I did my stretches. Be well. Joining my family for dinner had nourished me in a new way tonight. What a difference it made to get there without rushing and be greeted without the all-too-familiar needling about my work.
Be content. I felt good about my talk with Judy. Despite the points she had made to dissuade me. My brain started spinning on different schools, so many of them far away, and with them the responsibility of research. Like I’d said when I was talking to Valerie and Maricela, I didn’t want to do research. I wanted to inspire people to do research, but how was I supposed to do that? My heart rate increased. I had to let it go for the night.
Be calm. Panic was exactly what Judy wanted me to feel, so I would return to the lab committed to her vision. But I was serious about needing a change in direction. I loved The Miracle Center, but I needed a job with regular hours. If only The Miracle Center had a position to help recruit people to science. Who was it that Maricela’s teacher would have spoken to about the internship there? I pulled a breath deep into my lungs and let it out. That was a good question! My eyes flew open. The right question could make all the difference in finding an answer! I laughed out loud and felt my entire body relax with relief. I had a question. I had the right question.
Be at peace. My heart rate steadied, and I breathed easily for the first time in ages. It felt like stopping at the top of the stairs where Valerie and I could enjoy the view. I didn’t know quite what I was seeking yet, but I had confidence that my question would lead me in the right direction.
I took myself to bed and dropped into the most restful sleep I had ever experienced alone. I slept without checking the time. I slept until my alarm went off. I slept, and I woke up rested.
Chapter Thirty
We met at Valenti’s Trattoria. I waited outside for Remi, having made a point to be early. I closed my eyes and replayed our first date. She’d snuck up on me the second I shut my eyes to think about whether we were in hug territory. We’d gone so far beyond that, yet I was still nervous waiting for her.
I recognized the Ferrari’s purr and patted myself on the back. Remi would be coming home with me tonight, and I let my thoughts wander through all the wonderful things we could do.
“Ciao, Beautiful,” Remi said, kissing me on the cheek.
Oh, yeah. I had a lot of plans. “So I picked right?”
“I have never been here before.” She held the door open for me.
“But you speak Italian?”
“That is your guess?”
“My official guess. You drive a Ferrari and you greeted me in Italian.”
“What if I Googled how to say hello in Italian after you texted me the name of this restaurant?”
“Then I don’t think it would sound like that on your lips. Do you speak Italian?”
“I’m afraid not. I can understand a little, but my only Italian I picked up from movies which doesn’t count.”
My jaw dropped. I was wrong? I couldn’t be wrong! What happened after dinner if I was wrong? Remi reached out to touch my chin, prompting me to close my mouth before something flew in. “But I was so sure! I had plans!”
“It appears those plans will have to be rearranged,” she said, ushering me through the door.
I slipped my hand into my pocket and wrapped my fingers around the Lego figurine trying to think of a way to salvage the evening. Remi’s words had pushed us back toward the tension over my conference trip. I sighed and recalibrated the evening. The conference wasn’t a bad place to start, considering what I had wanted to talk about. “The conference was awful. I should have been with you and Neil.”
She smiled to acknowledge my words but did not respond. She picked up the menu to scan the contents. I had already decided on the manicotti and used the time she took to choose to study her, her delicate cheekbone, the perfection of her eyebrows, the crisp cut of her hair that accentuated her jaw and always drew my attention to the places on her neck I wanted to kiss.
“You are staring.” Remi set down her menu and placed the napkin on her lap.
“I was remembering how you captivated me from the moment I saw you at Rosa’s science fair.”
“You made it very difficult to focus on the content of the young scientist’s project.”
“And then you floored me by saying you had ideas about my sleep study.” She held my gaze. “I was hoping to gather more data for that tonight.”
“Is that why you invited me to dinner?” She twisted the stem of her empty wineglass, making my body ache to have her fingers on me…in me. I had to look away to regain my focus.
“I wanted to tell you that I told my boss that the conference clarified a lot of things for me.”
Our waiter appeared, dressed all in black with a crisp white apron around his waist. Accentuated by his dark goatee, white teeth flashed when he delivered a basket of bread. Noah introduced himself, ran through the night’s specials and took our order efficiently.
Instead of reaching for bread, Remi extended her hand, inviting me to continue. “If I follow the career path I am on now, there are tons more conferences like last week’s, and I was bored out of my skull. I was trying to figure out why I enjoyed the STEM conference so much more. That got me thinking about Rosa’s fair, and it hit me! I enjoy working with young people, with students!” I leaned forward. “I don’t have a firm idea of what I’ll do next, but I told my boss I’m leaving research.”
Remi didn’t smile like I expected her to. She was quiet until Noah had delivered our wine. She took a sip, savoring the deep red liquid before she set down her glass. “I did not ask you to leave your research.”
“No, I know you didn’t! But now I can see the stress it causes me. My mother has been pointing it out to me for years, and until now I have ignored her, thinking that I knew what I wanted to do with my degree. That science fair, helping Maricela pass her class, I want to be doing things to inspire young scientists!”
Remi took another sip of wine. “You do not have to leave research to be a mentor to young scientists.” I opened my mouth to argue about how I didn’t have hours enough in the day to see her let alone any spare time to volunteer. She stayed my thoughts with her hand and sighed deeply. “I have already suffered through my father’s resentment after sacrificing his career on my brother’s behalf. You have a PhD, Karla. You studied hard to earn your position, and I can’t be the person who makes you walk away from that.”
“I’m not making a drastic decision.”
Her beautiful eyebrows lifted. “When did you tell your boss about not enjoying the direction of your work?”
“Yesterday. She said to sleep on it. I did, and I’m even more certain today that there is a better job for me. I just have to find it. And then I’ll have more time for the important people in my life.”
Noah delivered our food, which was delicious. We exchanged bites with each other, and I waited for the food to relax Remi to the point where she could hear my words and understand what she meant to me.
“Have you considered that you could change jobs, and things with Neil will not improve? What if his agitation continues to grow and he hurts himself worse next time?”
“That’s not what I saw when he was at my house. What if having less demands on my time contributes to the stability he feels?”
Remi ate in silence, and I could tell that she was still sorting her thoughts. Finally, she put down her fork and set her napkin on top of it. “I cannot help wondering how long it will be until you miss the challenge of research. How will you feel when your lab puts out another paper, and your name is not on it? That question will always be at the back of my mind.”
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the Lego figurine. The figurine had a ponytail, like I often did, and held a box of popcorn. I adjusted the arm, so it looked like the figure was offering it to Remi. “You’re my Wyldstyle. And I’m Popcorn. I’ll keep learning, with him and with you. Isn’t that part of being in a relationship? What if that’s the challenge I pick?�
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“It is a big change, Karla. One I think you need to give more thought.” She picked up the Lego figurine and held it out to me. “You are immeasurably more than Popcorn. Set her next to the scientist in the Lego lab Neil liked so much. You will see what I am saying.”
Reluctantly, I took the figurine back. I could not argue with her words. I would only sound irrational if I did. I would have to keep my big-girl chonies on tonight and do as she asked.
Chapter Thirty-One
“You haven’t given an update about the sleep study in a while, mate. What’s the data showing?” Valerie asked at the top of the stairs. Her pregnancy finally had her huffing about the same as I was.
I waved off her question. “No new data lately.”
Valerie scowled. “What do you mean no new data?”
“Just what it sounds like. No sleepovers for me for a couple of weeks.”
“It has NOT been weeks since you had sex!”
“I never said I wasn’t having sex. I said I wasn’t having sleepovers.”
“That doesn’t make any sense at all. You look happy and rested. Based on your studies, I took that to mean you were getting laid and getting a bunch of sleep.”
“I am getting both, but I’m also sleeping alone. I guess I should add a new column for that.” I started walking down the stairs. I didn’t want to have more of that conversation in a building where I might run into coworkers, and I knew Valerie wasn’t going to let the subject go.
“Why doesn’t she want to sleep over anymore?” Valerie asked, doing the funny waddle that her belly made her do when she went downstairs.
“I guessed the fifth language wrong.”
“Sorry, mate. I don’t follow.”
“The deal was that if I guessed the fifth language she speaks fluently, she’d come home with me. I guessed wrong, so she won’t stay.”
“You keep guessing wrong?”
A little embarrassed to admit it, I waited for her to look at me so I could get away with nodding. She wasn’t letting me off easily. “Yes.”
“What’ve you guessed?”
“Italian, Russian, German, Portuguese. Japanese, Korean, Chinese.”
“Oof! You’re lucky that she didn’t say she wouldn’t have sex with you until you guessed right!”
“I know, I know.”
“Is she at least happy about your leaving research?
“Not as much as I thought she’d be. She still thinks that her brother is going to make me change my mind about being together. I gave her the popcorn Lego figurine, which I thought would explain everything. If accepting the nickname Popcorn doesn’t say ‘I love you,’ what will?”
“Do you?”
“What? Love her?”
“Yes, love her! Have you said the words? Because I’m not seeing a dramatic declaration of love in a plastic toy.”
“I told her she’s my Wyldstyle!”
“Still not seeing it. This is big, Karla. Are you in love with her?”
I swallowed, unable to say the words to Valerie but absolutely sure that she was right. “Yes, I am, but I can’t tell her or she’ll think that’s why I decided to leave research.”
Valerie tipped her head, agreeing. “What’s she think of the new job?”
“I haven’t told her.”
“How’s that? You’ve known for what, a week?
“I left her a message. I wanted to tell her in person, but she’s been busy. She had to take Neil to get his burn checked out. I’ve been working late, too, training my replacement.”
“Maybe the late hours make her think you’re not really serious about slowing down?”
“Maybe.” It didn’t make sense to me, either. I hadn’t pictured anything dramatic like us exchanging keys or anything, but I did think that she would at least show some excitement about the changes I was making. For someone who worked in education, she met my enthusiasm about wanting to mentor future scientists tepidly at best.
Though Remi’s guardedness worried me, I thought of how Rosa’s science fair had brought us together. Leaving the lab had been difficult that day, but it had been the right thing. It had led me to something that better suited me.
“Sometimes the answer is different than what you expect it to be. When Rosa stayed over when we were working on the sleep study, I had thought that it was her sleepover that made me sleep better. Now I wonder if it had more to do with how I was focusing on something other than work that made me relax. Since that talk with Judy, I’ve been sleeping fine. It might not be the result that Rosa expected, but it’s one I can live with.”
Valerie frowned. “You’re a big fat liar.”
I shrugged. “But it sounds good.”
We’d reached the spot where we separated to walk to our respective buildings. Valerie’s hug made me think of Maricela and her mom. For so long, I had thought it was her mother’s population I wanted to help. Now, I was excited to help more students like Maricela and convince them of their potential.
Valerie must have been thinking of our walking buddy as well because she said, “Will Maricela be at your going-away party tomorrow?”
“No. It’s just my lab mates and you.”
“You didn’t invite anybody else?”
“It’s not that big of a deal. And it’s for the lab to say goodbye. It would be weird to have anybody else there.”
“But you invited me.”
“Only because there’s food.”
“Free food!” Valerie smiled and waved over her shoulder “Okay. See you tomorrow.”
Funny how any end, even a good one, feels tinged with sadness. I was closer to Valerie than I was to anyone in my lab, and I would continue to see her just as often, so there was no reason to feel sad at my farewell. Ashleigh had covered the break room with balloons and two small banners, one saying “Congratulations!” and the other “Good luck!”
I’d told her that since she had her own key lanyard, she wouldn’t miss me at all, and she’d surprised me with a heartfelt thanks for my help when she first started. I was touched that what I’d thought of as a forgettable gesture she used as an example of why I was sure to excel at my new job.
Judy offered an unexpected farewell speech, which choked me up enough that it was difficult to voice how thankful I was for the confidence she’d had in me. Though I was excited about my new career path, and I knew that it would sting when I didn’t see my name linked with the drug to decrease retinal damage, it was also a great relief to set down my guilt because I could not dedicate a hundred percent to the project.
Valerie kept everything from feeling awkward by trying to get everyone to eat as much as she did. I was lucky to have her as a friend. We’d had so many conversations about luck… My musings were interrupted by the profile of someone who looked exactly like Remi passing the break room. I shook my head, chastising my thoughts for circling back to her. As if I had the right to ask for more in my life.
The door opened, and she peeked in. I had a few beats to watch her before she found me, a few seconds to try to read why she was there. I set down my half-eaten cake and walked to the door.
Her eyes never left mine as she slipped inside. Her smile was tentative, and we didn’t hug. She read the signs in the room and congratulated me, though her cheerful tone did not match her resigned visage.
“Remi. What are you doing here?”
Her eyes left me then, and when I turned Valerie was giving a thumbs-up, a grinning broadly.
“Valerie texted me and asked if I would come to your going-away party. I wondered if it was a new job when you said you had news to share.”
“You didn’t call.”
“I wanted to give you space to think about the decision you were making.”
“Didn’t you hear me when I said how excited I was about working with students?”
“Yes. But I still worry that you will come to resent Neil and then me for making you leave what you love.”
“You’re not making me leave.�
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“You belong at The Miracle Center. What you do impacts so many lives.”
The few colleagues who had lingered used my distraction to take their leave. After I said goodbye to them, I turned back to Remi. “But I don’t have to leave! That’s what I wanted to tell you.” I bit my lip and caught Valerie’s eye, pleading for help.
“Show her your new office. I’ll clean up here,” Valerie said.
“Come with me?” I took Remi’s hand.
She looked uncertain, something I had never seen in Remi and earnestly wanted to erase. She was stunning as ever in her flowing black pants and tailored blue blouse that showed off every wonderful curve.
Her hand felt so good in mine, that I wrapped my other hand around it too. “I am so happy to see you.” When we got to the sidewalk, Remi started to turn toward the parking lot. “This way,” I said, pulling her the opposite direction.
“I thought we were going to your new office.”
“We are! You’re absolutely right about how much I love The Miracle Center. I remembered two things the night Judy told me to think about leaving research. When I was at Rosa’s science fair, she wanted me to reach out as a liaison between that event and the lab. That made me think about how someone must coordinate with The Miracle Center’s labs to set up the service-learning projects with community colleges. Maricela had such low confidence about pursuing a research career, and I helped her. I had an impact on her life. Now I’ll get to work with that population earlier and grow their confidence to pursue careers in science.”
We stopped in front of the Public Relations building.
“My new office is on the second floor.”
She blinked. “You will be working with students like Maricela?”
“Yep! I’ll be coordinating outreach with local schools, encouraging minority students to invest in science. Nine to five, normal hours. So I can spend more with you. And Neil. And my family, too, of course. But mostly you. Say you’ll give me some of your time.”
Cure for Insomnia Page 23
