Chapter 34
Luke
Mixed Signals
Was Elana flirting with me, or is that merely wishful thinking? I look in the rear-view mirror and ask Joe the question. He looks up from his car seat, his index finger in his mouth covered in dribble.
‘San-ta.’ He states.
‘Yes, she could be Mrs Santa, Joe. Pretty perfect, really.’ I’m talking to myself, of course, as Joe stabs his finger at the window, leaving little snail trails of dribble.
And then there’s Lisa. When I received her text last night I didn’t know what to do. She’s suggested we meet up before the dreaded foursome and that we don’t tell Greg, or Cheryl. I tend to agree that it seemed like a sensible suggestion as the pressure is beginning to mount. Who wants to feel under scrutiny as you answer those inevitable introductory questions. But she’s suggesting tomorrow night and I can’t think of a reason why not, but I’m hesitating over committing. If I leave it much longer to reply then it will make it awkward. She knows I don’t tend to text when I’m working, so I hope she’ll just assume I’ll get back to her later today.
‘Mumma,’ Joe says and my head jerks up. We’re driving past a woman who looks nothing like Anita, except for her hair colouring.
‘We’ll see Mumma later, Joe.’ The last thing I want is for Joe to become upset because he’s missing his mum. ‘We’re going to Grandma’s house next.’
‘Gan-ma. Gan-ma.’ He chatters away in his own little language, but the first two words are very clear. ‘Dada.’
‘Yes, Joe. I’m Dada.’ And no one else is going to take on the role of a second dad. You might have another male influence in your life, but you can only ever have one real dad. It makes me think about kids whose dads walk away early on in their lives. Why would a man do that to their child? I’m beginning to learn how painful a split family life can be, but I’d never walk away. The thought of some guy taking my place if he moves in with Anita and Joe hurts like hell. It’s going to be hard to swallow a sense of bitterness. But that won’t help Joe, and every Saturday I’ll be there to make sure he never forgets that I love him and he’s my boy.
‘We’re here, Joe. Time for lots of cuddles with Grandma and Granddad.’
After several hours of playing on the floor and watching a nursery rhyme DVD, Joe ends up falling asleep next to me on the bed. We decide not to move him into the junior cot just yet. I’m happy enough to spend the evening next to him doing a little work on the iPad. I respond to Lisa and agree to meet her in a pizza place in town about an hour after I drop Joe off. I’ll pop home and change, but I won’t be dressing up. Just casual, but with a little more attention to detail, I suppose. It’s holey-sock day yet again, by the feel of it, and I wiggle my toes to confirm. I’m unlikely to be bringing her back here, so I think I’m safe. I really must go shopping one of these days because Elana is right, it’s just that I don’t feel comfortable buying stuff like that, or clothes in general. Too much choice and it’s ages since I bought anything new. Anita used to buy all my clothes as she was fussy about appearance. Hers and mine. Me, I guess I’m a bit of a slob by nature. I like stuff to be clean, but comfort comes first. But, most of all, what I need now in my life is a good woman and that’s not something I dreamt I’d be thinking about for a long time to come. I guess Anita moving on is doing me a favour; it’s certainly been a wake-up call.
***
Anita isn’t in the mood to talk and clearly she’s alone in the house. Handing Joe back is harder than I thought. Much harder than after our usual Saturday visit. Just being able to be with him at bedtime and when he woke up this morning reminded me of what I’m missing out on. I know there is no going back now, but Mum pointed out something yesterday that hadn’t occurred to me. If Anita decides to settle down with this new guy in her life, maybe she will be looking to have more one-on-one quality time with him and be prepared to let me have Joe more often. Starting a new relationship with someone else’s child as a part of the bargain isn’t the easiest of situations. Maybe the thought of Joe being around all the time will be something he has to get used to. Mum said I shouldn’t fall into the trap of making assumptions and basically repeated what Elana had said. It was actually a little depressing, as it made me wonder if I brought out Elana’s mothering instinct. She’s attractive and I’m attracted to her, despite trying my hardest not to be. I’m getting confusing signals as her body language is saying one thing, but I think her head is telling her something else.
I’m fooling myself if I think I have what it takes to attract a woman like Elana. She’s used to a man who had his life and career sorted; someone she could look up to. But my feelings aren’t just physical and if I don’t watch out I’m going to get hurt. Besides, there are widows who never remarry, although she’s so young and vibrant that would be such a waste. Not just for her, but also for Maya, as it was obvious that Joe and me being there yesterday really lifted their spirits.
Anyway, as Mum said, I shouldn’t make assumptions and that applies to thinking about Elana, also. Would she even look at a builder, someone whose hands are rarely smooth and unblemished; usually sporting traces of paint or filler that can take a while to wear off. No doubt her husband was more intellectual: Mr Nine-to-Five with a big salary. Okay, one day Dad will retire and I’ll run the business, but it’s never going to make a fortune. Hopefully it will be enough to allow me to afford a mortgage on a decent house and continue to provide for Joe and Anita.
There’s no point in dwelling over things I can’t have and I’m an idiot to keep dreaming about Elana. I guess life is all about grabbing whatever opportunities come your way and making the most of them. If something doesn’t work out then that’s life, getting angry or frustrated about it doesn’t help anyone. And I’m going to have to empty my head of all this stuff, as when Lisa arrives I need to pay attention. I haven’t even given Lisa a real chance and yet, in theory, everything checks out. She’s attractive, mature enough to handle Joe being in my life, sensitive and age-wise she’s only a couple of years’ younger. Elana isn’t even an option for me, so why can’t I let go of that thought?
I glance over the menu, glad we decided to come here because at least talking over a meal makes it a little less awkward.
‘Hope there’s something veggie on there.’
I look up to see Lisa staring down at me and she hovers, clearly expecting me to stand to greet her. Should I shake her hand? Before I can consider it, she leans in to give me a hug. I manage to respond in a similar fashion so it appears, I hope, that it was my intention, also.
‘Have you been waiting long?’
‘Ten minutes. The traffic was lighter than I thought. Maybe everyone is all shopped-out and Sunday evening in front of the TV beckons.’
‘Well, lucky us, then. Meeting someone interesting always beats watching a re-run or the latest reality TV show.’
I try not to make a snap judgement. She’s probably nervous. I know I am.
‘You still haven’t told Cheryl we were meeting up? Greg doesn’t know yet either’
‘I think that’s for the best. Actually I prefer speed-dating, if I’m honest. It’s a great idea. Anyway, tonight we might decide we really get on and want to go ahead with our double date.’
Speed-dating? Does that mean we fire questions at each other and only get five minutes to make a decision? She’s beginning to make me feel very old, or maybe I mean old-fashioned.
‘So, what’s it like having a son? You must tell me all about him. I still can’t believe you’re a dad.’
By the end of the evening I realise just how nervous Lisa was at the start, and once she relaxed it wasn’t some quick test but a genuine ‘tell me more about yourself’. The result was that she didn’t make me want to run away screaming, but it was too early to say whether there was a real connection between us. You know what I mean, that little quiver of excitement that keeps on building, if you are lucky. Or it goes away and you realise the spark was just that initial little sur
ge of hope that this person could become someone special.
She was genuinely interested in Joe, very sensitive about avoiding questions regarding Anita, and quite open about her own situation. She left me with a question that I couldn’t answer, so I said I’d think about it and let her know.
‘Most guys I meet are rather boring, or into football – which I hate, or are looking for a one-night stand. What are your top three turn-offs in a woman?’
At that point I said I needed to give it some thought and for some reason that seemed to impress her. If only I could get Elana out of my head, then maybe I could give Lisa the chance she deserves.
Chapter 35
Luke
What You See is What You Get
After sleeping on it, I think I might have been too hasty jumping to conclusions about Lisa. Although why I have this need to find something wrong with her doesn’t even make sense. I mean, on paper she’s a good candidate. Well, in the flesh she’s great as well, but I’m trying not to do the ‘being ruled by your trousers’ thing. She’s very pretty, petite, with long auburn hair and an athletic build. Something about her implies energy, vibrancy. I decided on my top three turn-offs.
1. A person who doesn’t understand that kids come first – always.
2. Being mothered – I have a perfectly capable mother of my own.
3. Being pitied. We all have baggage and for those who haven’t, well, it’s coming.
The problem is that while Lisa has passed number two with flying colours, it’s too early to tell if she really understands the impact of having little Joe in my life. And then there’s number three. If I’m honest, she doesn’t seem to be the sort who dispenses pity; but then even her break-up doesn’t seem to have been much of a test. Is she the sort of person who sits back and lets life happen to her? Is that a good thing, if that’s the case?
In the end it comes down to one simple question. Is there any reason why I should cancel this double-date thing? On the drive to Bay Tree Cottage my thoughts keep going around in circles. I find myself comparing Lisa to Elana, which is stupid. For starters, a relationship with Elana isn’t even an option and, besides, it’s unfair as Lisa doesn’t have anywhere near as much life experience. But I feel so much older than Lisa, as if I have to make allowances for her lack of years. So the fault lies with me – I’ve turned into this boring guy who is so scared of making another mistake, I’d rather stop living my life. Why would Lisa even be interested in me? Unless she’s doing this for Cheryl’s sake, the same as I’m doing this because Greg’s on my case. I’m a fool. Lisa is just waiting for a reason to get out of it and last night she was offering me the chance to back out. Doh! What an idiot I am! It feels like a pressure has suddenly been taken away. I take a deep breath and relax a little, pushing my shoulders back to release the tension building in my neck. All I have to do is text her and let her down easy.
The front door of Bay Tree Cottage opens to reveal a smiling Elana gesturing me inside.
‘Morning. You look serious today. Was everything okay when you dropped Joe back?’
‘He was fine, a bit clingy, but Anita handled it well. I didn’t ask any questions about her weekend and she wasn’t in a talkative mood. She was on her own, though.’
‘Ah, I did wonder—’
Elana’s face is empathetic and I know she feels for what I’m going through. Her eyes don’t move from my face.
‘What?’
‘I just thought there was something else. You look troubled. Coffee?’ She calls over her shoulder as she walks off into the kitchen area.
‘Hi, Luke. Are you staying?’ Maya appears wearing a onesie, with a pen and notebook in her hands. She looks up at me with a big smile on her face.
‘No, just a quick visit to lay these,’ I manoeuvre the thin strips around the dining table and lay them flat on the floor.
‘Mum, can I have a gingerbread man for breakfast?’
‘No, darling. Cereal or toast, but you can have gingerbread for your morning snack.’
‘Aww, Mum. Can I have toast and juice in bed, then?’ Maya can tell from Elana’s face there’s no point in arguing and comes back with a counter-offer. Elana nods and Maya disappears back upstairs.
‘She was very upset last night,’ Elana whispers. I walk closer, leaning back against the worktop counter next to her.
‘When you and Joe left it was a little flat, if I’m honest. We sat down for a few hours to read together, which was nice, but it reminded us both of last year. It was too soon then for either of us to be more than numb, but this year it’s all different. It hadn’t occurred to me that it was going to get worse before it could get any better.’ She lets out a huge sigh and as our eyes meet. For the first time ever she looks defeated.
‘Hey,’ I step forward and, before I know it, she’s in my arms. We both seem frozen, unable to pull away and the seconds pass. The warmth of her body against mine is like an electric shock. It’s been a while since I’ve held a woman this close, but this isn’t any woman, it’s Elana. She reluctantly pulls back and I release her, but everything is in slow motion. I don’t want to let her go and she doesn’t really want to draw away.
‘Sorry, but I needed that. Thanks. You’re a good friend, Luke.’
Her words remind me not to read anything into this; she’s just hitting one of those lows. It comes out of nowhere; in my case it’s usually in the early hours of the morning.
‘Glad I could be of service.’ I give her one of my trademark grins, just to reassure her that I haven’t misread the signals. ‘Maybe you two need a break. Disney has a new film out and it’s on at the local cinema.’
She pushes back those wayward blonde curls with the back of her right hand as she pours boiling water into the coffee mugs.
‘Great idea! To be honest, we have nothing much planned this week and Christmas still seems a long way away.’
‘Well, cinema today, then bowling tomorrow. Hey, how about the Christmas market? If you pop into the mall I think there’s a children’s cookie-decorating competition on, as well. You don’t have to work, do you?’
‘A little, but it’s mostly Maya quality time. Once you’ve laid the strips, I suppose I won’t see you again until you’re back in January for Eve’s conservatory?’
My throat constricts and then I realise Elana’s just trying to plan her week and checking I won’t need to call back in again.
‘Well, the next three days I’m working with Greg on an insurance job. After that, yep, I’ll be back this side of the valley in January.’
‘Well, if you find you have time on your hands and you’re passing by, just pop in for a coffee. You know we’d love to see Joe, too.’
There’s genuine warmth in her voice and it occurs to me that she understands that I, too, am alone. Yes, I need the money, but Anita hasn’t offered to let me have Joe over Christmas, so we’ll be opening presents when I have him on Saturday. Then, I’ll be at my parents’ house for a few days, pretending to be celebrating the festive season.
‘Thanks, I might take you up on that.’
‘Seriously, any time. We’ll be at my parents’ house for two days, but aside from that we’re here. We’d enjoy the company, so even if you’re just at a loose end and feel up to a game of Monopoly, or something, feel free to join us.’
It would be so easy for me to take this the wrong way. She’s mothering me, and while it’s one of my top three turn-offs, I can’t take offence. The fact that Elana is taking time out from her own troubles to think of my situation makes me feel special. Now I’m being really stupid, but the truth is I love being here. It’s a place where there’s lots of sadness, but there’s also a lot of love – more than enough to go around and encompass anyone in need. Well, I’m certainly needy.
Chapter 36
Luke
It’s Never Going to be Simple Ever Again, is it?
The insurance job means three days working alongside Greg and a part of me wishes Dad had put me on something
else. I know he’s going to grill me about my life and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s also annoyed I haven’t been answering my phone much at the moment. I know I’ve missed a few of his calls and he’s stopped leaving messages.
‘Hey, stranger.’ Yep, he’s annoyed with me.
‘I’ve been busy, what can I say?’
‘Too busy to answer your phone? Or have you been busy with the widow lady.’ He cocks an eyebrow.
‘Greg, seriously, man, you must stop calling her that. She’s a great person going through a traumatic time with dignity.’ As soon as the words are out I could slap myself on the forehead. That sounded like something my dad would say.
‘Mate, you have it real bad. I suppose you’re cancelling the Lisa meet-up, then?’
I see red, choosing to take a sudden flash of anger out on some splintered wood. After a few hefty bashes the whole thing comes out in one piece. Greg gets the message and goes quiet.
‘No, I’m not cancelling. And I’ve already met up with Lisa.’
Greg stands back, a look of disbelief on his face.
‘Really? You did? A couple of us have a bet on and that’s not something we saw coming.’
Now I laugh. I should have guessed.
‘Oh, so what are the odds?’
‘Three to one you go back to Anita. No one thinks you’ll go out with Lisa. This is going to upset the pot.’
‘That’s borderline cruel, you know that, betting on someone else’s misery. Going back to Anita isn’t an option because she has a new man in her life. Not that I’ve met him.’
Christmas at Bay Tree Cottage Page 16
