by Selina Bodur
He placed an index finger on her lips.
“Save it! You’ll tell me when I get back. It’ll be a surprise!”
She hesitated.
“Well then, surprise. At least I’ll pick you up when you return,” she tried to smile, failing, not able to get of this gut-wrenching feeling.
“Okay! I’m going. The cab is here,” he kissed her forehead quickly and reluctantly released her, but she grabbed his forearm.
“I love you!” she was staring intently in his eyes.
He brightened up, rubbed her lips with his thumb and left.
But Tara didn’t have to take him from the airport, because he never made it.
Chapter six
Present days
Final crack and it was all done. Tara was on the ground, fingers buried in the moist soil, lungs heaving, heartbroken.
“You promised,” was like a moan “promised you’d be back!” The only thing they brought her back was his broken body, his possessions, the watch, which she gave him for their wedding with engraved “I will…Always” on the back. Months after the crash she had been waking up in the middle of the night, drenched in cold sweat, having flashbacks of that day.
Peter getting into the taxi; the look on her assistant’s face, pale, when she told her about the accident; the shock, the numbness; the hospital and the smell of it, Claire’s eyes, blurry with tears and pain; the truth, hitting her; the disbelief, the denial; his face, his once beautiful face crushed and bloody; the blood, the blood on her hands. The impossible had happened.
Flash! Flash! Flash!
She writhed in pain with every flash. So, that was the feel of dying slowly and in agony. It was over, he was gone and she was fatally wounded. She was fighting it for so long, the truth, the pain, life.
“You promised!” Tara cried. It was so hard for her to move on with her life, to wake up alone in the empty bed. She came here every year just to try to fight the nightmares of the last day, the last day of their fairytale. And finally she had, with the price of her broken heart. A small angry spark welled up in her chest, or maybe just a self-preservation instinct.
“You lied to me!” she slowly stood up, leaning on the tree in front of her, the same oak, where like centuries ago they’d danced, lost in their own cocoon of happiness. But the bubble had burst and Tara was left alone. Peter took with him everything – the joy, the laughter, her energy, her strength, her soul.
“You said it will never end, but where are you now? Why the hell you left me alone!” she exploded, “You’ve hurt me! Do you hear? It hurts so bad. Oh, God, please bring him back to me! Peter!” The sound of his name had an effect on an electric shock. “You’ve hurt me, Peter McClain, you hear!” The tears rolled down her cheeks like tiny blood streamlets.
“I’m so sorry, love!” the oak leaves were whispering. There was no other sound, but their song. Tara opened her eyes.
“Yes, you would say that. Love!” she paused, “I don’t know what to do, Peter. I want…. I want to hold you one more time so badly, to feel your heart beating, to breathe your scent. I want to tell you…” she stopped, “I don’t know how to let you go, I don’t want to, but I have to, because of him. It’s so hard, because every time I look at him I see you mirrored in his eyes, the same blue eyes, your eyes. I have to be there for him, to love him without feeling like someone is stabbing me, digging in my heart, bleeding it dry. And he is too mature and serious for his fragile age, sensing my grief, my sorrow. I wish you were here, Peter, to give me advice, to wipe my tears away and tell me that everything will be okay. You would be so good at it – being a parent, as good as being a lover, a husband, a friend. The best! I miss you!” she fell back breathlessly to the ground. She craved to double up and stayed there motionless till the Nature claimed her and transformed her into exquisite black rose. She felt the blackness, the void in her soul, could almost touch it, as it was permeated into every cell, defined her, and it had irrevocably changed her. Tara wanted to remove the somber veil of sadness, to be again, to feel and remember Peter, when he kissed her, smiling, when he loved her, not his broken body. She didn’t know how, but she had to try, because of their son – Thayer. Her breath had become shallow, the blood drained from her face.
“Mommy!” the sound came as if from far away, underwater. “Mommy!” - closer. Tara turned sharply, feeling a sudden surge of adrenalin. With open arms her three year old son was racing towards her, Peter’s son, Thayer. He stopped abruptly in front of her and looked her seriously in the eye.
“Mommy, why are you sad?”
“How?!” Claire stood not far away, smiling. “Oh, little bear, I…” Tara was on the edge, to the point of no return. She hugged tightly her wonderful child. He squeezed out of her embrace a minute later and looked at her again with those deep blue eyes, his father’s eyes. Thayer wiped a tear with his little fingers and said quietly:
“It will be okay, mommy!”
And there it was. The truth. Tara was looking at him as if seeing her son for the first time, her lips trembled and she simply gathered him in her arms, laughing through tears, surrendering.
“But you came back, don’t you, Peter!” Tara thought, squeezing her son. “You came back!”
Epilogue
She was finally at peace with herself. She could feel again, the numbness was gone and although the first emotions that rushed on to her were pure pain and agony, she was truly happy for a first time in years. Finally. She wasn’t fighting the truth anymore, the impossible, she accepted it. Because the two blue eyes in front of her were all she needed to go on. Life, Fate, Nature or even God, whatever the name, had presented her with pure and infinite love, had given her Peter and with him immense happiness. Then the same force had taken him from her, leaving her crippled for too long. Now she was staring at her son and finally realized that he was a gift too and that sometimes we lose something, someone, a piece of our souls, only to find that there is something even more beautiful and real, a new purpose to fight for.
And Peter…, she will…..always!
The End
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Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter one
Chapter two
Chapter three
Chapter four
Chapter five
Chapter six
Epilogue
