It’s only when my back is towards him that I can begin speaking. I don’t want to look at his face, catch his reaction, or see what might be reflected in his eyes.
‘Rick told me that he walked in on Niall kissing Eve.’
The silence is earth-shattering, because there is nothing Luke can say in response to that.
‘What hurts—’ I take a deep breath as tears begin to form. ‘What hurts is that I’ll never know the truth for sure. Eve is saying very little, other than that Niall was comforting her and Rick can only repeat what he saw, or thought he saw. How can they destroy all of my wonderful memories, knowing full well nothing will ever be the same again? Was it just a meaningless kiss or a kiss filled with emotion? Would you kiss me out of sympathy, or empathy? Does that happen? What if it was a loving kiss?’
I spin around and he looks as white as the wall behind him. Shocked, appalled and speechless, as I expected.
Chapter 39
Elana
Facing Up to the Impossible
Diary Log – day 504. 6 days to Christmas. I feel that something inside of me has died. Stopped working, like the mechanism of a clock that will never tick again. I’m writing this as the last entry because … because … because if it’s true, do I hate you, Niall? If it’s not true, is that element of doubt always going to tarnish our past, because I will never know for sure? Maybe this is the wake-up call I needed and I have to let go now, in order to preserve my sanity. My heart wants to love again and I think it’s time I allowed myself to do that. I can’t waste the rest of my life by constantly looking back. It really is time to say goodbye.
I stop typing and start whispering. ‘I’m going to delete this file now, my darling. It hurts too much to re-read what I’ve shared with you since you died, and if I don’t stop myself now, then my life is over. I can’t do that to our daughter. Just one word from you and it would all be so very different. But I’ll never know for certain what happened, until I’m with you once more. I want to be with you, but I know that isn’t an option. I want everything to be as it was and I’m scared, so scared. Scared for me, scared for Maya and scared for you.’
My finger hovers over the delete key and the pain in my chest is like an explosion taking place. It’s a real, physical pain like nothing else I’ve ever experienced before. One key, one touch and then I vow never to look back again. Ever.
Delete.
***
‘What time is it?’ Luke stirs as soon as I walk back into the sitting room carrying two mugs of coffee. It’s five a.m. but an inch of snow lying on the ground and a pale-grey sky that is almost luminescent, makes it feel later.
‘Five. Here, you probably need this as much as I do.’
‘Sounds like you’re ready to talk. You scared me last night, you know.’ He swings his legs around into a sitting position as I put the hot drinks down on the coffee table in front of him.
‘I scared myself. You don’t know how strong you are until you are tested. Failure is always one of the possible outcomes. I’m tired, Luke. Tired of trying to make everything perfect when it isn’t, it’s broken and the pieces can’t be put back together.’
I settle myself down next to him, the gap between us re-establishing our normal comfort zone.
‘I want to thank you for getting me through the worst night of my life. You see, I thought I’d already had that and took a sort of pride in the fact that I’d survived the worst imaginable thing that could happen. I thought that pride was a sense of self-esteem, of dignity, honour maybe. I played life by the rules and even when it took something from me that I truly loved, I behaved with decorum. I took it on the chin and refused to be beaten.’ The laugh that escapes my lips is one filled with bitterness. I can see Luke recoil slightly, a look of bewilderment reflected in his eyes.
‘Now you’re scaring me again.’
‘I don’t mean to, I just want to let you know that last night meant something. When I was feeling desperate you were the one I wanted to turn to, the only one. At first I reasoned it was because no one wants to turn to their parents and I’ve fallen out with my best friend. I convinced myself I rang you because everyone else I knew was too involved in my life to go through another crisis with me. Well, who am I kidding? I called you, Luke, because I like having you in my life.’
His jaw visibly drops and he starts to speak, but immediately stops, a lonely ‘but’ hanging in the air between us.
I’ve just deleted what feels like the whole of my adult life with one swift press of a button. That might have been reckless, but this move is a considered one, albeit also a brave one.
As I look across at him and our eyes speak without words, I have no idea what is going to happen next.
Chapter 40
Luke
Someone Else’s Pain
I hate landing Greg in it, but there’s no way I can just head off to work and leave Elana alone. I text both him and Dad, saying I need to take the day off because of a personal matter. I acknowledge it’s last-minute, but Dad immediately texts back to say he’ll cover it. Greg prefers to work with me, but it’s only one day. I hope. Within five minutes my mobile rings and it’s Mum. There’s no way I can’t answer it, but I’m not sure what to say.
‘Hi Ma.’
‘Luke, are you okay? What’s gone wrong? It’s not Joe, is it?’ She’s holding her breath.
‘No, Ma. This isn’t family stuff – it’s a friend in need. Look, I can’t talk at the moment. If it wasn’t serious, I wouldn’t be letting you down.’
‘Just be careful, my son. Don’t get pulled into something just because you have a good heart. Let’s speak when it’s more convenient. If you need anything, remember that I’m here to help.’
I can tell from her voice that she thinks I’m in some sort of trouble. I suspect she assumed Anita and I had a row over money. At least admitting it’s about a friend buys me some time.
Elana said some weird stuff in the early hours of this morning and I wondered if she was telling the truth about how much she had actually drunk. It was totally out of character, and shortly after six a.m. I managed to encourage her to go and lie down on the bed. She hasn’t moved since and it’s just after eight.
I still don’t know the full story, or why Elana would send Maya to be with Niall’s parents? From what I saw at that dinner, it seemed they were only just rekindling their relationship. Why didn’t Elana’s parents take Maya? Surely they would have wanted to help if what Rick said is true? I mean, Elana is clearly devastated.
Geez, I have so many questions and yet it’s none of my business, really. But I care enough to want to be here for her, no matter what. My phone bleeps, then bleeps again and again. It’s Lisa and she’s furious, accusing me of standing her up. No! I totally forgot we were meeting up and she didn’t deserve that. I haven’t the heart to text her back at the moment, so I switch off my phone. I’ll have to deal with that later.
I wonder if this will push Elana over the edge and into some sort of nervous breakdown. If it’s not true, then what possible reason would Rick have for saying that? I grab a coffee and go through into the sitting room to think it through. Then I remember what Maya said the day she drew I’m sorry in the dust on the table. She said it was the message her dad had given her. Did she tell Elana, and could the message be referring to this revelation? Anyway, it’s pretty freaky a young child saying she talks to her deceased father. I mean, that can’t be normal, can it?
I glance across at the fireplace. The letters Maya has been leaving for Santa might simply be things she would like to add to her wish list, but something tells me that probably isn’t the case. Then I remember the time I was on the roof and I heard Maya talking to Santa about her dad. I thought it was odd, but never mentioned it to Elana. My head slips back against the cushions on the sofa and I let my mind wander. Remembering that vivid blue, wintry sky and standing there looking out at the view. I was thinking how lucky these people are to live here. Maya’s words were a whisper th
at echoed up the chimney stack, which acted like a funnel. It was something she wanted Santa to do so her daddy wouldn’t think she’d forgotten him. She’d said ‘you can’t send presents to people who are in heaven, even though you can still speak to them’.
I put the coffee mug down and walk over to the fireplace. The ledge is towards the back and it isn’t much of a reach to find the little pile of folded paper, but for a child of Maya’s size it must be a little awkward. As I withdraw my hand, I see there are now five in total, but not all of them have the same handwriting. Now I have a dilemma. Elana has decided that a child has the right to their privacy, but what if the answer lies here in my hand and it means I can help in some way?
I sit down, feeling it’s the right thing to do, simply because it’s not something Elana feels comfortable doing. Whatever I see, if it’s obvious it has nothing at all to do with what’s going on here, then I’ll simply put the letters back on the ledge.
I lay them out on the coffee table in front of me. Four are clearly in the same handwriting and then there’s one that looks totally different. I open the one with a heart drawn beneath the words ‘To Santa’.
My pulse quickens as I read it.
Dear Santa,
Please give my Daddy a hug from me so he isn’t lonely this Christmas. I do miss him but I know he’s safe in heaven. All I really want is for Mummy not to be alone any more. And did you get the letter we posted? Luv Maya x
I shouldn’t be doing this. With a feeling of guilt, I open the second letter, written in the same dark-blue felt-tip pen.
Dear Santa
I have a snow globe for Mummy, but really she wants a visit from Daddy. She’s very sad, can you tell Daddy? And I don’t want a big piano now as we don’t have any money for lessons. Luv Maya x
It’s heart-breaking reading the carefully formed words that are really very neatly written, considering she’s only six years old.
Dear Daddy
I hope Santa gives this to you. I forgot your message for Mummy and I’ve been waiting for you. Are you cross? Luv Maya x
Wow – Elana needs to read these. I open the last one in Maya’s handwriting with a sense of trepidation.
Dear Santa
Can Mummy have something special if I don’t have any presents this year? Mummy works very hard and misses Daddy all the time. I will be extra good. Thank you. Maya x
This is crazy; Elana needs to sit down and have a good talk with Maya, because it’s rather bizarre that she believes Santa can talk to dead people. Heck, it’s odd that she seems to genuinely believe that her daddy still talks to her. This could get out of hand. There’s one letter left. It’s in pink felt-tip pen and the handwriting is very different. Not so tidy, but equally as legible.
Dear Santa
Please can you make my mummy and daddy happy again? Oh, and I’ll be good. Maya said I need to tell you that. Amelie Jane x
What has Maya been telling Amelie? I refold the letters and place them in a neat pile in front of me. I’ve heard Rick and Eve arguing, so it’s likely Amelie might have overhead something, too. Kids worry and when they start hiding things, or keeping secrets, then that’s a warning sign. A movement in the doorway draws my attention and Elana is standing there, wrapped in a soft, lilac-coloured bathrobe.
‘The letters,’ she speaks, softly. ‘Of course. I wasn’t brave enough to look. Should I be worried?’
I pat the sofa, encouraging her to come and sit down next to me. She looks exhausted and her face is very pale.
‘You need to read them. There’s one from Amelie, too.’
Elana jumps, almost as if I’ve pinched her and she looks at me, appalled.
‘What does it say?’
I pull out Amelie’s letter and pass it to her.
‘Great. I don’t need this at the moment. What else? Haven’t I suffered enough, already?’
She holds up the carefully folded piece of paper, as if talking to someone up there. I take it from her and put it back down, then hold her hand in mine.
‘Hey, come on. Clearly Maya thinks Santa can grant wishes and it says a lot that they both wanted to put someone else first. What great kids!’
She shakes her head.
‘It means they are both unhappy, Luke. And it means I’m failing Maya, because she’s holding things back when we should be talking them through.’
Damn it. I shouldn’t have meddled and now I’ve added yet another problem into the mix. However, my gut instinct is telling me that there’s no point in glossing over this, it’s important.
‘That might be partly down to me, I’m afraid.’
I tell her all about overhearing Maya talking to Santa, then as much as I can remember about our little chats. When I get to the bit about the message written in the dust, Elana looks as if she’s going to faint. Her head falls forward and she sinks lower, almost scrunched up into a ball. When she finally pulls herself back up into a sitting position, she looks fraught.
‘I’m undoing the ties with Niall one strand at a time and each one that is severed is like a knife wound to my heart. Once cut, you can never go back. It’s as if Maya is trying to keep him alive and I can’t cope with that now.’
‘Elana, there is no going back, you can only move forward.’
‘You have no idea how much I want to let go. If I could just speak to him one more time, just to get things straight. And now—’
Her words simply tail off and even though I lean forward a little, encouragingly, she remains silent. I put an arm around her shoulders and seconds later she sinks into me. It’s the first time in my life that anyone has really needed me and I find myself wanting to fix everything for her.
‘You’re right, Luke, I have to sit Maya down again and tackle this head-on. We talked things over straight after Niall died, of course, but she was barely five at the time. After the initial upset, she seemed to adjust and for her it became all about the occasional sad moments – times when she was suddenly very conscious of his absence, like at Christmas. I had no idea some of these other things were happening. I don’t know why she hasn’t talked to me about it.’
I put my chin down on my chest, then tilt her chin up so that I can look into her eyes.
‘This isn’t your fault. It’s been a tough time for you, too, and laying a guilt trip on yourself won’t help matters. Talking to Niall is Maya’s coping mechanism, as she’s obviously dreaming about her daddy and the past, but there’s no harm done.’
Elana adjusts her position, bringing her head up in line with my own.
‘I have to start over again and I can’t keep slipping back like this every time something goes wrong.’
Chapter 41
Luke
Wanting Something Doesn’t Mean it Can Happen
I keep finding myself wanting to kiss her, to wipe away the tears when I see her eyes getting bright and filling up. She’s up and down: one moment sounding a lot like her old self and the next seemingly overcome. It’s hard watching what I say, trying not to make it worse.
Elana goes off to shower and dress, leaving me in the kitchen to sort breakfast. I don’t think either of us is actually hungry, but it’s mid-morning now and at least sitting around the table will be a distraction. To be honest, it feels as if someone has just died. Is this a normal part of the grieving process, I wonder? Just when you think the worst is behind you, it starts all over again. I want to tell Elana that I feel confused about what’s happening, but she’s way too fragile to question. Does she have any reason to think that what Rick said is true?
She walks back into the kitchen looking and smelling really good. In a long, fluffy cream jumper and leggings she manages to wear with style. She looks like something out of a clothes advert on TV. Her hair is shiny, the blonde mass of curls refusing to be tamed and giving her that very natural look. The only hint that anything is different today is the pallor of her skin.
‘That feels better. What’s on the menu?’
I turn, surprised
that the tone of her voice is different, almost upbeat.
‘Scrambled eggs and toast, I’m no chef, that’s for sure! You sound … better.’ I catch her gaze and she gives me a weak smile.
‘Having you here makes all the difference. I just hit a low point, but you know what they say, the only way is up. I realise there is nothing at all I can do about Rick’s accusation and I can’t let it drag me down.’
I dish up the eggs and quickly butter the toast, carrying the plates to the table.
‘This looks good, thanks.’
She stares down at the plate, picking up the smallest piece of egg she can find and placing it in her mouth. I follow suit, knowing neither of us really wants to eat. Do I simply play along and see how the day pans out? What if she’s still acting erratically later, when Maya returns? Is she safe to leave on her own?
‘Luke, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but please stop frowning. I was having a wallow, feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to involve my parents in this for obvious reasons and I really appreciate you being here for me.’
I put down my fork and sit back, trying to look relaxed.
‘So you’re okay now? You’ll sit down with Maya, have another talk and this little episode will be over? Just like that.’
Why am I giving her a tough time? We could simply have breakfast and I could be on my way. It’s obvious the mini crisis has passed. Why do I feel disappointed?
‘I dragged you over here and you were good enough to come. I wasn’t thinking straight because I was so tired and emotionally distraught, but you should be at work. You have a good heart, Luke. I’m very grateful to you and I don’t know how to repay your kindness.’
Is she dismissing me? It’s clear neither of us is going to eat any more, so I clear the plates away – most of the food still undisturbed on the plate. I feel used because I wanted Elana to need me for more than just a listening ear. Once again, what a fool I am. I hear her chair being pushed back, but I can’t face her and I remain with my back to the table. I have to make my excuses and get out.
Christmas at Bay Tree Cottage Page 18
