“Ugh. Hockey,” Dixie says dramatically. “Can we talk about something else? Like why Sadie doesn’t know how to answer text messages suddenly.”
Oh, Dix, be careful what you wish for.
Winnie drops down on one side of me on the bed and Dixie on the other. Mom grabs the extra chair and pulls it up next to dad by the window.
“Well, the doctor came by with the results of the tests they did yesterday,” Dad starts, and everyone freezes. “Let’s all sit down.”
Dixie and Winnie both look at me, and I take their each of their hands as I swallow down all the emotions brewing inside of me and almost choke.
21
Sadie
When are you telling Jude?” Winnie asks me from the back seat of Dixie’s Mini.
“I’m not. Zoey is,” I tell Winnie and try not to be annoyed that she just assumes this is my responsibility. “Dad and Mom told her this afternoon when she visited with Declan while Jude was taking his pregame nap.”
“He’s going to be devastated.” Dixie states the obvious as she pulls into the parking lot of the Thunder arena. “I told Eli earlier. Are you telling Griffin?”
“I tried,” I reply, and a wave of something that feels like rejection washes over me. “He didn’t answer.”
“Are you kidding me?” Winnie ask incredulously. “All day?”
I shrug and dig my phone out of my purse for the first time in hours. I didn’t hear it ring or a text message alert go off, but I glance at the screen now to double check. It’s black. Oh, my God, I have accidentally turned it off somehow.
“I told Ty,” Winnie tells us and sniffs. She’s finally stopped crying, but from the moment we left the hospital a couple hours ago, she’s been breaking down in little sobbing fits. Surprisingly, neither Dixie nor Winnie argued with Dad about his decision. But since we left him and Mom alone at the hospital and went home to grab some food before the game, they’ve been begging me to change his mind, hammering me with questions, looking for loopholes in his rationale. Like maybe I hold some kind of extra nurse-only information that would contradict the vicious facts of this illness and make him change his mind. I don’t. They know it, yet we talk about it for hours anyway.
I turn my phone back on and curse its slowness as it comes back to life.
“I would rather be anywhere but here,” Winnie groans as we get out of the car and walk toward the entrance. There are hoards of fans around us, buzzing with excitement. It’s so completely contradictory to our emotions, it almost feels like we’re living in an alternate universe.
We walk to the private entrance and swipe our passes at the gate. “We have to go, and we have to pretend to have fun. It’s what Dad wants,” Dixie mutters. “He explicitly said we have to go to the game and cheer on Jude and Eli.”
I stare at my screen. I have four missed calls from Griffin. There’s one voicemail, so I type in my password so I can listen to it.
His voice is tense, frustration dripping off of it. “You told me to call, and I’m calling but you aren’t answering? Is something wrong? Because I’m in the middle of a crisis myself and I need to talk to you too. Where are you? Call me!”
He’s in crisis? That’s his message? He sounds more annoyed than concerned, and it makes me angry. But it also makes me hurt. And what the hell is his crisis? I let out a heavy sigh. I started this morning in such a euphoric state, and it all went sideways. Now I feel defeated, broken, and so fucking tired. The last thing I need is to feel worse than I already do, but that’s how I feel for not responding to Griffin. And there’s this new weight on me, another burden, because he’s clearly going through something, and he somehow needs me for that. Everybody fucking needs me.
“Do you know where the coaches are before the game?” I ask Dixie as we approach the friends and family lounge. “Are they in the locker room or their offices or up in a booth?”
“Not sure. When I worked here my only concerns were players and press,” Dixie says, and then she waves at Zoey, who is sitting on one of the sofas in the lounge, with Declan passed out in her arms.
“I should put him down to nap, but…” Zoey motions toward the stroller in the corner of the room and then looks up at us with sad eyes. “I just need to snuggle him today, after everything. How are you all holding up?”
Dixie sits beside her and softly runs a hand through the baby’s strawberry blond fuzz. Her eyes are visibly watering. “I don’t know if he’s even going to remember his grandfather.”
“I need a drink,” Winnie snaps and turns and heads to the bar.
“We’ll make sure he does,” Zoey promises, and she uses her free arm to side-hug Dixie. I feel my chest get tight and the pressure inside me grow. I feel like a car in one of those crushers, with everything pushing in on me on every side.
“I need to find Griffin,” I mutter and walk out of the room. I also just need a break from my family…even though admitting that makes me feel horrible.
I’m walking down the hallway when the hockey team emerges from their dressing room ready to hit the ice.
“Hey, Braddock sister number…?” Duncan Darby, the big red-headed lug of a defenseman says with a dopey smile.
“Two,” I finish for him. I look at the rest of the players marching by me. I see Levi next, and he walks right over to me. His expression is grim but that doesn’t mean much. I can count on my fingers the number of times I’ve seen Levi crack a smile and the guy lived with my family for a summer.
“I’m so sorry about your dad, Sadie,” he says quietly in that gravelly voice that is only rivaled by his brother Eli’s low rumble. “Obviously I’m going to be here for Jude, but if you need anything just reach out, okay?”
I just nod. He tries to give me a hug, but it’s awkward because of all the equipment and because it’s Levi. Captain Robot, or whatever it is they call him.
Jude walks toward me and comes to a stop in front of me. In his skates, he’s towering over me more than usual. “What are we going to do? How do we change his mind?”
Fuck.
“We’ll talk after the game,” I reply curtly.
“There’s got to be something we can say to change his mind,” he replies. “I’m going to start calling specialists again and—”
“You’re going to get your head in the game and win this,” I bark back. “That’s what Dad wants right now and you know it.”
He steps closer, and now he’s right on top of me. It’s not menacing, it’s desperate. He lowers his voice; it’s strained. “You think I give shit about hockey right now? It’s taken everything in me not to walk the fuck out of here and go to the hospital and talk some sense into him.”
“Braddock!” Levi calls in his captain voice, which is somehow deeper than his regular one. “We gotta go.”
“Go. Put it aside and play well, Jude, please. Just do this for me,” I beg and turn to leave him. Only now Eli is right in front of me. I know what he’s going to say, so I answer him before he can get the words out. “She’s trying to stay strong. She’s in the lounge with everyone and she’s holding it together, so stop worrying.”
Thankfully, he nods and follows the rest of his team. Before he turns the corner. I call out. “Where’s your coach?”
“Sully?” he questions and I nod. “He’s in the owner’s booth.”
“Eli!” Levi barks.
I know I won’t be able to see Griffin now until the first period ends, so I head back to the lounge to watch the game on the monitor in there with my sisters and Zoey and some of the other players’ family members. I text him and tell him I’ll be in the lounge. He doesn’t text back right away, but I understand. His eyes have to be on the ice, not on his phone.
And just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, they do. Winnie is still at the bar when I walk back in the lounge, and the bartender is refilling her shot glass. Clearly she’s been downing tequila since I left. Dixie has red, puffy eyes, so she’s been crying again, and Zoey looks like she joined her. D
eclan is the only one who isn’t falling apart. I start to get a stress headache.
Jude takes two stupid penalties and gets into a fight in the first period. I wish I were at work because I could check my blood pressure there. I’m sure it’s through the roof. My phone buzzes three minutes before the intermission. It’s Griffin telling me to come to his office.
I jump up. Dixie looks up at me, sniffling. Winnie cracks another beer. Zoey is trying to soothe a fussing Declan, who seems to have started to pick up on the dismal energy of his relatives. “I’m going to meet Griffin. I’ll be back.”
I don’t wait for any kind of response. I just leave the room and head down the hall, past the locker room and toward the offices. Griffin’s door is open, and he’s pacing behind the desk. Before I’m even in the door he’s talking.
“Why haven’t you returned my texts or calls?” he demands, and then continues before I can even respond. “We were being followed by a private investigator at the beach and at my house later. And I caught him and bought the images back, but he told me my ex knows about the hospital visit.”
“Whoa! Slow down!” I feel like I’m being verbally accosted. “Why would your ex do that?”
“She wants to change our custody agreement. She wants to move to New York to be with her boyfriend, and she wants to take Charlie with her,” he blurts out.
“Oh, my God, Griffin, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m telling you now,” he replies, his voice strained, just like his patience, apparently. I can’t blame him. It’s his daughter. I get it. But I can’t help but be a little upset he didn’t respond to me when I needed him, and he’s not even asking me about it now.
I also feel blindsided and a little crestfallen that he didn’t want to confide in me that he’s been going through a custody battle. I have been really honest with him about the trials and tribulations in my life, and he either felt like he had to hide his or, worse, that I wasn’t someone he wanted to confide in. “My brother is my lawyer, and he said that we’re going to need a sworn statement from you since you treated Charlie. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all day to tell you this.”
“I got some horrible news about my dad today, which is why I was trying to reach you,” I reply. Every single emotion flowing through me is raw to the point of almost being physically painful. I feel like I’m made of tissue paper, and all day everything and everyone has dropped a pebble onto me. And now Griffin, the person who promised he would make me stronger, is dropping a piano on me, and I’m tearing apart everywhere.
“Oh, fuck,” he breathes, and his face falls. “I’m so sorry. I am such a dick.”
“No. You’re not.” There’s not an ounce of conviction behind my words. “You have every right to focus on your own issues.”
“No, I know but…” He is struggling to find the words to fix this because I can see by the clouded look in his gorgeous, dark eyes that he sees the rails coming off this new relationship as clearly as I do. “I should have realized. I mean I know you were going to talk to his doctor.”
“Yeah, but I understand,” I say, because I do. I ignored him completely today because my problems were too big. He has every right to forget about mine when his are big. And losing your child is big. “You did nothing wrong or illegal with that hospital visit. Neither did the hospital.”
“Sadie, talk to me about your dad,” he says, coming around his desk to get closer to me. I take a step back. I have to because I can’t open up to him. I’ll break down, and I don’t get to break down. I have to be the rock.
“No. Just tell me where I have to go to help you out,” I reply.
“Sadie, I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“I know. You’re not a bad guy, Griffin,” I say. I can feel my bottom lip quiver and my eyes start to sting. “I think you’re probably the most incredible guy I’ve ever met. And there’s something between us I have never felt before, but let’s face it, I can’t do this right now.”
“What?” He looks as stricken as I feel.
“Give your brother my number. I will give a statement, I promise. I just can’t promise anything else. And let’s be honest, neither can you. It’s not your fault and it’s not mine, but I can’t anymore.” I start to walk toward the door.
I feel his hand wrap around my wrist, and I turn back to him, but I’m going to cry if I stay much longer, and I can’t. I won’t. Something inside me is starting to splinter. My strength? My sanity? Both? “Griffin, I have a lot to deal with right now. I thought I could handle this. That I had more to give because I would get something back, but…I don’t. And neither do you.”
“Don’t tell me what I have to give,” he growls back, frustrated by the truth.
“If, God forbid, your ex gets her way and Charlie moves to New York, what are you going to do?” I ask, and his mouth snaps shut, his jaw clenching. “You’re going to quit your job and move to New York. And you should.”
I gently pull my wrist back, and he lets it go, a sign of his surrender. I splinter even more inwardly. “I am about to break. If I give you my heart, if I let you in, I’ll lose that too, and I can’t handle losing anything else. I don’t think you can either.”
He is giving up. I can see it on his face. My eyes fill with tears despite the fact that it’s exactly what he needs to do. Still, he steps closer, grabs my face in his hands and kisses me. It’s desperate and passionate and painful. It’s goodbye.
I don’t let it drag on. I tear my mouth from his and leave, choking on a sob, refusing to let it out. Refusing to break…because no one is there to put me back together.
22
Griffin
Hunter’s assistant greets me with a sympathetic smile. “He said to go right in.”
“Thanks, Debra.” I don’t even try to smile back.
Hunter is behind his desk wearing a suit, which means he must have to go to court later. He gives me his trademark laid-back smile as I drop into one of the fancy armless leather chairs across from him. “You look rough, G.”
“Great,” I mutter, but I know he’s right. I threw on an old frayed T-shirt and jeans from the bottom of my closet because I haven’t done wash in a while. Plus I drank too much when I got home last night, hoping it would help me sleep, but it didn’t. I’m well aware I’m not top-notch this morning.
“I can have Deb make you a coffee. She makes a killer latte,” Hunter says. I give him a curt nod, so he calls out, “Deb, two of your magical lattes, stat!”
“Already on it!” Deb calls back.
I glance at my watch. “When is she supposed to be here?”
“In about twenty minutes,” Hunter replies and then pauses. “Why are you asking me that? To be honest, I’m a little shocked you didn’t come in together.”
Our eyes meet, and he groans. “You ended it? What the hell, Griff. Why?”
Shit. He’s almost as devastated as I am, and he hasn’t even met her. I would feel bad for him if I weren’t feeling horrific myself. “It wasn’t my decision. It was hers, but I completely agree with it.”
“Of course you do.” Hunter’s sarcasm is undeniable. “Griffin doesn’t let Griffin have nice things.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Do you like her?”
I nod.
“So why end it? Why let her talk you out of it? Why not talk her into it?” He looks like my mom used to when she didn’t like my report card. But unlike with my mom, I can talk back to him.
“Back off. It’s complicated.”
“Life is complicated. Deal with it or be alone and miserable forever,” he gripes.
I lean forward, my elbows on my knees. “I like her. A lot. I feel this connection with her I haven’t felt before. Not even with Lauren. I think I was chasing it with Lauren. We were almost there…but we never got there. With Sadie, it’s been there since we met.”
He leans back in his big black leather chair and lifts his hands as if to say WTF. “You’re just making
my point, dumbass.”
“But she’s going through a lot with her family, and she needs someone who can be there for her,” I explain and press my fingertips into my temples. “And no, I don’t want to be alone, but the fact is the only thing that will make me truly miserable is if I lose Charlie.”
“You are not going to lose her,” Hunter promises me for the millionth time. “Jesus, Griff. You need to have faith in me. I would never let that happen.”
“You know if Lauren gets her custody wish and she moves Charlie to New York that I am moving too, right?” I reply.
Hunter sighs, and his shoulders droop. “Yeah. I know. You didn’t even have to say it. But it doesn’t matter because that’s not happening. And honestly, Charlie is old enough to testify herself and will have a say in this. You know she won’t want to leave you.”
“I am not making her choose between us.” My words are so hard they’re almost a growl. I take a breath to calm down. “Lauren and I made a pact about that from the get-go and I am going to stick to it.”
There’s a knock at the door, so our conversation halts. Debra walks in with two coffee mugs. She places them on Hunter’s messy desk and pats my shoulder as she leaves. I grab the latte and take a big, scalding sip before looking at my watch again. “She’s late. Maybe she’s not coming. Maybe something happened with her dad. Or maybe she just decided not to do it.”
Hunter raises both his eyebrows. He just needs a floral dress and he really could pass as our mom. “She would call if something came up, and she won’t just bail. You wouldn’t be falling in love with a girl who bails on something so important to you.”
He’s got me there. And as if the universe is proving the point, there’s a tap at the door, and I turn to find Debra ushering Sadie into the room. I stand in concern the minute I see her, because she looks worse than I do. Her pale skin is so much paler than normal it’s almost translucent. And she’s got dark bags under her light blue eyes. She blinks, surprised to see me. “Hi. I didn’t know you’d be here.”
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