by Ron Foster
He had tried to delay this moment of deciding on his bug out plans as long as he could and wait and see a more positive outcome based on his false trust of human nature, well with the people he was dealing with anyway. He had tried to have a contingency plan for them somewhat and had thrown an extra 10 bucks a week out of his own pocket that he couldn’t really afford in the last year preparing for when the starving neighbors with kids might come calling asking for a handout. He had bought rice and beans and such for them as hand outs to see if they would honor a pact with him and as a means to reinforce his leadership capabilities but that plan wasn’t working out, it was all take and nothing more it seemed.
These weren’t humble starving people used to doing without and grateful for any help he could give, no they were jealous and petty modern era folks used to getting instant gratification without hard work to obtain it or a great deal of patience persevering like his grandparents and parents did during the great depression.
Most of them yahoos were countrier than hell but that didn’t mean they knew nothing about how to farm or even tend a garden for that matter. They lived in the country, they did menial jobs like factory work or construction labor in the city and to even think of busting the ground up by hand with a mattock or hoe for a garden was somehow beneath them to do at home and too country living for them as they preferred to lord over their new smart phone acquisition to their somewhat jealous less financially enabled cousins and such who were poorer than they were living in a rundown trailer about 30 yrs old. That’s pretty much the survival talents they possessed during hard times every day.
Most didn’t seriously hunt but they all had a gun and the usual collection of cheap ass knives to worry you about, but except for occasional fist fights they got into with one another in the past you didn’t have to worry about them much. They sort of sorted themselves out in the order of things. You did sometimes have to worry about them ganging up on you in a bar fight if they didn’t respect you and all the cousins and such wanted to jump in but all in all they knew what real violence was and tended to avoid it or disappear from the community for a number of years in some hellish state prisons that reminded them to be good when they got home and enjoy a life that more depended on just being a good person with others than messing with the meth or whatever.
Country folks as a term has a different meaning in the south, it’s a way you talk and walk and think that gets you branded a bumpkin when one hillbilly calls the other one redneck. Usually it’s not attributed to anything but perceived intelligence and that’s where it gets sort of off track, you would think a good old country boy knew something about raising chickens or tomatoes but the actual fact was probably only 10% of those called being backwoods southern boys knew a damn thing about it other than maybe having done it once or twice as a child.
The word that comes to Sam’s mind down here is stupid, country ass entitlement stupid with an attitude of dumb. He would still take a dozen of them over one liberal minded Yankee though that lacks the manners of saying yes maam and no sir but that’s just him and his own values of morality. Sam was pondering to himself as he inspected the side trails before thinking “oh Shit” something has been messing with my trap line again as he looked at a sprung conibear set in front of him.
.
He had tried to catch a wily old raccoon for two weeks now after first spying his tracks in the deep yellow sand in the gulley by the creek bank and had made himself a pocket set to undo the critter. But somehow it had outwitted him and got away somehow.
The sight he now saw had all the makings of human theft versus Coyote predation though and a brief thought of sliding some rice Arnold’s way before he left here crossed his maddened mind before his own moral reason and compass took over to nix that terrible idea. “Never let your conscious die”, Sam mumbled to himself as he examined the scene of the crime closer.
For weeks now Sam had come upon empty sets on his trap line with occasional signs of predator opportunitzation and depravation but this one took the cake and he could clearly see a clear heel imprint that the human thief had left behind and not brushed out with a leafy branch.
“I bet whoever did this expects me not to notice a hell of a lot that’s plain as day here and awfully careless I must say. I admit at first I wasn’t thinking of folks trap robbing me and I put it down to coyotes or other critters when I seen blood but no game at a trap site, but this track says guilty all over it. Dang fool even washed the blood off that conibear like I wouldn’t notice. I am still vexed about how they are getting game out of them though, most people don’t know how to unset a trap and that size number 220 ain’t something you can do just by strength of hand. “Sam thought as he surveyed the area further.
Maybe they were just cutting the critter out, that would make sense but there is no way of telling since they didn’t leave hair nor hide. Wait a minute, that’s a bone chip in the dirt down there, that’s the way they are doing it I bet. No way for me to tell that much about what they got or how long ago this was but my best guesstimate is a couple of hours. “Sam thought while back tracking from the creek and seeing a stone turned over to its wet side that hadn’t lost all its moisture yet, considered I bet he kicked that thing up getting out of the ditch, yup I see by the leaves he is heading back towards home. Well buddy tomorrow when you come out bird dogging me or my trap line I will leave you a surprise!
“No, quit now Sam I am, fish hooks strung on the trail on invisible monofilament fishing line is just plain nasty and you got no business even considering such a violent response but maybe since you got a mind not to let this transgression go you can leave some other kind of calling card reminder behind. Hum, ah hell I will get him technically with something speaking for my Karma he will allow me my revenge and do it to himself.
That nest of meat eating yellow jackets just up the bank from here would be just the ticket to mess up whatever fool is stealing from me. I could leave him a trap to rob over the entrance to them nasty stingers with a dead squirrel in it just waiting for when he comes along. He wouldn’t know what’s under the body and try to chase the few yellow jackets off on it and grab the squirrel.
The would be trap robber who unwisely chases a few yellow jackets off with a stick not knowing there is a nest of them stingers laying in wait to swarm him will have lots of regrets.
“No calm down Sam, no sense you yourself regretting doing such a horrible deed later, won’t be no traps of yours to rob anymore after you pick up all your sets and leave this area for good tomorrow.” Sam admonished himself
“I know what! I will just leave him a few signs that lead to that damn skunk’s lair and he can deal with that stinky old critter on his own. Course I am going to make Mr. Skunk be in a bad mood before introducing them.” Sam thought grinning and went back to the house to fetch some cardboard but not before he went by his trash can root cellar and dug up his cache that he had hid under the empty galvanized can.
He had a similar bin that was made out of an ice chest cooler they tried to store potatoes in once to also see about today and unearth a secret or two from their subterranean hiding places but that one was easier to get to.
“What are you grinning like a Cheshire cat about and why exactly is it that you are back so early? Everything ok?” Lori asked as Sam hollered out a hello the house call to indicate he was in the area and she had opened up the door with a broad smile of her own that said thanks for coming back quick. It was stressful times for them both to be separated for any period of time. Too much could happen; the other might need you etc. This sort of thing always played on their minds as questions of “Are They Alright?” and “Am I to far away to protect them if they need me, so I better check on them etc.” plagued their minds several times a day for differencing periods of time.
“Lori, those damn neighbors of ours have taken to robbing my traps and I know it’s them for sure now. For sure now! Hold on a second darlin and don’t say anything yet about that I don’t know it was the
m for sure because I got the goods on them. Yes I do, they are guilty, guilty.” Sam said before she objected or had a chance for questioning him about the fact he couldn’t be positive as he had indicated himself a time or two in the past he had his reservations. Problem to Lori though was he had said he might do somebody some serious bodily harm if he caught anyone messing with their dinner regularly. An animal taken or stolen from a trap here or there was one thing but like a coyote that started following your trap line you had to eventually start hunting them or starve. When he had said that, Lori remembered the look on his face and didn’t want to see it again.
.
“So what are you going to do? Behave yourself and be good hopefully! I thought you looked kind of happy when you got back here, what’s wrong now? No sense you getting mad and stirring up any ruckus about anything around here, especially considering that you are going to be trying to be sneaking out of here tomorrow without drawing too much attention. I figured you and I would have already left by now, I am ready when you are let’s hook up and go. Remember, we were supposed to already have been gone yesterday before you decided to hang around just one more day here.” Lori warned not knowing if that grin Sam was wearing meant anything different then just him shouting at the devil and being boisterous or that he was actually in a problem causing mood.
“I ain’t going to confront nobody or start nothing, don’t you worry yourself about that. Actually I was just thinking about leaving a sign or two behind that says something like “Guys, I don’t like you and don’t mess with my stuff no more, stay away!” Sam said now chuckling and looking comical.
His antics while laughing He He’s and Ho Ho’s were normally infectious enough for her to just chuckle along with him but something about his manner said this was going to be a good one and she wanted further details on what it was that Sam thought was so funny. As she moved closer to him she got herself a whiff of what partially or evidently had him in so happy of a mood today. It was kind of obvious to her nose that he had dug up their last bottle and a half of whiskey and had hit it a time or two before coming home.
As Lori patiently waited for Sam to say what he had in mind and to regain his composure as he grinned and reached into the sack for one full bottle and one greatly depleted bottle of Ancient Age Whiskey and presented them for her inspection on the counter with a flourish.
“Have a drink, hell have two, sorry baby, don’t be mad at me but I got ahead of you a mite and started a little bit early saying goodbye to my woods one more time. I am sure going to miss this old place.” Sam said apologizing and wanting Lori to catch up with the little buzz he was getting to try to forget some sadness and get cheerfully positive about it all and their bugging out in the morning.
He started giggling again merrily about a prank that he had dreamed up from his cups to play on the neighbor and he set about looking for some cardboard to make his signs out of. He was sort of in a hurry about it so he could get back to their goodbye house party they had declared this evening to say goodbye to the old homestead. A house leaving party that hopefully wouldn’t hit too many sad notes during the night reminiscing instead of talking about tomorrow’s mission. .
.
Lori told him slow down a minute and that considering that he had sign making on his mind that the sharpie magic marker pencil doohickey was in the kitchen drawer if he needed it and began poking and prodding at him to let on to what it was exactly that he had in mind to do next that was so funny. Watching Sam pondering his artwork she grinned and mixed herself and him a drink and waited.
.
“Oh I ain’t going to do much but leave a few little pieces of cardboard along the trail of my trap line like breadcrumbs for them to follow. If I had the time I would make them Rhyme like the old Burma shave commercial advertising signs on side of the road they did a hundred years ago back in the day.
“Long story short, the signs I am making are going to end up pointing in the direction of that water well I got sunk in the creek.” Sam said with quite a bit of mirth in his voice.
“Ha drink up Lori girl, it tastes good and you can help me make the signs and come along with me to arrange them as we are putting them up. I ain’t worried about nothing today you might say. We won’t get too crazy with our drinking but we are going to tie a little one on tonight and have a few stiff drinks. It’s only when those suckers next door are not eating that I begin worrying about them. They should be busy chowing down now or later this evening. I bet you that they are probably more worrying about me smelling roasting raccoon coming from over there at their place at the moment than them thinking about coming over here so I think it’s o.k., we can let our guard down some. ” Sam said relaxing and reaching for his own drink.
“They ain’t found that crazy water catcher thing of yours yet?” Lori asked incredulous about Sam’s weird innovation to get a coffee pot full of water out of the drying up creek.
“No and I bet if I didn’t show them exactly where it was at they never would.” Sam said referring to him burying a whole discarded toilet about 6 ft from the edge of the creek for water to filter through sand and dirt and fill up as they slept. All you had to do was lift the lid that Sam had glued real dead leaves and dirt on top of to find pure water because he had disguised it so well.
“So you ain’t going to do something like take a crap in it are you?” Lori said beside herself with laughter that was meant to poke at Sam a bit while thinking humorously how Sam was going to pull off his alleged joke.
“ Daaaamn! I didn’t think of that! Two brownie points for you!” Sam said hugging her laughing and sharing the joke.
“No what I am going to do is set a trap and leave a sign posted like “no soup for you “etc. and guide them down the real trail of that trap line they missed and draw me a tuna or something on one of these bits of cardboard and say stuff like “Sorry Charlie” until they get to that ground filter water well and lift the lid!” Sam said with his eyes a twinkle.
“And then what?” Lori gushed a conspirator grin all on edge to hear what Sam had in mind...
“And then they get their surprise I promised and just deserts if nature cooperates.” Sam said solemnly but with a sly wink.
“You aren’t going to do anything screwed up like put a rattlesnake or a cottonmouth in it are you?” Lori said guardedly because she was sometimes worried about Sam’s sanity or sometimes nasty streaks these days.
“Oh hell no, I wouldn’t wish that sort of thing on my worst enemy at the moment. Jezz Lori that liquor must be already giving you quite a buzz to think that I would even do something like that. Course you are right, I am you might say able to do something like that if I wanted to but that’s just messed up. Hey, did you already pack the Anise or is it where we can get to it?” Sam asked still grinning and fiddling with things he wasn’t sure whether to bring or leave behind as he drank his drink up fast and looked in a box.
“It’s over there in that box by your gardening goods; I thought you only used that on deer as an attractant?” Lori inquired.
“I can make all kinds of baits and lures and if this works it’s going to be perfect!” Sam said slapping his hands together with glee and starting to make out signs with the marker and then laughing to himself.
“DON’T’ Want to make a stink out of this but you suck” Sam managed to fit on the first biggest piece of cardboard.
“Won’t be long until you can’t rob my traps.” The next one said as he added a smiley face sticker to it wondering what those idiots expected he was doing to them but they would go have a look eventually anyway. He was sure of that. Nature of the beast. They might leave it alone for a day, and then they would try to Indian scout it and poke whatever it was with a stick if suspicious.
“What are you going to do Sam you got me on edge wondering.” Lori said over her drink
“Not much, I am just going to write You STINK under that toilet lid to the well that creek water is seeping into.
“I don’t u
nderstand? What are you playing at Sam? Are you going to fill it full of rotting leaves or something, you already said you weren’t going to crap in it or anything didn’t you?” Lori asked scrutinizing him.
“ Oh no, but I am going to stop it up so no water can get in it anymore and make a nice place for its new resident to reside in. Some extra leaves might get in if I leave it half open but it should be alright. No what I am going to do with that anise is lure mister or missus skunk down there and the lid will fall and trap them. Now hopefully they ain’t going to squeeze a shot of stinky off being scared after that toilet lid slamming down and warn the visitors or gas themselves. The fun part is that hopefully one pissed off skunk should be waiting under that camouflaged toilet seat lid for whoever opens it first. Anyway that’s the best non-lethal thing I can come up with on short notice and hopefully that skunk’s sweet tooth will get it as well as them in trouble when they meet.” Sam said convinced it was at least as good of a plan and prank, if not one of his better get even ones under such circumstances to undertake for the hell of it.
Lori thought this idea was pretty funny and quite judicious and much less harmful than what she had accused Sam of being capable of if you got him riled and with a sigh of relief and hearty chuckle her grin told Sam that was an ultimate prank and he had out done himself once again if it worked.
