She didn't say that to me when we talked about it. She never has.
Perhaps she's forgiven me, he said sadly.
She did that a long time ago, Allegra said quietly. There were no easy answers. There was no way of truly understanding what had made him let go of her, but at least she knew now that it had been his own demons, his own guilt, his own terrors, his own inadequacies that had convinced him it was the right decision. He simply had nothing to give her. It was what Dr. Green had always told her, and she had never believed, but at least now she had heard him say it.
I loved you very much, he said quietly. They were the words she had waited most of her lifetime to hear. I suppose I didn't know how then. I still love you, that's why I came out here. I'm beginning to understand that time is a luxury, and sometimes it's better to spend it. Sometimes I think of the things I would say to you, of the times I should have called you, like on your birthday. I always remember it, yours and Paddy's, and hers ' but I've never called you. I thought about it for a long time when you wrote to me. I wasn't going to answer you. And then I realized I didn't want to miss your wedding. There were tears in his eyes when he said it. This was important to him, even more than he could tell Allegra.
Thank you, she said, as tears slid down her cheeks. She was thanking him for his words, his honesty, her freedom. I'm glad you came, she said, kissing his hand, and he smiled at her, not daring to respond more than he already had. As before, he was bound by his own limitations, as we all are.
I'm glad I came too, he said softly, still shaken by their conversation.
They had another Coca-Cola then, and talked about the wedding for a while, and she said nothing to him about who would walk her down the aisle. She was thinking of having Delilah tell him. But she was so relieved about the things he had said, that he had cared, and thought about her, and had even remembered her birthdays. It was unimportant in a way, he still hadn't called her in the end, yet to Allegra, it made a tremendous difference.
When she stood up, she offered to drive him to the rehearsal. They were holding it in the same place as the rehearsal dinner itself, which was easier than going all the way back to Bel Air to the Steinbergs' garden, especially while the gardeners were still frantically working. The wedding was at five o'clock the next day. They had exactly twenty-three hours left in which to do it.
On the drive over, he astounded her, by admitting that he was nervous about seeing Blaire. It seemed so strange to her. Her mother had been married to Simon for twenty-three years; this man had no part in her life at all. Except he did. Historically. They had been married for eleven years, and she had borne him two children. It was hard to imagine it, he looked so gray and tired and old. He was so restrained and reserved and conservative. So unlike the beautiful, expansive, youthful, lively woman she knew as her mother. She seemed in no way related to Charles Stanton. And in fact, now, she wasn't.
They arrived at the Bistro promptly at six o'clock, and the rest of the wedding party was starting to arrive. The minister and Delilah were conferring in a corner, while waitresses served champagne, and at exactly seven o'clock, Delilah brought everyone to order. Allegra's whole family was there, her bridesmaids, her friends, the minister, and both her fathers. Jeff's mother was standing next to him, in a severe black dress with her hair pulled back, and she looked terribly serious, but Allegra thought she actually looked pretty, all things considered.
Alan was telling Simon all about the film in Switzerland, while Carmen chatted with Sam about the baby. For once, Sam had left Matthew at home with a baby-sitter. She had nursed him right before she left, and she had told Jimmy she didn't want to stay too long, it was the first time she had ever left the baby. But it felt great to be out again, and Jimmy had been admiring his wife's luxurious figure.
They were a handsome group, and the tabloids would have been well satisfied with the names that were represented, as the minister explained exactly what the drill would be the next day, who would go where, who would do what first, and Charles Stanton looked confused about what his role was, and Simon saw it. He drew him quietly aside, introduced himself, and shook his hand, and told him he had an unusual suggestion. Allegra had heard the beginning of it, but then they moved away from her, and she couldn't hear what they were discussing.
It was all very exciting suddenly. It was happening. All the pieces of the puzzle fit. It was coming together. Her oldest friends were there, and her family. And her father had even admitted to her that he loved her. He had been confused and frail and misguided in what he'd done to her, but she had not been abandoned through any fault of her own, or perhaps even of his. She had always known that, and been told by experts, but at last she had been able to hear it from her father.
She had introduced him to a few of her friends as they came in, and if one narrowed one's eyes very carefully, one could see a small resemblance, but it was Blaire she really looked like, and Simon that she loved as a father. But this man was still part of her, of her history, her ancestry, her past, and her future. He simply was, just as she was a part of Matthew.
She had introduced her father to Mrs. Hamilton too, but after the minister had explained everything and the group had gone back to chatting again, Charles slowly made his way over to Allegra and her mother. They had been standing together, discussing the garden.
Hello, Blaire. If he had been any younger, he might have blushed. As it was, he simply stared at her. She looked so unchanged, so youthful. For him, it was like turning the clock back. And the memories were bittersweet as they washed over him, and he remembered when Paddy and Allegra were children. You look very well, he said softly.
So do you, she said, not knowing what else to say to him, as their eyes met. They shared the same memories, the same pain, the same dashed hopes, and once upon a time they had shared the same joys and laughter. It was hard to remember those days now. Only the tragedies remained: Paddy's death, and their departure. He had come here to add one last memory to their albums.
It was nice of you to come, Blaire said, as Allegra went to greet Tony Jacobson, Jeff's director. And as she moved away, she noticed that Nancy Towers was in hot pursuit of her brother, and Scott didn't seem to mind it. She had already had a little too much to drink, and her hand kept wandering across his thigh. Scott's eyes met Allegra's and she nodded.
She looks so much like you, Charles said to Blaire, watching Allegra fly across the room, laughing, her hair moving just as Blaire's had. She was so tall, and young and graceful. She gave me a start at first ' I thought it was you' . We had a good talk this afternoon at the hotel.
So she said, Blaire said, wanting to reach out to him, to comfort him, to tell him how sorry she was all these years later. Is everything all right, Charles? she said, trying not to remember when they were young and she had called him Charlie.
My life is very quiet, he said, but he seemed to accept it. You have a lovely family, he said, looking around. It was easy to spot them. All of her children looked like her. And he had liked his brief conversation with Simon. Maybe she had gotten what she deserved. She hadn't deserved the pain he'd given her. But he couldn't help it. He hoped she knew that. He wished he could say to her the things he had said to Allegra that afternoon, but they both knew this was different.
I'm glad you're here, Charles, she said, and he understood her. His eyes were full of tears as he touched her hand and walked away. He couldn't be near her any longer. It was just too painful. He went to talk to Mary Hamilton instead, and found that they not only had several mutual friends in Boston, but he had known her father, who had been one of his professors in medical school. They were talking animatedly when Blaire urged them all to sit down to dinner.
There were several toasts that night, and Jeff and Allegra actually got to sit together and talk and laugh, and be with their friends. And the following night they'd be at the Bel Air Hotel, and the next morning off to Europe. It was hard to believe that the moment had come, the day had arrived almost. It was ano
ther twenty hours till their wedding.
Simon toasted them that night, and Jeff toasted her, and Blaire said how proud she was of all her children. And Allegra saw Charles Stanton watching her more than once, but he was getting on very well with Jeff's mother, and she seemed to be a lot friendlier than Allegra had ever seen her, as she responded. Charles Stanton and Mrs. Hamilton were fast friends by the end of the evening, and Charles was escorting her back to the Bel Air when Allegra last saw them.
I think my ex-father is chasing your mother. She laughed as she told Jeff before he left to drive back to Malibu, I'm going to miss you tonight. Suddenly it seemed such a stupid old tradition, to not see the bride before the wedding. In those days, it hadn't been a matter of people living together and forfeiting one night before the honeymoon, it had been far more serious than it was now. This was only token deprivation.
How did it go with him today, by the way? Jeff asked cautiously. He had never had a chance to ask her at dinner.
Pretty well, she said with a small smile. I think I got some of the insights I needed. He's kind of a sad person actually. He must be very lonely.
Maybe he's more comfortable that way. I can't imagine your mother with him. They're as different as night and day.
They are, aren't they? Thank God for Simon.
Are you all straightened out about who's walking you down the aisle? Jeff was smiling at her; he hated to leave her.
Simon said he took care of it, not to worry. Thank God. She breathed a sigh of relief. She had made peace with her father for the first time in more than twenty years, but she still wanted to walk down the aisle with Simon.
Outside the Bistro, they all got into separate cars. Sam had already left with Jimmy an hour before, with breasts like bowling balls, to nurse her baby. And Allegra kept reminding Jeff of where her suitcases were for the honeymoon. She was afraid he'd forget them.
Don't forget my suitcases, she shouted out the window after him as they left.
I'll try not to! he shouted back, following Alan and Carmen in their car, who were going to Malibu too. They stayed there most of the time now.
Ten minutes later, she was back at her parents' house in Bel Air. Simon and Blaire were checking some details, and the lights were burning bright in the cottage. Allegra was dying to visit them, but she didn't want to intrude. She would have loved to see Scott, but he had disappeared after dinner with Nancy, and Allegra had a feeling he wouldn't be back till the morning.
You'd better get some sleep, Blaire warned, as Allegra roamed around the house, looking restless.
I'm not tired, she said, sounding like a little kid, and her mother smiled.
You will be tomorrow.
In the end, there was nothing else for her to do, and she went upstairs to her old room, got undressed and into bed, and lay there. She called Jeff, he had just gotten home, and they talked about what a nice evening it had been, how funny some of their friends were, and how excited they were about the wedding. I love you so much, he said, and meant every word of it. It was the happiest time he could remember.
I love you too, she answered him, and after they hung up, she lay awake for hours, thinking of him, and how lucky she was. She had found exactly the man she wanted. More importantly, he was the man she needed. And just as she had dreamed, in some ways, he reminded her of Simon.
She slept peacefully that night, and there were no dreams. She had taken care of everything. Her work, her life, her past, her future, and her father.
Chapter 23
On Saturday, September fifth, the weather in Los Angeles was brilliantly sunny. There was no haze, no smog. There was the smallest breeze, and a bright blue sky, and at five o'clock, it was still beautiful and the sun was shining.
Allegra was standing in her bedroom then. The dress fit her exquisitely, the hat was spectacular, and the long, full veil swept over it, and made her look like a fairy princess. Her hair was gently upswept under her hat, and she looked incredible with the lace skirt at her knees in front and long in the back, and her mother handed her the fragrant bouquet David Jones had designed for her.
Oh, my God, Allegra ' her mother said, as tears filled her eyes. She'd never seen a bride as lovely as her daughter. She looked absolutely regal in the dress Gianfranco Ferre had designed for Dior, and when Simon saw her walking down the stairs to him, tears filled his eyes too. There was no way to stop them.
Oh, sweetheart, he said. There was absolutely no doubt in either of their minds that she was his daughter. And he knew, as he looked at her, that neither of them would ever forget this.
The music was playing softly outside; the guests were waiting for them. And Delilah was napping around the living room like an ostrich, rounding up her chickens. The bridesmaids were already lined up, and everything was ready to go as Simon came up to Allegra.
I did something yesterday, Allie. I talked to Charles. I had an idea' . Now, don't get mad at me, he said, and she started to get nervous. It's sort of a compromise. He whispered in her ear, she considered for a moment, then smiled at him and nodded. And almost as soon as she did, Charles Stanton appeared in his morning coat and striped pants. He looked very distinguished and somewhat stiff. But Simon looked absolutely movie-star gorgeous.
All right, ladies, let's go quietly, Delilah said, pretending to clap her hands silently, and suddenly Allegra giggled. It was all so silly. They had spent months on this, and it was all a big show, with a thousand ridiculous details. Quietly and slowly! ' quietly and slowly! Delilah was whispering, demonstrating the solemn pace to them.
Nancy went first, having spent an unforgettable night with Scott in her room at the Bel Air, and Jess came right after her, looking extremely ladylike in her beige lace dress and beige organza picture hat. She winked at Allegra just before she stepped out into the garden, and the bride laughed irreverently. It was the happiest day of her life, and in ten minutes she would be married to Jeff ' forever.
Carmen was the next in line. They had purposely placed her third so she wouldn't steal the show, but even with her expanded waistline it was hard for her not to. She had the kind of looks that took people's breath away, and there were lots of whispers as she glided down the aisle to the flowered altar. And then came Sam, so young, so pure, so striking with her tall, lithe figure that was so like Blaire's and Allegra's. Jimmy was an usher, and he was up ahead waiting for her with the others at the altar.
Then there was a long pause as everyone waited for the bride, and at last she came, every bit as beautiful as everyone had hoped she would be. She came toward them on her father's arm, with measured steps, and eyes cast down beneath her veil, and she could feel him tremble beside her. He had come back to her at just the right time in her life, time for her to leave him this time, and not be left. And this time, they would sail on, neither of them abandoned.
And as they came halfway down the aisle, Charles Stanton stopped, and turned to look at her with a small smile. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it, as he gave her his blessing.
Godspeed, my child ' I love you, he whispered, and she looked at him in amazement. He'd said it. He stepped aside just as Simon stepped smoothly beside her, tucked her hand in his arm, and guided her toward the altar, just as he had through life. They had led her as they had through her nearly thirty years, Charles Stanton through her very early years, and Simon after. And then, holding tightly to her, Simon looked down at his first child, the little girl Blaire had brought to him, so hungry for love, so frightened. I love you, he said through tears, and she stood on tiptoe to kiss him. And then she left him, as she had all others, forsaking them in just the way she had loved them before, and taking on a new role as Jeff's wife. As Simon went to sit beside Blaire, Allegra turned wide, trusting eyes filled with love to her husband. She had come far for him, and together they would go farther. They had each waited a long time for the other.
You look so beautiful, Jeff whispered as she squeezed his hand.
I love you so much, she whis
pered back, and he looked down at her, so proud, so young, so tall, so hopeful, as the people who had loved her cried, wishing her a peaceful future.
They pledged their love, and troth, and promised to forsake all others, and then at last Jeff kissed her for a long, long time, as the assembled guests applauded.
The minister pronounced them man and wife, and they hurried down the aisle hand in hand, while the guests threw rose petals at them. It was a happy time, a happy day; it was the culmination of a lifetime.
The guests swore she was the prettiest bride they'd ever seen, and she and Jeff greeted everyone, and at last Peter Duchin played Fascination for them, and they began a slow waltz around the dance floor. Everyone stood in rapt admiration. They were the best-looking couple they'd ever seen. And then Allegra dutifully danced with Charles, who seemed quite overcome by emotion, and at last with Simon, who guided her easily around the dance floor, making her laugh at all the absurdities, and the fun of her wedding, just as always. He had a light touch, and a heart that had engulfed hers long since. And after her father, she danced with Alan, and then her brother, and her new brother-in-law, then Tony, Art, and their friends, and Jeff again. She danced for hours, and at last they finally had dinner. And she danced some more, and thanked her mother and Simon for the splendid wedding, and she told them they'd been right all along. They had two hundred and fifty guests and it was perfect. And even Mary Hamilton seemed to be having a good time. Charles Stanton hadn't left her side all evening.
Then, at last, while Allegra changed into a white silk Valentino suit, Simon danced slowly with Blaire, savoring the last moments of the wedding. Jimmy and Sam were dancing nearby, and as Blaire looked at them she suddenly felt terrible and looked up at Simon.
the Wedding (2000) Page 40
