by Zi'ere
I am his only motivation and we both need to be healed. Every night that I settle down in my room, I close my eyes, excited for what the next day will hold. Engrossed in simple conversation, the hotel phone starts to ring.
I go back into the bathroom, as he answers the phone. The room is in his name, therefore I have no reason to answer. Imagine my surprise when the conversation gets gutta and colorful.
“MUTHAFUCKA, YOU AND THOSE BIRDS RODE EIGHT HOURS TO GET HERE . . . JUST TO DIE! I HAVE GIVEN YOUR ASS ALL OF THE CHANCES THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET OUT OF ME! I’M TIRED OF YOUR ASS GETTING IN YOUR FEELINGS, LIKE A FEMALE!”
He then slams the phone down on its base.
“Who was that?”
“Nobody that you need to be concerned with. All I’m gone say is, that you might be a widow before you get to be a divorcee!”
I watch the man angry walk out the room.
“Pain is here?”
I watched Stymy, not Broderick- load two guns and drop extra clips in his pockets. I know that even though I have only seen him on the plane, he has not come to Hawaii alone. Blood is about to be shed and there is nothing that I can do to stop it, even if I wanted to. The only problem is that I still have love for Pain, as a man who has lost his way in spite of it all.
He had tripped me into falling in love with him and caught me with all of his lies. It seems like I will always love my first love. He’s disrespected me to hell and back and I want for him to feel pain for that. He crossed his homie and that has nothing to do with me. Now, for the first time since I’ve met Pain, I have a choice.
I’m not really sure about just how much love that I still have for Pain. Just like he has given me the ‘clap’, he could have easily given me HIV instead. He’s been reckless with my life, when all I ever did was try to keep his clean.
“I need to know when the smoke settles, whether or not I need to come back for you or if I need to keep on about my business.”
“Please don’t put something so heavy on my conscious. After everything that has been done, I can’t turn my back on the man that loved me, in spite of my situations! That has to count for something right?”
“I need an answer Kam!” He stares at me, as if he is seeing straight through me.
“I can’t live my life without love anymore. Everything that I thought that it would be and how much it has changed my life, I have to stay true. Please……..”
77
“All I’ma say is, you might be a widow before you get to be a divorcee!”
I watched the man angry walk out of my room.
“Pain is here?
I am on his heels, while he pretends not to hear me.
I stand by and watch Stymy, not Broderick- load two guns and drop loaded extra clips into his pockets. I now know that even though I saw only him on the plane, he has not come to Hawaii alone. Blood is about to be shed and there is nothing that I can do to stop it, not even if I wanted to.
The only problem I have is that I still have love for Pain as a man who has lost his way. Even in spite of all the so-called good that he did in my life. He tricked me into falling in love with him and caught me in his trap with lies and deceit.
It seems like I will always love my true first love, no matter how unhealthy that he was for me. He’s disrespected me to hell and back and I want for him to feel pain for that . . . But not with more violence in his life. Almost losing his life once didn’t slow him down at all. In my eyes, it only made him worse if anything.
I can’t get the process out of my head, that if he hadn’t gotten shot, my heart wouldn’t be broken in half. He’s made more enemies than friends. As a woman, I can’t do anything for him. He has crossed his homie for the last time and that has nothing to do with me. Now for the first time since I have met Pain, I have a choice in what my life will be in the future.
I’m not sure how much love I still have for him, or if I’m just in love with the safety that he started to give me. Just like he has given me the ‘clap’, he could have easily given me HIV. He is reckless with my life, when all I ever do is try to keep his life neat.
“I need to know if when the smoke settles, whether or not I need to come back for you or if I need to keep going on about my business.”
“Please don’t put something so heavy on my conscience. After everything that has been done, I can’t turn my back on the man that loved me in spite of my situations! That has to count for something right?”
“I need an answer Kam!”
He stares at me, as if he is seeing through me.
“I can’t live my life without love anymore. I wasn’t prepared when it came in a box of fire. Everything that I thought it would be and how much it has changed my life, I have to stay true to the love and the pain that goes along with it. Please……..”
78
“Please don’t kill him, Broderick. I can’t give you the okay to take his life. I know I can never be with him again. I won’t ever be with him again. But I can’t know you are going to end his life, without feeling sympathy for his children. His five children are the only thing that I’m thinking of right now.
He is a fucked up husband but he’s a good dad. I know you’re a grown man, do what you want. But if you care for me at all, don’t do this…..for me.”
I try to talk Stymy down, even though I now see fire in his eyes.
I am talking to the boss, Stymy. Broderick left the minute that he found out Pain was in Hawaii with Sanye, Tiffani, and Neka. I can’t understand the dynamics of that trio, especially since the information came so fast. It also punched me in the gut, without me even knowing that I needed to protect myself.
Each of the three females are spreading it wide for the same man and now I know that two of them are spreading it for each other, as well. I gag. I can picture a team of busted ole birds in fake designer labels, thinking they are still what is popping in the street. More like three Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Hoes.
Pain is my husband . . . Or rather he was my husband. Yet he chose to step outside of our marriage for women who would never have a one up on me. There is definitely going to be a gift from me to him for that. Those women, I have a special pie for each of them and they don’t even know it.
Stymy snatches me out my thoughts.
“Shit’s not so clean cut, Kam! Not in the streets…”
“What streets are you talking about? You are in Hawaii! You are on a beautiful island with a woman you confess to love. You have gotten a commitment out of me to remain on your team. I choose you and our friendship as it stands right now…..I’m telling you that in the future, no man of mines is going to be in the streets. Are those streets what you’re talking about right now?”
I take a step back from him.
Before I am sure why, I’m holding the door open for him.
“If you’re still bout the streets, then please go on. Don’t worry about coming back because I won’t be here!”
I feel tears.
“Stop trying to be hard! No one is here but me and you. Tell me what’s up with us right now!”
He slams the door shut.
“Please let me out of this shit! I’m tired of it all, love is supposed to be unconditional! I know that there is a balance of give and take, yes there are going to be rainy days but it’s not supposed to decrease my worth! Every time I turn around, it’s some more bullshit!”
“Bullshit with him! Don’t put me in the same category!” He looks as if he’s offended.
I could give two shits about any man’s feelings right now.
“Whatever category you are in, I’m sick of men period! You are one of those right? Keep me out of this shit! I can’t love anyone more than I love myself. I’m done!”
“What do I need to do, Kam?”
“I think that you need to do whatever is best for you and the life that you want to lead. You are a grown ass man, do what you’ve gotta do!”
My patience is short.
“Broderick, I’
m sorry if you feel like I should hand my heart to you right now- in this very moment because I just can’t do that. After all that I’ve been through with Pain, I have to choose me. I have to get Kamille back. I mean you do what you have to do to stay safe but please don’t put this one on me.”
I can see the defeat in his face.
I see it but I damn sure don’t understand it. In the next second, there is a new expression for me to see on his face. Either way, I meant what I said. My heart still belongs to Pain honestly. Even though he hurt me in the worst ways, the love and hurt is a fresh gaping wound. I need some stitches in my heart.
I can be a woman and admit it. If Broderick is half the man that I thought he was the day before, he has no choice but to understand. In my mind he has no legitimate argument to be salty with me. I watch him walk off towards his bedroom. I have no idea what the crime rate in Hawaii is today. Whatever it is, the number is going to triple in a matter of hours.
Once he returns to the room, I walk to the door and hold it open for him again. He doesn’t move a muscle yet and I can see him fighting with his feelings. In the next second, he is looking at me for what can very well be the final time. He then pats himself up and down to make sure that he has what he needs to go to war.
Without words, I watch as the man I have grown to respect most walks out of the door and out of my life for good. I give the door all of my strength, as I slam it shut behind him. As much as these men have put me through in the last year, I feel as if I am lacking the emotions to take the situation seriously.
I can honestly say that I love Broderick. Of course the love is on two different levels but in truth, love is there. At the same time, I am feeling like they can kill each other today and my life will not change.
One thing Pain has taught me well is endurance. Wearing my heart on my sleeve can lead to me being bent over and penetrated . . . With no KY used. I am done with the life Pain that dragged me into before I knew what was happening.
He gave me no choice about whether or not I wanted to be in this lifestyle. The flashy, good looking men with long pockets and women flocking like buzzards, I never wanted that for my life. I hate him for putting me in the situation. I never wanted to be with a man that had more than one child by another woman.
Pain has five by one crazy and emotional hood mouse. He’s spent years with her but disrespected her in the ultimate way by marrying another woman. I feel like he should be shot for that shit alone. I can also see how some of my current problems are Kam’s fault as well.
Nobody needs to know about that because everything that I’ve gotten, I’ve paid for in one way or the other. In response to every foul thing that Pain has done to me, he deserves the electric chair in my opinion.
Pain and all of his whores deserve death. Had I been Tiff, I would have never settled to be good enough to have a family with and then turn around to be reduced to a side piece. Pain should have been beat with a bat for that, instead of her beating my car.
My eyebrow responds to my thoughts. I don’t even give a damn if Broderick kills them all like squirrels, running out in the street during traffic. They deserve everything coming to their way.
Surely my heart and life will be much better off without all of them disrespectful muthafuckas in it. The reality I am standing in now is that another man has told me to my face that he is in love with me but I’m all alone. His vengeance against Pain and Sanye means more to him than me. Damn, that is a big pill to swallow.
79
The quietness of the room takes over. After being surrounded by so many different people for the past year, here I am once again all by myself. These emotions alone give me grief. I refuse to show weakness, even though I am truly broken.
I realize that it is going to take twice as long to go back to the life that I had before, versus how long it took me to get used to living as a street boss’s wife. I lower my head and my hair free falls around my face. I’m sitting on the floor with my back against the door when I hear a strong knock.
There is no hesitation to dry my eyes and scramble to open the door at the same time. Seeing Pain standing in the hallway is not who I am expecting. My heart skips a few beats, as I look in the peep hole again. The man is clean.
The man is about to lose his life and all you can see is his handsome, fine ass. Shit! He does look good though.
I could have sworn that he was coming here to get gutta with his used to be homeboy. Instead, he looks as if he is ready for a fashion show. He is facing execution and isn’t even ready by the look of it. The chocolate, handsome, smooth, liar and cheater stands there casket sharp. I shake my head at his ability to be so damn smart but too damn stupid at the same time.
“What are you doing here?”
My voice is full of attitude, suspense, and impatience as I swing the door open.
“It’s funny how I was just about to ask you the same question, Kamille Brown?”
He tries to kiss me as he enters into the room.
“Eeww, get the fuck out my face! I don’t know where your lips have been!”
“Damn, you ackin’!”
He uses street slang.
“Are you high or do you think that I’m that little girl that you met in the club, still? My name is Kamille Foster boo and I swear to God that it’s that way for a reason!”
He doesn’t answer but he laughs, which pisses me off.
“I need for you to understand that a lot of shit has been funny but nothing is trying to be funny right now. You don’t need to be here. You have to go.”
“I’m not a punk, not even for your new man! He knows how I get down for real.”
I can only shake my head, so I do.
“So this light skinned G.I. Joe lookin mufu your man now?”
“Damn, that’s your partner who you grew up with…now you wanna chop him down at the knees? You don’t understand the concept of loyalty for nobody or nothing, huh?”
“Man, fuck all of that! What are you doing here with his ass is what I want to know? Explain that shit to me real fast. You are still my wife, you know!” He has his hands on his hips, as if he is giving me the business.
“If you want answers out of me, then you had best change your tone and choose your questions wisely! I can be a g and tell you right now that you are starting off all wrong!”
“Okay, okay….So you are sweet on his pretty ass.”
“Let me show you something.”
I start the journey to one end of the suite with Gavin on my heels.
Pain is taking notes on everything that he sees which is exactly what I want for him to do. I stop at the doorway to Stymy’s room. I see the cases that hold his guns and the ammunition boxes on his bed.
“This is where Stymy sleeps.”
I say before I head to the other end.
I am sure to give him enough time to notice that Broderick’s room has been lived in. His luggage is there, he has clothes hanging in the closet, and the covers are turned down on only one side of the king sized bed.
“This space right here….well this is where Kam sleeps.”
My ‘Vanna White’ showcase hands are the guides to the room.
Nothing in it suggests that neither Broderick nor I have shared the same space. Pain is smug and relieved, I can tell. His victory dance is to be cut short though. I am having serious issues with his life choices, where my heart is concerned.
There isn’t a better time than the present to put him in the interrogation hot seat. Not so smart Kam, who was in love with rose colored shades on is no more. I am thankful in a way, where he is concerned. In such a short amount of time Pain has taught me so much about the dos and don’ts, as far as love and relationships go.
Many women would have never allowed themselves to be in a fast lane relationship. To each her own and I stand on the stone that no one can judge me. Way back, once upon a time Pain was what I needed.
I don’t give two shits about who feels that our love wasn’t real just b
ecause it was rushed. My marriage has fallen but there are women who’ve never even had a ring or that monumental walk down the aisle but they still will be judging me.
I will teach them all: the Tiff’s, Neka’s, and Sanye’s of the world. Kam has a reason for every step that she takes. Young Kam isn’t so stupid, not to plan for the future. In her own lane, Kam has a fireworks show planned for them all. I smile to myself on the inside.
80
“You can have a seat back in the sitting room. I have some things that I need to show you.”
I watch as my Pain damn near skips out of the room.
He obviously thinks this is Christmas. I do have a few presents for him and I know he is not going to like not one of them. I reenter the sitting room dressed differently in jeans, sweatshirt, and tennis shoes. My hair is even tied up into a bun. My hands are full of the items that I need to present to Pain.
“What have you changed your clothes for?”
He has to be in the know about everything, except the right things.
I am sure that he sees the ‘fuck you questioning me for’ look in my eyes, as he sits back on the couch.
“I know that we started off hot and heavy. I blame myself for still being young, with milk on my tongue. Your desire to have me in your life right away, made you neglect to tell me some very important information. It also made you lie to me as well.
So right here, in this moment, I’m only going to ask you once: Is there something that I need to know?”
I stand before him sure footed, looking him square in the eyes.
“Shit . . . In general? No . . . But, be more specific.”
My hand is itching. I want to slap the shit out of him so bad.
“Specific, you want specifics? How about anything regarding Tiffani, Neka, Sanye, my home, money, or your job title? Shidddd, just pick one and entertain me.”
He sits up again and cups his chin with his palms. I am fucking up his line of thinking with my questions and I know it. He’s speechless. I am sure that he knows one topic is no better than the other. Everything is all bad for him at this point. It’s time that we both agreed on what is going on behind my back, for God only knows how long.
