by Noelle Adams
Ellie had dozed off a few minutes ago, so Lydia had leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She’d called Gabe on the way to the hospital, and he’d gotten in his car to drive home immediately. He should be here soon.
She wished he was here now.
“Lydia,” a soft, male voice came from the doorway.
She opened her eyes and straightened up with a jerk, but it was just Thomas standing there. She stood up and walked over to him, so their conversation wouldn’t wake up Ellie. They stepped out into the hallway to talk.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. She’s fine, I think. At least, that’s what everyone says.”
‘I know. She really is fine. I was asking how you are.”
“Oh.” She was kind of embarrassed, since she felt uncharacteristically weak. “I’m fine.”
“Do you need anything? Coffee or something?”
“No. I’m okay. I—” She broke off when a motion from down the hall distracted her.
Gabe. Striding down the hall toward them, as if nothing could stand in his way.
She gave a little whimper at the sight of him, so glad was she to see him.
He pulled her into his arms as soon as he reached her, giving her a brief, hard hug.
“She’s fine,” Lydia said against his chest, unable to even imagine how she’d be having this conversation if Ellie hadn’t been fine. “She’s resting now, but she’s fine.”
She’d called to tell him, after she’d heard from the doctor, but she hadn’t expected Gabe to relax until he could see his daughter for himself. He walked into the room and stared at Ellie, who was still sleeping.
“She’s thinking well and seeing well and moving well,” Thomas said from behind them. “No worries at all. Just the stitches and a headache.”
Gabe took a raspy breath and nodded. Some of the tension in his body relaxed. Lydia could feel this palpably, since his arm was still around her. “When did they say we can take her home?”
“In a few hours.”
“Okay.” Gabe went to sit down in the chair next to the bed and pulled Lydia down beside him, even though there wasn’t really room for both of them in the chair.
Thomas gave her a little smile. “I’ve got to get Mia home. Call me if you need me.”
“Thanks, Thomas.”
When he was gone, Gabe murmured, “What happened?”
Lydia gave him a fuller account than she’d been able to manage on the phone earlier, and Gabe just listened and nodded.
“I’m so sorry,” Lydia concluded, her voice cracking. “I shouldn’t have let her climb—”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“It kind of was. I was the one who told her about climbing the tree. I was the one who let her. I didn’t think it would be a problem, but I should have been smart—”
“Lydia, stop. She’s fine. We can’t protect her from everything.” He leaned down to kiss her forehead softly. “All we can do is the best we can.”
She exhaled, feeling better, but she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d have come to the same conclusion if Ellie had been seriously hurt.
“I have to trust God with Ellie,” he added, his voice rough with feeling. “There’s no other way I could make it through the day.”
Lydia nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying. And realizing that he was sharing with her one of the deepest truths of his life.
***
A little while later, they went down to the cafeteria, since Gabe insisted she needed something to eat.
Lydia didn’t feel like eating, but she went anyway, since she didn’t have energy for an argument.
They picked out sandwiches and flavored waters and brought them over to the cash register. The woman who was supposed to be waiting on them was talking on a cell phone.
Lydia was briefly annoyed, but she didn’t dwell on it. At least, she didn’t until they’d been waiting for a few minutes and the woman made no move to take their money.
She started to get tense as they continued to wait. She just wasn’t up to controlling her impatience today. She was taking a breath to say something to get the woman to do her job when she felt Gabe’s hand on her back.
She glanced up at him in surprise, but he wasn’t even looking at her. He was checking something on his phone. Probably a text from Ellie’s mother. He’d called her earlier to let her know what happened, and she always replied to his messages with just a text.
She didn’t know why he’d put a hand on her back, but it reminded her that there was no reason to take out her bad day on some poor woman, so she bit back her pushy comment.
Fortunately, the woman hung up just then so Lydia could feel rewarded.
***
That night, Lydia went to bed absolutely exhausted.
They’d gotten Ellie home and watched TV with her for a while. But Lydia was so tired that she’d taken a shower and gone to bed just after Ellie had.
She felt weak and anxious and strangely confused, and she wanted Gabe desperately. But it had been just as hard a day for him as it had been for her, and she couldn’t imagine he would be remotely interested in sex.
She wasn’t in the mood either. She just wanted to be with him.
But she huddled under her covers, still praying and hoping she’d be able to sleep.
She was still awake an hour later when there was a soft knock on the door.
“Yes?” She sat up in her bed, surprised and confused.
The door swung open, and Gabe stood silhouetted by the light from the hallway.
“You can come in,” she said, when he just stood there.
“Did I wake you up?” He took a few steps into her dark room.
“No. I wasn’t sleeping. Did you want to—” She stretched an arm out toward him.
He closed the door behind him and made his way to her bed. Then he climbed under the covers and pulled her into his arms.
She exhaled loudly and snuggled against him.
“I thought you might come to my room tonight,” he murmured, tightening his arms around her almost painfully.
“I didn’t think you’d feel like sex.”
“I don’t. I don’t.”
And she realized then that he hadn’t come to her for sex. He’d come to her for comfort. The same comfort she needed herself. She made a little whimper.
“Are you okay?” he murmured.
“Yeah. I was so scared. I was…so scared.”
“I know. So was I.” He adjusted her so he could hold her more comfortably, his body relaxing a little. “Do you ever cry?”
“No. Not really. Not much. Occasionally, but not much. But I felt like it today.”
“Me too,” he admitted. “For so long, she’s been all I’ve had.”
“I know.”
He leaned down to kiss her. “And it’s so strange that now I have you too.”
“You do have me,” she murmured, clinging to his big, warm body. “I hope you know that.”
He didn’t answer, just held her even tighter, like he couldn’t seem to let her go. The urgency in his grip thrilled and terrified her both. She wanted his need—it matched her own—but she couldn’t help but wonder if he was afraid she would slip out of his grip.
She wanted him to trust her.
She wanted him to know she wasn’t going to leave.
She wanted him to trust God with their marriage, the same way he trusted God with the other parts of his life.
And she just wasn’t sure if he did.
Eleven
The next morning was Christmas Eve.
Lydia woke up to find that Gabe wasn’t in bed with her, and she was ludicrously disappointed. She hoped he hadn’t gone back to his own bed to sleep some time during the night, although it was certainly possible, and she had no grounds to complain, even if he had.
Theirs was a marriage-of-convenience, after all. A practical marriage with no emotional expectations. Either of them could sleep on their own if they wanted.<
br />
Lydia just didn’t really want to anymore.
She sighed and stretched, suddenly remembering that poor little Ellie had fallen out of a tree the day before. Lydia jumped up and sprinted up to the third floor to check on her.
In the doorway, she collided with Gabe, who was just leaving the room.
“Oomph,” she gasped, as Gabe reached to stabilize her after the impact.
“You okay?” Gabe was wearing his pajamas. He’d obviously done the same thing she had on waking up.
“Yeah.” She kept her voice low so as not to wake Ellie, who was sleeping on her bed across the room. “Just coming to check on her. Is she okay?”
“She’s fine. Let’s let her sleep longer.” He put his hand on her back as they walked back down the stairs, and then he came into the bedroom with her on the second floor.
Since it wasn’t even six yet, Lydia crawled back under the covers, and she smiled when Gabe got back in bed with her.
She scooted over to nestle against him.
Gabe wrapped his arm around her, and they lay together in pleasant silence for several minutes.
Then, following the line of her thoughts, Lydia asked, “Do you think Ellie will be up to singing in the Christmas Eve service tonight?”
“I hope so. We’ll just let her decide.”
“She’s been really excited about it.”
“I know. Hopefully, she’ll feel up to it.”
“She’s a good little girl.” Lydia smiled at the thought of Ellie. She’d met the girl for the first time less than three months ago, and she already cared about her a lot. So much so that she was actually dreading the idea of being away from her so long during the year when she was in India and Ellie was going to school here.
She was also dreading being away from Gabe.
“I know she is,” Gabe said. “Thanks for being so good with her.”
“I don’t think I’m that good.” Lydia shifted to look up at his face. “I’ve got a lot of learning yet to do.”
He shook his head, his expression fond. “You’ve been great. And I’m so grateful that she’ll have a woman in her life who she can look up to—especially as she starts to get older.” He sighed. “Sometimes it terrifies me to think of what I’ll do when she’s a teenager.”
“You’re wonderful with her. You’re a wonderful father.” She reached up to stroke his bristly cheek. “I’m really happy to be part of her life, but you’d be fine, even without me.”
There was something in his expression now that made her heart feel like it was flying. “Maybe. But I’m even better with you.”
She took a shaky breath, almost dizzy from the emotions. “Me too.”
He smiled and looked like he did when he kissed her, but he didn’t pull her up to his mouth. Just kept gazing at her.
“I kind of love her, you know,” Lydia said, so full of feeling she had to express it. She’d always been honest and forthright, and there didn’t seem to be a good reason not to be now.
His smiled broadened. “I know. You have no idea how much that means to me.”
She cleared her throat. “Well, you know…” She trailed off, hesitating for the first time, since what she was going to say felt so big. But it was true. It was true.
So she said it.
“And I kind of love you too.”
She saw a fire blaze up in his eyes for just a moment at her words. She was sure she didn’t imagine it. But then she saw a clear sequence of emotions follow the initial reaction.
His face was just as hard to read as it had ever been, but she knew him now. And so she saw and understood each emotion as it passed to the next.
Recognition. Surprise. Confusion. Fear. Withdrawal. Fear. Fear. Fear.
And the flying of her heart suddenly dropped with a sickening thud.
“What?” he asked, the word strangling a little in his throat.
She gave a little cough, suddenly wishing she hadn’t said it. Things had been so good, and she’d just ruined it.
Sometimes being open about everything that went through her mind wasn’t the best thing to do. She’d learned that as she’d grown up.
She should have learned it better.
“Nothing.” She glanced away, something aching in her throat that was difficult to speak over. “I was just…It’s no big deal.”
“But you said—”
“Don’t worry about what I said. It was just a passing thought.” She tried to smile at him naturally, although she felt crushed. Devastated. She pulled away from him and sat up on the bed, hoping the position would get her mind to work better.
Gabe sat up too, looking at her soberly. The fear she’d seen in his eyes had disappeared, but so had all the feeling she’d seen before. “You’re not expecting…”
“I’m not expecting anything. Things are great between us.” Her cheekbones ached from trying to keep her face in a smile.
“Because this marriage was always—”
“Practical,” she interrupted. “I know. I’m not complaining or expecting anything else. I’m not.”
“Okay.” He took a strange, shuddering breath. “Because I told you from the beginning that I don’t think I can trust another woman with—”
“Your heart.” She knew she was finishing his sentences, but she just needed to get this conversation over with. “I know. I’m not expecting you to trust me with your heart. I’m not expecting anything. I’m sorry I said anything. Things are great between us.”
She knew exactly what had happened. He’d suddenly realized that they were getting too close, and his heart was potentially in danger. And he’d retreated.
After what had happened with his first wife, she could hardly blame him.
And, if it cracked her heart to think that he didn’t believe he could trust her with what was most important, than that was her own fault.
She’d known what she was doing when she entered this marriage.
“Are you sure?” Gabe looked stiff, awkward, horribly uncomfortable. “Because I thought we understood each other. But if you—”
“I do understand. Stop obsessing about one random comment. How many times do I have to say that everything is fine?” She got out of bed, needing to escape from this conversation. Really soon.
“Okay,” he said slowly, getting up too. “Maybe we should take a step back, just to make sure things are okay between us. I don’t want there to be any confusion.”
And that hurt even more, although she should have known he would do that. Because he’d suddenly realized what was happening between them, and it terrified him.
“Okay.” She nodded and headed for her bathroom. “That’s a good idea. I’m going to take a shower now.”
Her departure was kind of rude and abrupt, but she didn’t have a choice. She had to get away from him before she started to cry.
She’d just been telling him yesterday that she never cried.
***
She was fully dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt when she came downstairs an hour later.
Gabe and Ellie were at the kitchen table, with the remains of waffles on their plates and a tablet between them. They were obviously playing a game together.
They looked so domestic, so dear, that she felt a hard pain in her throat at the sight. They looked like a family—a family she had never really been a part of. But she pushed through her reaction.
She might have cried—just a little—in the shower, but she wasn’t a fool or a child. If Gabe didn’t want their marriage to get any closer, then she could live with that.
After all, in a few months, she’d be heading to India and she could start over there. She could focus on her work—the most important thing—and the family she didn’t have after all simply wouldn’t matter that much.
She’d lived for several years convinced she would never have the kind of marriage so many other women had. She’d thought that meant she would never be married at all. Now, she realized she hadn’t been wrong. Even though she
was married, her initial understanding had been correct.
Her life wouldn’t be about loving a husband and family. It would be about her work. She’d always been satisfied with that.
She could be satisfied with it now.
All of this processed in her mind as she stood briefly and watched them.
Then Gabe looked up and saw her, and she smiled brightly. “Good morning! How are you feeling, Ellie?”
The girl looked up with a smile. She had a big bandage on her forehead, and her hair was a tangled mess. But she looked a lot better than she had the day before. “I’m doing fine. My head doesn’t hurt today, but it feels weird around my stitches. Daddy says that’s normal.”
“I think it is. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” She could feel Gabe watching her, but she kept her eyes on Ellie. “I hope you’ll feel up to singing at church tonight.”
“I will. I’m sure I’ll feel up to it tonight.”
“Good.”
“Aren’t you going to make her a waffle?” Ellie asked, turning to her father.
“Sure,” Gabe said, starting to get up. On the surface, he looked natural, but she could tell that he’d withdrawn. Like he was hiding himself behind his quiet reserve, the way he had at the beginning.
Lydia hated the sight of it, but she reminded herself it was no big deal. “I don’t need a waffle,” she said quickly. “I’m not very hungry this morning.” She went to get herself some coffee, hoping it would clear the painful fog in her head.
“Oh. But they were really good,” Ellie said. “Dad makes the best waffles.”
“I’m sure they were. But I’m not very hungry.”
She got her coffee and then made herself a piece of toast, but even the normal activities felt fake somehow, as if it wasn’t real, as if none of this was real, as if she was just going through the motions, as if this wasn’t really her at all.
She tried to look at Gabe a couple of times, to prove that everything was fine, but it was too painful so she mostly just avoided his eyes.
She sat down at the table, and they had a conversation about their plans for the day. And all the time the pain in her chest and the lump in her gut only intensified.
