“I’m going to rent an apartment at that complex down the street until Milo leaves for college,” Lance said. “I have an appointment with a broker in the morning.”
“And then what?” I asked.
“I think I’m going to transfer to Denver.”
I looked up at him in shock. “Why?”
“Fort Collins is too small. We need to put some space between us.”
I squeezed his hand, and we all sat in silence as we waited for the check to arrive.
LANCE CAME BACK to the house to pack a few things. I told him he could sleep in the room with me, but he was a gentleman through and through; he crashed on the couch. After Milo fell asleep, I started going through old photos, wondering what I could’ve done differently. Instead, I ended up lingering over my old black-and-white dancing photos, which made me both hopeful and sad at the same time. What might have been? I thought.
What could still be?
34. One month Ago
PENNY
An entire month went by but I still hadn’t told anyone about my divorce—including Gavin. Up until that point, he had been distant. He said he needed to talk, but he avoided making a plan with me. Once Lance moved out and served me with papers, I knew I couldn’t put off telling him.
I carried the papers around in a manila envelope for days. All I had to do was sign and it would be over, but something was preventing me from doing it. As I sat in my car in the parking lot at Milo’s soccer practice one day, I finally decided to tell Gavin.
Me: Can you talk?
Gavin: What’s up?
Me: Can you talk, not text?
Gavin: I’m in the middle of something right now. You okay? Lance being cool?
Me: Yes, I’m fine. Lance is being cool. I just need to talk. I thought you did, too?
Gavin: I do, I do. I’ll be in Fort Collins in a month. I’m having some work done on my dad’s house next month before the renters move in. We’ll get lunch, okay?
I wasn’t going to tell him via text. Gavin was probably busy with the garage and Briel. Still, it was unusual for him to be that distant.
Later that night, he called my house phone. “Hey, P, can I talk to Milo?”
“Um, okay.”
When Milo opened his bedroom door, I handed him the phone and whispered, “Don’t tell Gavin about your dad and me, okay? I need to tell him in person.”
He nodded.
Twenty minutes later, Milo was in the kitchen, getting water. “That was it?” I asked. “He didn’t ask to talk to me?”
“Nope,” he said, taking a gulp of water.
“What did he want?”
“He was just checking up on me, seeing how things were going with school and soccer. He apologized for missing my first few games and said he’d be out here in a month. He hoped to spend a few days with us, maybe catch one of my games and take me out for a bite.”
“How nice of him,” I said sarcastically, annoyed he was avoiding me.
Milo shrugged and then turned to leave the kitchen.
“Wait,” I said. “Can I have a hug good night?”
“Oh yeah, sorry, Mom.”
He came over and gave me a quick hug. “I love you, Milo. Sleep tight.”
“Thanks. Love you, too.”
Over the next few weeks, I focused on being alone. I hadn’t signed the papers yet, and I was still carrying them around with me everywhere. Lance’s lawyer called and asked why I hadn’t signed them yet. I told him I would very soon.
Lance took Milo for a weekend and when Milo returned Sunday night, he seemed happier.
“What’d you and your dad do?”
“We went camping, roasted marshmallows, the whole bit.”
“Just the two of you?” I asked.
My brilliant son knew I was onto something. “He doesn’t have a girlfriend, Mom. But even if he did—”
“If he did, it would be a little too soon.”
“Well, I guess. But you’re always with Gavin.”
“No, I’m not. This is practically the longest I’ve gone without seeing Gavin, and I’ve barely spoken to him. Plus, Gavin is just a friend. He’s your godfather. He’s family. And anyway, you’ve had deeper conversations with him lately than I have.”
He looked at me sympathetically. “Okay, I’m sorry. Why don’t you come and volunteer at the school? You can hang out with Crystal; she’s there a lot and you two haven’t really hung out lately.”
“She lives across the street. We have plenty of opportunities. Don’t worry about me, Milo.”
“You seem lonely, Mom.”
“It’s okay to be lonely sometimes.” It was hard for me to be alone, but I wanted Milo to be more independent than me. To understand there would be seasons in his life when he wouldn’t be the center of attention, when he might be alone at night with no one to call but his mom or dad, or maybe not even us. It was something I grappled with from time to time, but in the past, I’d always had Gavin. Now I wasn’t so sure.
THE NEXT NIGHT, I took Milo to dinner with my mom and Kiki at The Kitchen, one of my favorite restaurants in Fort Collins. My mother had never been there before. She immediately picked up the menu and began huffing and puffing about the prices.
“Twenty-six dollars for chicken? I can buy five whole chickens for that money.”
She’d become very frugal since my father’s passing. I wanted to remind her that she used to spend forty dollars to have Kiki spray-tanned before pageants. Instead, I blurted out, “Lance and I are getting divorced.”
My mother gasped.
“Mom, it’s okay.”
I looked at Kiki, who was grinning, but quickly stopped.
“Are you happy about this, Aunt Keeks?” Milo said.
“Not happy. Of course not. I don’t want to see you two go through this. But I must say, I didn’t think you’d ever go through with it, Penny.”
“I didn’t. He’s the one who filed for divorce,” I said. “And I haven’t signed the papers yet.”
“What?” my mother and sister said in unison.
“He’s got someone else!” Kiki shouted. “That bastard.”
Milo rolled his eyes.
“Stop it, Keeks. He’s not a bad guy—and you don’t know the whole story.”
“He’s leaving you,” she argued.
“It was mutual.”
My mother was still speechless.
“What did Gavin say?” Kiki asked.
I called the waiter over. “Let’s get some drinks. And before you ask, Gavin is a nonfactor. He doesn’t even know yet.” The waiter arrived at our table and I ordered a bottle of champagne for the table.
“You want to celebrate that Lance is leaving you?” my mom said, aghast.
Kiki turned to my mom, “Is she losing it?”
“I think so,” my mother said.
“I’m right here,” I told them.
“She’s not losing it,” Milo chimed in. “She’s just being herself.”
“Listen to Milo. Don’t be sad for me. Lance and I are ending a shitty marriage amicably and respectably to give ourselves a chance at happiness. What’s wrong with that?”
The waiter popped the cork and poured three glasses. “A toast!” I said, holding up my glass. My mother and Kiki held up theirs as well, though they still looked stunned, and Milo raised his Coke. “To family, to respect, to accepting change, and to new beginnings!”
When we clinked our glasses, something hit me: a brief burst of sadness . . . and a longing for Gavin to be there.
ON THE WAY home, I pulled over into a strip mall and turned toward Milo. “I’m getting my first tattoo, and I want you to come with me.”
35. One Hour Before the Lunch Heard ’Round the World
GAVIN
After fixing a little electrical problem in my dad’s house, I thanked the renters and referred them to the property management company who’d be handling the house while I was away.
I walked down to Penny’s place and Mi
lo answered. Hugging him, I said, “Hey kid. Shouldn’t you be at school? Where’s your mom?”
“I think she forgot I have a half day at school today for teacher conferences. I have a pretty good idea of where she is, though.”
“Where’s that?”
“Has Mom ever told you about the old dance studio she used to go to when she was a kid?”
“Sure. But isn’t that a Subway now?”
“Yeah, but it’s going out of business.”
“Seriously? A Subway near a college is going out of business? Huh.” I shrugged. “Is she eating lunch there?”
“She said she was gonna go check it out, but I think she just goes down there and sits on the bench outside.”
I’d never heard of Penny doing this. “What? Why?”
“I don’t know. I think it’s nostalgic for her or something.”
“Is your dad here?”
“My dad?” Milo looked at me strangely.
“Yeah, your dad.”
“No, he’s not here. Um, I don’t mean to be rude but I have a shit-ton of homework to do and then I’m going to stay at my friend’s house tonight. Do you want me to tell Mom you stopped by?”
“Hey, wait a sec. I’m glad I ran into you, Milo, because I have some big news. I’m leaving for a bit. In fact . . . I’m going to France.”
He blinked for several seconds, his expression blank. “Why?” he asked.
“My girlfriend, Briel, is from there. She’s going back home . . . and I’m going with her.”
“Oh . . . that’s great, G. Does Mom know?”
“No, I need to tell her. That’s why I came by. Do you really think she’s down at the Subway?”
“Yeah.” He was apprehensive and I had no idea why. “Did she know you were coming down?”
“No.”
“Try her there, I guess. If you can’t find her, you can always come by tonight. Like I said, I’ll be sleeping over at my friend’s house.”
We hugged and he held on to me longer than usual. “This isn’t good-bye just yet. I’ll see you at your game tomorrow, okay?” I said.
“Sure. See ya, G. Good luck with Mom.” He gave me a long look before he shut the door.
My stomach was churning. I was finally going to tell Penny my news. I’d been avoiding her for a couple of months, but I couldn’t put it off any longer.
When I pulled Charlize into the Subway parking lot, I spotted Penny right away. She was staring into the distance blankly, holding a manila envelope and spacing out. When I got closer, she must have recognized the familiar purr of my engine because she turned her head and stared at me as I pulled into the parking space.
I got out and walked up to her. When she stood, she seemed taller. I looked down and noticed she had heeled boots on, tight jeans, and a fitted sweater. Her hair was done and she had makeup on. I hadn’t seen this side of Penny in a long time. She looked amazing.
“Hey! Surprise, surprise,” she said as she hugged me. She smelled like heaven. I missed her arms around me.
“You look fantastic, P. Do you always get dressed up to hang out in front of Subway?”
“Ha! I was hoping to meet the strip mall owner. I’m thinking about converting this place back into a dance studio once Subway’s lease is up, but I’m not sure if I have the funds.”
“That would be amazing. Can’t you guys sell one of your cars or something? Or maybe a Tag watch?”
She laughed.
“Oh, shut it. Let’s grab some lunch. You keep saying you want to catch up, but I haven’t seen you in so long. We can walk across the street to that little pub by Bank of America, if you want to?”
“You just read my mind. I’ll drive, by the way.”
She looked at me suspiciously. “Big news?
I shook my head. “Let’s get a drink first.”
I DROVE US both over and parked by the bank. I was positively shaking by that point. I didn’t know how Penny would react to my news. On our way into the pub, she spotted an outgoing mailbox and dropped in the envelope she was carrying.
At the bar, I ordered a beer and she ordered Chardonnay and some beer-cheese pretzels. I was surprised. Penny usually stuck to salad.
“That’s different for you.” She looked like she’d lost a lot of weight.
“Don’t think you can distract me so easily. Tell me what’s going on. Did you break up with Briel?”
I guzzled my beer and took a deep breath. “Don’t be mad, okay?”
She looked surprised. “Why the hell would I be mad?” she said before picking up her glass of wine and downing the whole thing.
“Jesus, Penny.” She motioned to the bartender for another glass.
“Spill, Gavin.”
“Briel is pregnant.”
Penny started breathing fast, her nostrils flaring. The bartender refilled her glass. She downed it and slammed it on the counter.
“Shit, Penny! Be careful. You almost shattered your glass!” My voice was getting high and loud.
“You’re moving to fucking France?!” Now she was yelling. I had to get her out of the bar.
HALF AN HOUR later, I was exhausted. We had just had our first knock-down, drag-out fight in what seemed like forever, and now we were standing in the Bank of America parking lot, her face covered in tears and Charlize running behind me.
“Is this it?” she asked.
“This is it, P.”
She wrapped her arms around me, and I tried to commit the feeling of her, the smell of her, to my memory.
I got into Charlize and revved the engine. “We’ll talk on the phone or email or something, okay?”
“Okay,” she said.
I nearly choked on my next words. “I wish it were you, Penny.”
As I drove away, tears started streaming down my face. I felt my phone vibrate and pulled it out of my pocket.
Penny: Lance and I are getting a divorce. I thought you should know.
I nearly drove off the road. The manila envelope she dropped in the mailbox. Her ranting and raving about how alone she was about to be. Suddenly, it all made sense.
Fuck.
36. Present Day
PENNY
After I texted Gavin, I got into my car and drove the speed limit all the way home, listening to the old songs Gavin and I loved, like “Plainsong” by The Cure. I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.
I returned to an empty house. I plopped down on the couch and flipped on the TV. Buckley jumped up to sit next to me, and for the first time, I didn’t kick him off.
I texted Milo.
Me: Hi Honey. How’d your day go? Did you already head over to Kale’s?
Milo: Yeah, I’m here. His mom is gonna drop us off at the movies.
Me: Okay. Be smart.
Milo: It’s kinda hard for me not to be.
Me: Ha! But don’t be a smartass.
Milo: Did Gavin tell you he’s moving?
Me: Yep, and having a baby too.
Milo: Wow! He didn’t mention that. How’d you take it?
Me: I’m ok. I’m always ok.
Milo: I know. Did you show him your tattoo?
Me: No, but I’m sure he would have been shocked.
Milo: I love you, Mom.
Me: Love you too.
I never took naps during the day but TV wasn’t appealing to me and I was emotionally exhausted. I fell asleep with Buckley curled up beside me.
AT SEVEN, I woke up, ate three crackers, and uncorked a bottle of pinot noir, wishing Kiki or my mom or Ling were there with me. I had to learn to get used to being alone more than I ever thought I would. I checked my phone to see if Gavin had responded and noticed there were two messages from Lance.
Lance: Did you sign the papers? Please don’t forget, Penny.
Me: I dropped them in the mail today. I promise.
Lance: Thank you. See you tomorrow at Milo’s game.
Me: K.
I undressed down to my underwear and threw on a long T-shirt I
had stolen from Gavin years ago that had a graphic of a cat wearing a police officer’s hat above the words Who’s Laughing Meow? It made me smile, but the moment was fleeting. At least I had Buckley.
Plopping back on the couch with my wine, I began flipping through the channels without any luck. Finally, after several minutes, I decided to switch to music. Out of some form of self-torture, I drank more red wine and put on Dan Auerbach’s “When the Night Comes” because it was the saddest song I could think of. But at least it got me off the couch and onto my toes. I danced for about thirty seconds when my phone pinged. It was a text from Gavin.
Gavin: Got your text from earlier. Still processing it. You okay?
Me: Yeppo.
Gavin: You alone? What are you doing?
Me: I’m always alone. Just drinking and dancing.
Gavin: Dangerous combination. Can I watch?
What the hell is his deal?
Me: Where are you?
Gavin: In your driveway.
Me: Creeper.
Gavin: Yep.
I ran to the door and swung it open. Standing in the doorway like I was twenty-one again, clad in only a T-shirt, I took him in. He was wearing his jeans cuffed at the ankle, Converse, a black T-shirt, two days of growth on his face, and a cocky-ass grin.
“Nice shirt, you little klepto,” he said, twirling his keys around his index finger.
“I thought I would never see you again.”
“Have I ever been predictable?”
“Come in.” He followed me down the hall toward the living room. I poured him a glass of wine and handed it to him.
He sipped his wine delicately. I loved watching him drink wine. He was watching me, too, and there was a little twinkle in his eyes, like he was kissing me with them.
“Well, Tiny Dancer, I came here to see a show.”
“Right.” I said. I moved our white couch out of the way. Gavin took a seat on the floor near the stone fireplace, crossing his feet at the ankles. Buckley curled up on his lap.
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