by Noelle Adams
Lydia didn’t have a response to that comment.
“I can’t believe you’re not even nervous,” her mom said.
“Why would I be nervous?”
“Most women are, for one reason or another. But you’re as cool as a cucumber, as always.”
Lydia wondered, if she’d been marrying a man she loved, whether she’d be all fluttery and jittery like most of the brides she’d known. She couldn’t even imagine. As it was, she mostly wanted to get this day over with—get these next few months over with—so she could get over to India and get started. “This is what I want, so I’m not sure why I’d be nervous about it.”
Her mother was about to say something when Lydia’s phone chirped with a text. She glanced over at her purse in surprise—somehow not expecting to get any messages on her wedding day—but she walked over to pull the phone out to check.
It was Gabe, who was just in another room of the church. Everything good?
She raised her eyebrows as she tapped out her response. Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?
Just checking. No second thoughts?
Not from me. What about you?
Not from me either.
This is what I want.
Me too.
Good.
Okay. See you out there.
Despite herself, she almost giggled at his last text. It was nice that he was double-checking. He was a really nice guy.
“That must be from Gabe,” her mom said. “I’d recognize that expression anywhere.”
Lydia dropped her eyes and felt her cheeks redden.
“No need to be embarrassed,” her mom said with another smile.
She hadn’t been embarrassed about being caught with soft feelings, but because her mom had so drastically misunderstood. She shook off the reaction, though, since it didn’t really matter.
“You’re not nervous about…about tonight, are you?” Her mom looked a little self-conscious as she fussed with Lydia’s skirt.
Lydia hid a smile. Her mother didn’t like to talk about sex, but she was clearly making an effort now in case her daughter needed it. “I’m twenty-seven, Mom. I’m pretty sure I know how things work.”
“I know. I was just making sure. I just hope that you…It’s easy to expect too much, and then to be disappointed, and I don’t want that to happen with you.”
Lydia was surprised by this stilted admission, and she turned to meet her mom’s eyes. “Why would I be disappointed? Gabe is…” She trailed off, not sure what exactly Gabe was.
“Oh, I’m sure Gabe is wonderful. That’s not the point. It’s that girls now seem to have all these over-inflated views of what sex is—fed by books and stories and all that—like it’s going to transport them to some alternate reality. And then, when it gets down to it, it’s still just you. And him. And sometimes it’s good, and sometimes it’s something you do because you love the other person, and occasionally it blows you away, but you’re always going to be just you, and he’s always going to be just him. In bed and out of it.”
The words rang true to Lydia—and she knew they were hard for her mother to say—so she didn’t brush them aside or laugh them off. Her mother didn’t know that she wasn’t planning to have sex with Gabe, and she was being a good mother—as she’d always been. “Thanks, Mom.”
Her mother gave her a one-armed hug that wouldn’t wrinkle her dress. “I’m so happy for you, dear. I used to worry…but I’m so happy for you.”
Lydia returned the hug, but when she pulled away, she asked, “What did you worry about?”
“Nothing big. You were always so together, and you always knew what you wanted. That’s a good thing. I’m so proud of you.” Her mother cleared her throat before she continued, “I see a lot of girls living their lives like they’re in a holding-pattern before marriage. Like only when they find their man will they truly begin to live. You were never like that. But sometimes I wondered if, instead of marriage, you were doing the same thing with your work in India. It’s a good thing. It’s such a good thing. But I wondered if you were just putting life on hold before you got there. But I was wrong. You’re obviously not. And now you’re going to have a husband and a step-daughter, and I’m so happy for you.”
Her mother hugged her again, obviously overwhelmed with feeling, and Lydia hugged back. Because she was her mother. And because she loved her.
But she really wanted to pull away.
The marriage was going to be real—based on love or not—but it suddenly felt like there was something about it that was a lie.
***
Lydia hadn’t been nervous about the wedding at all—not once. And she wasn’t nervous when she left the Sunday school room that was acting as the dressing room and went to stand in the narthex.
There were only thirty-two people attending the wedding, but she was still going to process, with Ellie and Mia as the flower girls, so her mother wouldn’t be disappointed.
Lydia had two older brothers who had already gotten married—although Thomas was now separated from his wife. He approached her now, holding Mia’s hand.
He gave her a smile. “You don’t look too bad.”
Thomas had always been super-smart and super-ambitious. After years of medical school and residencies, they’d all expected him to take some hot-shot position as a surgeon at a major hospital. Instead, he’d moved back to the area last year so he could be closer to Mia, and he worked at the local hospital.
He was six years older than her, and they were closer now than they’d been growing up.
“You don’t look too bad either,” she told him. “And, Mia, you look beautiful.”
“Thank you.” Mia pushed her little glasses up her nose and held her long dress out for all to admire.
“You sure about this?” Thomas asked softly.
Lydia wasn’t sure if he suspected something was atypical with her marriage or not, but she told him the truth either way. “Yes. I’m sure.”
She was sure, but was also starting to feel a little shaky as Martha fussed with her dress and she heard the music changing the sanctuary.
It was so strange—because she was never shaky like that.
The feeling had come out of nowhere, but Lydia was suddenly chilly with something akin to nerves.
“Are you excited, Ellie?” she asked, trying to distract herself when she realized her hands were actually trembling as she held her bouquet.
Ellie looked adorable in her white dress and red satin sash, tied in a decorative knot at the back. But she wasn’t smiling as she waited silently for her time to process. “I know how to hold my flowers,” she said.
That wasn’t what she’d asked her, but Lydia didn’t object. Her ears were starting to roar as she heard the wedding anthem begin. “You’ll hold them perfectly, I’m sure,” she managed to say, before Martha shushed her and hurried Ellie and Mia over to the aisle.
Lydia was shaking for real as she watched the girls begin to walk. And she was still shaking as she started down the aisle herself, stared at by the smiling faces of her family and Gabe’s family—with Gabe himself waiting for her at the end of the aisle, dressed in an expensive black suit, his expression thoughtful and sober.
She didn’t stop trembling through the readings and hymn and homily and vows. Her voice was a little wobbly as she said, “I do.”
Her hand shook as she exchanged rings with Gabe, and she was still shaky as they were pronounced husband and wife.
She was trembling so helplessly as she and Gabe walked up the aisle together afterwards that she knew he had to see it.
They ended up back in the dressing room—with Martha, Ellie, and Mia. Gabe reached out for her and pulled her close in what looked like a hug, but he asked in a low murmur, “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” she said, trying to smile at him.
“You look like you’re about to lose it.”
“I know.” His arm was tight around her, and she felt like she needed his strength, so she pressed
herself against him. She said in a voice as soft as his had been, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I wasn’t even nervous. This isn’t like me at all.”
Gabe pulled away slightly so he could look down at her face. His blue eyes were suddenly questioning. “You’re not regretting it already, are you?”
“No!” The response was a little sharper than she’d intended, so she softened it. “I’m not regretting anything. I’m really fine.”
The question had disappeared from his face, and his arms tightened around her again. “You’re still shaking.”
“I know.” She buried her face against his jacket, clinging to him in an attempt to pull herself together.
She was never like this. She was never weak and shaky. She was never overly emotional.
Everyone always said she was the most practical, competent person they’d ever met, and marriage certainly wouldn’t have changed her.
She knew Gabe had just pulled her into the embrace so he could have a private conversation with her while the others were in the room, but it felt now like he was supporting her.
She kind of liked the feeling.
“Daddy?” a voice came from behind her.
Gabe pulled away and looked down on his daughter, who had moved over to stand near them. “Hi, sweetheart. You looked beautiful and held your flowers perfectly.”
“Thank you. Are you done hugging her now?”
“Yes,” he said, with a low chuckle, reaching down for his daughter. “Now I can hug you.”
He hugged the little girl in a tight grip, and the feeling between them was obvious. Lydia felt cold and still trembly, after having lost the embrace, but she wasn’t about to complain.
She needed Gabe to get to India. She didn’t need him in any other way.
***
They had a small reception at the church, and then Lydia and Gabe drove to Asheville while Ellie went to stay with her grandparents.
Gabe and Lydia were going to spend the weekend in a historic inn in Asheville. Everyone expected them to have a honeymoon, and this was the most low-maintenance thing they could think of.
It wasn’t like it was a burden to spend the weekend in an upscale inn. What everyone else expected to happen over the weekend didn’t actually have to happen.
The drive went quickly because she and Gabe were talking about plans for their work in India. She was as interested in his business center as she was in her own work, and they actually got a brainstorm for a potential project that could give girls rescued from the brothels training for jobs.
It was in the early stages—just ideas at this point—but Lydia was excited, and she had a great time talking it all out with Gabe, who had the best head for business she’d ever seen.
The inn was a renovation of an old mansion, and it was gorgeous, set amidst the mountain scenery and obviously very expensive.
Lydia felt the first qualm as she pulled her bag out of the car. “They’re not going to give us a honeymoon suite or anything, are they?” she asked, gazing up at the white columns and wide porch.
“No. Of course not. I got a two-bedroom suite.” Gabe looked surprised, like she’d offended him. “What did you think?”
“Nothing,” she said hurriedly, feeling guilty for her question. “I didn’t think you would…I mean, sorry.”
He gave her a half-smile and shook his head.
“Did you have to make up some excuse about why we need two rooms?”
“No. It’s none of their business.”
She thought about that for a minute and decided he was right. She wasn’t sure why she thought it was a big deal. It certainly didn’t matter whether the manager of this inn thought they were strange for getting a two-bedroom suite for their honeymoon.
The manager greeted them warmly, and then a bellboy carried up their luggage. The suite was spacious with lovely hardwood floors, a large balcony, and two fireplaces.
Lydia gulped, thinking about how much money Gabe must have spent on it. She’d have to offer to chip in. Obviously, given the difference in their finances, any contributions she made would be mostly token, but it still felt important to her to make the gesture.
She never wanted Gabe to mistakenly believe she thought his money was hers to use as she liked.
Once all the features of the room and inn were explained, the bellboy left, and Gabe and Lydia stood in the main room, staring at each other.
Tonight was their wedding night.
Lydia couldn’t help but be acutely aware of the breadth of Gabe’s shoulders, the strength of his jaw, the masculinity in the lines of his body.
He really wouldn’t be a bad choice for a wedding night.
Not that they were going to have sex, she reminded herself.
“Which room do you want?” he asked at last, after staring at her the way she’d been him.
“It doesn’t matter. They’re both lovely.”
“Why don’t you take the one with the tub, then? Assuming you like to take baths, that is.”
“I do.” She glanced toward the room decorated in shades of blue and rose. “Thank you.”
“We can go out for dinner, if you want. Or, if you’re tired, we can just do room service.” He was searching her face, as if he was trying to read what she was feeling.
“Room service would be great. I’m really tired.” She was suddenly very self-conscious—since she definitely didn’t want Gabe to know what she was feeling at the moment. She reached for the handle of her suitcase and started rolling it toward her room. “This is a gorgeous suite. Thank you. I hope it wasn’t too much.”
She was mostly talking to have something to say, but when she glanced back she saw Gabe was frowning. “Of course, it wasn’t too much.”
She didn’t know what to say to that, so she just went to hide in her room.
She unpacked a little, and then they ate dinner out on their private veranda. They didn’t talk much at first, but it felt comfortable so Lydia enjoyed the quiet.
She actually liked Gabe’s company. He seemed just as self-possessed as she was.
So many people she knew—both men and women—felt the need to say anything to fill silences, as if silences were some kind of threat.
Before she realized what she was doing, she asked out of the blue, “What happened with your wife? I mean, Michaela. If you don’t mind telling me, of course.”
Gabe twitched in surprise, putting down his fork. But he didn’t look angry or defensive. Just kind of tired as he gazed out at the mountain scenery. “She didn’t want to be married to me anymore.”
He made it sound simple, but Lydia was sure it wasn’t. “Why not?”
Maybe the question was too pushy, but she was used to asking what she wanted to know.
“I don’t know.” With a sigh, he turned back to look at her. “She wanted something different out of life. I don’t think she wanted to have Ellie at all. Before she was born, we traveled a lot and went out a lot and did a lot of socializing. It exhausted me, but she thrived on it. Then, after Ellie was born, our lifestyle changed. We had to settle down some, and she didn’t want to be that person.”
“But how could she…” For once, Lydia thought before she spoke and rephrased to something less blunt. “But surely having Ellie would be worth the change in lifestyle.”
“I think so. I think so a thousand times. But evidently Michaela didn’t. She finally just left. She fell in a love with a guy who lives the kind of life she wants, so I guess she’s got what she wants now.”
“Shit,” Lydia breathed. “That…sucks.”
“Yeah.”
“So she doesn’t spend much time with Ellie?”
“Not much. It’s sporadic. She occasionally wants to see her, but she definitely doesn’t want the responsibility.”
“I’m really sorry you had to go through all that.”
He gave a shrug. “It happens.”
She could tell it had been really hard on him, despite his laidback attitude. “So you n
ever thought about getting married again?”
He shot her a quick look, but evidently relaxed at what he saw on her face. “No. It just didn’t seem worth it. To go through all that again.”
She could understand why he would think that. She would probably think the same thing.
“What about you?” he asked.
“What about me?”
“Why didn’t you ever get married?”
She gave a little shrug, kind of like how he had earlier. “It just didn’t happen for me. Guys don’t even ask me out much anymore.”
He chuckled softly. “That might be because you intimidate them.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re so confident and capable—and you don’t seem to need a man, if you get what I’m saying. You’re probably intimidating to most men.”
She thought about that for a minute, wondering if he was right. She’d been popular in high school and college, but her appeal as a date seemed to have diminished as the years went by. Then she shrugged it off because it didn’t really matter. “I’m married now,” she said with a grin, “so I guess we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”
“I guess not.”
They held gazes for a minute, before they looked away. The look was confusing somehow. She wasn’t sure what to make of it.
Since they were done with their food, Lydia stood up. “It’s a great view, but it’s a little chilly out here, so I guess I’ll head inside.”
“Sounds good.”
Deciding some alone time would be nice, she went to her room to take a bath.
The tub was a huge and jetted, and she had a very nice, relaxing soak. Afterwards, she put on lounge pants and a long belted sweater, since it was comfortable but still looked like real clothes. She assumed Gabe was still up, and she didn’t want to go out in her pajamas.
Gabe must have showered too because he wore black pajama pants and a white t-shirt. He was standing next to a room service tray on which was a bucket of chilled champagne.
He glanced back at her as she approached. “They sent it up to us,” he said, “because they realized it was our honeymoon.”
“Oh.” She came over to stand beside him, staring at the bottle and crystal flutes. “I guess there’s no sense in letting it go to waste.”
