Her eyes were bright with tears as she looked up into my own, questioningly, but saying nothing.
‘You keep talking about moving on and yet you seem reluctant. Don’t make this the excuse to stay in limbo, this changes nothing about the here and now.’ Was I pleading my case, hoping our friendship meant something more to her, as it did to me?
I sensed her tensing up, fearing I’d gone too far and spoken out loud something that should have remained a private thought. She pulled away slightly and I smiled down at her, wishing it really was my place to wipe away those tears. And then I began to feel angry and I knew it was ridiculous and out of order, but I couldn’t help myself.
‘You’ve spent a long time talking to me about my hang-ups and giving me the benefit of the wisdom you say comes with age. Did it ever occur to you that some wisdom comes from actually living it yourself and that can teach you a whole lot in a short time?’
She sighed. ‘I just feel like I’ve been bulldozed, Luke, and I don’t know how long I’m going to feel this way. Life can grind you down, you know that. But if I was ten years younger I would probably bounce back a whole lot quicker. That’s the difference between us and it’s real. Nothing can change that.’
‘You should know better than that, lady, and stop treating me as if I’m not an equal somehow just because I’m younger than you. This isn’t some kind of cougar thing; feelings are what they are. I can’t help the fact that I find you attractive and that it makes me angry you let your hang-ups hold you back. Sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable, but it’s the truth.’
‘Oh, and now I’m supposed to say that I find you attractive, too, I suppose!’
She’s mad, really mad.
‘No, of course not. You’re too—’
‘What? Uptight? You don’t think I long to be held in a man’s arms again? That I don’t miss what I thought I had? You want to step in, a guy who’s made some very poor life-decisions and has a chip on his shoulder, to rescue me. I’m devastated by the thought that perhaps my husband wasn’t faithful to me and all you can think about is how you feel?’
‘I’m working through my problems and you’re the one who is trying to run away and pretend everything is fine. I know you like me, and I really wish you could stop dismissing me like some insignificant annoyance. We’re both adults here. You needed some work doing, I needed some money. More importantly, we both needed a little company because it’s a long, lonely night when your head is full of fears.’
I stood, not sure whether I was more disgusted with myself or her. I was disappointed, that’s for sure, but I refused to be lectured by someone who appeared to have less of a grasp on the state of her own emotions than I did.
Then she delivered the final blow.
‘Do you want to know the truth, Luke? Until I can find the courage to slip this wedding band off my finger, I’ll always be Niall’s wife.’
She almost collapsed against me; I knew the anger between us wasn’t really that, it was frustration and longing. A longing to escape the mess we both found ourselves in that wouldn’t allow us to step outside it for even one moment, because everything was tarnished by it.
I held her for a while, neither of us able to move. I didn’t want to let her go and, presumably, Elana was feeling the same way, too. What passed between our bodies wasn’t passion; the heat was one of healing. Wounds that lay at our very core are seldom touched by words alone. But when two bodies cling onto each other out of desperate need, suddenly the loneliness isn’t quite so bad. Eve had unknowingly put yet another barrier in our way, or had it only ever been wishful thinking on my part that Elana and I could ever have a viable relationship? I could feel the need in Elana, as she sensed the need in me, but whether it was our fate to be together … who could know that?
What we shared last night will remain in my memory forever. At that precise moment the person Elana needed most in the world was me. I was powerful, positive and strong, while also feeling desolate at the same time.
I’m not due back at Bay Tree Cottage now until Elana can afford to think about replacing the windows. I have one last wooden strip to lay around the hearth still, but that’s on order and goodness knows when it will arrive. It’s a slim lifeline to hold onto, because I’m already feeling that the dream is over before it even began.
Chapter 47
Luke
Getting Real
Another day dawns with still no contact from Elana and, I’ll be honest, all morning I’ve been working with one eye on the phone, hoping she would call. It’s Friday and, with three days to go before Christmas, I expect she’s out shopping like most other mums at this time of year.
When, eventually, my phone does starts vibrating, I snatch it up and hold my breath as I put it to my ear.
‘Luke, I need you!’ The uncontrollable sobbing isn’t enough to disguise Anita’s voice. It’s like a blow to the gut.
‘What’s wrong? Is Joe alright?’
‘Yes, he’s fine. Can you come over? I really need to talk to you, now.’
Greg looks across at me and I shake my head, indicating it’s not Elana.
‘Okay. It will take me half an hour to finish this off and then I’ll take my lunch break a bit early. I’ll be there as soon as I can.’
‘Thank you. You are my rock.’ I wince. Rock? She’s called me a lot of things, but that was never one of them.
‘It’s not Anita again?’ Greg looks at me, exasperated.
‘Yep. Sounds urgent, though, but it’s not to do with Joe.’
‘Don’t get suckered, mate. She uses you.’
Greg doesn’t understand that I can’t just say ‘no’ to Anita. Her well-being is important to Joe and, whether I like it or not, I am involved with his mum and always will be.
When she opens the door she’s clearly been crying off and on for quite a while. I should be used to this by now – it seems I attract tearful women like a magnet. She doesn’t fall into my arms, which is a relief, but I do feel sorry to see her in this state.
I close the door behind me and follow her inside.
‘What happened?’
There’s no sign of Joe and she catches me looking around for him.
‘Joe is at Mum’s. It’s Chris, we had a row and he walked out – it’s over.’ She starts crying again and I take her arm, lowering her into the nearest chair.
‘I’ll put the kettle on and you can tell me what happened.’
‘Things were going so well, Luke. He said he loved me and he wanted us to get engaged. He met Mum and Dad, and that went well. It all looked so … promising.’
It’s hard to keep an edge out of my voice, reflecting the fact that she can’t seem to understand why any of this should be even mildly upsetting to me. I mean, she’s talking about bringing in a guy who would be like a second dad to Joe.
‘He says if it wasn’t for Joe our life could be perfect.’
‘He said what?’
She nods, miserably.
‘What are you trying to say, Anita? You aren’t going to turn your back on our son, are you?’
‘Do you hate me that much, Luke, to believe I’d do that?’ The look on her face is one of horror. I immediately back down a little, working hard to get myself under control.
‘No, of course not. I’m sorry, it’s just been a tough few days. Whatever our differences, you’ve always been a great mum to Joe, Anita, and I appreciate that.’
That signals another round of fresh tears, but I let her sit and cry, thinking that’s probably for the best. Eventually she’s bound to quieten down.
I sit, staring at the mugs of steaming tea on the coffee table between us, as if I’m some stranger who has walked into an awkward situation.
‘It’s never going to work with anyone else, is it?’ Her voice is almost a whimper. ‘I just thought there was more to life than this … I didn’t realise I already had a good man until I let him go.’
I freeze.
‘I mean, you always put
us first and instead of appreciating that, I saw it as being trapped. I couldn’t let go of the life I’d had before and yet there you were, taking on this huge responsibility without a second thought. I let you down, Luke, and it’s taken this for me to see that. Can you ever forgive me for the way I’ve treated you?’
I glance across at her, feeling shocked. Is that all it takes to make someone do a one-hundred-and-eighty degree turn?
‘It was a time of adjustment for both of us, Anita. If we’d planned it then maybe things would have worked out better. I wouldn’t change a thing, though, because Joe is the best thing that has ever happened to me.’
She’s calmer, even reaching for the tea and taking a sip.
‘I was a dreamer, Luke. I thought everything was going to be perfect and I didn’t realise that having a baby around means nothing is ever going to be the same again. All my friends were envious of me, but I was envious of their freedom. Crazy, isn’t it?’
I’m so taken by surprise, I don’t quite know what to say. Up until now everything has, according to Anita, been my fault and, eventually, even I came to believe it. Should I have known better, been the more responsible one? Anita repeats my name.
‘Luke, Luke. I’m sorry I kicked off when you gave up your IT career to join the family business. It was wrong of me. You did what you had to do and I understand better now that family comes first. Joe has finally taught me that.’
It’s as if I’m talking to someone I don’t know; this certainly is a new side to Anita I’ve never seen. She’d once screamed at me that I’d robbed her of the best years of her life, the years she should have been partying with her friends and having fun.
‘I’d … um … better get back to it. Greg will be wondering where I am. When is Joe coming back?’
‘Later this afternoon. Why don’t you come round for tea, straight from work? Joe would love it and you’d have at least an hour before his bedtime. You could bath him; you know how he loves splashing around.’
A part of me wants to say ‘no’, but another part of me longs to be the dad I want to be to Joe and grab this unexpected opportunity. Anita is making a peace offering and I’d be mad to turn it down.
‘Great, I’ll see you later, then.’
***
‘Have you totally lost your mind? Mate, I’m so disappointed in you. She’s trying to suck you back into her life. What about Elana?’
Greg leans on his shovel, looking at me and shaking his head.
‘This is a major turnaround for me and I can’t expect you to understand until you have kids of your own. When Joe was first born I was there every evening, walking him up and down, giving him his bedtime bottle and involved in every aspect of his life. Then suddenly everything changed – just like that! Six hours a week is nothing; it’s a couple of hours at a play centre, or maybe at the indoor water park and a quick visit with my parents so he doesn’t forget who they are. It’s hell, Greg.’
‘I’ve seen her in action, Luke, and I can’t help thinking there’s a catch. Now this new guy is out of her life it’s too convenient to drag you back in. Just watch yourself.’
I know he means well, but it’s too complicated to explain.
‘Having a baby makes you grow up really fast, Greg. Maybe a couple of years have made all the difference and it’s a sign of maturity. She’s a really good mum to Joe and I can never forget that. I think she’s just come to her senses and wants me to be more involved in Joe’s life rather than pushing me away. There’s nothing between us now, other than Joe.’
‘Okay, ignore me. The only thing I’ve learnt watching you is that I definitely won’t be having kids for a long time, mate. It’s all hassle, from what I can see.’
‘But that’s just the point, Greg. It isn’t. Joe is amazing and he reminds me what life is all about. Your time will come and when it does you’ll feel exactly the same way. I want my boy to be proud of me and I need to keep things between Anita and me amicable for the future.’
‘Yes, well, I don’t think amicable is exactly what Anita has in mind.’ Greg gives me an unrelenting stare.
Chapter 48
Luke
A Whisper Away … and It’s Gone in a Flash
‘What’s wrong, Luke? I can tell something is up. It helps to share, you know.’ Mum tries her best to sound light-hearted, but worry is written all over her face.
I feel as if I’ve had to choose between Elana and Joe, which is ridiculous, of course. If Elana knew the strength of my feelings for her she probably wouldn’t let me in the house ever again. ‘Just life.’ The silence hangs heavily in the room and Mum puts her head down, pretending to be busy updating a job sheet. I know she’s really waiting for me to open up.
‘You know,’ her hand travels across the page, her writing legible even from here, ‘sometimes we over-complicate things. It’s a part of the human condition.’
I laugh, wondering if my generation will ever be as good at parenting.
‘Believe me, Ma, this isn’t my doing. Not this time.’
‘Is it Elana James?’
‘No, it’s Anita.’
‘Well, that’s a surprise. Is this bad news?’
‘Not really. She wants me to spend Christmas with her and Joe. The guy she was seeing is unexpectedly out of the picture. I know you’re expecting me at yours, so I told her I’d think about it.’
‘So what’s holding you back? Clearly it’s not your father and me; you know we only want what makes you happy. Is it Elana James?’
I toy nervously with the paperweight on her desk, moving it around as if it were a chess piece.
‘No, but I wish it was. I thought maybe something was developing between us, but I think she just needed a little support. No harm done and I was glad to be of help.’
Mum sighs.
‘Oh, my son! You have to start thinking about what you want for a change. I don’t know Elana, other than what little you’ve told me about her, but I do know my son. Helping someone out is a wonderful thing to do, but if you end up fooling yourself about how you feel you will get hurt. What is your heart telling you to do?’
This time the laugh I let out is one of pure frustration.
‘I wish I knew! Spending Christmas with Joe would be top of my wish list if I had one. I mean, this Christmas he knows a little about what’s going on and just to be able to be there when he wakes up—’
‘You’d spend the night?’ She sounds shocked.
‘On the sofa. Anita said it would be a lovely memory for us all and she’s right.’
‘Then that’s what you must do. Just tread carefully, Luke. Make sure everything you do is for the right reason and not purely for Joe.’
She stares at me, holding my gaze long enough for me to get the message.
‘Yes, Ma. I won’t let Anita walk all over me. We’ll never get back together as a couple. I’m doing this for Joe and for myself.’
‘Then, everything will be fine. I’m happy for you, Luke, because I know how much this means.’ The look on her face doesn’t mirror her words and I hate the fact that I’m still a constant worry to her. So much for being a mature and responsible adult, then. No wonder I don’t inspire a woman like Elana to think that I’m a real candidate when it comes to picking a new partner. I mean, it’s not just about her, but also about Maya and what she would need from any future male influence in her life.
***
As I walk back to the pick-up my phone starts vibrating and when I check the caller ID it’s Elana. My stomach does a somersault, but I manage to keep my voice even.
‘Hi, how are you doing?’
‘Sorry I haven’t been in touch after the other night. I had a lot of soul-searching to do. We’re heading off to Mum and Dad’s tomorrow for a few days. We won’t be back until the twenty-sixth. Maya was a bit disappointed at first, you know, not being here Christmas morning, but I’ve convinced her it will be fun. I just need to get away, sort my head out. The thing is that we have a couple of pres
ents for you and Joe, nothing big, just a little thank you. As we won’t be having Christmas morning here, we’re going to open a present each tonight and make a bit of a thing about it. I wondered if you fancied coming over to join in. Maya specifically asked me to give you a ring, and to tell you we’ve made gingerbread builders.’
My heart leaps in my chest. Maybe it’s not the romantic invite I’ve been longing for, but it means they’ve both been thinking of Joe and me. It means a lot to know that.
‘Gingerbread what?’ I have a stupid grin on my face and I’m only glad Elana can’t see it.
‘Builders. They’re holding hammers, it was Maya’s idea. Some of the hammers look more like funny-shaped balloons, though.’
We exchange laughs and there’s no way I can decline.
‘I’ll pop round after work.’
‘Oh, I wasn’t sure if you’d be off today.’
‘No, it’s our last day, but we’ll be finishing early because everyone is looking forward to nine days off. Not a lot is going to get done, that’s for sure.’
‘Well, come over as early as you like. I have a casserole in the slow-cooker. We’ll look forward to seeing you later, then.’
I almost said ‘that’s a date’, but managed instead to change it into ‘that’s great’. Is she reaching out to me, or is this a peace offering?
The minute we disconnect I panic, wondering what on earth I can take with me. There’s no point asking Greg for present-giving advice and I can’t ask Mum, as I’m not sure she would think it was a good idea to go. Instead, I leave the little party going on at the office as surreptitiously as I can and head off to the shops. It can’t be expensive, but it has to be thoughtful. Maya is easy, as one of the first things I spot is a bright-pink journal made with handmade paper, and a little lock and key. It has a fairy on the front and that makes it extra special. Looking around for something for Elana is much harder. A lot of the items are Christmas novelty things that look rather cheap. Then I see it – a solitary little musical box, about six inches square. Standing on the top is a model of a small bay tree, standing quite proud. When I pick it up and turn the small winder underneath, it plays ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas’ and the bay tree spins around. I leave the shop with two perfectly packaged presents, feeling pretty pleased with myself.
Christmas at Bay Tree Cottage Page 21
