“He kissed me,” I breathe out raggedly.
“He must be a shitty kisser,” he teases and we both snicker.
“It was a mistake. He’s gonna leave again, Cole. I can’t take another loss if I get too close. And spending the day with Riley…it’s too much.”
“I get it. But maybe he’ll stick around if he thinks that’s what you want,” Cole suggests kindly.
I smooth his sandy hair away from his forehead and study his pale blue eyes before saying, “I’m not enough.”
“You’re everything, Cara. Don’t fool yourself,” he responds instantly.
I shrug and start to close my eyes so I can avoid his loving gaze.
“Nope,” he says, popping my nose with his finger. “Stay with me. I’m not Jake. There’s no reason to run from me and you know it. I’m not tellin’ you to risk your heart. I’m tellin’ you to show Jake that you’re strong enough to help him. He needs help, Cara. He really needs help. He left before because we couldn’t help him. You needed to be the focus and he knew that. But we can help him now. You can help him.”
“I’ll be his family. I can be strong, but I can’t do the relationship stuff. It’s too hard.”
“Okay,” he agrees.
“You won’t tell your brothers will you?” I ask nervously.
“My lips are sealed.” He zips his mouth and throws the key away, making me laugh. “I’m actually here because we’re hungry.”
“You guys are gonna have to learn to cook soon,” I grumble.
“We tried that, remember? We all got food poisoning and I think some kind of fungus infection.”
It’s true. They’re hopeless in the kitchen.
“Come on, you big baby,” I say, rolling off the bed.
“Cara?” Cole calls out from the edge of the bed where he’s sitting.
“Yeah?” I turn to face him, waiting for him to request something for dinner.
“If Jake walks away from you this time, he doesn’t deserve you or your love.”
“Cole—”
He shakes his head to stop me as he climbs to his full height.
“He’s my brother and I love him no matter what’s happened in the past. But I love you too and I’m tellin’ you, if he doesn’t see what you’re worth, it’s time for you to walk away and find someone who does.”
He wraps me in a tight hug before he kisses the top of my head. Then he leads me downstairs where Sawyer and Dane are discussing how many girls Dane’s slept with this semester. It’s too many for either of them to recall.
We all laugh and eat.
And the whole time I feel a piece of me hoping Jake will think I’m worth it this time.
Stupid, Cara.
I cancelled dinner with my parents tonight. They understood after what happened with Riley at the shoe store. Then Mitch and I called Roman. He’s looking into Agent Todd Cash. Roman wasn’t our team leader until after Palo Alto. Once I brought him up to speed, he wasn’t happy. I’m not sure the man’s ever happy, but he’s good at what he does. If there’s something to be found, Roman Knight will find it.
Mitch and I spent the evening with Riley. We played with dolls.
Dolls.
And I have to confess, we had fun. Not that I’ll ever admit that shit to anyone. After the nightmare Riley had, she wasn’t herself and I wasn’t all that helpful because of my brain trying to figure out what the hell happened with Cara. But Riley finally snapped out of it when Mitch started messing with her new toys. He’s so good with her. He says it’s because he had so many foster siblings. I say it’s because he’s a good man.
Either way, we had a decent evening and gorged on pasta. Riley passed out in my lap not soon after we cleaned up dinner. I held her for a long time, breathing her in and whispering my mother’s words to her.
You’ll never be alone again. I’ll watch over you, protecting you even as you sleep. I’ll love you as much as you deserve to be loved. You’re safe. You’re safe.
When her snores started to tickle my neck, I put her in bed.
Now Mitch is out on the prowl while I’m nursing a beer, trying not to think about Cara.
Impossible.
I can still smell her on my skin, taste her on my tongue, feel her against my body and see the desire in her green eyes.
I’m not chasing after her though. I mauled her. I pushed her way too far and this is my punishment for not treating her with the gentle touch she deserves.
I’m an asshole.
Two swift knocks on the hotel door have me retrieving my gun. I press the muzzle against the door again while I peer through the peephole. It’s stupid. No one would knock on the door if they were here to attack, but I’m always on alert. It’s in my blood to be cautious.
When I spy auburn hair and emerald eyes staring back at me, my breath hitches.
I rip the door open while shoving my piece in the back of my jeans. She’s on me before I can get a word out, wrapping her slender arms around my neck so tightly I can hardly draw breath.
“Jakey,” she mumbles into my shoulder tenderly.
“Hey, Aunt Shanny,” I whisper, pulling her body against mine as I let the door swing shut.
We hold each other wordlessly for a while, soaking the other in. Finally, she pulls back, cupping my stubbled cheeks as she gazes into my eyes.
“I fuckin’ missed you,” she says forcefully.
“Missed you too,” I rasp, feeling overly emotional.
Shannon gets me. She has a window into my soul that no one else does. I knew it the first time I met her. I saw her—one of the most beautiful women to ever exist—and my throat clogged. Not from her stunning face or her alluring body, it was her eyes that pulled me in. They aren’t the same color as mine, but they carry the same weight. The need that moves me in life, lives within my dad’s best friend. Shannon Kellerman knows Jake Rivers and she accepts his presence in me.
“Let’s sit down,” she suggests, nodding at the couch.
“Drink?” I offer, striding to the small fridge to grab myself another.
“I’m good.”
I flop down next to her, pop the top off my beer and wait for her to speak. She’s not a lecturer, but when she has something to say, she says it plain as day. There’s no bullshit with Shannon.
“How’s Riley?” my aunt asks, looking over her shoulder at the cracked open bedroom door.
“Better than to be expected. But there’s a tough road ahead of us,” I answer honestly.
“Us,” she tests the word before smiling broadly at me. It’s a smile that can take any man to his knees. I love this smile. “Proud of you, Jakey. Really fuckin’ proud of you.”
Jakey.
I asked her once why she calls me that.
My dad called me Shanny. It’s how I show love to change names the same way. You’re a piece of me and every time I call you Jakey, you’ll know it means I love you.
The woman is a rare breed of awesome. She’s more guy than girl. A badass in a way that makes me jealous. And on par with my mom as the most loving soul I’ve ever known.
I definitely hit the family lottery jackpot.
“You’re carrying around ten tons of guilt that doesn’t belong to you,” she states firmly, getting down to business.
“It belongs to me,” I snort.
“We make decisions in life. Your intention was good and honest. You didn’t set out to hurt the people you love. When you went back to the DCA after Connecticut, you were just beginning a long ass journey to figure yourself out. If your brothers and my sister truly believed you’d be done with that after eighteen months, they were deluding themselves. I tried to talk to them, but I didn’t get through.
“Don’t let them run you off now. Show them what you’ve become. That your sacrifice was worth it. Be the man who can live outside the need, Jakey. I know you can do it,” she urges me, squeezing my wrist for good measure.
“I didn’t get better,” I mumble around my drink. “I hid and became
worse. I’m more Jake Rivers now than I was back then. Riley’s the only good thing I have, and I keep failing her lately.”
“Bull-fuckin’-shit,” she snarls. “You’re a father doin’ everything in his power to keep his daughter safe. She’s alive because of you. Don’t question that shit. And for the record, I love Jake Rivers and so does your family. So quit usin’ that as a weapon. You’re only hurting yourself with that shit. You need to shoot to breathe. You told me that the first day we met. That’s not gonna change. I know because I’m the same fuckin’ way. But I’ve eased the need back in order to fit it into my life. That’s what you have to do now.”
“How? And you know it’s not the shooting I crave. It’s the death,” I retort pointedly.
She studies me for a moment, her emerald eyes scanning my face.
“So if you can’t shoot, you’ll become a serial killer?” Her brow quirks at that.
I shrug. I don’t know what you’d call me without the DCA. Serial killer, vigilante, mass murderer, something bad that’s for damn sure.
“You’re more than you know. We all see it. We all believe it. How old were you the first time you killed someone?”
The question rolls off her tongue so easily. There’s no judgment from her. She’s an attorney, though she hasn’t practiced in years. But in this room, with me, she’s just my aunt.
“Nine,” I respond quietly.
I was nine the first time Bull Rivers made me kill someone. I did it. I didn’t even think about it before pulling the trigger. He’d spent so many years turning me into a killer, when I finally got the chance to fulfill the role, it was like taking a breath after nearly drowning.
“How did you feel?”
Still not an ounce of judgment.
“Fine.”
“Satisfied?”
“Relieved. I was relieved afterward.”
“Why?”
“Because he wouldn’t kill me,” I answer before I consider what I’m saying.
“A life for your life.”
I nod. It’s a hideous thing to admit. I stole someone’s life so that mine could continue. Bull forced me to kill that guy. He didn’t threaten me with words, just the muzzle of his gun to my head. I didn’t need him to do that though. I was trained to obey him without question. I knew the consequences of disobeying him. Death.
“You don’t crave death. You crave the safety you believe it brings you,” she says gently. “You’re a good man, Jake Cooper. Your heart is so good and honest. Look at what you’ve done. You could’ve taken the dark path, turned into something evil. But you joined the DCA instead. You even take extra work outside the agency to eliminate anything bad you can find. You walked away from your family in order to protect them from your demons. You stepped up when a little girl had no one else. Look at yourself through my eyes, Jakey. See what a fuckin’ gift you are to our family.”
I hear her. I do. I understand what she’s saying, but she’s wrong. I’m not good. I try though. I really fucking try to be a better man. I want to be my dad. I want to have what Nick Cooper worked his ass off for.
“Nicky has demons. Don’t fuckin’ fool yourself into thinkin’ he’s wiped that slate clean,” my aunt dictates, reading my damn mind. “He put his past where it needs to be in order to have a future that he deserves. Don’t waste another six years. Man up. Put your pussy away and show me your balls. I know you’ve got ’em.”
She’s eloquent when she’s determined.
“Big ones,” I snark.
“Not as big as mine,” she deadpans.
We both snicker at that.
“I can take Riley if you need me to. Our house is already full of kids and she’ll fit right in. I’ll take her, Jakey. If you need more time, I’ll do this for you. No questions.”
“Have I told you how much I love you?”
“Not lately,” my aunt retorts through a grin.
“You don’t have to be here right now. It’s late on a school night and you have six kids at home who need you. But you’re here. Checking on me because you get me. You understand me like no one else. I don’t love you, Aunt Shanny. I carry you in my fuckin’ heart.”
“I won’t cry. You know I don’t do that. But if I did, you’d have me blubbering right now,” she says with the emotion in her voice that her machine-like body won’t allow her to release. “Do you want me to take Riley?”
“Yes, I do,” I reply honestly.
She starts to speak but I cut her off. “But I can’t let you. Once you meet her, you’ll understand. That little girl has me for life. I can’t walk away from her. I should. I know I should. But she’s stuck with me. Fuck ups and all. I’m her father, and it’s my job to do this shit the right way. I haven’t been doin’ that. I have to now.”
“You may not come from Nicky and Kat, but you’re theirs. You’re mine too. We don’t share blood, but we share souls, Jake Cooper. I’ll help you with Riley. If you need to work, I’ll keep her with me while you’re on ops. Between me, my family, your parents and your brothers, we’ve got you covered.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“Don’t thank me for loving you.”
I link my fingers with hers and squeeze tight.
“Now, enough mushy shit. I can only handle so much. Turn on some basketball and let’s veg out,” she orders.
I snort as I comply with her request.
She winks at me before groaning at a bad call. She’s said her piece and there’s nothing left to discuss.
Sitting here with my aunt, watching a game, I feel like I might be able to do this. Be normal. Find my place in the world to exist.
I have a chance.
I just need to convince Cara I’m worth it.
“I’m sore,” Mitch hisses through a lazy grin as we eat breakfast.
Riley got her fill a while ago and is now coloring on the coffee table. Her nose crinkles when she concentrates. I always notice every little thing about her, committing it all to memory. When I’m away from her during ops, I think about these moments, loving the little details.
I snort at my best friend and shake my head.
“Who was that hot piece leaving here late last night?” he asks with an arched brow. “I thought it was Cara at first, but she was a little shorter.”
“My aunt.”
“Fuck me, your family is full of sex on a stick.”
“She’s my aunt, Mitch,” I groan.
“Not by blood. You have to admit she’s…wow.”
“She’s fuckin’ gorgeous. I’m not stupid. But she’s my family. Quit talkin’ about her like that before I have to teach you a lesson,” I threaten.
“Any single hotties in your family?”
“No,” I grunt.
“Shame. I could marry in and we’d be real family.”
“We are real family, asshat,”
“How is it you’re in this giant family with no women?” he asks, ignoring my comment.
“Cara and Shannon have nine brothers and one cousin, also a dude. Mom and Dad don’t have any siblings.” I shrug.
I never really thought about it. We’re a family of men. I have nieces and sisters. Some of my uncles are married so there are women around now. And we love those women fiercely. The women in my family are some of the strongest you’ll ever meet. That’s how you get in with us. None of the women need the men, they want them and everything they are.
“My parents could adopt you,” I suggest seriously.
Mitch’s goofy gaze gets serious at that.
“I’m good,” he says quietly, swallowing thickly.
“Didn’t say you weren’t. You deserve what I have. You’re at my side, right?”
“Always.”
“Then you’re part of my family.”
He nods curtly, signaling he’s done with this conversation.
“Hey, Princess,” he calls out.
“Huh?” she asks, p
ushing her messy hair out of her face as she looks over at us.
“You wanna go swimmin’?”
Her light grey eyes get huge at the suggestion as she nods excitedly.
“Cool. You down?” he asks me.
“Sure.”
We don’t really have anything to do today. I’m starting to feel a little restless if I’m honest. Sitting around isn’t something I’m used to. And Roman hasn’t gotten anywhere on the Agent Cash theory. If I was at headquarters, I could at least pound away at a computer to alleviate some of my unspent energy. But taking Riley back to Virginia isn’t an option. We have to stay here until we find out who the rat is.
“Call your brothers. See if they wanna come.”
I nod.
They’re all studying for finals right now. I’m not expecting them to drop everything to hang out with me. Is it stupid to hope for it though?
I move over to the phone on the minibar and dial Sawyer’s number.
“Hello?” his deep voice filters in my ear.
“Hey, man.”
“Sorry for skippin’ out on you yesterday. I had some shit to deal with.”
“Don’t worry about it. We’re gonna take Riley swimming. You guys wanna come along?”
“Yeah. I’ve gotta get to my girl by two, but we aren’t doin’ shit until then.”
“Your girl?” I ask, shocked this is the first I’m hearing about it.
“Uh huh,” he says distractedly.
“Sawyer,” I grunt.
“It’s a long story, man,” he huffs. “I’ll tell you about it over a beer sometime.”
“From the sound of your voice we might need a case,” I tease my little brother.
“Or two,” he scoffs. “Swing by our place on the way to the pool.”
“Will do. See you in a bit.”
“Later.”
“Later.”
I lift my chin at Mitch to indicate our plan is a go.
“Did she get a swimsuit yesterday?” Mitch asks about Riley as he climbs to his feet, wiping his mouth with a napkin.
My girl’s back to coloring intently, oblivious to us in the room.
“Three,” I say through a smile.
“I’ll go grab us some trunks.”
“That’s sweet of you,” I joke in a girly voice.
Escaping the Blackness (A Cooper Brothers Novel Book 1) Page 15
