They parked it outside the Hangtown Bowl, and went inside to rent shoes and reserve a lane. And they were surprised to see that the whole bowling alley was unbelievably crowded. They were told there would be a wait, but they decided to have a beer and be good sports about it, and twenty minutes later they had their lane, and they got down to it in earnest.
Alan was pretty good, and Carmen was lousy but she always had a good time, Allegra could hold her own, and Jeff was a good match for Alan. They were well suited to play the game, and none of them took it quite as seriously as Alan. He loved to win, and always nagged Carmen to pay attention.
I am, baby, I am, she said, and as she said it, Allegra noticed that people were watching. They hadn't been aware of it, but people had slowly gathered around, and it was obvious that they had not only recognized Alan, but Carmen.
Hi, Carmen said to one of them, completely unaware of what she looked like. She had on skintight white jeans, and a tight white T-shirt that probably showed off too much of her figure. The ugly turquoise and brown bowling shoes completed it incongruously, but in spite of the shoes, she looked like a beauty queen, and several of the men looked as though they'd had too much beer and would have loved to grab her.
Alan was quietly aware of it, and maneuvered her between himself and Jeff, but they were watching him too, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw a hoodlum with slicked-back hair start talking to Allegra.
She was completely cool, and made very little of it. He asked about the car outside, and she said they had rented it for the evening. There were specialty dealerships in L.A. where you could rent hot rods or Rolls-Royces or antique Bentleys. You could rent almost anything, and it was perfectly conceivable that the Lamborghini outside had been rented.
She thinks she's pretty slick, don't she? another guy asked Allegra as he eyed Carmen, who was trying to ignore him and concentrate on her game. We know who she is. What does she think, she's just slumming for tonight? That's pretty crappy. Allegra didn't say much and moved away, but she didn't want to piss them off further. Both of them were drunk, and they were beginning to catch the attention of the others in the bowling alley. Then all of a sudden a woman asked for an autograph, and then a few more, and suddenly there were dozens of people pressing Carmen against a table. And before Alan could turn around, some guy had grabbed him and thrown a punch, but he was too drunk to connect, and by using a neat karate move he had learned from the stuntmen on his last set, Alan sidestepped him completely.
But Allegra knew all too well what the rest of this movie looked like. She'd been around it for too long not to know when they were in trouble. And with a single stride away from Jeff, she walked to a pay phone and dialed 911. No one even noticed her as she told the officer at the other end who she was, where they were, who her companions were, and what had happened.
It's about to turn into a bar fight, she said calmly, and Miss Connors could get hurt. There's a mob here of about a hundred guys about to grab her.
We'll be right there, he said, giving rapid orders to someone on a radio. Stay on the line, Miss Steinberg. How's Mr. Carr?
Holding his own for the moment. She kept an eye on them from where she stood. No one else had thrown a punch after the first one, but there was a seething mob closing in on them, of people who wanted to be with them, touch them, strip them, press them, be them. And as she kept an eye on what was happening, Jeff saw what she was doing. He tried moving closer to her, but she could see that he was afraid to leave Carmen, there were too many men pressing her, touching her, and someone was trying to rip a sleeve off her T-shirt.
But as Allegra watched, three policemen strode purposefully through the bar and into the bowling alley. They could see what was going on, and they were wielding billy clubs and not willing to take any nonsense. One went straight to Carmen, and another spoke to Alan Carr, and within minutes they were keeping the crowd at bay, but people were still ripping at Carmen's hair, trying to grab her clothes, pulling her toward them. It almost became a tug-of-war between the thugs and the policemen. It took two of them to free her from what felt like human quicksand, and as they did, a woman screamed and threw herself into Alan's arms, begging him to kiss her. She was young and drunk and overweight, and this was her life's dream, being this close to Alan Carr, just as tearing Carmen's clothes off seemed to be every man's dream in the bar. It took all three of the policemen to get Carmen, Alan, and Jeff free and clear, and they moved together to leave the bar. Allegra tried to join them, but just as she reached them, one of the billy clubs shoved Allegra back, and the crowd closed again between them. Jeff was beckoning frantically, but she couldn't get through, and he was trying to fight his way back to her with no success, and no cooperation whatsoever from the throng of fans who had become crazed with lust and excitement.
Allegra! Jeff was shouting at her. She could see him, but she couldn't hear him. She's with us! he shouted at one of the policemen for help, and together they forced their way back, and put their arms around her, pushing her toward the door, again just behind Carmen and Alan. And outside, there was yet another patrolman. Alan's hands were shaking as he opened the car, and the four cops surrounded them as they got in, and then they locked the doors, and the officers waved at them to go as quickly as they could. It was all over, and they'd barely had time to thank them.
In the rearview mirror as they pulled away, Alan could see it becoming an angry mob, cheated of the objects of their affection.
God, does that happen to you guys all the time? Jeff said, trying to straighten his shirt and jacket. They all looked as though they'd been shipwrecked. All of their clothes had been torn, their hair was tangled, Alan's hat had been ripped off and stolen along with his dark glasses, and Jeff had actually lost one of his loafers. How do you stand it?
Carmen was crying a little bit, and Allegra was consoling her. It was the nature of the beast that loved them. It half hated them too. It owned them, and devoured them, and eventually, if they weren't careful, it destroyed them.
It's scary stuff, Allegra said gently. It always unnerved her, and Carmen hated it. It terrified her.
They're like animals. Did you see those guys? she said, with tears running down her face as she looked at Alan. They would have raped me. One of them kept grabbing my boobs, and I swear someone kept trying to slip a hand into my pants. They're disgusting. She looked like a total innocent as she complained about the invasion. They had been a hungry, lusting, angry mob. Angry that they didn't completely own them. They wanted to take those people home, to be part of them, to touch their bodies and their lives, to be them. I'm not going bowling ever again, Carmen said, looking like a kid. I hate that shit.
So do I, Alan admitted. Who doesn't? But he liked to go bowling. It was why so many stars had bowling alleys in their own homes, and sports arenas, and skating rinks and movie theaters, because they couldn't go anywhere, they couldn't go out with their kids, they couldn't do any of the things normal people took for granted.
You should see what Bram Morrison goes through at his concerts, Allegra said consolingly. Jeff was still in total admiration of her having had the presence of mind to call 911. But she had seen a lot of that and she knew what she was doing. She sensed almost instantly when it was going wrong, and it usually did, especially when it involved a woman. She had warned Carmen of all of that, told her what to do, had hired someone to teach her to defend herself, but it was still terrifying when you had to face it.
Thanks for calling the cops, Al, Alan said, sounding faintly depressed. There was always something degrading about being mauled like that, even if the reasons for it were originally well-intentioned. But as they went home that night, Allegra could tell that it had made a big impression on Jeff, and in the end, it had put a damper on the evening. Alan dropped them off at Jeff's house a few minutes later, and told them he was sorry the night had been such a bomb. But Jeff and Allegra said they understood, and were sorry too, and thanked Alan and Carmen for dinner.
I
don't know how those poor people live like that. Can they ever go out? Normally, I mean, Jeff asked, after Alan had driven off with Carmen.
They go to premieres, but they have to be careful there too. At big, publicized events, they run a tremendous risk of serious attacks, the kind of things that people don't always survive. You can really get hurt in mobs like that. And the rest of the time, if you try to get too normal, it turns out like tonight, unless you go someplace like Spago. That's different, she smiled. It was her favorite restaurant and always full of stars. No one would have dared bother them there; they just admired them from a distance.
But at a place like the bowling alley there were no boundaries. And sometimes it got rough. But Allegra handled it remarkably. She had seen it for years, when she was with her parents. They had never had that kind of fame, because they were on the other side of the camera, but the people they knew, their stars, always went through what Jeff had witnessed tonight, and so did her clients.
It scared the hell out of me losing you in that crowd, he said as they walked into his bedroom and took their clothes off. There was something seamy just about having their clothes half torn off. And then Jeff laughed, looking at his own stocking foot. Poor jerks, they probably think my shoe is Alan's.
You can buy it back at auction one day, she joked with him. It had worried her too. Crowds like that were always scary, because you couldn't predict how out of hand things would get before you escaped them.
I just can't believe it. I feel like a real star now. And frankly, Scarlett, you can have it, Jeff said, lying on his bed with abandon.
Not I, she said. That's why I'm an attorney and not an actress. You couldn't sell me that crap for anything. I couldn't stand it for a minute.
But you sure handled it well, he praised her. You were the only one who thought of calling the police. I was just standing there with my mouth open wondering how we were going to get out of there without having them kill us.
The secret is in calling fast. The minute I saw it, I knew.
But as she got into bed, and they lay holding each other tight, still rattled by their experience at the bowling alley, Jeff couldn't help wondering what they were going to do at the wedding.
They ought to get married on a deserted island somewhere, if tonight is any indication of what can happen.
They're actually worse at weddings. That's where fans are about the worst. It drives them into a frenzy. Celebrity weddings are a nightmare, almost as bad as concerts. She laughed, but they both knew it wasn't funny. But try telling Carmen that. She refuses to believe me, and Alan says she ought to do it whatever way she wants. I've been talking to security experts about it ever since they told us they were getting married.
What do they say?
You'll see, she smiled, looking like Mata Hari. But it'll be tight. I can promise you that. As tight as it can be in Vegas.
Why is it, he asked, pulling her even closer under the covers, that I'm beginning to dread it?
Because you're smart. And if they were ' they'd elope to somewhere where no one would ever suspect it ' some one-horse town in the middle of South Dakota. The trouble is, that's not much fun. But neither is being mauled by strangers.
Next time, I'll wear shoes with laces, he said, wiser after his experience. But even after that, he wasn't prepared for the Alan Carr-Carmen Connors wedding.
Chapter 11
The bus Allegra had hired picked Alan and Carmen up at Jeff's house in Malibu. They both wore wigs, blue jeans, and old sweatshirts. Carmen wore a brown wig and a scarf, and Alan wore a black one. They wore sunglasses, chewed gum, and had Southern accents. Jeff and Allegra got on with them, also wearing wigs, and polyester leisure clothes. They were a lot more dressed up than the other two, and most of what Allegra wore was dusted with rhinestones.
I didn't know this was a dress affair, Jeff said as he donned his costume with amusement. But one thing was sure, no one would recognize Alan or Carmen.
They sat in a large, paneled room in the back of the bus, telling stories, and eating ice cream, and laughing at how they looked whenever they saw themselves in the mirror. They made occasional forays into the kitchen, for cheese or fruit or sandwiches, and both ladies occasionally used the pink marble bathroom, but not the bathtub. It was the kind of bus frequently used by movie stars or rock stars. This one happened to be immaculately kept and was privately owned, and Allegra used it often. She had rented it as a dressing room for one of her clients once, and for driving trips. It was one of the better kept, more luxurious ones, although it didn't compare with Eddie Murphy's double-decker bus, filled with antiques and precious objects. But this one was comfortable enough, and the foursome were in hog heaven, as they said loudly from time to time, all the way to Vegas.
Once in Las Vegas, they went straight to the hotel. They were staying at the MGM Grand, and six bodyguards waited in the lobby for their arrival. As soon as the bodyguards spotted them, they became part of the faceless crowd around them. There were two women and four men, and they didn't even acknowledge them as they moved into suites on either side of Alan and Carmen's.
Jeff and Allegra were across the hall, and she had been keeping an eye out for tabloids, but she hadn't seen even one photographer as they entered. There had been some talk for a while, about Alan and Carmen having an affair, but it had only been a month, and no one suspected they were going to get married.
They changed wigs at the hotel, and everyone became redheads, except Alan, who became a bad peroxide blond, and he loved it.
My God. Allegra grinned at him and he laughed uproariously. You look awful.
I kind of like it, he said, pretending to give her the eye and a little pat on her bottom, and then he switched back to his black one again, and imitated Elvis.
It's a good thing you already have a career, Allegra said, looking disgusted. I don't think I could get you a job anywhere if you didn't.
Ya never know, kiddo. Ya never know.
Carmen disappeared into the back bedroom then, with the long plastic garment bag she'd been carrying. And half an hour later she emerged in a short white satin dress, and her hair in a smooth French twist underneath a short veil. Her makeup was flawless, as was her face, and her long, slender legs, exposed by the short skirt, were even better. It was quite a transformation from the polyester dress and the wig, and she looked really lovely. She was wearing white satin high heels, and her dress was low cut. She looked breathtaking, and Alan was really moved when he saw her. He was still wearing the polyester pants and the wig, and he went to put on a linen jacket, and real shoes. But he had decided to get married in the blond wig. That way, he said, they'd have blond children.
You're crazy, Carmen said, kissing him.
Half an hour later the justice of the peace Allegra had arranged for appeared. She knew that if she'd asked the hotel to do it, it would have hit the tabloids. But it might anyway, if the justice of the peace recognized them, which he had to, looking at Carmen. And their names would inevitably be on their marriage certificate, but it would be too late to tip anyone off by then.
Allegra had decided to stay in her funny clothes too. She had actually brought a poodle skirt, and she slipped it on with the red wig, and she was wearing sandals. It was quite an outfit.
I can't wait to see the wedding pictures, Jeff said, standing up for Alan. Allegra was touched that Alan had asked him.
You don't look so hot either, you know, Alan said, cutting Jeff down to size. He had put on a Ralph Lauren blazer over a bowling shirt, and he wore the same blond wig as Alan.
The justice of the peace didn't know who they were, but he thought they were completely crazy. He ran the ceremony by them in less than three minutes, pronounced them man and wife, and signed the license without even glancing at the names. He had called Carmen Carla twice during the ceremony, and Alan Adam. But as soon as it was over, Allegra poured champagne, they ordered caviar, and it was official that they were married.
Carmen Carr. Al
legra was the first to say it, and the second to kiss her, after Alan. I like it.
So do I, Carmen said, with tears in her eyes. She still wanted a church wedding in Oregon, but she knew what a circus that would have been, with paparazzi and helicopters, screaming fans and police lines. They just couldn't face it.
Good luck, the justice of the peace said from the doorway. He handed Alan his marriage certificate, and then hurried off to perform dozens of other weddings. He had no idea who he had just joined in matrimony. As far as he was concerned, they were just Adam and Carla.
An hour later, they all went downstairs to play the slot machines and gamble. Allegra tapped discreetly on the bodyguards' doors as they went by, and they fell in behind them. It was a completely smooth operation, and there were no hitches at all until almost midnight, when someone recognized Carmen and asked for her autograph. Carmen was always gracious about it, and she had taken her veil off by then, but she was still wearing the short wedding dress she'd been married in. A few minutes later someone snapped her photograph, and Allegra knew the onslaught was coming.
It's time to go, Cinderella, she said quietly. Your chariot awaits. Two more bodyguards were guarding the bus, and no one had entered it since they left it, except the driver, and he knew nothing.
It's too early, Carmen complained, but the casino was jammed with people, and the prospect of a stampede, or even a crush, didn't appeal to anyone. ' Look, everybody! It's Carmen Connors, she just got married. ' And Alan Carr ' snap ' scream ' shriek ' grab ' Forget it.
Come on, Mrs. Carr. Move your ass. This is my wedding night, and I'm not going to stand around here all night playing bingo. Alan kissed her firmly, and patted her bottom, and the entire group headed out to where the bus was waiting. As Carmen boarded the steps she looked back at Allegra and Jeff, and Allegra handed her a plastic bouquet of white flowers she'd had the bus driver hold for them, and Carmen threw it gracefully from the top step of the bus, and Allegra caught it. In spite of all the craziness and the funny outfits they had worn, she looked really lovely, and the assembled company smiled as they watched them. And the bus driver thought that in that outfit, she looked a little like Carmen Connors. If she hadn't had the accent, and she were a little taller, she might even look a lot like her, he said to Allegra.
the Wedding (2000) Page 21
