kissed me in that closet. I hate you, Ty. You ruined my life! You destroyed me.”
Ty sighed and looked around the room. Van had her hand on my back and I saw him glance at her. “She’s right, you know.”
Ty looked at Van. “Don’t you dare get in on this. I don’t need you jumping on that crazy train. She’s not worth it.”
Amy got in front of me. She looked into my tear filled eyes. “I can take you home. You’re not in any shape to drive.”
I backed up. “I’m fine! I just wanted to talk. He needs to know that I’m a good person. Why doesn’t everyone hate him? He did this to me!” I motioned toward Ty.
Losing Him (Mitchell Family Series Book 8) Page 10
