by K E Osborn
“Annie, sweetheart can you hear me?” Mum asks, but I can’t open my eyes just yet.
I feel myself being lifted like I’m floating with tight arms around me.
“Take her to the green room, Caleb. Make her comfortable and I’ll get a medic,” I hear Mum say and I feel so heavy, but so light at the same time. My head is swirling and I feel like I want to be sick, but I still can’t open my eyes. I know I’m being lowered and then a soft plushness hits my back. I relax into the comforting object and then something cold is on my forehead again.
“What’s wrong with her, Caleb?” Ella asks.
“I think she’s had a bit of a panic attack. Don’t worry Ella, she’ll come back to us soon.”
The pain in my chest is ripping back through me tenfold. I feel the weight of the pain pinning me down and I start to gasp at the emotion flowing through me.
“Annie?” Ella asks, and I feel like I’m gradually leaving this fantasy realm, so I may as well go to my sister who seems desperate to talk to me.
I groan and move my hand to my chest where it’s hurting so much I feel breathless.
“C’mon Annie, open your eyes,” Caleb says and I scrunch them closed and then blink quickly a few times.
“Good girl Annie, come back to us,” Caleb says as he wipes the cold cloth over my forehead again.
“It hurts,” I murmur.
“What hurts, Annie?” Caleb asks.
“My chest,” I say and he frowns and nods his head.
“I know cuz. I know it hurts, but it’ll get better. I promise,” he says and leans in kissing my cheek.
I open my eyes fully and see Caleb and Ella sitting next to me as I lay on the sofa. I also notice some more people in the background, and then I get a tingle up my arm and it shoots all the way through my soul. I close my eyes knowing he’s near.
“Is she okay?” I hear Aston ask, but I keep my eyes shut, I can’t stand to look at him right now.
“She’ll be fine, mate. I think she needs to talk some things through with some people and then she’ll feel a whole lot better,” Caleb says and I have no idea who he wants me to talk to.
“This is completely my fault,” Aston tells them all, and I scrunch my eyes tighter and feel the tears starting to flow down my cheeks.
“I think this has been coming for a while, and somehow you’ve helped trigger it. We all just have to be here for her now, even though she will push us away,” Ella says as I hear Mum rushing down the hall talking to someone.
“Is she awake yet?” Mum asks and I find the strength to open my eyes again. When I do, Aston isn’t in sight, which relieves and kills me at the same time.
“She’s awake, just not fully alert,” Caleb replies and Mum kneels down beside me and takes my hand.
“Are you with me, sweetheart?” she whispers tucking some of my hair behind my ear.
I nod slightly and inhale sharply. “This nice medic is going to take a look at you, okay Annie?” Mum asks and I nod while he unwraps a blood pressure cuff and then wraps it around my arm. It pumps up and it’s so tight that it physically hurts, but only minutely compared to the amount of pain I feel in my chest. I zone out again and just let the man do his tests. I feel like I’m falling asleep, but I can still hear them all talking in hushed tones.
“I think it was a panic attack, but she’s exhausted. Her stress and anxiety levels peaked and it caused her to black out. She has very low blood pressure, and to be honest I think she should go to the hospital just for observation. We can maybe get a psych evaluation while she’s there,” he says and I black out again.
I wake up in a dark room and someone is holding my hand. Opening my eyes, I see Mum sitting by my bed with her head asleep on my legs. I know straight away that I’m in a hospital and I’d really rather not be here. I wonder briefly how long I’ve been here for and where everyone is?
I move slightly trying to get more comfortable and Mum wakes up. She slowly raises her head and then looks up at me. I can see she’s been crying which instantly breaks my heart.
“Annie?”
I nod and pull my hand out from under the covers to hers. “I’m sorry Mum, I never meant for this to happen.”
“I know sweetheart, I know. We just want you to be happy, that’s all any of us want,” she says and leans in kissing my forehead.
“Where is everyone?”
“Caleb is with Indi. Ella and Aston have gone to get some drinks, and your father texted me about twenty minutes ago. He’s finished the show and is on his way, so he should be here any second now.”
I tuned out after she said Aston’s name. I can’t believe he’s here. I don’t know how I feel about that.
“Where is she?” I hear Dad yell, and me and Mum both look toward the door to see Dad rush in like he’s a madman. He pauses when he sees me and then rushes to my bedside.
“Oh God Annie, are you okay? I was so worried when I got the text that something was really wrong. Fuck! I can’t believe I was playing on stage while you were in here and having a panic attack. Lia I—”
“I know Colt. She’s fine babe. Take a breath,” Mum says rubbing his arm as he leans in kissing me on the temple.
“Why did you freak out honey? Was the show too big for you?” he asks and briefly I’m relieved that no one has told him why.
I go to make something up when Ella and Aston walk in carrying coffee for everyone. My heart jumps into my throat at the devastated look on his face. Our eyes meet and my tears start straight away.
“Annie?” Mum says and then follows my line of sight toward Aston.
“We brought you some drinks,” Aston says swallowing hard as he looks at me. I shake my head and try to fight the overwhelming feeling that I need to scream. He hands a coffee to Dad and one to Mum as they all assess me, including Aston.
“Are you okay?” he asks looking right at me.
My stomach flips and my stupid hairs are standing on end, and all I want to do is yell and run as far away as I can get.
“I’m so worried, Annie,” he whispers taking a step closer to my bed. I put my hand up and he stops, while Dad looks at me in confusion.
“Do not come any closer,” I say and Dad looks at Aston and then back to me.
“What’s going on, Annie?” Dad asks standing up a little taller.
“I don’t want him here,” I whisper and Dad’s nostrils flare.
“What did you do?” he asks Aston, looking at him fiercely.
“I honestly don’t know, sir. I really don’t,” he says and I get angry.
“You know what you did. You lied to me, you fucking creep. Now get the hell out of here. I never want to see you again,” I yell and everyone backs up in shock.
“Annie c’mon. I’m sorry I said what I said. You obviously weren’t ready to hear it, and I won’t say it again if you don’t want me to. Just don’t make yourself sick over it baby, please,” he begs and I start to cry again.
“Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on? Aston, do I need to kick your arse?”
“No sir,” he says and I nod in disagreement.
“Well, Annie says so. So if I were you, I’d get the hell out of here before me or Annie do something we’ll regret.”
“Colt, stop it,” Mum says while she looks at Aston sympathetically.
“Aston just leave. You’re not my friend. You’re not my boyfriend, you are just someone I play with in a band. Don’t talk to me because then you can’t lie to me,” I say and everyone looks at me.
“Annie, I wasn’t lying… I love you—”
“Get out! Get out! I don’t need your bullshit. I don’t need you. Get out!” I yell.
Oh God, I need Aston, but I can’t be in a relationship with someone who treats me with such little respect. Lying is an immediate disqualification factor. You lie to me and we’re done.
“Right Aston, get out,” Dad says as I start to cry into my hands.
Mum moves in and comforts me while I rock back and fo
rth in the hospital bed.
“Annie, I swear, I love you, and I will make this up to you somehow,” Aston says sounding like he’s crying.
“Out!” Dad yells and I hear the footsteps of him leaving.
“He’s gone honey,” Mum whispers in my ear. “I haven’t told your father about what happened, and if you don’t want to tell him all the details I think that is a good option,” she says so quickly and softly, but I understand completely what she’s said. Don’t tell Dad about Aston and I having sex because that would kill Dad and probably Aston in the process.
“Annie, what’s going on? Is the pressure too much?” Dad asks and I shrug.
“I think the issue is stemming back to her birth parents, Colt,” Mum says and he furrows his brows and folds his arms over his chest.
“What about those fuckers?” he asks and I cuddle into Mum’s side.
“From what Annie has told me, she doesn’t feel like she should be loved or deserve to be loved because her birth parents abandoned her. When Aston told her that he loved her, Annie feels like he’s lying because she isn’t worthy of anyone’s love,” Mum says summing it up perfectly.
Dad exhales and shakes his head, running his hand through his hair. “Well, fuck Annie, I had no idea you were struggling with this shit. Why didn’t you talk to us?” he asks and I shrug. I don’t know why I’ve been bottling this up, but in a way even though everyone is looking at me like I might actually be going crazy, I feel lighter somehow. Now that everyone knows that I’m not worthy of love, it’s a relief for them not to have to pretend anymore.
Caleb walks in and I notice his little pixie friend comes in with him.
“Hey Annie, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” Indi asks and I can’t help but notice Caleb looking at her arse as she bends over to take my blood pressure.
“I’m okay, feeling a bit groggy and exhausted.”
“Yeah, that will be from the emotional trauma you went through with the panic attack. Plus, we gave you a mild sedative to help calm your nerves. Hopefully by tomorrow morning you should be feeling much better,” she says and continues her observations.
“So the thing I talked to you about?” Caleb asks and she nods and swallows hard.
“I have a mental health nurse come up to have a chat with you Annie—”
“But I don’t need—”
“You may not need to talk to anyone, but they might be able to help you control your anxiety levels. It will be a good time to talk to them, alone if you want to—”
“She can’t be alone, I will be here,” Dad interrupts and Indi chuckles.
“I’m sorry Mr. Slade, but if Annie wants to be on her own with the nurse then she should be. And in my honest opinion it will be the only way Annie will open up, and then maybe we can go about finding a way to help her with her increased anxiety. Wouldn’t you rather she be happy and healthy than you being in the room and her not being honest, Mr. Slade?” Indi asks.
Not many people are brave enough to stand up to my dad. I bite my lips together to try to stop from laughing. I look around the room and everyone else is doing the same, except for Dad who’s frowning and he simply grunts out his response.
“Good, I’m glad that’s settled. He should be down in a little while Annie, so until then is there anything you need? Can I get you something to eat?” she asks so kindly. I love her; she’s perfect for Caleb.
“No thank you, Pixie,” I say and she smirks.
“Don’t call her that, Annie,” Caleb says and Indi smacks him on the arm.
“Annie, I like my nickname. Call me Pixie whenever you want to, okay?” She looks back at Caleb and sticks her tongue out. He smirks and screws his face up.
“Careful or I’ll bite that tongue,” he whispers, but I lip read what he said.
I giggle and sink down in the bed getting comfortable for the night.
The mental health nurse came in and I let Mum stay in the room with me, but I didn’t want Dad in here. He was angry at first, then Mum calmed him down and he left the room. We talked about my birth parents and my insecurities. The nurse said it was normal to feel that way, but my reactions and thoughts were unfounded. He seems to think people can love me no matter my start in life, and for a split second I believed him.
But it all boils down to one thing, my parent’s didn’t want me, so how can anyone else? I can’t move past that fact.
He gave Mum the name and number of a shrink and said I should make an appointment to talk through my issues with a professional. Apparently, all my anger issues and my temper tantrums can all be traced back to my insecurities about my birth parents. He thinks with some counselling and some strategies to help with my moods, a shrink may help calm me down and make me see things a little clearer. His words not mine. To me, I am seeing the clearest I have since I started my relationship with Aston. I knew from the start he could never love me no matter how much I wanted him to. I can’t see how this scenario could play out any different?
The nurse leaves the room and I feel better for talking to someone about everything and it was nice having Mum here to help me explain the things I couldn’t.
“Are you feeling any better?” she asks.
I nod and lean back onto my raised bed. “Yeah, I’m sorry I worried you all like that. I didn’t mean to let my emotions get the better of me. I just felt so distraught when Aston lied to me. He broke my heart, Mum.”
“Annie, I know you have your mind made up about this, but you and Aston have a bond. I know you think he couldn’t possibly love you, but Annie I’m not going to sugar coat it, you’re wrong. I love you, so does your father and Ella, but sweetheart I can tell more than anything that Aston deeply loves you too—”
“Mum… just stop! I know you all want to believe that, but I just need time to adjust to this. If you’re worried about the band and the tour, we will be fine. I’ll just swap spots with Ella and she can stand next to Aston—”
“But Annie you and Aston are a team. You play better when you’re together, you lean on each other for support and I just don’t think you will enjoy music as much if you don’t share your passion with him.”
I know she’s right, Aston and I do play better when we draw energy from each other. The band could suffer from this. I hate the idea of that happening now that we’re getting known and just starting on a tour, but I can’t let my feelings for him cloud my judgment on this. Aston and I are done. Lying is a big no for me and even though I know he will try to reason with me, I will not falter.
“It doesn’t matter, the music will go on and the band will go on too. I’ll still play my heart out, but I’ll just have to lean on Caleb instead,” I say and Caleb, Dad and Ella all walk in.
“Lean on me for what?” Caleb asks as Mum shakes her head.
“For the band. Ella is it okay if we swap spots when we perform? I’ll stand on the side of Caleb and you can stand next to Aston?” I ask and she looks at Mum, who is still shaking her head.
“Um, I guess,” she answers and Caleb frowns.
“Annie are you going to be able to perform with him on stage with you, or do you need some time to sort your head out?” Caleb asks sounding cold.
“I don’t need to sort my head out, Caleb. I’m fine! I just don’t want to stand next to Aston anymore. Is that such a crime?”
“It’s a crime against music,” Ella says under her breath and I exhale.
“Well, if you guys… my family can’t support me, then I’ll leave the band if that’s what everyone wants?” I tell them through gritted teeth and everyone looks at me and furrows their brows.
“Annie, what are you even talking about? You’re jumping to conclusions,” Dad says and I fold my arms over my chest.
“Well then, why can’t you guys just accept a slight change in positioning? It’s not that hard you know, I’ll just be on the left instead of the right. I don’t see why this is a big deal?”
“Annie, don’t you think maybe you should talk to Aston in
stead of shutting him out?” Caleb says and I shake my head.
“No, he’s the reason all of this is happening. This isn’t my fault, it’s his,” I say and fold my arms across my chest. In my heart, I know that it’s not Aston’s fault. I’m the one with the issue, but I’m emotional and I don’t want to let on that I miss him already.
“Right, I don’t think this debate is going to go anywhere. I think for now Ella if you’re happy to stand next to Aston then that will settle everything until Annie can think properly,” Mum says and I nod my head.
“Okay,” Ella says and she looks like she’s going to cry.
“If you don’t want to Elle’s, it’s okay. I can figure out a way to stand next to him—”
“No, it’s okay it’s just…”
“What is it, Ella?” I ask and she exhales and sits on the end of my bed.
“I just hate seeing you like this. I’m so angry that your birth parents affect you like this, and I wish I could take the pain away for you. I wish I could calm you down and I wish I could make you see what you’re throwing away,” she says softly.
I sniff and swallow hard. I know what I’m throwing away. The last year with Aston has been perfect.
“It will all work out okay, Ella, I promise. I’m okay, I just didn’t handle this whole thing very well,” I say and everyone half-smiles at me.
“Well, I think we should start to get you ready to head home, yeah?” Dad asks and I nod.
“I’ll go ask Indi when we can leave,” Caleb says.
I just want my own bed, but because we’re on tour we’re staying in hotels. I’m sharing a room with Ella at the Hyatt, one of Grand Daddy’s hotels. Apparently it’s the one where Mum and Dad met.
“Annie, do you want me to stay with you tonight?” Mum asks and I shake my head.
“No, I’m okay now, plus Ella will be with me and you guys are right next door to us. It’ll be fine, but thanks though Mum.”
