She nodded, and she lifted the hem of her skirts as they made their way upstairs.
Once they were there, he passed her the glass of punch. She accepted it as she approached the balustrade overlooking the ballroom. She took a sip and leaned her forearms on the railing, peering down at the guests. “Have you been up here before?”
“A number of times. I like watching people.”
“I’ve noticed. You were watching me tonight while I danced with Lord Temple.”
“You seemed distracted.”
“Did I? Perhaps I was. I didn’t sleep well last night, and I found my attention drifting.”
“Was something bothering you— or perhaps someone?”
She studiously ignored him.
He moved closer, noting the way soft tendrils of her pale-blond hair brushed against the nape of her neck. He recalled kissing that spot. He also recalled the way she’d trembled at his touch. The need to kiss her there swept over him, and he had to swallow before he trusted his voice not to waver when he spoke. “Thank you for agreeing to meet me here tonight.”
She sipped her drink. “I was relieved to hear the Queen was so understanding. It sounds as though she’s aware of your loyalty. I’ve always believed her to be a fair and level-headed monarch. Her treatment of you supports that opinion.”
He watched her as she licked her lips. “I’d hoped you’d invite me to speak with you at your home.”
She caught her bottom lip between her teeth. “I considered it, but decided not to. I don’t trust myself alone with you. You and I are currently in a state of limbo, and I’m not sure where things stand between us. I thought I had severed our relationship yesterday at the museum, but then you sent those letters—” She shook her head in frustration. “Truly, Frederick, I can’t continue on this way. Being with you is too painful.”
He couldn’t take his eyes off her. Everything she did was beautiful. Every movement was perfect. He knew he was hurting her, simply by being here, but he couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t stay away.
He took a deep breath. “Josephine, I need you in my life. I realize that now, and I need to make you see it too. I need to make you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you.”
“It isn’t a matter of want. Many of the things I want aren’t good for me. It’s a matter of what’s for the best. You’ll destroy me, Frederick. Your lies and secrets will eat away at us. I’ll never know if I can trust you. I can’t live that way.”
“I’ve been struggling to come up with a way to prove to you I’m determined to change. I might have become a secretive man in order to hide my family skeletons, but I promise not to be that way with you. Not anymore. Between us, there will only be truth and honesty. You have every right to expect it.”
“I’ve expected the truth from you all along, but you’ve never given it. Why would that change? It’s who you are. Frederick, you’re a spy. Your life is based on lies and secrets.”
“My brother once mentioned a quotation he used to guide his life. ‘How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.’”
She furrowed her brow. “I’ve heard that before.”
“Benjamin Franklin. He was full of clever bits of wisdom. I’ve pondered that particular line often, but always as it pertained to my father and his betrayal. Only last night did I come to realize those words applied to me as well.” He took a deep breath. “I need to face my faults and take steps to mend them. I’ve reached a decision. If you want me to, I’ll leave the Queen’s service. You’re right. My life as a spy is based on lies and secrets. I want to change. I want a life with you. A life you and I can share.”
She stumbled away from him as though he’d struck her. “Leave the Queen’s service? But Frederick, you can’t. What you do means everything to you. It defines you.”
“Being a spy doesn’t mean as much to me as you do. I’d gladly give it up to make you happy.”
Her mouth tightened and she pressed her lips together. “Perhaps you can say that now. Perhaps you could even convince yourself you were content for a while, but Frederick, that simply isn’t you. You’re clever and talented. Your brother says so too. Both he and Lord Huntley sing your praises. How can you give up something fundamental to who you are? Don’t you see you’d grow to resent the sacrifice? I couldn’t bear to think you would give up a part of yourself to please me.” She shook her head vehemently. “I won’t let you do it.”
§
Josephine could feel her heart breaking. She couldn’t let Frederick do this. She couldn’t let him give up the one thing that meant the most to him. The one thing that defined him. Not in a mistaken belief that doing so would allow them to have a life together.
Despite the lies and the secrets, she loved who he was. She loved his integrity and his honor. She loved his loyalty and his intelligence. What outlet would he have for his talents if he stopped being a spy? She couldn’t picture him doing anything else. It was too much a part of him.
“I can’t let you give up what makes you you in a misguided attempt to heal us.”
His brow furrowed. He plucked her punch glass from her hand and set it on a nearby table, then he took her elbows in his hands. He pulled her closer and gazed into her eyes. “I want you. I want you in my life. I want you to know my hopes and fears, and I want to know yours. I want my life to be an open book to you.”
That sounded... sounded... wonderful. But even so— “Doesn’t being a spy preclude that? I can’t imagine that a spy would be permitted to reveal all his secrets to his wife.”
His grip tightened on her arms. “Some wouldn’t be mine to tell.”
She thought about that, examining it from different angles. Finally she said, “I can accept the necessity of keeping someone else's secrets. The problem arises when you don’t tell me how those secrets affect you. You can’t keep me in the dark to ‘protect’ me. That isn’t protection. It’s manipulation, and I won’t stand for it.”
His expression softened. “What are you asking for, exactly?”
“To be your partner in life,” she said in exasperation. She broke free of his grip and spread her hands wide. “To be your equal. To have you be honest with me and not put me off with some lie simply because it’s more expedient than the truth.”
“Like the night I was burned? The night I promised not to go out and try to track down the stolen book?”
“Exactly like that.”
He nodded slowly. “In that case, I’d need a promise from you as well. Promise me you’ll trust me when I say I must do something. Tell me you’ll accept that I know my limits and am capable of weighing them against the urgency of the task. The trust you’re asking for goes both ways.”
That took her aback. He was accusing her of being overprotective. Was she? When she considered how she’d behaved the night of the Koliada Ball, she could see his point. She’d stepped in and tried to take over. She’d insisted. She’d pushed. She hadn’t listened to his protests. Not really.
“I can try.” But could she change? Could she let him put himself in danger? She wasn’t sure. She let out a sigh. “We’ll make mistakes, won’t we? We’ll break our promises to trust each other.”
He nodded slowly. “Possibly. Probably. But we’re only human. It will take time to change, but I’m convinced we’re worth the effort.”
She smiled, moving closer to him. “I don’t want you to give up being a spy. I only want you to be honest with me. If we can trust each other, we can conquer anything.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Are you aware of the demands of the life of a spy?”
“Are you referring to the last-minute trips? The broken plans? The dangerous situations? The times you disappear for days, even weeks on end?”
He gave a half-smile. “Apparently, you’re well aware.”
“How could I not be? I’ve witnessed it all for myself this past year.” An idea came to her, and she cocked her head to one side. “Do you e
ver work as part of a team?”
“Sometimes. It depends on the assignment.”
“Do you ever work with women?”
He paused. “Sometimes. If that troubles you, I can assure you there’s never been any sort of romantic involvement—”
She gave a quick jerk of her head. “It isn’t that. I was wondering if I might be able to accompany you. Perhaps I could start off slowly. Only go when you’re certain there’s no real danger. Once I’ve proven myself—”
He shook his head as though confused. “Are you saying you want to become a spy?”
She lifted her chin with a snap. “Why not? You already admitted you’ve worked with other women spies, and you know I’d be good at it. I’m quite observant. I figured out your secret over a year ago. You might be surprised at my skill.”
He narrowed his eyes, but she caught the glint of something devilish in them. He stepped closer, crowding her so she backed up against the gallery wall, out of sight of the ballroom below. “But you’re a lady. A countess.” He seemed to purr the words.
“And you’re a spy,” she said, placing her palm against his chest.
“I don’t know any countesses who are spies.”
She cocked an eyebrow at him. “Fiddlesticks. There’s always a first. Women are doing all sorts of things these days. For heaven’s sake, our monarch is a woman.”
He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer. He tilted his head to one side as he leaned in closer to her. “The idea has merit,” he murmured. “Of course, the best disguise while on a dangerous mission would be for us to pose as husband and wife. Who would ever suspect a married couple? But I’m not certain—”
Josephine suddenly felt lightheaded. “Pose as man and wife?”
“Unless you’ve relented.”
“Relented?” The word came out more as a breathless sigh because Frederick took that moment to press his lips to the side of her neck.
“If you’d agree, then our marriage could be more than a pose,” he murmured against her skin.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Frederick’s heart pounded. The only sounds came from their heavy breathing, Josephine’s gasps of pleasure, and— the noise of the ball taking place twenty feet below them.
He dragged his mouth away from the soft, tempting spot in the hollow of her collarbone. Her eyes fluttered open, but her gaze remained unfocused.
Frederick scanned the gallery for something, anything— and spied a door.
He grabbed Josephine’s hand, shouldered his way through the door, and pulled her with him into the darkened room.
Once inside, he let go of her hand and took stock of his surroundings. In the light washing in from the gallery, he spotted a small table bearing an oil lamp, a box of matchsticks, and a Japanese cloisonné bowl containing a couple of spent matches.
He quickly struck a flame, touched it to the lamp, and tossed the smoldering stick into the bowl. He closed and locked the door, sealing them away from the Palmertons’ ball and all their guests.
Josephine cocked one eyebrow at him and then glanced around the room. “Did you have a sudden urge to riffle through Lady Palmerton’s household office?”
Frederick glanced around, taking in the gilt-edged desk with its delicate chair, the oil portraits of children adorning the walls, and the comfortable-looking upholstered side chair. It was a pleasant space, filled with cherished items, and decidedly feminine. “The chair Lady Palmerton uses at her desk looks as though it would break under Lord Palmerton’s weight.”
Josephine’s smile was sudden and charming. It brought a glow to her face. “I can’t imagine him in this room. He’s such a large man. He seems more suited to a battlefield.”
Frederick crossed the ornate rug to put his hand on the desk as though testing it. He grinned as he turned and leaned back against it. “It’s sturdier than it looks.” He nodded approvingly as he glanced around the space. “I’ve changed my mind. Now that I think about it, I can easily picture Lord Palmerton in here. He’d overpower the space, but I have the feeling that large, upholstered chair over there is a favorite of his. It looks as though it was specifically added to this room for him.”
She moved closer to him and slid her arms around his waist. “I’m happy we aren’t keeping secrets anymore.”
“You mean that I’m not keeping secrets.” At this angle, with him sitting on the edge of the desk, they were almost eye-to-eye. He touched a loose strand of her pale-blond hair and then gently looped it around his finger, like a ring.
Her grin was impish. “In a word, yes.”
He unwound his hand from her hair. It was hard to gather his thoughts when she was so close, so he leaned back slightly. “I have something else I need to tell you.” When her hands tensed on his back, he shook his head briefly. “Not another secret. News. The news I mentioned in my letter.” Her hands relaxed, and she began stroking his back. “I was approached regarding an opportunity earlier this week, and the Queen has already given her approval. I’d like to hear your opinion.”
She tilted her head to one side. It was obvious he’d piqued her curiosity. “Tell me all about it.”
“I currently report to our spymaster. He’s been in that position since long before I joined the Queen’s service.” Suddenly restless, he pushed away from the desk and began pacing. “A couple of evenings ago, he told me he plans to retire.” He stopped and met her gaze. “He wants me to take his place.”
Josephine looked stunned. “But you’re so young. Not that I don’t think you’re capable. Of course you are, but if the spymaster is retiring, doesn’t that mean he’s an older man?”
“I had the same reaction, but he says he’s come to rely on my insights into the various missions he’s managing. He says I’m the person best suited to replace him.”
“And you’re considering it?”
“Yes. It would mean I wouldn’t travel as much as I do now. I’d need to be in London the majority of the time so I could easily communicate with my men.”
Consternation furrowed her brow. “But you love what you do. Would you be content giving up being a spy? Wouldn’t you miss going on missions?”
He shook his head. “I wouldn’t give up missions entirely. Even Lord—” He stopped himself. “Even our current spymaster goes on them occasionally, and he doesn’t particularly like doing so. I’m certain there will be more adventures in my future.”
She gave an indulgent smile. “Apparently the name of the current spymaster is one of those secrets that isn’t yours to share.”
He tilted his head from side to side. “It’s not something I mention in passing, but I’ll tell you if you want to know.”
She held up her hand. “I don’t need to know right now. Perhaps I never will. You can keep that piece of information to yourself.” She paused. “Are you telling me about this because you want my opinion?”
“Partly. And partly because I want to be more open with you. Do you think I should accept the position?”
“It sounds perfect for you. You’re a master at chess. A strategic thinker. Being spymaster and planning the activities of an entire web of spies would suit you to perfection. I’m certain our country would be well served with you in that role. You’d also be based in London, wouldn’t you? You already know that would please me.”
“Then you approve of the idea?”
She paused. “Is it my place to approve or disapprove?”
He watched her closely. “You didn’t respond to my comment earlier.”
“Which one was that?”
“When we discussed going on a mission together— and I can assure you, we can do so quite easily once I’m spymaster— I mentioned that we’d need to pose as a married couple, or make it more than a mere pose.”
“You’re right. I didn’t respond.” She glanced toward the floor. “You asked my opinion on two important matters tonight. The first was whether you should give up your life as a spy for me, and the second concerned this new
position as spymaster. I find your methods of imparting that information quite telling.”
Frederick tensed. He didn’t like the determined look on her face. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all.
“You weren’t being entirely honest with me. Not when you withheld your second piece of news until you knew how I felt about your leaving the Queen’s service. I feel manipulated.”
Frederick felt as though he’d suddenly fallen through a weak spot in the ice. He’d known he needed to be careful, but he’d never foreseen this particular reaction.
It galled him. He prided himself on his ability to foresee problems and prepare for them. It was why he was so good at chess. It was why he believed he was suited to the role of spymaster. But Josephine had just proved to him that he wasn’t nearly as good at this as he thought.
“I was trying to be more truthful with you,” he finally said. “It looks as though I went about it the wrong way.” He shook his head. “Maybe this change will be more difficult than I’d realized.”
She looked oddly pleased by his confession. “It’s a process. I don’t expect you to change in one fell swoop. You’ve been secretive for many years. This will take some practice.”
Practice— that meant— “Are you saying you’re willing to keep trying?”
“Yes, Mr. Woolsy, I am. You’re worth the effort.” Her gaze raked his body. “I’m afraid you’ve left quite the impression on me.”
He moved closer. Close enough to reach out and touch her. Close enough to feel the heat radiating off her skin. Close enough to catch the fresh scent of her hair. But he kept his hands to his sides.
“You’ve left a lasting impression on me, as well. I can hardly get you out of my mind. You’re my last thought as I fall asleep at night, and the first one when I wake up in the morning, which is probably because you fill my dreams. You’re never far from my mind. Every time I see a flash of blue, I think it’s you. I love you, Josephine. I’ll do anything to make you happy.” A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. “I’ll even bring you on all my missions if that’s what it will take to convince you I’m trustworthy.”
My Lady, My Spy (Secrets and Seduction Book 4) Page 15
