Well, it’s 9:50 p.m. and, oh, what a day it has been. Tommy and I finally got my RV moved to our land. Even though it was just moving it up the road, it felt as if I was off on a long journey. As I drove in my truck behind Tommy as he pulled my RV with his tractor, I felt my heart begin to race, and I had both excitement and fear at the same time. It was a new chapter in my life. Th is was a new beginning. I was finally stepping out on my own, but I felt God leading all the way.
As my RV trailer turned up the long drive for the first time, I said out loud, and it was probably good that I was alone, for one would have thought that I was crazy and had lost my mind. I said, “Penny. Kids. We’re home.” It felt as if I was bringing part of them back.
I could see in my mind Penny standing in the doorway as she did often as I would pull up the drive, home from work. I could see Bubba out back shooting aluminum cans off the fence row. I could see Tyler outside playing with his little red wagon full of dirt, and more dirt on him than in the wagon. I could see Erin coming out to greet me, “Hi, Daddy. How was your day?” So, yes, it felt as if I was coming home.
Only time will tell if staying here is good. But for now, I’m halfway there but not quite home yet. I will never be completely home until God calls me home to be with Him and my family, to see Penny and the kids, to see my Daddy and precious Mama, and all my grandparents and loved ones [who have] gone on before.
Well, it’s way past 10:00 p.m. I must get some rest, for tomorrow is another big day. I’ve got to preach in Brookston, TX, and it will also be Bubba’s birthday. He would have been fourteen. So tonight I ask for God’s grace and protection as I spend my first night completely alone.
So for tomorrow’s challenges, I rest again upon Psalm 71:16, “I will go on in the strength of the Lord.”
JUNE 8, 2008 – 7:40 A.M.
Well, I made it through the first night on my own here on our land. At first I had a little trouble going to sleep, for every sound that echoed through the night would cause me to get up and look out the window. Though after a little talk with God and turning it over to Him, I began to slip away into a deep sleep, for the long day had finally caught up with me.
The hardest thing for me to be alone now is the quietness all around. I miss my family so much. I miss the sounds of home. Just the simple things like the dryer belt squeaking as Penny would put on a load of laundry just before bed. I would ask her, “Why do you wait until we go to bed to start the dryer?” She would say in her soft, sweet voice, “I’m sorry. I just forgot to earlier.”
I miss the sounds of the kids upstairs at night as they would giggle and whisper, and I would say to the boys, “You need to be quiet and go to sleep.” I miss Penny lying next to me in our bed as we would hold one another and drift off to sleep. Still to this day I will often wake up in the middle of the night, forgetting that she is not there and reach out my arm, only to find an empty place there. I miss my friend, my lover. I miss my wife. I just miss my family.
Today is Bubba’s birthday. He would have been fourteen. He was such a sweet boy with a good heart. He loved everyone, and it showed by his kind spirit.
So I face another day, trying to move forward the best that I can, just putting my trust in God. Well, it’s time to stop and get ready to go. Have to go speak at Brookston Baptist Church.
It’s 9:05 p.m. Sunday, and oh what a day it has been. So full of emotions, both happy and sad. Happy because I had a blessed time in the Lord, being able to preach God’s Word and give my testimony. God is so good, and He gives me strength that I couldn’t get on my own.
Today was also a sad day. Today was Bubba’s birthday. Instead of planning a birthday party for him, I spent some time at the cemetery, thinking we should be together as a family celebrating his birthday. So instead, I grieve today, alone, with my family gone. The emptiness that is left inside can’t even be put into words.
In the past three months I have gone through several firsts: Tyler’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, and today Bubba’s birthday. Then there comes Father’s Day next Sunday. Only by God’s grace have I made it this far, and only by God’s grace will I be able to keep going. As I sit alone in my travel trailer, I can’t keep the tears back, thinking of all of our family memories and all the great times we had.
I can’t help but to get angry at times. I even had a little fit today. I couldn’t get a shirt to go on a hanger like I wanted, and through my frustrations of the day I just began to throw hangers as I cried out to God. “It just isn’t fair. I want my family back, and I need them.” And I asked God, “How can I go on without them?”
Even though I have experienced God working in my life and through others, it still doesn’t change the fact that my family is gone and the grief is still there. So tonight as I try to drift off to sleep, I’ll think back on all our wonderful memories together, and for now say good night.
JUNE 9, 2008 – 10:53 P.M.
Today has been one of the hardest days during my grief process. Just when I think there are no more tears, I have a day like today and they begin to flow again. I talked to Erin’s lawyer today, and it looks like they are going to certify her as an adult. That scares me so much. She is only sixteen, just a child who will soon face an adult world in an adult jail. I feel like it would [be] like throwing a kitten into a den of wolves. She is not even prepared to face life on the outside, much less life in prison. I try to put it in God’s hand, but being a human as I am, I still find myself worrying about it all.
Today for the first time since the early days of my grief, I had thoughts of suicide again. I thought those feelings had already passed. I guess the reality of losing Erin after I have already lost Penny and the boys is at times too much to grasp. She is all I have left, and I feel that I’m losing her as well.
As grief flooded my heart and soul as I drove home from work, I was compelled to stop by Penny’s parents’ house. I began to share and open up with them how great the grief has taken over. We all had a good cry, and we stood together in their living room and prayed to God for His grace and mercy. It always amazes me what a good cry can do. I felt a burden had been lifted, knowing that this wasn’t over yet, but my strength had been renewed.
Penny’s parents are so wonderful, and I shared with them my love for their daughter. I told them they raised a wonderful daughter and a man couldn’t ask for a better wife and our kids couldn’t ask for a better mom.
I want to feel normal again. The sadness and depression is something I’m not used to. I have to believe that God has everything under control and that there will be joy again. Just as the sun began to set tonight and a gentle rain began to fall on the metal roof of my RV, I opened the door with the screen pulled and just sat there. For the first time I sat quietly and listened to the birds as they chirped and felt the gentle breeze on my face as it flowed through the trailer. I realized that even though my family is gone, the sun still rises and it sets. The stars still shine, and the birds still sing. Life of all forms is so special to me now, and one thing I have come to realize is that life should never be taken for granted. We need to embrace it and live each day as if it were our last. I will cherish the memories of those who have gone on ahead, and tell those that I still have in my life that I love them, never taking them for granted. For life is a gift from God. A gift that should never be taken for granted.
Must get some sleep. Work comes early in the morning.
God, give me peace tonight.
JUNE 12, 2008 – 7:00 A.M.
Well, it’s been a few days since I’ve written. There has been so much going on. I’m having a problem with depression this week. Seems like it all started on Bubba’s birthday. I’ve had so much anxiety lately. I think I worry about Erin so much, knowing there is nothing I can do to help her. I just pray that God’s will be done. It’s all in His hands now.
Today will be another hard day. They are releasing the items that were taken that night. I have to go to the sheriff ’s office, and that’s wh
ere they are holding the other three. I also have to go to the probation office and pick up my court summons for Erin’s court date. They want to certify her as an adult. I’m just not ready for that. She is just a child. I just wish all of this was over.
Tuesday I arrived home at around 10:30 p.m. Rodney, a good friend of mine that I’ve known for over twenty years, took me out to dinner, and we talked for hours. Rodney has been such a good friend, just like a brother. He lays down his life, leaving his family to help me. Don’t know what I would do without him.
Like I said, I returned back to my RV at 10:30 p.m. It was so dark out here in the woods, when I pulled up, I couldn’t get out of my truck. Fear took over. What was I thinking, moving back to the place where my family was murdered? I drove off as quickly as I drove up, and drove down to Tommy and Helen’s house, my neighbors, but they were gone. I forgot that they had left town the day before.
I said to myself, “I have to get ahold of myself.” So I drove back to my place. Again, too terrified to get out, I drive off again. I drove to Bro. Wayne’s house, a former pastor of mine who lived just up the road, but no one was home. So I just drove around praying that God would give me courage to return home. Finally after an hour of driving, I said, “God, I have to go home. I have to get some rest. I can’t drive around all night.” I drove back to my RV and said, “God help me.” So I got out and came in—very quickly, though.
Once I got inside I was fine—well, once I went through my nightly ritual.
I will come in and lock the door behind me, scan my small RV, go to the bathroom and open the door. Look behind the shower curtain, then look on the other side of the bed. After doing this, I was fine.
I asked Bro. Todd, my pastor, if he would come over and pray over my land and ask God to bless it and remove all fear from me, and to put a hedge of protection all around. So I go on trusting God. I believe God will give me the peace that I need.
I mentioned earlier that my depression has really been hard this week. When I was on my way to church for Wednesday night Bible study, I asked God to speak peace, to give me a sign, send someone or something to let me know that He is still there. When I arrived at church, Bro. Todd handed me a large envelope. Inside were six cards from all over, from people that I didn’t even know. After all this time, people are still praying. They still care. I believe that was my sign from heaven. I couldn’t hold back the tears. God had just spoken.
JUNE 13, 2008 – 8:45 P.M.
Well, today has been a very good day if you compare today with the rest of the week. It’s like I’ll start doing really well, then something will happen and depression will set in. Today has been a lot better. I’ve been talking to God a lot lately, and I have some wonderful friends that care so much. They are so good about calling or stopping by.
Tonight, Bro. Wayne and Diane stopped by and took me out to eat. They are so wonderful. . . . Even though Bro. Wayne is [my] ex-pastor, I still look up to him as my pastor in so many ways. He and Diane came that night when all this happened. They arrived before the ambulance or sheriff ’s office did. They have always been there and are willing to help in any way. Last night I was still having a little trouble with depression and couldn’t sleep, so they asked me to spend the night. Wayne and I stayed up late and talked while Diane and their son Justin went to bed. It was so good to just sit and talk to an old friend.
One thing that I have learned while going through the grief process is to surround yourself with family and friends. Isolation is the worst thing to do while you are grieving or going through depression. Finding people that can relate to how you feel also seems to help. So many will say—and they mean well—“I know how you must feel.” But in reality they can’t totally understand unless they have walked where you have.
I found a support group, Grieving Forward. Susan and her husband Harvey are such sweet people. They lost their son several years back, and after a long road back to recovery they started a support group. The love in that room was so real and comforting, knowing we all had one thing in common—we all had lost someone whom we loved so dearly. So I look forward to returning next month, being with my new friends.
Gotta sign off for now.
JUNE 15, 2008 – 9:30 P.M.
What a day, so full of emotions. It’s Father’s Day, and I was able to talk to Erin tonight on the phone. That was the highlight of my day, even if it was for five minutes. It was so good to hear her voice once more. I have said so often, the one thing that would hurt the most would be to take my children away. I could have lost my job, my home, all my money, take all my worldly possessions, but to have my children taken away is the hardest thing to deal with. So today has been a day of unbearable sorrow and grief, but I’ll always hold the memories so close to my heart.
Well, I was able to go spend the night with Rodney, Sherrie, and Chelsea, and then go to church with them on Sunday. What a great time we had. It seemed to help to get away, even if just for a couple of days. They have been such a blessing in my life. They go the extra mile to help me get through the tough times. They are such a good example of what a Christian should be. I just hope that I am able to express my gratitude to them.
Saturday, Rodney and I want to the Bass Pro Shop and then came back to his house and watched golf. I really don’t like golf that much, but you know that was one of the best times that I had in a long time. I guess because of the fellowship and time to just relax.
It seems that my life is so busy lately, with work, working on my land, preaching, meeting with lawyers, and just worrying about Erin. It’s enough to wear you down. So just going, sitting, and relaxing was just what I needed.
Sherrie and Chelsea cooked dinner last night. Oh what a meal it was. We had pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans, and gravy. They sure can cook. Then we had lunch today with Sherrie’s dad, his friend Trudy, Sherrie’s brother J.C., Jonathan and his wife, and we can’t forget their wienie dog, Oscar. Just being with them made my first Father’s Day alone a little easier to cope with.
I left their house about 4:00 p.m. to head back home, but I had to stop at the cemetery and tell Penny and the boys that I miss and love them very much. It’s a hard thing to do, to go visit the grave of your wife and two young sons. It’s something that no one should have to go through.
I always thought that I would go first, and they would bury me. Never thought that I would lose my entire family in one night and be all alone at the age of 41. Erin is all that I have left, and I will stand by her side no matter what. I know she needs me, and I need her. I believe that God saved my life that night for a reason, and one of those reasons is to be here for her. I couldn’t imagine her going through this without anyone, so I stand by her side and pray every day.
There’s a lot of questions that I have about that night, and some of those questions may never be answered in this lifetime. One thing that I do believe, is that Erin loved her family and wouldn’t want us dead. I believe they came that night, and things went bad very fast and she had no control. So I keep trusting God to see us through and in the end that He will get the victory and that His will be done.
Gotta go for now.
JUNE 16, 2008 – 9:45 P.M.
Today was another one of those hard days that seemed as if it would never end. Just when you think it couldn’t get any harder, then it seems here comes another tidal wave. I had to drive to Tyler this afternoon to meet with my lawyer, Mr. Files, and the attorney general’s office. Today they laid all the evidence out on the table, and it was so hard to listen to. So painful that I can’t even write it down at this time. I’ll just hold on to what I have heard today, and try for the next few days to let it all sink in.
I know it is still a long road ahead, and it will probably get harder before it gets any better. It has been hard trying to mourn the loss of Penny and the boys, and then have to deal with everything on Erin’s side, worrying about her and not knowing what will happen to her. Then there is the other three that are locked up, not knowi
ng when their trials will start. There is just so much ahead, sometimes it’s more than I can bear. I just want all the court issues to go away so that I can deal with the loss of my family.
Even though Erin is still alive, I feel as though I have lost her as well. From what I am seeing as far as the evidence goes, it doesn’t look good for her. I keep praying that God will perform a miracle and all will go to our favor. All the lawyers and prosecutors are saying she is going away for a long time, and that scares me so much.
I have lost everything that meant the most to me here on this earth. I lost my dad, and then one week later I lost my wife and two sons. Then it doesn’t stop there. After taking away the most precious things to me, they then burn our house down, destroying every family photo, all the sweet little things the kids have made over the years, forever gone. Nothing left but the memories, and at times that is all I have.
I got so scared the other night because I forgot what Penny and the boys’ voices sounded like. No matter what, I will never forget the love that we all shared, all the great times we had as a family. I think about all the vacations to Arkansas, the fishing trips, all the family outings. I remember all the weekends we would drive around looking for yard sales. Oh, what a time we had. I have lost everything and maybe even Erin, but I will always cherish the memories that we all had.
I just don’t understand what went wrong. This kind of thing isn’t supposed to happen. If only I could have seen it coming. I love my family so much, and it was my job to protect them. Penny always called me her hero, and after all this I didn’t feel like one. After all, isn’t a husband and father supposed to protect his family. I feel at times that I have let them down.
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