by Zi'ere
I have ears full of tears.
“Why are you crying?”
“Get off of me!”
“Were you telling me no?”
“Muthafucka, you know damn well that I was telling you no! Get the fuck off of me and get out of my house! If I say it again, I am going to call the police!” I scream out in pure rage.
32
Gavin rolls over but he looks as if he is ready for a nap, instead of leaving. I scramble to my feet and then feel a warm liquid trickling down my legs. We both see the blood at the same time. He grabs me to break my fall, but I can’t stand up straight because the pain is so bad. Gavin tries to catch the blood with his shirt but I break away from him.
Slumped down in shame and hurt I run to the bathroom in the hallway and then I quickly lock the door. I pull the ripped rags of the remainder of my outfit from my body and then get into the shower. I stand under the therapeutic spray of hot water, as I continue to cry my eyes out.
Gavin knocks on the door repeatedly. I jump thinking at one point that he is going to break the door down by disrespecting the locks on the door and its hinges. I stand under the hot water, profusely scrubbing my body clean until the water turns cold. Realizing that I’m not in my master bathroom, I have no access to clothing, unless I come out and counter Gavin again.
I hear the house phone and my cell phone ringing back to back. I need a phone but there is no way I am going to come out of this small sense of security that I have behind this locked door. I know that if Gavin really wants to get to me, it won’t take much for him to get in. I pray for peace to be restored in the safe haven of my once quiet apartment.
I am in complete shock. Gavin has told me that he loves me, yet he just raped me as he said the words. I towel myself and dry my long natural hair, as best that I can. I wrap myself in an oversized terry cloth robe that hangs on the back of the door and then I dry the tub with my towel. My spirit is broken.
Tears are still falling from my eyes, as I create a makeshift bed inside of the bathtub. I pull a blanket and a pillow from the linen closet. Squeezing my thighs together seems to ease the pain in addition to the Motrin that I find in the medicine cabinet. Exhaustion and trauma takes over my body, as I fall asleep curled up in the bathtub. As Gavin sits outside of the door on the floor.
I awake to the sound of my front door closing. I hop up and then I run throughout the apartment to make sure that Gavin is really gone. The process is completed in a few minutes so afterwards, I hurry and lock all three locks on my front door. I then make sure that the patio doors are locked as well. I feel really silly trying to protect myself from someone that I once thought was a gentle giant.
Once in my bedroom, I am able to take care of my aching muscles and splitting headache. I log onto my iPad to do research on the ‘morning after’ pill. The last thing that I need is for a baby to be conceived from the madness that just occurred in the last twenty four hours.
I get dressed, find an open pharmacy, and with my keys in hand I enter into the garage. At the shuffle and the sound of the ignition, I obviously alerted Gavin. He then starts to knock on the garage door and call out my name. I am beyond terrified, as I run back into the house.
I stand in the hallway and watch the front door, as the man that I love rings the doorbell back to back for over an hour. I hear signs of him forcing his way inside but I feel like I have to see it with my own two eyes. My feet are glued to the floor, as my tears begin to flow freely.
I can’t understand how so many good things have suddenly turned into so much pain, in the blink of an eye. Gavin has lied to the moon and back, yet he is upset with me because I am angry with him. In what twisted and distorted world does he live in? And then he has the nerve to think that his behavior is okay and even worthy of forgiveness.
After the ringing finally stops, I tip toe into my bedroom. It is easy for me to see that his truck is no longer in the driveway. But I am too scared to attempt to go anywhere. If I go to Jai’s, he will surely come there, so I’m not about to bring my drama to her doorstep. I have been grown enough to deal with a shark, therefore I have to be grown enough to fix my own mess.
I decide that I need to seriously get some rest, just in order to be able to put up a fight for whatever other crazy stunts that he has up his sleeves next. I know that if he does make it back to the house, he won’t be able to tell whether or not I’m still inside the apartment. I turn the ringer off on every phone that I have. That thought seems to relax me more.
The same lights that were on when I arrived, stay on all night. I am terrified and there is no one to tell. I have invited this man into my life and into my home. My mind is wrapped up in the thought that I’m not completely grown, even though I act as a grown woman. If the violation of rape is my punishment for acting grown, then I have to take it like a woman.
I will do that but there is no way in hell that I’m going to allow Gavin back into my space. After sleeping for some time, I awake unsure of my surroundings. It isn’t long before the fear that I’d felt earlier returns.
I tiptoe into the kitchen. The seal hasn’t even been broken on the grape juice bottle, before someone starts pounding on the door and ringing the doorbell at the same time. As abruptly as it starts, it then stops. I am standing still in the kitchen, too scared to move a muscle, when I realize that Gavin is now sitting on my patio in a lawn chair.
I am barricaded inside of my own home in tears, without a clue about what to do. I get my juice and then head back to my bedroom. It seems as though Gavin is holding vigil, until I allow him the opportunity to talk to me. From what I could hear throughout the night, he slept on the patio.
At one point he was talking to himself. At another, he was calling my phones repeatedly. Then I assume that he’d worn himself out and then he fell out to sleep.
33
Sunday morning comes and I realize more than anything else in the world, that I need to go to church. I don’t hear any signs of Gavin being outside the apartment anymore.
There is no way in the hell that he is still out there this time of morning in Arizona’s bright sun’s heat!
I try to spy, without showing obvious signs that I’m peeking outside, just in case he is still lurking. Dressed in my Sunday best, I enter the garage and then lock myself in my car. When I lift the garage door, I realized that Gavin’s truck has me blocked me in. I quickly scramble to let the door down, before he has a chance to enter the garage. I can’t control the tears or screams, as I anticipate the door closing, before he can slide under it.
Why in the hell is he still here? Some kind of street hustler and father he is! He’s been hanging out here for days! He can’t be making money to support his half of a basketball team!
I call Jai and make up a great excuse for being missing in action over the weekend. Cramps and irritability aren’t stretches from the truth. She offers to bring me a plate and I have to firmly decline. Jai will have Gavin’s truck keyed up and sitting on cinder blocks in my driveway.
He will definitely feel pocket hurt and be physically hurt behind Jai’s wrath. Nobody hurts her favorite cousin and best friend. I’m not even ready to advertise my fucked up decision to fall in love with a complete stranger.
Now that Gavin knows that I am indeed in the house, I don’t even worry about making noise to fix myself something solid to eat for the first time all weekend. I nap and watched TV off and on all day. I am happy for the chance to rest but very upset for the reason behind it.
Later on in the evening, just as the sun is setting I hear a piece of paper being stuffed under the front door. There is only a corner that fits comfortably into the tight wedge but I can see that Gavin had written me a note.
‘I’M GOING TO BACK OFF AND GIVE YOU SOME SPACE. I LOVE YOU KAMILLE.’
You are going to give me some space after stalking me all weekend? Intimidating me and keeping me from living my life, not to mention the fact that you raped me- but you are going to give me some space, like I�
��ve done something to you?
Even though the anger makes my blood boil, I finally feel as if I can feel safe again. I shower for the first time ever in my apartment with a locked bathroom door. Once I go to bed, I sleep hard and deep.
Eager to see another person that I don’t have to talk to about my personal life, I almost get a speeding ticket going in to work. Taniha notices that I am more professional and less playful, choosing the awesome choice of leaving me alone.
Her desire to leave me be only lasts for the first couple hours of the workday. By ten thirty she has plenty of reasons to talk about my personal business. From the man on the bottom, Cease to the man on the top, Stymy- one by one they each bring two dozen roses into the clinic. Hand delivered to the counter space before my desk.
The roses are some of the best looking arrangements that I’ve ever seen. They are all in different colors . . . Shades that I didn’t even know roses bloomed in. None of the cards are signed but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know who they are from.
They all have the little card with a man’s head sticking out of a dog house. By the sixth dozen, I am smiling on the inside but he isn’t forgiven that easily. Even though I keep my face hard and stern for his workers to report back to him, I am softening up.
By four there were thirty dozen of roses scattered all over the front desk area. When Stymy walks in with what I know will be the last two, he has a message from Gavin.
“Just text him, you don’t have to talk to him- just text him and let him know you are ok physically.”
I can’t give him a response without Taniha eavesdropping. I shake my head no at Gavin’s left hand man. Stymy walks out with his head low, defeated.
I am overwhelmed and a little embarrassed. Doc and every patient with an appointment now knows that Ms. Foster has a suitor that has messed up big time. And he knows that he needs to make up big time.
Doc had even asks, “What the hell did he do to pull all this out of his magic hat?”
I have never lied to Doc about anything other than my age and I wasn’t intending to start that day.
The only answer I can give is: “He was being a man, that’s all.”
“Well Kamille, I hope all is forgiven now. I’m a man and the Virgin Mary knows I have messed up big time in all of my marriages. But even I have never sent a woman thirty dozen of roses. I’ve never passed out a total of thirty roses in my life, so you do the math. Lighten up on the man, Dear. His pockets have taken a hit with this purchase, believe me.”
I give Doc a toothless smile. Gavin’s pockets haven’t taken a hit at all. I know the truth. He has money to throw away and I am now very aware of that. Going through the trouble of setting the entire scene up and then pulling the guys out of ‘the office’ is probably the biggest obstacle that he’s had to overcome on a Monday.
Looking at the clock, I am relieved that I have to put on airs for only fifteen more minutes. Anyone who feels like they need a dozen gets one on the way out. I try to spread them out, as much as I can throughout the office: front and back.
But even then, I still have too many to try and take home with me. So I leave them as is. I don’t need another reminder of the mess that Gavin has made of our relationship and what I thought was love in my home.
34
Coming out of the office, I can clearly see Gavin’s truck parked beside my car. There was a time when seeing him made me smile, not frown in fear. The closer that I get, he gets out of the truck. At the same time, all four doors are open. Pretty soon there are four little Gavin twins and a cute little girl that has to be his daughter. I am speechless.
“I know that you are upset with me but I had to see you. I also knew that a woman like you won’t diss me in front of my kids. So, kids this is Ms. Kamille and she is your daddy’s girlfriend. One day she will be your step-mother. She’s a very special lady to me, so I want you guys to treat her special as well.”
I am frozen in place. A little while ago, he said that it wasn’t time for me to meet his daughter but now here he is introducing me to the entire crew.
“Hi kids.” They are all so cute.
I receive five small hellos in return. It is hard not to smile at them, even though I want to choke their dad.
“Ya’ll can get back in the truck now. Give me and Ms. Kamille a minute to talk. Then we will be headed to the mall.”
The kids are mild mannered, I can tell. Whomever Tiffani is, she is doing a good job raising her kids. Gavin should be there helping her, I decide in my head and heart.
“I know that you don’t want to see me or talk to me right now. Stymy told me what you said. But, just because things aren’t the best between us, I know we will work this out.”
As he talks, he opens the glass top to the back of the truck.
He pulls out another designer duffle tote that I’ve never seen before.
“Open your trunk.”
“Open my trunk for what?”
“Kamille, it’s hot out here. Come on.”
I press the button on my key chain to pop the trunk.
“You really do need to start driving the other car, even if it’s only during the week. I know you don’t understand this life but you need to switch up your routines. You will be a lot safer that way.”
“I don’t want to talk about cars right now, just like you said- it’s hot out here. I don’t have time for this!”
I make a move towards the driver’s door.
“I will let you go then. Here is everything that you need to get the house. Remember no less than five bedrooms. And of course as you can see, we need a nice backyard.”
He points to the truck.
“Are you smoking that synthetic marijuana? You have to be on some premium shit if you think that I’m still going to be in a relationship with someone who raped me. You had me scared to look out the windows of my home, you stalker!
You can’t just throw money at me like everything is all good! I told you I’m not like them other females- I don’t care how much love you have for me or vice versa, Kam and Gavin are a rap!”
“Nah, the only thing that I smoke is Newport’s. But we’re not breaking up Kamille. This is just a rough patch but we will get past it and a home is what we will need. You can live in it alone, until you feel safe with me again.”
“We’re not breaking up…..what? Son, we are already broken up. You can pick up that car and go on about your business.”
The arrogant man that I love, pays me no attention at all, as he continues to load my trunk.
“The first time that I fall in love and it’s with a fucking lunatic. You are a real piece of work.”
“I hope you are going home because there is over two mil in that duffle bag, just so you know. There are income tax papers for the last three years and there is money sitting in an escrow account. Those statements are there as well. You have everything you need for Kamille to have a good future in this envelope and trunk.”
Gavin leans in and kisses me on the cheek before I have a chance to object. Then without another word, he politely jumps into the truck, and drive off. My emotions are all over the place. I finally understand why they call him Pain. There is an ache in my chest, that I feel will always be there when it comes to him. He is the big man on top and what he wants is what he gets.
I close my eyes and attempt to get my nerves together. I have more money than I can count in the trunk of my Altima. Now that he has handed over so much cash to me as if it is nothing, I understand why Tiffani still wants for him to be in her life.
The chances of finding another man like him are small. He’s told bold lies but at the end of the day I know in my heart that he is a good man. A good man that has me in tears, not weeping either- I am in the ugly cry mode.
I know he is desperate to remind me of the magic that we make when we are skin to skin. Should he have stopped when I told him no, yes he should have. I’m not going to file charges against him, so neither one of us are any better th
an the other. I know that all men lie at some point.
I also already knew the signs of him being a street dude, even before he ever even came clean. I chose to ignore what was right in front of my face. I got comfortable with not having to worry about making rent or my car note payments from month to month.
There are too many perks on the plus side that make the negative side seem trivial. My heart is made up but my head isn’t in agreement. No matter where my mind settles, the tears just keep on falling. I am more than heartbroken, my heart is completely shattered.
35
It’s the last week of school and the only thing that I have to do with my God kids is get them home safely from after school care. Chopping it up with the kids makes me feel better. I all but forget all about my troubles. Jai calls and asks if I can feed them too because she is going to have to stay later at work to fix an issue.
I don’t totally believe her words but she is my girl, so I don’t say no. Joi and I run up to the local Wal-Mart to pick up a few things that I know how to prepare very well and that the kids will like.
I pick out a rotisserie chicken and a few big potatoes, deciding to make BBQ chicken loaded potatoes. I also pick up a few things that I need at the house. For the first time in years, I am spending cash money at the register and not swiping NaNa’s EBT card.
After the kids have been fed and Jai’s kitchen has been cleaned, I leave. There is no telling when Jai will be home but the kids are used to setting the alarm on the house. Their home is also in a good area, so none of us are worried about them being left alone while in the care of their seventeen year old brother.
Driving out the subdivision, I notice a nice home with a for sale sign posted in the front yard. From the dark of night, I can tell that the home is a two-story and it is in the burgundy type brick that I love. I can’t really understand how I’ve never noticed this house before. I jot the number of the realtor down to schedule a walk thru.
