by Rey, Isobel
Alexia felt weak and insubstantial, as if the wind could blow her away with one strong gust. Her face was pale, giving her a more ethereal look than usual.
The office was buzzing. Alexia could hear mutterings and odd words: “fired”, “argument”, “Tony”. She strained to hear what the others were gossiping about, terrified to hear her own name. She wandered over to the group who were deep in speculation.
‘Have you heard?’ said one secretary. ‘Tony’s gone. Someone said Nathan fired him. Did something happen yesterday?’
She felt all eyes on her and the floor rippled under her feet. ‘I – I don’t know. Sorry, I didn’t really see much of Tony yesterday …’
The group were disappointed at her inability to shed light on what had transpired. They went back to their speculating. A wave of relief swept over Alexia and she left the office to make herself a coffee.
Standing in the kitchen reminded her of Tony, showing her how to use the coffee machine. It reminded her of how she had taken the cup to Nathan and found him half-naked, how she had gone to him and he had …
She almost dropped the cup as someone came in. She picked it up, all fingers and thumbs. She poured herself half a cup, not daring to fill it lest her trembling fingers spill the scalding liquid. She went back to her desk and drank, hoping the caffeine hit would steady her nerves.
The day past in agonising slowness; each glance at the clock showed only an incremental move towards the end of the day. Time seemed to have slowed down, drawing out her torment.
At 5 p.m. her mobile rang. It was Sonia. Alexia answered quietly. Sonia’s voice was firm. ‘Look, you have to believe everything is going to be OK …’
Alexia started to protest, but Sonia was insistent. ‘No, listen to me. It is going to be OK, I promise you. Do you understand?’
Alexia thought her friend was just bandaging, covering her wounds in love and concern to shield her from the long agony of trying to get over Nathan.
‘You’ll see,’ said Sonia.
Alexia didn’t really take in her words. The desk phone rang. ‘Sonia, sorry, I’m at work. I have to go.’
‘It’s going to be OK. You have to trust me!’
Sonia hung up and Alexia answered the desk phone. She heard the receptionist’s voice, ‘There’s a package here that’s got to be delivered to Chelsea, and it has to go now. You have to take it.’
‘What?’ said Alexia. ‘Why can’t it go by courier?’
‘It can’t. It’s going to a client and they want someone from the firm to bring it, so it has to be you, sorry.’
The receptionist hung up. Alexia looked at the big metal clock on the wall. It read 5.05 p.m.
She sighed heavily. If she had to go to Chelsea it would take her a very long time to get home again through the rush hour traffic, and it was Friday, the worst day of the week.
She texted Romy to warn her she’d be late home and grabbed her coat. She picked up the package and an envelope from the receptionist and went out to hail a cab. There was a spot nearby where cabs often waited in an impromptu rank. That rank had saved her the night she fled from the party, fled from Nathan after Tony and Phillipa’s boardroom rendezvous.
She walked up to the first taxi in line and gave the address she’d been handed in the sealed envelope. Clients were very secretive about their addresses, which was not surprising, thought Alexia, given the amount of attention she’d seen them get since she joined the firm.
The cab picked its way through London. Rush hour started at mid-afternoon on a Friday as tired commuters made their way out of the city for the weekend.
They all have somewhere to go, she thought, someone to go home to. She watched as they rushed on their way and she felt envious of them, envious of their lives. They had a sense of purpose, or so it seemed. Did she have a purpose? Not any more. She hugged herself, trying to ignore the hollowness inside her.
The cab driver was looking at her in the rear view mirror. ‘I’ve picked you up before, luv, haven’t I? Same place?’ She studied him. Was he the same cabbie who had driven her away from the agency that night? The night of the party?
‘That’s my spot when I haven’t got a fare, so if you work there I’ve probably picked you up,’ he said cheerily.
He didn’t remember; he just vaguely knew her face. Or was it that he knew her distressed face? Twice he’d picked her up, twice it had been when she was leaving Fallon’s and twice she’d been beside herself with misery and humiliation.
She smiled politely and put her head down. He understood. She was not a passenger who wanted to chat, and they settled back into silence.
After what seemed like an eternity of traffic lights and turnings, they pulled up at the address. It was a tall, beautiful townhouse. A bright white Georgian façade with shiny black railings. Alexia couldn’t imagine what it must cost to live here, in the chicest part of central London. But the agency’s clients were not acquainted with poverty. Quite the opposite.
‘Would you wait here, please? I’ve just got to deliver a package.’
The cabbie nodded and pulled up the handbrake. The meter, of course, was still running.
Alexia walked up the steps and pressed the bell. She wondered who lived here. She hoped it wasn’t one of the footballers from the hotel. She peered through the large bay window into a sitting room. It was beautiful and stylish, an old world style. It can’t be a footballer, she thought; far too tasteful, not enough bling.
She didn’t have time for more speculation as she heard footsteps approaching the door and a click as the lock was turned from inside. As the large, black door swung open she found herself open-mouthed as she looked at the person standing in the doorway. Nathan.
The world stopped. It actually seemed to stop. The traffic noise evaporated, the chill wind disappeared. The very air seemed to stand still.
He was there, standing right in front of her. Nathan. But he looked different. She had never seen this man who filled the doorframe before. This Nathan was new to her; this Nathan was – was what? She couldn’t work out what had changed.
‘Is that your cab?’ His voice floated towards her from somewhere in the distance. ‘Is it yours?’
‘What?’ One syllable was all she could manage.
He stepped past her and she caught a fleeting trace of his aftershave. Her senses came back to life: the traffic noise filled her ears; the wind found its shivery way through her coat; the world turned again.
She turned to see him pay off the cabbie and wave him on his way. He was wearing jeans and a white T-shirt. He was more casual than she had ever seen him. And he seemed softer, easier within himself.
He took the three deep steps in easy strides. He was standing next to her now, looking down at her. Those dark blue eyes.
‘Please, come in.’ He extended an arm to usher her in before him.
She moved, obediently. He showed her into the sitting room. It was beautiful, stylish but comfortable, lived in. There was a smell in the air, a smell of him. He filled the house.
She saw pictures on the mantelpiece. A young army captain, his men, friends, a Labrador, an elderly couple smiling – his parents? No women, there were no pictures of girlfriends.
She turned to face him. He was standing still, looking at her.
‘Please, let me take your coat …’
‘I have this,’ said Alexia, holding up the package. It seemed such a silly thing to say. A reflex.
‘Ah yes.’ Nathan dropped his head. He ran his fingers through his hair. He took a deep breath. ‘Open it.’
Alexia was puzzled.
‘Please, open it,’ said Nathan again.
She looked down at the flat padded envelope. She tore open the top and fished inside. There was only one thing in it, a picture of a woman. Alexia studied her. Ash blonde hair, blue eyes, an ethereal face.
‘You look so much like her.’ Nathan’s voice was flat, emotionless.
She looked up at him. Was this her? The woman who br
oke his heart?
‘Her name was Helen. We’d been together for a few years, but if you added up all the time we were actually together, it probably only amounted to a couple of months. I was fast tracking through the army – special assignments,’ he said coyly. ‘I’d be away for months at a time, and sometimes I couldn’t contact her at all. Not easy for a woman.’
Nathan paused, thinking about his next words, ‘Then I got hit. The whole operation was shot to hell. We lost nine guys, it was …’ He looked down, unwilling to follow that thought. ‘Anyway, when I got back I was a mess, difficult. I thought she’d be there for me, but someone else had moved in on her and she was only too happy to go. You see, it turns out she didn’t want the real me, the broken, fallible, ordinary me … No, she wanted the glamorous soldier, the danger man in full dress uniform. Anything less was – I don’t know – boring.’
There was a long silence, an agonising silence. Alexia couldn’t move; she was afraid to breathe. Nathan was unburdening himself and she was afraid he would stop if she made the slightest noise or movement.
Nathan spoke again. ‘The crazy thing is I don’t think I really loved her – not truly. But somehow being betrayed when you’re at your lowest leaves an indelible mark.’
Alexia looked at him. She knew now what she had seen when Nathan opened the door. Vulnerability. She’d seem him without his body armour.
‘When I saw you in the office, the day you started, I thought for a moment …’ He stopped.
Alexia looked at the picture again. Then it hit her. She had the same colouring, the distinctive ash blonde hair falling in waves.
‘She was petite too,’ said Nathan. ‘Just like you.’
Alexia sank down onto the sofa, realisation hitting her.
‘Oh God, Nathan, you thought I was her. You wanted her, and that’s why you stopped. Because I’m not her.’
‘No!’ The vehemence of his denial shook her. With one bound he was on the floor in front of her, kneeling at her feet, looking up into her eyes.
‘No, you don’t understand. When I saw you my heart stopped for a minute, yes, and I took an interest in you because you were like her. But …’
Alexia searched his face. ‘But what?’
‘You’re not her. You’re not her, Alexia. I took an interest in you because you looked like her, and I kissed you, that first time when your ex showed up, but that’s not why …’
He was struggling, emotions clearly swirling and fighting in him as violently as they were in Alexia.
‘That’s not why I wanted you later, or why I was so angry in the hotel, when I thought you were with Tony.’
‘Why were you angry?’
‘Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You, Alexia, not her. You. You’re not her; you’re nothing like her …’
Alexia couldn’t believe what he was saying. She wanted to believe it, but she was still chained to that emotional rollercoaster, and she had been on so many highs, she was terrified of another low.
‘Nathan, I … Why did you stop?’
Nathan shut his eyes and sighed.
‘Why did you stop, Nathan? Why did you say it was wrong? Yesterday, in that changing room. Why did you start if you didn’t want – want to make love to me?’
‘Oh God, I did … I do!’
‘Then I don’t understand.’
‘I was terrified.’ Nathan gave a small, cynical laugh. ‘Comical, isn’t it? I can face Iraqi insurgents, but you? I was scared of the way you make me feel, and in that changing room … It was wrong. If we’re going to …’
He put his hands on hers. She felt the warmth of his skin, just the touch of his hand again. She wanted to cry.
‘If I’m going to have you, Alexia, it won’t be in some changing room where God knows how many people have torn each other’s clothes off.’
‘Do you want to have me?’ asked Alexia, praying for the right answer.
Nathan seemed to hold his breath for a moment. Then he was on her, kissing her, holding her head as his mouth searched hers. She thought that she had felt his passion yesterday, but it had been a shadowy imitation of what she felt from him now.
He pulled back from her and looked into her eyes.
‘Alexia …’
She could barely speak, her voice was small, but there was a question nagging at her. ‘What changed your mind?
Nathan laughed softly. He looked up at her from under his lashes, bashful almost.
‘Sonia,’ said Nathan.
Alexia couldn’t believe it. ‘Sonia? I don’t understand.’
‘She came here like one of the Furies and demanded to know why I was being such an idiot. She told me it was obvious to anyone with eyes how I felt about you. “Girls like that don’t come along every day, you stupid oaf, and it’s time you took a risk” were, I think, her exact words.’
Alexia couldn’t help herself. She laughed quietly.
‘What’s funny?’ said Nathan.
‘She said something pretty similar to me, though without the oaf bit.’
They laughed softly, then there was silence between them again. When Nathan spoke, his voice was quiet and sombre.
‘Alexia, I’m damaged but – I want to try, to try with you.’
‘I’ve never wanted anyone or anything more in my entire life,’ said Alexia.
She heard a low moan escape from him and suddenly she felt herself pushed back onto the sofa as his weight pressed down on her. He was kissing her with such raw intensity that she felt she would catch fire.
He picked her torso up, like a doll, and dragged off her coat. Alexia kicked off her shoes and lay back, watching him as he knelt on the sofa in front of her. His face was in front of her hips and he reached around her and pulled down the zip. She felt his hands grip her sides as he slid off her skirt to reveal black panties and hold-ups.
‘Oh God,’ said Nathan as he leant forward and ran his tongue over the stocking tops. Alexia wanted to open her legs and pull his head into her pussy, but there was no room on the narrow sofa. She wriggled as she felt his tongue tracing higher and higher.
He pushed a finger under her panties and stroked her wetness. She lifted her knee in an instant reflex. She wanted to feel him inside her; she wanted his fingers in her.
But he pulled his hand away and she moaned in disappointment.
He sat up on the edge of the sofa, his hips jammed against the tops of her thighs. He looked down at her, naked lust blazing from his eyes. No vulnerability now, just raw need.
Alexia couldn’t bear it. She knew this time there would be no stopping; she knew for certain he was going to take her. And she needed him, she needed to be fucked by him and fucked hard.
All the weeks of foreplay with Richard and Tony had left her screaming in frustration. No orgasm teased out with tongue or fingers would satisfy her now. She needed him inside her, deep inside her. She craved a complete and total orgasm driven by him, driven from the thrusting of his hips right through to the tip of his cock.
He looked down at her and splayed his hands over her midriff, moving them up. He opened her top button, then the next, again and again until they were all undone.
She shook herself free from her blouse so she could lay in front of him in just her underwear and stockings.
‘Beautiful,’ he said. He stood up, looking down at her prone and waiting body.
He pulled his T-shirt over his head. Alexia felt her pussy flex and her panties get wetter. She looked at his jeans and reached up to touch she hard bulge that strained against the zip. Her hand on his erection was more than he could stand.
He reached down and scooped her up. She was airborne before she had realised what he was doing. She was petite, but the ease with which he lifted her was thrilling. She lay in his arms, feeling the soft hair of his chest against her breast as she curled her arms around his neck and leant against him.
‘We need more space,’ said Nathan as he bounded up the stairs into the master bedroom. Her fac
e was against his neck and she drank in the smell of him, his musk and aftershave, now her favourite heady cocktail.
He dropped her onto the bed, and as she sank into the mattress he was on her before she had time to bounce back.
The weight of him lying on her was sublime: his heaviness, his maleness. She wanted to feel him crushing the air out of her, to cover her completely.
She reached down and grabbed the button of his jeans. It was difficult to reach so he curled his hip away from the bed to help her, but it wasn’t enough for Alexia. She was desperate for him now. She put a hand on his shoulder and, with a force that shocked them both, she pushed him backwards and turned to sit up and straddle him.
The look of surprise on his face gave a thrill of power. She ran her hands through the hair on his chest and watched his eyes as she moved down to his trousers.
She flipped the denim so that the metal stud gave way and yanked the zip down.
‘Hey, steady there,’ said Nathan, ‘you don’t want to catch anything in those teeth.’
‘Sorry,’ said Alexia as she shimmied down the bed, dragging his jeans and Calvin Kleins with her. Her eyes were transfixed as she watched his erection emerge from the cotton as she pulled it down. She had wondered how he would look erect. Hard, he was more than she was used to. She felt her cunt clench, she wanted to be on him, around him.
‘Take your time, said Nathan,’ we have all night.’
He reached up and pulled her forward so that her pussy rested on his cock. Her panties separated them. It was agony.
Her bra came loose with one flick of his fingers as he sat up and reached around her. He dragged it away from her and threw it on the floor.
‘Oh God!’ he said, as his mouth fell on a pink and straining nipple.
Alexia gasped. She felt his cock flex against her as he sucked, pulsing against her yawning pussy. Why was she still wearing panties? She felt the satin straining as he leant against her.
His mouth worked on her breast, his hand taking care of the other, pinching and rolling her nipple in his fingers. He was still in control and she wanted to make him lose it. She wanted to make him as desperate as she was.
