by Amy Cross
“It's not...” I take a deep breath, even as I feel my strength ebbing once again. “It's not hideous.”
She pauses. “What do you mean?”
“It's not hideous,” I continue, struggling to stay conscious. “It's different, it's like nothing I've ever seen before, but it's not hideous. It's kind of... beautiful.”
I wait for her to reply, but eventually I look up and see that she's staring at me with a curious, almost shocked expression.
“It won't work,” she says finally.
“What won't work?”
“Trying to get on my good side.”
“I'm just...” I feel another flash of pain. “I'm just telling you what I see.”
“And what about this?” she asks with a sneer, looking back down at her belly. “Do you think this is beautiful too?”
Hearing a faint creaking sound, I look down just in time to see thick black legs poking out through the slit, widening the gap between the edges to reveal a dark, glistening center.
“You can't possibly believe that this is beautiful,” she says after a moment.
“I do,” I whisper, feeling a shudder in my chest. “I've never seen anything like it, but I want to look at it properly.” I watch as the mass deep in her belly shifts slightly, as if it's poised to come more fully into view but can't quite manage. “If my hands were free,” I continue, “I'd... I'd get down on my knees and take a closer look. That's not me trying to get you to let me go, by the way, I'm just telling you... Just because it's different, that doesn't mean I find it disgusting. It looks like a spider. Is that right?”
I wait, but she doesn't reply.
“I don't like spiders,” I continue. “Not usually, anyway, but... Maybe it's because it's bigger, but the one in your belly doesn't make me feel the same way.”
Again I wait, but she seems too shocked to say anything. Finally I watch as the legs retract slightly, as if the mass is shyly concealing itself again, and a moment later all that's left is the slit. I look up at Emilia's human face.
“Do you think it's hideous?” I ask.
She opens her mouth to answer, but for a moment she simply stares at me. “I think it's beautiful,” she says finally, clearly shocked. “I think it's divine.”
“Good,” I whisper. “I think any kind of life should be embraced.”
She steps closer, as if something about what I just said has filled her with a sense of wonder. Reaching out, she puts a hand on the side of my face to steady my shivers. After all the pain and torture, suddenly she seems almost tender.
“That's your human side talking,” she says finally. “I'd hoped your vampire side might come closer to the surface after I showed you a photo of your sister, but instead it's your human side that has been strengthened. I suppose you've developed quite a defense mechanism over the years. That's so admirable, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to break it down.”
“What if I don't want any of this?” I ask.
She tilts her head.
“What if I believe everything you've told me,” I continue, “but I'd rather stay as I am?”
“You'd rather be weak?”
“I don't feel weak.”
“You'd rather ignore your heritage? Gothos, Jagadoon, the Amarelis Invocation... You'd rather leave it all unexplored and go back to your human job working in a dusty, forgotten old library?”
“I was happy,” I reply, wincing as I feel another surge of pain.
“No,” she says, shaking her head, “you weren't.”
“I was.”
“Impossible!” she sneers. “People like us, we're only happy when we fulfill our potential!”
“So far,” I continue, “being a vampire, if that's really what I am, doesn't seem to be much of an improvement.”
“Then I'll just have to prove you wrong. By the time I'm finished with you, Jonathan, you'll feel your true nature burning through your soul. You'll want strength and power, you'll want to leave your human life behind, you'll experience what it's like to be a member of the vampire species, you'll...” She pauses suddenly, with a hint of doubt in her eyes. “You'll learn that all vampires hate all spiders. You'll look at me and you'll be disgusted by what you see. I'm afraid that's just how things have to be, you can't fight against your instincts. You'll hate me soon.”
Staring at her, I can tell that she truly believes what she's saying. The worst part is, she's been right so far, and I have no reason to doubt that she'll be right again.
“I'll be back,” she adds, clearly a little shaken as she turns and walks out of the room, leaving me hanging from the ropes.
I was expecting her to torture me some more, to bring a fresh wave of pain to my body, but something seemed to make her hold back. Letting my head tilt down, I try to find some hint of strength in my soul but once again there's nothing. Even if Emilia's right and I have vampire blood in my family, I think a great deal of that heritage must have passed me by. I meant what I said to her: I genuinely want to go back to my old life at the library. Somehow, though, I don't think that's a possibility. As I pull on the ropes once again, I can tell that another world has taken hold of my life and won't let go.
I never asked for this. I was happy before.
Emilia
Ten years ago
This time, the dream lasts long enough for me to get all the way to the door of the palace and step inside.
As beautiful as the palace seemed from a distance, the interior is something else entirely. The walls are made of this strange, glowing gossamer thread that sparkles in the sunlight, and a marble floor stretches out across the entrance hallway toward a set of steps that lead up toward a huge stained-glass window. Above, a vast chandelier lights the scene and I can't help but turn and look all around as I make my way toward the center of the room. Even in my wildest moments of fantasy, I never imagined that such a wonderful place could exist.
Feeling something on my ankle, I look down just in time to see that a spider has crawled over my foot and is now scuttling across the floor, heading toward the staircase. Smiling, I realize that he seems to have deliberately accompanied me on this journey, and perhaps now he's trying to lead me deeper into the building. I know it's insane to credit a spider with that much intelligence, but still I follow him and start making my way up the stairs while staring at the huge window ahead, which seems to depict scenes filled with people and spiders.
Reaching the top of the stairs, I stop for a moment as a sense of absolute peace settles on my shoulders. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I'm truly home, and a moment later I realize I can sense someone nearby. I turn and see that several figures have emerged from a nearby door, dressed in the most beautiful white gowns, and all their bellies are exposed, revealing deep, long slits just like mine. With tears in my eyes, I take a step toward them, filled with the sense that I've finally found people who understand me.
“Where am I?” I ask, my voice sounding so small and cold in this huge palace.
I wait for a reply, but the figures are just staring at me with blank, expressionless faces.
“My name is Emilia,” I continue, taking a step forward as tears start to roll down my cheeks. “I don't know who you are, but I came here and now -”
Suddenly I feel something hot on the back of my neck, as if something is burning nearby. At the same time, I realize there's a sense of horror in the eyes of the figures, and I turn to see that there's a human body burning at the top of the stairs just a few feet away. Taking a step back, I watch the inferno and I realize that I've seen it before, back in the orphanage after I helped the other children deal with Mr. Constantine. I had nightmares about that man for years after I left the orphanage, and now it's as if those nightmares are intruding into this wonderful, perfect dream.
“No,” I whisper, turning to see that the white-gowned figures are already walking away. “Please!” I shout, hurrying after them. “I had no choice! I had to stop him!”
“Emilia?” a voice echoes
nearby. “Wake up!”
The door ahead swings shut once the figures have gone through, and when I try to push it open I find that it's locked. Banging my fists against the door, I call out for them to let me join them, but a moment later I realize that the heat on the back of my neck is getting stronger and stronger. I turn and scream as I see that Mr. Constantine's burning body is standing right behind me, his charred face staring through the flames.
“Emilia, for God's sake, wake up!”
Sitting up suddenly, I find that I'm in my bed, with my adoptive father sitting next to me. There's sweat pouring down my face and chest, and for a moment I feel as if a part of me is still back in that dream. I instinctively reach up and touch the back of my neck, and I realize I can still feel the heat.
“We heard you calling out,” Peter says, putting a hand on my shoulder. “I know you've always had nightmares, but this one sounded a lot worse.” He pauses. “Are you okay?”
I nod, even though I know I can't fool him. Touching my forehead, I realize I'm caked in sweat, and that there's an unpleasant, churning sensation down in my belly.
“As long as you know it was just a nightmare,” Peter says, leaning closer and kissing my forehead before getting to his feet. He rubs his left arm as he heads to the door, and then he turns back to me. “You should get up now anyway. You'll be late for school. If you want, though, we can talk about these nightmares later. It might help you to get it all off your chest.”
“Thanks, but I'm fine,” I mutter, shuddering at the mere thought of telling him or Elizabeth about my dreams. “Everyone has nightmares. Really, it's nothing special.”
***
“I'm just a little concerned,” Mr. Cooper says, sliding the test paper back to me across his desk. “You usually do so well, Emilia, so I want to make sure that this bad score is a one-off.”
“It is,” I reply, staring at the letter D in thick red ink. “I guess... I guess I just got distracted and I didn't get a chance to study as hard as usual.”
“How are things at home? You've looked distracted lately in class.”
“Everything's fine.”
“You know you can talk to me, don't you?” He stares at me, as if he's waiting for a reply. “Or you can talk to one of the counselors. They're trained to help.”
“I don't need help,” I tell him. “Everything's fine.”
“There's another big paper coming up in two weeks,” he continues, “so I want you to really buckle down and come back swinging. You're a good student and I want to see you fulfill your potential.”
“Sure,” I tell him, forcing a smile even though I feel sick inside. “I'll ace the next one, I swear.”
Once I've gathered my coat and bag, I head out of Mr. Cooper's office and along the corridor, heading for the yard around the side of the school building. The old me, the Emilia of a few weeks ago, would have been mortified to receive a D for a paper, but right now it feels like the least important thing in the whole world. I can usually shake my nightmares, but lately they've been so intense, it's almost as if they're more real and more vivid than my waking moments. As I reach the yard, I stop for a moment and take a deep breath, trying to keep my heart from pounding so hard in my chest.
A few seconds later, I hear laughter nearby and I turn to see some of the other girls giggling at me. They turn away as soon as we make eye contact, but then one of them bursts into laughter again and a shiver ripples through my chest as I realize they were laughing at me.
Telling myself that they must have somehow learned about the D grade, I make my way across the yard, hoping to find Leanne. There's no sign of her, however, so I head to the cafeteria, figuring that she's probably still eating lunch. All I want right now is to hang out like the old days, before my dreams and nightmares began to merge, but when I reach the doorway and look through into the cafeteria, I realize that several people at nearby tables are casting strange looks at me. Even stranger than usual.
And then I see her.
Leanne is at a table in the far corner, laughing and joking with Janine Nebbins and some other girls. After a moment she glances over and sees me, and I see a hint of discomfort before she quickly looks away. She whispers something to another girl, and then everyone at their table turns to me. A few seconds later, I notice Janine tickling the belly of another girl, and then I realize that she's not tickling at all, she's running her fingers up and down as if to imitate my disfigurement.
I look back at Leanne and see regret in her eyes, and I immediately know that she's told everyone.
Nearby, someone giggles.
Turning, I run out of the cafeteria and back across the yard, desperate to get away from them all. I hear more laughter, and Mr. Cooper shouts my name as I almost slam straight into him. Dropping my bag, I race around the corner and toward the gate and then I keep going until I reach the forest, where I finally drop down behind one of the large oak trees. Sobbing, I put my head in my hands and wait as I feel tears running down my wrists and arms, and then I realize I can hear footsteps nearby. I keep quiet and peer around the side of the tree, only to spot Leanne a few hundred feet away at the edge of the forest.
“Emilia?” she calls out, a little breathless after having apparently run after me. “Are you here? Emilia, I'm sorry! Can we talk?”
I duck out of sight and wait, and a moment later I hear her footsteps heading away. When I peer around the tree again, I see her heading off toward the lake, most likely still trying to catch up to me.
Reaching down, I un-tuck my shirt and lift it up to expose the slit on my belly. Looking down at the foul, disfiguring monstrosity, I almost feel as if it's staring back at me and mocking my attempts to ever act normal. How could I possibly pretend that I'm like everyone else, when I have this horrific thing on my body? For a moment, with tears running down my face, I actually start to wonder whether I should just get a knife and dig the goddamn monstrosity out. Sure, I'd hurt myself, but then maybe a little pain and blood wouldn't be so bad. In a messed-up world, blood is actually kinda comforting. At least blood is honest and real and normal. If I died, at least I wouldn't have to feel like a monster anymore, and if I lived I could get plastic surgery to cover the whole thing up.
I'd finally be like everyone else.
Grabbing a broken branch, I snap it in half and then use my spare hand to hold the slit open. I can just about see the dark mass at the bottom, wet and glistening in the cold afternoon air. Slowly, I move the branch's sharp, broken end down into the slit. I know this is going to hurt, but I have no choice, I have to get rid of this monster. Finally, the tip of the branch touches the dark mass, and I feel something writhing and churning deep inside my body. Whatever this thing is, it's larger than I'd realized, but I just have to kill it. I push down harder, pressing the broken wood against the dark flesh, determined to push through.
“Emilia? What are you doing?”
Shocked, I look up and see Leanne standing nearby, watching me. I cover my belly and get to my feet, filled with rage but also desperate to get away.
“Emilia,” she says cautiously, taking a step toward me, “I'm so sorry, I swear I only told one other person, and then it just spread like wildfire...”
“Who did you tell?” I ask, sniffing back tears.
“It doesn't matter.”
“Who did you tell?” I ask again, resisting the urge to lunge at her and cause her some serious pain. I toss the broken branch away, so that I'm not tempted to use it on her.
“I told Macy Clarke, but -”
“Macy Clarke?” I sneer. “She's the biggest gossip in the whole school!”
“She promised she wouldn't tell anyone.”
“And you believed her?”
She looks down at her fidgeting hands, as if she can't handle eye contact. “I'm sorry,” she whispers, sounding as if she's close to tears. “Do you hate me now?”
I want to tell that yes, I hate her with more passion than she can ever believe, but at the same time I know th
at if I said that, I'd be losing my only friend. I guess there's a chance that maybe I'll get used to this, and that I'll learn to live with everyone's disapproving looks, although...
Taking a deep breath, I realize I can see tears dripping from her eyes.
“You shouldn't have told anyone,” I say finally. “It was a secret, it was...” Pausing, I realize I can't put my feelings into words. “I don't want to talk about this right now,” I tell her, “I'm too angry, I might do something I regret.”
“If you want to punch me,” she replies, “it's okay. I'll let you.” She pauses. “Do you want to fight? Physically, I mean. We can do that.”
The thought is tempting, but I shake my head. “I just want to be alone.” Turning, I start to walk away, heading toward the lake, but a moment later I feel Leanne's hand grabbing my wrist and I stop.
“I've let you down,” she whimpers.
Turning to her, I see the tears in her eyes. “You shouldn't have told anyone,” I say firmly, as tears run down my face. “I don't know if I can forgive you, but I'll try.”
“To be fair,” she replies, her voice cracking slightly, “you didn't specifically tell me not to.”
“I thought you'd understand!” I hiss, feeling a fresh burst of anger at her weak attempt at an excuse. “You're supposed to be my friend! More than my friend!”
“I am!” she sobs.
“Then why did you tell everyone that I'm a monster?” I shout, pushing her shoulder so hard that she has to take a step back. “Why did you tell everyone at school that I'm this freak?”
“I didn't tell them you were a monster,” she sniffs, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. “I just told them you had this cool birth thing, that's all.”
“And you thought I'd be okay with that?”
“I thought...” She pauses. “I guess I wanted Mary Clarke to like me. She has this party next week and I wanted to be invited, I mean... You could probably come too, Emilia, it's on Saturday night and everyone's gonna be there.” She pauses again. “I mean... There are other things to do on a Saturday than just sit in our rooms drawing comics all the time. I'm not saying I don't like that too, but don't you think it'd be good to get out and have other types of fun?”
