by Zi'ere
“At the altar is a good place for him because you are telling no lies, Mama!”
“Do you want me to sit with you while you eat?”
“Yes, Ma’am- That would be nice.”
“Good! Then pass me my coffee cup off of that tray.
I giggle.
“It pains my heart that you have no family besides Jai and that loud lil girl to serve as your family at a time like this.”
With no notice, I begin to cry.
“But what you do have is me, Jai, your god babies, your co-workers, Doc, and we sure can’t forget that loud lil girl. I’ve always wanted a daughter, you know.”
“God took her from me, she was still born. I was devastated. But I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never said before. Had I had my child, I’m sure that she would look something like you.”
“Your husband was a white man?”
“Yes he was. He was the most thoughtful man and the best father that a woman could only wish for.”
“That’s so sweet.”
“I’m telling you, Gavin has one more time to mess up before I introduce you to one of my sons!”
“Please . . . Don’t say that too loud!”
“Who is supposed to be scared of his frail behind? I’m not! He needs to gain his weight back before he steps to me. And even then, I will lay his ass out.”
And just like that, the tears are gone.
62
In all of the window watching that I have done all day, I haven’t seen Gavin not once. At four on the dot, Jai and her daughter Essence, NaNa, Emma, Joi, and Ms. Helen all burst into my bedroom carrying dresses and all kinds of bags. An Asian makeup artist and my new cosmetologist enter as well.
The pampering of the bride now begins. I am told that the wedding will start in two hours. And true to their word. I am walking down the steps and holding Doug’s hand. My bridesmaids hold my train behind me.
I am in a form fitting mermaid gown that has a six foot train made of ivory roses. It is made in a shimmery material that compliments the color of the gown, which has a sweetheart neckline.
A medium-sized triangle diamond on a small silver chain is my something new. Sanye has delivered it on Gavin’s behalf. My something borrowed is a diamond tennis bracelet that Emma says her mother wore on her wedding day. My something blue is a baby blue garter with one half of a best friend charm sewn into it.
The bridal party walks down the manmade aisle to Blu Cantrell’s Risk It All song, which I think is a damn good stand-in. When the door opens for me to take my walk solo, the cords to the classic Right and A Wrong Way begins to play. There is no mistaking that the one and only, Keith Sweat is standing with a cordless microphone, as his backup singers sing behind him.
I am young. For Gavin . . . Yes I am ready. I walk and pray that I won’t have to go through the wrong ways that love can turn. The man has a fighter. Yet, I’m not going to fight if he isn’t going to try. I need for him to do his part. I take Keith’s words to mean what he is feeling in his heart.
We, the new Mr. and Mrs. Gavin and Kamille Brown have a beautiful wedding ceremony. It is everything that a girl dreams of. Delicious food, constant flowing drinks, a slamming DJ, and unconditional love between the bride and groom.
At midnight our backyard is still full of family and friends continuing on with the party, when Gavin grabs my hand and escorts me upstairs. One thing that I take notice and offense to is that Broderick has steered clear of me all day long. I know he isn’t still bitter about me shooting out his tires because they have already been replaced with a brand new set. Some that he’d been wanting to get, but just never had the time to do so.
I received several congratulations from the squad that I knew were genuine. I even got some that were full of shade, but I got nothing from him or his lady. Broderick or Sanye haven’t said one word to me all day and my feelings are hurt. The thing that is the hardest to deal with when it comes to my emotions, is that I don’t even know why I am hurt.
In such a short time, I have to learn to take everything at face value. Everything that is seen is not always the case. People go out of their way to make others believe a lie. Considering all that we have been through, I take offense to it.
Gavin doesn’t seem to notice, so I decide to leave it alone. I have conquered the one thing that my biggest naysayers couldn’t. Tiffani has tried for over fifteen years to conquer and Neka is still wishing upon a fallen star but I have made Gavin Brown, Sr. a husband.
For the newly married Browns, we have a honeymoon in Rio De Jinero, Brazil. Beautiful people on even more beautiful beaches are an awesome way to start a lifetime journey. The only thing I can do without are the constant calls from Tiffani.
On the way to the airport, there are calls that Pain chooses to answer. After the first time, I hear his response to all of the hollering that she is doing on the phone, I know that she is hot as fish grease.
“I’m sorry that you feel like that Tip, I really am. But…I really am a married man now.”
More screams.
“It’s too late for you to do anything. The papers have been signed and the preacher has spoken. It’s already done.”
He hangs up on her.
If there is anything that I want to say, I can’t say it. I look at my husband’s face and he looks really stressed out. In reality, I should be too but just like he said, it is already done. The joy that I felt the day before, now has a black cloud hanging over it. I doubt every word that he has spoken, when he recited his vows.
“Is everything okay, Babe?”
“Yeah, everything is all good. People just didn’t expect for me to mean what I have been saying.”
The first night in the suite is spent watching Gavin as he sleeps. We have not even made love once since we checked into our villa. Sure we’ve exchanged juices on our wedding night but that was the direct result of too much Ace and too many Patron shots. I want to make love that I can remember for the rest of my life, along with our precious wedding memories.
Instead I am watching a Law and Order SVU marathon and my husband is sleeping, as if he’s been slanging all night. Putting a pillow over his face and sitting on it until he stops breathing crosses my mind. I realized in this moment that I am in the worst kind of love that there is to experience….Ride or die.
I am ready to fight and post up over my husband, all the while wanting to kill him for all of his wrong doings. I begin to wonder just how much pain that he can give me before I’ve had enough.
Could I do twenty five years of marriage to a ladies man?
My head says ‘hell naw’, my heart says ‘I love this pain’.
The next morning my Gavin is present and accounted for. He is smiling and ready to enjoy a foreign destination with his partner for life. For an entire week with two weekends attached, we have lazy days that are full of marathon love making. Other days, we are all over the city experiencing the food, drinks, and the beaches.
“Your bikini game is sick and I don’t know how to feel about the shit.”
This is what he tells me, when I slip into a navy blue and gold MK suit.
It leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination for the onlookers at the beach. That is the main reason that I chose it. It is the perfect match of the tables turning for my husband to see that men of all races and pocket sizes are checking out his wife. I have no intention to turn into a nun, just because I am married.
I know that I need to keep everything tight and right to keep my man . . . My man. Allowing him to cover my body in sun tan lotion is like Christmas morning for him. Slapping me on the ass and squeezing my thighs gets big Gavin’s attention very easily.
But then again, so do the island beauties walking on the beach, wearing only a thong as the second piece of their swimsuit. The sight makes my head hurt. I am no hater but I don’t believe that it takes all of that. Good thing that I have a fruity alcoholic drink to keep me calm. I throw my husband his shades.
“Y
ou is a disrespectful ass mufu!”
“See, you’re thinking wrong! I’m tryna figure out which line on her ass that I’m gone write her a note for her to go back in the house! Don’t nobody wanna see all of them damn stretch marks!”
Back in the states, we pick up our normal routines and live our lives. Making love like rabbits and enjoying our closed off space from the rest of the world suited us just fine. I am still solely caring for my man as he progresses week by week, which then turns into months. He’s been working so hard in physical therapy but he still can’t drive himself anywhere.
In a matter of months, I have changed the house phone number six times. Changing cell phones is still a part of life but I can’t understand how it is that my phone is now receiving calls from blocked numbers, hang ups, and random texts.
Please know that doesn’t stop him from running the streets whenever he wants to, as if nothing is even wrong with him.
63
I take off a half day to be the one to get him out of the house on a Friday. I knew that he will be about his paper this morning, leaving his afternoon free. I am hoping that we can have lunch at a nice restaurant or take a long drive to shop as our plan.
When I make it to the house, I search high and low but Gavin is gone. I decide to clean up an already clean home until he returns. After I complete a few loads of laundry, he’s still out, so I decide to call him. Imagine my surprise when he says that he is at Tiffani’s house watching the kids, while she is out running errands.
Listening to him give me a speech about not knowing when she is coming back because he told her to take her time. Then right after, he goes on and on about how much he’s been missing the kids. Not to mention, every other line that he throws in to make his actions seem okay. This only pisses me off more.
“Why don’t you bring the kids here and then we can all do something together?”
My move on the Brown’s chess board.
“My boy dropped me off. And by the time that I call him to come back, Tip will be back by then.”
He lies with no problem and doesn’t think twice about it.
My intuition has flashing blue lights like a police cruiser. It doesn’t matter if he is foul or if his baby mama is in violation. Something in the buttermilk simply isn’t clean.
“Okay, well I will be here when you make it home.”
Those are my words, which only mask my true emotions concerning the whole situation.
He even says that he loves me before he hangs up- dead ass give away.
“Love you too,” is my response before I end the call.
I grab my purse and keys. I’ve been having meals alone for a long time. Just because I have a man now, it doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy my own company. My feelings are bruised and I need comfort food. Five Guys is the culprit.
I order my meal, via the restaurants app. A quick run in, plus a drive-thru at Krispy Kreme is the perfect prescription. I rearrange the items in my purse, so that I can conceal my lunch goodies in my bag, as I walk into the movie theater. Some things in my life won’t ever change, no matter how much money that I have. I’m not about to spend five dollars on candy, no matter what.
During my second movie, my girls have me on a group chat texting marathon. We make plans to get out the following night. Gavin will have to turn water into wine to stop me from stepping out solo.
“I ain’t saying you can’t go out, you ain’t completely grown yet but you are married.”
The look that I shoot him can electrocute his ass where he stands.
“What I’m saying is, why in the hell do you have to be in that tight ass dress?”
Gavin is standing in my closet in a fit of rage.
I start to smile.
“Oh, so I’m telling you jokes now? What in the hell are you smiling for?”
“Because I can’t believe that you are standing in my closet acting brand new with me! You are the one that bought this damn dress, did you forget that? Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit!”
Deep down on the inside of my soul, I am having a good, healthy, hearty laugh and I am enjoying every minute of it, even though I have a look of exhaustion on my face.
“Don’t get fresh with me, Kam! Wearing it with me is one thing. You’re tryna start sum shit tonight though.”
He runs the palm of his hand over the waves in this head.
“Damn, you act like I’m thick as all outdoors! I ain’t that damn big to begin with!
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you! It will be so much easier for you to find something more loose-fitting, since you are so damn small!”
“Look, I’m trying to get out of the door! The dress is called a bandage dress for a reason! It’s supposed to fit tight, just like a damn bandage!”
“Why you can’t dress like you do when you are going to work?”
I start laughing. This only infuriates him even more.
“Oh, so you still think that this shit is funny?”
“I damn sure do! You come up here and get fresh to fucking death and I don’t say shit to you about what you’ve got on, nor what cologne that you spray! Go and find you something to watch on TV!”
I sit down on the chaise to strap my sexy heels around my ankles.
“I ain’t seen you get this fly in a long ass time!”
“That might be because you don’t take your wife anywhere anymore! Give me a date and you best believe that I will jump sharper than a stick of wood!”
“Where are you going, Kam?”
Pain is a very unhappy husband.
“When you leave here, do I ask you where you are going?”
“Why does this shit have to be tit for tat? Stop answering my questions with questions because it’s getting on my nerves.”
“Well, all I can tell you is that I really don’t know where I’m going. I’m going out with my girls for dinner and I don’t know what after that. I will see you when I get back, Boo.”
I then grab my clutch bag.
Instead of me leaning in to give him a proper kiss, I blow him one just like he has been doing me lately.
“Don’t stay up too late, Kid!”
He needs to know how it feels. Men only understand pain, so that is how a woman can get act right. Pain is long overdue to feel my pain.
64
My girls have been there for me through thick and thin, holding me down since I was knee high to a grasshopper. It is my time to treat them for a change. NaNa won’t need to get us the hook up at Applebee’s because I am now in a situation where I can treat her.
I’ve sent them beautiful, sexy, and in season party dresses to their homes. I have taken the time to pick every piece of jewelry, along with the heels to take over the game. After we have dinner at Benihana’s, then we are heading to the hottest club in the city to slay, until it is a new day.
When I make it to the foyer, an ivory Bentley is just pulling up. I intend to be totally inebriated tonight. I have no time for a DUI. I smile and wave at Pain, as he stands in the doorway to our home with a big frown on his face.
There is a short ride to the front of the subdivision to pick up my girls from Jai’s house. With them sitting beside me, I feel just like a Power Ranger.
“She’s got on that Freakum dress . . . Pain must be acting a fool! NaNa comes at me first.
“I will stop you when you start lying.”
“These men today, I’m not saying that Ryan was perfect but to straight up disrespect- The man wasn’t bout that life.”
“The worst part about the situation is that because I am the age that I am and he is my first love, he thinks that I don’t know what foolishness looks like!”
“Well, I know that you are frustrated Kam but there is a price to pay for everything.”
Jai is full of knowledge.
“Yeah but these costs are about to bankrupt me.”
I don’t want to cry and mess up my makeup but Pain really has me in my feelings.
�
��I told you that your life was going to change messing around with a man like Pain,” NaNa adds.
“I remember you saying that and at the time all that I could think about was not having to worry about paying my rent. Or making sure that the cable bill was paid, so that I could have Lifetime.”
“No Baby, those are the benefits. You pay your dues by swatting the hoes away from your man. Just because his pockets are deep, they flock. Women will always fly around your man, your home, and you until they can take over.”
“She’s right Kam,” Jai admits.
“So what ya’lls grown asses are telling me is that I need to be prepared for my man to cheat. I should expect for him to cheat. AND that I shouldn’t take it so hard when he does cheat?”
“Yup!” They both agree at the same time.
“So all men cheat?”
“I don’t know if all men cheat or not but what I do know is that I expected for some random to knock on your door. I didn’t know that it was going to be Neka, trying to violate on the first green light but I expected it.”
“NaNa, for real?”
“Girl if Halle Berry can’t keep a man faithful then nothing surprises me. Ya’ll both are the same complexion and you’ve got the long flowing hair. You are just as beautiful as she is . . . None of us are exempt from the pain that comes with being in love with a powerful and paid man. A cheater’s heart has to be strong or it will break you.”
The ladies continue to small talk as we travel into the city headed towards the restaurant. My mind has a million and ten things going through it at this moment. I could give two shits about the type of man that I’ve fallen in love with. I expect for his ass to be faithful . . . That is the only way that Kamille is going to live.
Inside of the restaurant we are seated at a table, calling on all of the attention from women and men alike. Drinks and appetizers are ordered and I start the conversation up once again. Their words are not sitting well on my heart.
