"I'll get to them. I promise."
The Commander left through the front door and Will went into the kitchen to face the music. Talitha was just putting her breakfast dishes in the sink when he walked in.
"Wow! Did dad see you like that?" She eyed him in disbelief. Will looked down at himself.
"Oh boy!" His shirt was inside out, his fly wasn't just open but looked to be yawning hugely, and his jeans were sticky and stained with what looked like jelly. Will sat down and put his head in his hands. He hadn't seen what he was expecting to see in Talitha's eyes, not yet, but he felt it coming. With a sigh, he looked up at his sister. Leaning against the sink, she was studying him but without reproach. She smiled a small commiserating smile at him, but he could see she had much to say. There was a long silence as the two siblings looked at each other.
Finally Talitha broke it, "So are the rumors true?"
"Rumors already! What rumors?"
"You are going to play it coyly, then. I'm referring to the rumor that you..." Talitha paused and looked through the open dining room door. She continued, but in hushed tones, "That you uh, had, uh, sexual intercourse with Amy."
Talitha looked very much out of her element with this conversation. "Would you believe me if I said no?" he asked.
She looked long at him before answering with a nod, "I might, but no one else would, not with Amy Harris crowing to the world how you..." She stopped and her cheeks turned pink.
"I don't want to know," he sighed and looked out of the window. The golf course looked green and inviting. He wanted to lie in the grass and go back to sleep. "And it doesn't matter now anyway. Let her say what she will. Lisa will never have me back after last night so the truth hardly matters."
"What is the truth?" Talitha had him focused with her high-powered perception, he felt like a bug under a microscope.
He thought for a moment before answering, "The truth is, I don't kiss and tell."
"Since when?"
"Since last night. I'm sorry to be abrupt, but I've got this list dad left for me." He was tired and even though the hangover had abated somewhat, he still felt sick. "Can I give you one piece of advice? Make Brian work hard for it. Demand that he make it perfect for you, and then..."
She was shocked at what he had said but also intensely curious. "And then what?"
He smiled and tapped her on the head. "Turn off your brain, don't try to analyze the situation, just enjoy it."
She blushed furiously. He had just walked past her to get started on the list, when she said, "Yes. Ok I will. It's like the Heisenberg principle, or as some refer to it as the Uncertainty Principle..."
"Talitha! My head can't take it this morning." He looked at her tiredly, his face drooping, "And it sounds like you may need to practice at turning off your brain, so go do that." She smiled at him and the blush in her cheeks made her prettier still.
6
Moving slowly to his bathroom to get ready for what he felt was going to be a long painful day, Will couldn't stop sighing. His first chore wasn't on the list but was very necessary. Gathering his courage, he went next door to talk to Amy. He felt the need to apologize for the way he had left her at the party and he wanted to ask her to stop spreading rumors, but no one answered the door. It wasn't much of a relief and he went back home and performed all of the chores in a listless manner, as if his arms and legs were weighted down.
Later, when he had completed his labors, he suppressed a great desire to hide in his room, and instead went out. He made his usual rounds. For the previous ten days, he had gone to every teen hangout on the island hoping to find Lisa. Will hadn't seen her a single time and this was no different.
Many of his friends wanted to talk with him but he wasn't in the mood and politely begged off. He wandered about and in desperation even went to the fire station and walked boldly in. However neither she nor the Coastie from the night before were there. Finally he went to their bench and watched the sunset alone and lonely. He tried to think about what he would say to her when he eventually found her, but nothing came to mind that would excuse his behavior.
Will pictured his end of the conversation: "I love you forever, but I just fooled around with this big slut, I hope you don't mind."
How do you say that but in such a way that Lisa would accept.
Impossible.
Still, he had to try. He knew only one thing for certain and that was he would be a man about it. No more running to his sister for advice or making pathetic excuses at his behavior. He had a man as a role model and he would do his best to live up to that standard.
A sound from behind him made him turn hopefully but it was another couple out for a stroll. They were young, perhaps mid-twenties and still in love, holding hands and whispering to each other with smiles in their voices. Enviously, he watched them but then noticed the moon peeking out from the Brooklyn skyline. The curve of it crested, barely visible behind the buildings across the river and the spying sensation from the night before came back to him. It was time to go home.
His family had already eaten dinner but there was no admonishment, only a warm hug from his mother. Exhausted and melancholy, he excused himself and went to bed.
When he woke the next morning his mood had improved slightly, but the morning got even better when he found out his mom had made French toast. It tasted better than the last time she had made it and he felt the dark cloud in his mind lift. He knew his mom had made the breakfast simply to make him happy and everyone was being especially cheerful. Even his father, who told a funny story that happened the day before. The admiral it seemed had done the entire inspection with his fly open and had been pleasantly surprised at how upbeat and happy all the men were.
The family laughed at the story and Katie immediately unzipped the fly on her pink jeans and started strutting around the table. Puffing out her tiny chest, she looked every one up and down.
"Those boat-cutters are too white! I want them painted orange and do it in a hurry," she demanded in her deepest voice, sounding more like Santa Claus than any admiral. They enjoyed her antics and she spent the rest of the morning with her fly open, striking poses to best show it off. Will felt happy for a change and wished in a good way that Lisa were there so she could laugh along with them.
The day was a relaxing one and Will refrained from going on his daily 'Lisa hunt.' He figured if it was meant to be, it would happen. However he did go to their bench at sunset. He watched the sun go down and felt at peace with himself for the first time in a long while.
The sun was a beautiful golden arc just above the horizon when Lisa came and stood next to the bench.
She was a wreck.
Her hair looked wild and tangled and she had long black streaks of old mascara running down both cheeks. Her clothes were filthy and ripped and she more resembled a bag lady, than the gorgeous girl from two nights before.
Her face was pinched in anger or resolution, but her eyes were still the magic green that he loved.
Nothing could change that. The last golden rays of the sun lit them up and he looked past any imperfections and saw only a beautiful girl. She spoke to him and her tone was harsh, angry, and full of self-pity; he missed that voice. No one else knew this about her, but she had a wonderful singing voice. It had been months into their relationship before she sang for him and he realized that he missed the sound of her voice, angry or not.
Her mouth moved and formed words with perfect lips. Her tongue would slip out frequently and lick them and he remembered their exquisite softness. She had a light spray of freckles on each cheek. She had hated these with the same passion that he had always loved them and in her excitement and the light of the setting sun, they stood out obviously and he knew that they would embarrass her, if she knew. He breathed her in with a great heavy sigh and listened for a long while without speaking.
"So there is a winner after all. Have you come to shake my hand, to tell me nice try? Is that why you're here?" Lisa turned away, looked at
the fading light, and clutched herself as if she were cold.
"Are you here to gloat? To make me feel small?" Turning from the last of the sun, she continued, "Well you can. I can't stop you. The Gods threw the dice and you came up the winner, didn't you? The judges decided and that's that, isn't it?"
She walked away from him then and strolled almost casually to the seawall thirty feet away. The sun had gone down and she was now just a silhouette against the rapidly darkening sky.
Will didn't move, he was afraid to. He felt that if he went to her now she would only run.
"But tell me," she called out softly from the new darkness. "Does she kiss like me? Does it..." her voice broke. "Does it feel the same?" He could hear her crying softly and shame made him cast his eyes down. "I'm sorry if this makes you feel bad, seeing me this way. I didn't..." She stopped speaking and her breath hitched in her chest like a little spasm.
Behind her, the waves gently broke against the seawall, but other than that, there was a silence around them. He could say nothing. It was almost as if he had been struck dumb. Moments later, when he looked back up, she stood over him. Will hadn't heard her at all. Like an apparition she had just appeared in front of him.
"When it was me in your arms," she said. "I thought I belonged there. Everything made sense as long as I pretended that you loved me. But you were only a spectator at a show, and it was only a matter of time before you...got up and left." Lisa seemed to be going back and forth between anger and resignation.
"I...I tried. I played all my cards but one, and now...and now...and now there's no ace left to play, is there?" She hauled her hand back and slapped him hard across the face. He had seen the blow coming but let if fall anyway and hoped she would hit him again, but she didn't.
Instead, she screamed into his face, "Is there! I was so stupid, playing by the rules!" She then unexpectedly straddled him as she had done countless times before, sitting on his lap her small hands upon his cheeks. The moon was out for the show and it looked huge, round, and cold as winter. The light from it struck her face and her eyes lost their green. The dead pale glow blurred her freckles and her lips became colorless.
Even though he kept his head up and they were almost nose to nose, she whispered, "Look at me." She searched his face as if looking for a sign. "But all that is history, because you won. You're the big winner, you understand? You get it all. I can't stop you. Take everything from me. Take my virginity it's yours. Take my life, beat me, do what you want to me. I...I...will take whatever you'll give me." She laughed hard and cruelly and her tears rained down on him. "You can sleep around, screw whoever you want, and I will still love you. I will always love you. Love doesn't have to be a two way street...but...but you have to give me something! Even if it is the smallest part of your heart. Please! Please!"
Pulling herself off of him, she threw herself on her knees and sobbed horribly, "Please, please, please!" Lisa gripped his legs fiercely as she cried and her nails dug into his skin but he didn't care.
He was still unable to form any words, but he could hold her. With his long muscular arms, he reached down and gently picked her up as if she was a child and pressed her delicate, warm face to his. He had been crying noiselessly this whole time and he let his tears mix with hers. Her lips felt puffy and wonderfully soft. With tenderness, he kissed her until she responded and their kiss became wet and passionate.
Quickly, he became aroused but he didn't want her to know, so he cradled her high to his chest. They kissed long and deeply, but eventually even his strong arms grew tired and he set her down on the bench and knelt in front of her as she had him. He felt he had to say something but had no idea what, so he let the words come as they would.
"I was wrong. I was wrong about many things." The words started slow, hesitantly, but soon began to pour out of him, "I wanted to stay a kid. That was my problem. I didn't want to grow up. I wanted to have my fun, but I didn't want to be responsible. For you or your feelings.
"I thought we could say, I love you, back and forth and have it not mean anything. I was such a coward! You see, if you really loved me that meant I was responsible for your happiness, your sadness, perhaps even for your whole life. And that scared me, I hid myself from it." He looked around at the dark amazed, wondering where all of this came from.
"So you never loved me," she asked without any strength in her voice.
He laughed in self-disgust. "No, I do love you and always have. That's the worst part. I was allowed to love you with all my heart, but you couldn't love me back. Do you know why? Do you? Because if I was the only one in love, then only I could get hurt. I could deal with that. But I couldn't deal with having it in my power to hurt you. Look what I've done to you. As much as I was sad and angry since we broke up, it hurts me ten times as much to see you in this much pain. Each one of your tears is my fault! Each tear is because of me and they stab me in the heart! That's what I'm talking about. As long as you never truly loved me, you could never feel this much pain. So I hid my love..."
He looked away shaking his head at the moon. "I held back. I wanted you not to love me as much as you did. I know now that I was sabotaging our relationship. I never wanted it to end, I just never wanted it to go forward. I wanted it to stay frozen in time, unchanging and perfect. But I never considered what you wanted..."
Will stopped and shook his head, angry with himself. "I'm lying again! Damn it! I knew what you wanted. I knew exactly what you wanted, but I was afraid of it. How can you love such a coward? You were right to break up with me. I was living in a childish fantasy. I was in Never Never Land, where I would never have to grow up."
He held her hands and looked her in the eyes. "But I want it all now. I'm being childish again—I want all of you. Please take me back. You should not be begging me, I'm not worth it. I should be begging you, and I am. Please take me back, please. I'll be strong and courageous, like you. I want this love. I want you. I want us. Tell me what I..." He stopped in disbelief. He was about to ask her what to do and how to behave. "I'll show you my love every day. I'll put you above me always."
Her face held a mixture of desperate hope and tremendous weariness. "I wish I could believe you. I want to believe you. If I take you back, don't ever hurt me please, just kill me. I can't take any more pain." Her words hurt badly. They were a razor across his heart, but he had to hurt her more now.
With one more glance into the dark, he took a deep breath. "Two nights ago, after the party I...I...I fooled around with Amy Harris. It was wrong...I was wrong! I should never have done it and I'm terribly sorry."
"Yes, I know," she spoke in a whisper. "But why was it wrong? You were free, weren't you? I told you to go find...someone better."
He was hurting her again, he felt her pain, and it became his pain. "There's no one better, at least not for me. But free? I was never free to hurt you...and I'm...I don't want to come across as conceited but I'm better than that. If I hadn't been so..." He stopped himself. No more excuses.
Lisa cast her eyes down. "It's my fault. I threw that Coastie in your face to get you jealous...I guess it worked didn't it?"
"It's not your fault. I had just told you I loved you and not an hour later...I was crazy with..." Again, the excuses came up and he squashed them down fiercely. "I'm ashamed of myself and here on my knees, I'm begging you to forgive me."
She put her hands into his hair and began to comb it with her fingers. "If you'll forgive me...for the Coastie and, and breaking up with you in the first place."
Amazingly and childishly, his jealousy over the Coastie flared up. He wanted to ask her what exactly he should be forgiving her for, but instead said, "I forgive you for the Coastie, but if you are taking me back, then there's nothing to forgive about the break up. I needed it. We...needed it."
In the dark, she smiled and he smiled back. Pulling him off of his knees she said, "Come on, I want to show you something." She led them around the seawall and he quickly realized they were heading to her apartment
building.
Her dad was out on patrol and was not scheduled back for at least two more days, so he figured he was about to meet her mother. With all of the rumors he became more than a little apprehensive and as they headed up the elevator, he steeled himself for a meeting with a woman who had a very nasty reputation around the island.
Her apartment however, was empty. Will could tell the moment he walked in.
"Where's your mom?" He looked around and could immediately tell that Lisa had been cleaning. The place smelled of ammonia and furniture polish, yet it also had an underlying odor of ashtrays and greasy cooking.
"I kicked my mom out two days ago." Lisa crossed her arms, resolutely almost as if challenging him to find fault with what she had just said.
"Wow! She just left?"
"No I had to threaten to call social services on her. She took all the money, mine and dad's, and left." Will shook his head in wonder at her; she had a spine of steel to do such a thing.
With her mother gone, he relaxed and glanced around and as he did, he noted that her eyes followed his everywhere they went. Lisa licked her lips nervously. She was worried he would look down on her home. Purposely he overlooked the worn and dilapidated furniture and instead went to the pictures on the walls.
"How old were you in this one?" It was picture of Lisa in a purple and white cheerleading outfit; she smiled happily for the camera.
"That was when I was at Bourne High for my freshmen year. I still have the outfit," she added suggestively, but Will could see she instantly regretted it. "Come here." She led him down a short hallway to what was obviously her bedroom.
It was clean and smelled good. There were pictures of the two of them about the room and in each they were holding hands and looked very happy. She grew more anxious and self-consciously straightened a few of her girlish knickknacks.
"I like your room." He went to a spot on the wall that had until very recently held a poster. "Not John Travolta, I hope."
The Trilogy of the Void: The Complete Boxed Set Page 16
