“I had a fight with Paul,” Nell said when her mom and Brooke just sat, waiting her out. It was the truth, technically, so she was able to meet her mom’s eyes with a steady gaze.
“What about?” Jan asked, taking the ball when Bob dropped it in her lap.
“None of your business,” retorted Nell, softening it with a smile. “We’ll get over it. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
When Brooke opened her mouth, no doubt to push in her gently relentless way, Jan laid a hand over hers, met her eyes. Without a word spoken between them, Brooke sighed, and leaned back. Nell had to shake her head.
“You guys are really made for each other, you know that?”
Brooke grinned. “I know how to pick ’em.”
“Please.” Jan snorted. “I had my sights on you the second you walked in the door of Bloom.”
“And that’s all it would have been—longing glances over the perennials section, if I hadn’t ask you out.”
“I’m the one who kissed you first,” Jan retorted.
Brooke softened, scooting closer to lay her head on Jan’s shoulder. “You did.” She reached up and stroked Jan’s face. “But I proposed first, so there.”
Nell, having heard the story many, many times, sat back and threw the ball for Bob while they bickered. She watched how her mom’s eyes sparkled when Brooke teased her, how Brooke’s smile lit up her face. And tried, very hard, not to be jealous of the deep affection and love between them.
“All right, ladies,” she said, when they ran out of steam. “My paperwork awaits.” Nell pointed accusingly at her mom. “Start your own business, you said. It’ll be fun, you said. At no time did you mention all this damn paperwork.”
“I have an assistant who handles these things,” Jan said, smug.
Brooke detached herself from Jan’s side and crossed around to give Nell a hug. She pulled back, cupped Nell’s cheek. “You okay, sweet pea?”
“I will be,” Nell told her.
Brooke patted her cheek, then let go. “You know where to find me if you want to talk.”
Nell helped them carry the dishes inside, then hugged her mom. Jan squeezed her tighter than usual, gave her a searching glance, then nodded, brisk.
“Take care of my baby girl.”
“Take care of my mama,” Nell replied, then leaned down to give Bob a rub, sending his tail wagging into a frenzy.
On the short drive home, thoughts of Adrian and Paul returned to nag at her like a toothache. And sure enough, as she pulled into the long driveway that led past Ryan and Zane’s house to the guest house she called home, Paul’s pristine truck sat in the driveway.
Wishing with all her heart she could just go inside, draw all the shades, and fall into bed for a massive pity party, Nell parked next to Paul’s truck. He unfolded himself from where he sat on the two steps that led up to her front door and watched her as she got closer. Nell hated the worried look in his soft brown eyes.
“Brunch with the moms?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
They stared at each other for a moment, then Nell glanced over her shoulder at Ryan and Zane’s house. They were too busy with their two-year-old girl, Mellie, to spend time looking out the windows, but if they did happen to notice her, they’d come out to chat about her trip, and ask about Adrian’s mom, since word had undoubtedly spread.
“Let’s go inside,” Nell said.
Paul stepped aside without a word to make room for her, and she unlocked the door, tossed her bag on the floor. A few dust motes stirred in the weak spring sun filtering through the many windows on the first floor and the skylight up on the loft above. She kept it tidy, mainly because she spent more of her time working or out with her friends than she did at home. She loved the converted garage with its sleek, modern kitchen, the comfy living room and overstuffed sofa perfect for curling up and watching movies, the loft bedroom upstairs filled with light. She’d been happy to stick with Ryan and Zane’s advice on decorations, and they kept her built in bookshelves filled with books, though she rarely took the time to sit still and read. Bright abstract art decorated the living room walls, and they’d painted the kitchen a vivid teal, which Nell never would have chosen on her own, but added vibrancy and life to the space.
Taking a deep breath, Nell turned to face Paul, but waited for him to talk.
“We didn’t finish our conversation the other day.” He stuck his hands in his pockets, squirmed a bit, but to his credit, met her eyes. “I thought we could clear the air.”
Nell raised an eyebrow. “Clear the air?” She made air quotes as she spoke. “I told you I was in love with you. You said I was like your sister. I’m not sure it’s a simple as ‘clearing the air.’”
Paul sighed. “Can we sit down?”
Without a word, she turned and sat on the couch, back straight, shoulders braced for what he was going to say. Paul sat next to her, held out a hand as if he was going to touch her, then drew back. Nell studied his face, so dear to her, noted the dark circles under his eyes, the unhappy set to his mouth.
“I had no idea,” he finally said. “No idea you felt that way.”
Nell shifted, tapped her fingers briefly on the couch cushion. “Look, I don’t want to go into all the details and crap, okay? I just…what?” she demanded when the hint of a smile ghosted at the corners of his mouth.
“Details and crap?”
“I suck at this,” Nell said, sighing. “I know I do. I’ve got the seduction down pat. But this…it’s new to me.”
Paul took a deep breath, squared his shoulders. “Well, here’s the thing, Nell. You don’t love me.”
“I know I sprung it on you,” Nell said with what she felt was admirable patience. Typical man, telling her what she should feel. She reminded herself that this was Paul. “You’re kind, sweet, smart…one of the best men I know. Maybe the best. When I think about who I want to be with, you’re all those things.”
“And you’re one of the best women I know,” he said, frowning. “But, Nell…you’re not attracted to me. I thought and thought about this, wondering how I could have missed it. I finally realized, I didn’t miss it. You may love me, but you’re not in love with me.”
“Bullshit.” Nell got up and started to pace. “Stop thinking with your dick. Passion grows. It’s not always that big spark, a flash and burn. Sometimes it’s slow and steady.”
“But you need that spark to start, however small,” Paul insisted. “Or, you can’t sustain that slow and steady flame.”
Nell felt her breath begin to hitch, fought against the rising tide of tears.
“Look, I know you, Nell. Well enough to know that the idea of a long-term relationship, even if it’s what you’ve realized is what you want, terrifies you down to your bones.” Paul kept his eyes on her. “And, I’m safe. You know I’d never hurt you—but that’s not love.”
“You’re hurting me now,” Nell whispered, her throat clogged.
“Oh, sweetie.” Paul got up, wrapped his arms around her, but she stood there, arms at her sides. “I’m sorry. Really. But, you don’t love me.”
Nell seized on to the rising tide of anger, letting it sweep away the tears, and pushed against him. Hard. “Oh, thanks so fucking much for educating me about my own feelings.”
“Nell-”
“Don’t you ‘Nell,’ me,” she yelled and took perverse satisfaction at the sight of him flinching. He knew the strength of her temper, after all, and shit yes, he should be afraid. “I told you I love you, and you’re fucking patronizing me, patting me on the head and telling me I’m an idiot.”
“That’s not what I-”
“Get out!” She shouted at the top of her lungs and grabbing one of the hefty hiking boots she’d left lying by the couch, hurled it as hard as she could at his head.
Paul ducked, backed away. “Jesus, Nell.”
She flung the other one and grazed his shoulder this time.
“Would you stop that shit and talk to me?�
�� Paul shouted back at her, color rising in his face.
The anger drained out of her as suddenly as it had come on, leaving nothing but despair.
“Get out.” Her voice cracked, and she had to wait a minute before she could go on. “I want you to leave me alone. Indefinitely.”
“Nell.” Paul moved closer, but she stepped back. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“Despite what you think, you can’t tell me what I feel and make it all go away,” she said. “I need some time away from you right now.”
When he kept standing there, she looked up, met his eyes clouded with hurt and worry.
“Please,” she whispered.
He hesitated, then muttered, “Goddammit.” He paused at the door. “I’m sorry, Nell.”
When the door closed behind him, she stood there, swaying slightly, until the sound of his truck died away. Only then did she lower herself back on the couch. Burying her face in the cushions, she wept.
***
“You look like shit,” Amy said, yawning as she paid for her gigantic cinnamon roll.
Nell grunted, eying Hannah working at the espresso machine. When Amy just stood there, waiting for her to respond, Nell glanced over, noted Amy was stifling another yawn.
“Back at you.”
“I know. I went to bed at 9:30 last night, and I’m still tired.” Amy rubbed her temples. “Think I’m coming down with something.”
“Sugar will help,” Hannah said, overhearing their conversation. She slid Nell’s tall Americano across the counter. “Bran muffin?”
“No!” Nell gritted her teeth, tried to dial it down when both Hannah and Amy stared at her. She pointed to Amy’s plate. “I’ll have what she’s having.”
When the bells to Hannah Bobanna’s bakery jingled, Nell automatically looked over and barely refrained from letting her head fall face-first into the pillowy cinnamon roll. Death by frosting wasn’t such a bad thing compared to the sight of Paul walking in.
She nodded at him, then tried to saunter—casually—to a table on the other side of the room. Paul broke all speed records getting his coffee and leaving, practically pushing Amy aside in his haste.
“What the hell was that?” Amy asked, sitting down across from Nell. “Paul was acting weird.”
“You’re acting weird, too. And, I agree with Amy, you look like crap,” Hannah added, joining Amy. “Why are you both being weird?”
They stared at her. Nell tried to wait them out, but they kept at it. She sighed, taking a sip of coffee and studying them. Despite what she’d said to Amy, her friend looked charming as always, freckles standing out more against the pale skin, big brown eyes soft and concerned, her auburn hair pulled back in a stubby ponytail. Hannah had turned the chair around and sat straddling it, her arms resting on the chair back, cornflower eyes behind her mauve framed glasses suspicious. She’d twisted her dark blond hair up into a loose bun, stabbed a few pencils through it.
“We had a fight,” Nell finally said, hoping to leave it at that. She stuffed a bite of cinnamon roll in her mouth, and damn, it was good. Fuck those stupid bran muffins, or she wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place.
“And?” Amy asked gently.
Nell sighed, so deeply she could feel it pulling from her toes. She buried her nose in her coffee cup and inhaled the fragrance, hoping the caffeine would work its magic soon.
“All right.” Nell accepted the inevitable. “I told Paul I’m in love with him.”
“What?” Hannah’s voice rose, and they drew curious glances from the other tables.
“Oh, honey.” Amy laid a hand over hers. “He didn’t take it well?”
“Hold on, hold on. What. The. Fuck.” Hannah’s eyes widened as large as Nell had ever seen them, then narrowed into slits. She turned her glare onto Amy. “You’re not surprised by this?”
“Um.” Amy looked to Nell for help, then back at Hannah. “I thought you knew? I mean, it was pretty obvious.”
“Wait.” Nell held up a hand. “You don’t seem surprised that he didn’t take it well.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this!” Hannah exclaimed, hitting her, hard, on the arm. “How long has this been going on?”
“Well, at first I was just excited that you had a crush on him, because I thought it was so cute to see badass Nell all smitten,” Amy started to say, but stopped when Hannah shot her the evil eye.
“Somebody better tell me what the fuck is going on here. This is huge!”
“It’s private, and nothing has been going on. I told him the other day, and he doesn’t feel the same way. End of story,” Nell muttered, shoving another bite of roll into her mouth.
“Not end of story!” Hannah said, then lowered her voice again. “I thought you didn’t want a relationship. You’re always going on about how you like being free, you don’t want to be tied down…”
“I changed my mind, okay?” Nell slouched in her chair. “It was a mistake, obviously. I told him; he looked like he’d been slapped in the face. I kissed him, and he didn’t respond.”
“Hmm.” Hannah stared at her long enough that Nell started to squirm under her steady blue gaze.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…”
“You’ve clearly been violating the friendship rules by not telling me about this huge, freaking big deal that is going on in your life.” Hannah raised her eyebrows and gave her the “I used to be a schoolteacher” look. “And, if you had, honey, I would have told you that you are deluding yourself. You’re not in love with Paul. Good god. That’s ridiculous.”
“I have to agree,” Amy chimed in. “At first I thought it was adorable because when we met, I thought you were a bitch without any real feelings. No offense.”
Nell shrugged, figuring she would give her that one.
“So, I thought it was cute that you liked him but then the more I thought about it, the more it just didn’t make any damn sense.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Nell rubbed her forehead where a headache began to pound. “I thought I could get sympathy from you two, and instead, you’re giving me the same line as Paul. Oh, Nell, there, there, you’re not in love with me.”
Hannah nodded. “You’re not.”
“Goddammit!” Nell practically shouted it and then slunk down in her chair when a few people turned to look. “I’m tired of people telling me how I feel!
“Hang on,” Amy soothed. “Time out, you two. Nell, tell me exactly what Paul said.”
Nell glared at Hannah, then relented and told them the story, word for word. “Then, Adrian drove up, and I had to fly him to Seattle.”
This conjured up images of them making out in the elevator of the hotel, and she trailed off, her body throbbing at the memory. Her face felt uncomfortably warm, and she resisted the urge to fan herself.
Amy stared at her. “Are you blushing? Why are you…Oh. My. God.” She clapped her hand over her mouth. “That’s your Got Laid look.”
“No, that’s crazy,” Nell said, but her heart wasn’t in it.
Hannah’s eyes widened. “Did you? But you and Paul…oh, my god.” She shook her head. “I am so confused.”
“Join the club,” Nell muttered.
When both Hannah and Amy just kept staring at her, Nell sighed.
“I had some drinks at the bar. Adrian showed up, and he had a rough day with his mom, and he thought getting drunk sounded like a good idea. I just didn’t want to think any more, you know? I kept seeing that horrified look on Paul’s face when I told him how I felt. So, we had a lot of drinks. And then we….went back to my room.”
Silence. Hannah and Amy just stared at her, mouths hanging open.
Nell took advantage of their shock and sipped her coffee. She sat, munching on her cinnamon roll as Hannah started to speak, stopped, then started again. Nell leaned close.
“You want to know whether it was good,” she said. “You’re wondering what to ask first, but I can see it in your eyes—that’s what you
really want to know.”
Amy started to laugh, and Nell, to her surprise, found a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. Hannah rolled her eyes.
“Oh, I know it was good, honey. How could it not be? And please—” she held up her hand. “If it wasn’t, I don’t want to know. Leave me with my fantasies.”
“Fantasies, huh?” Nell asked, nodding her head towards Hannah’s wedding ring.
“I love Tom,” Hannah said. “But, damn, girl. That man is hot.”
“I’m married to a movie star, and I still want to know how hot it was,” Amy agreed.
“It was….incredible.” Nell pushed the memory out of her mind, even as her body came to attention. “I’m weak. I couldn’t resist him.”
“Honey, who could blame you?” Hannah fanned herself.
“I told the man I love how I felt that freakin’ morning,” she muttered. “What is wrong with me?”
Hannah and Amy exchanged glances.
“You know how they say the contractor’s house is always in a state of disrepair, or the plumber has a leaky faucet?” Amy asked.
Nell looked at her, drew her brows together.
“You always know how men think, what they want. You have sexy superpowers. But, I think when it comes to your own love life…your powers have failed you,” Amy said. “The more I watched you and Paul together, the more I just…didn’t see it.”
“Now, Adrian—tall, dark and dangerous? Totally your type,” said Hannah.
“That’s exactly my point,” Nell protested. “I don’t want my type. I wanted to settle down. Have a relationship that lasts longer than a few nights. Tall, dark and dangerous isn’t good for that. Paul is.”
“Sweetie, you can’t be in a relationship with someone just because he fits the bill on paper,” Amy said gently.
They sat in silence for a moment, then Nell shrugged, scraping the last of the icing off her plate.
“Doesn’t matter anyway. We talked again last night, and he made it pretty clear he doesn’t think of me that way.”
Hannah laid a hand over hers, and Amy reached over to give her shoulder a quick rub.
“Honey, I’m sorry.” Hannah cocked her head. “What are you going to do now?”
Love in the Air: Lopez Island Series #2 Page 4
